Regarding Feng Ning.

Every single detail, Jiang Wen knew by heart.

He’d thought it over countless times in his mind — everything about her, down to the smallest details.

After thinking it through, he’d cover it up again, layer by layer, never letting a shred of it leak out. In the end, all that others could glimpse was just a tiny corner beneath the iceberg.

But on this night, Jiang Wen laid himself bare without reservation, spreading his truest self, completely, before Feng Ning.

Jiang Wen had personally handed her a gun.

“I love you. Since I was sixteen, I’ve loved you.”

Now, the muzzle of that gun was pointed at his own heart.

Feng Ning couldn’t lift her hand — she no longer had the strength to pull the trigger. …

…

When Shuang Yao got Feng Ning’s call, she listened in confusion to what was said, then asked again, disbelieving, “What?! Where are you two? Nan City?”

After the call, Shuang Yao ditched the friends she’d been ringing in the new year with and drove over urgently to find them.

Seeing someone arrive, Feng Ning stepped slightly away from Jiang Wen.

He was braced against a tree trunk, crouched by the roadside, throwing up.

Shuang Yao’s eyes went wide with shock. “What happened to Jiang Wen?! How much did he drink.”

Feng Ning: “Get him to the hospital first, I’ll fill you in later.”

On the way to the hospital, Jiang Wen got out of the car to throw up again. Just watching him, Shuang Yao felt sick on his behalf.

Late-night emergency room.

The doctor hooked Jiang Wen up to an IV.

After running back and forth between floors, they finally got him settled. Shuang Yao muttered to Feng Ning under her breath, “You and Jiang Wen — how do the two of you manage to cause such a mess every time you’re together.”

Feng Ning thought back a bit; she and Jiang Wen getting together really did seem to bring bad luck. From high school to now, it had always been this way — hardly a single good thing had ever happened.

The hospital room was utterly quiet. Jiang Wen, thoroughly worn out, sank into a deep sleep. A thin sheen of sweat still covered his forehead, as though he were uncomfortable.

Feng Ning stood motionless by the bed, thinking about many things. As she thought, she recalled the murmurs he’d whispered against her ear while drunk.

“I don’t dare give up. If I give up, you and I won’t have a future.”

“As long as I’m the one who gives up, we won’t have a future.”

Something clenched inside her.

Feng Ning stared blankly for a while. Slowly, she reached out and brushed her fingers over Jiang Wen’s eyelashes. Following the curve down to the corner of his eye, her fingertip could still feel a trace of dampness.

Gently, she wiped away the last of his tears.

Jiang Wen woke briefly in the middle of the night.

Still hazy with sleep, in the dim yellow light, he could faintly make out Feng Ning’s shifting silhouette. He narrowed his eyes, his mind at ease, and a few minutes later, drifted off again.

…

…

The next day, he was woken by the noisy sound of a radio.

Jiang Wen forced his eyes open.

He woke to see an elderly woman helping an old man sit down on a bed, complaining nonstop. “I told you, at your age you need to be careful, don’t fall again, your bones can’t take it. You should put a non-slip mat in the bathroom, but you just won’t listen…”

Trying to clear his groggy mind, Jiang Wen looked up at the ceiling and realized he was in a hospital. He sat up a bit, turned his head weakly, searching, but there was no sign of Feng Ning anywhere in the room.

Memory slowly returned.

Fragments from the night before flashed through his mind. Jiang Wen felt first embarrassment, awkwardness, and then, after a few minutes, a nameless anger began building up bit by bit.

Where had Feng Ning gone?

Fumbling around for his phone everywhere, his stomach churning in waves, Jiang Wen’s face went pale as he prepared to make a call.

He opened his contacts; the topmost entry was Feng Ning.

He looked down, staring at her name for a few seconds, then, in a fit of pique, tossed the phone aside.

It was around seven or eight in the morning; there were three other people in his hospital room. Family members trickled in one by one, and the room gradually grew livelier. Several people raised their voices in conversation, filling the room with laughter.

Compared to the others, Jiang Wen’s corner felt unusually cold and quiet.

He was handsome, sitting quietly there, particularly eye-catching. After a while, an older woman brought over some oranges. “Young man, why are you all alone. It’s New Year’s Day today, and no one’s here to keep you company?”

Jiang Wen glanced at her and accepted the oranges. “Thank you, I’m alone.”

His face was so sour that anyone unaware of the situation might have thought his wife had run off with someone else the day before.

After a while, another woman from a different bed came over too, warmly bringing him a few apples this time.

Jiang Wen said politely, “Thank you, auntie.”

This woman also remarked offhandedly, “Not even anyone to peel your apples for you.”

Jiang Wen: “…”

By the time Feng Ning arrived, it was a chaotic scene. Jiang Wen was surrounded by a group of older women, being asked all sorts of questions.

Not knowing what was going on, she walked over and happened to catch someone trying to set him up with someone’s daughter.

Across the crowd, Jiang Wen spotted her at once.

Feng Ning loosened her scarf. “What’s going on here?”

Hearing her voice, several people turned around. One of the women, seeing her, exclaimed in surprise, “And where did this girl come from, she’s so pretty!”

Feng Ning just stood off to the side, watching. After a few more words, the women scattered like startled birds.

Once they’d left, Feng Ning set the thermos down nearby, flipped down the tray table, and placed a plastic bag on top. “I bought you some porridge, drink some.”

Jiang Wen leaned against the pillow, playing cold and aloof, saying nothing.

She repeated herself, but he still gave no response.

Feng Ning pulled a chair over and sat down, looking at him oddly. “Why are you throwing a tantrum.”

Jiang Wen said nothing, turning his face away.

He was just like a sulking child, unwilling to talk things out properly, waiting only for someone to come coax him.

Feng Ning watched him for a while, then pushed the porridge a bit closer. “Not going to talk?”

After a moment of silence, Jiang Wen said, “Where did you go.”

Feng Ning lowered her head and twisted open the thermos lid; a fragrant aroma wafted out.

“I got too drunk, and you just left me alone at the hospital?” After saying this, Jiang Wen suddenly felt a bit embarrassed and quickly added, “Even if we’re just friends…”

Feng Ning cut him off. “I went to make you chicken soup.”

She pointed at the thermos. “Shuang Yao’s mom just bought an old hen, killed it today just for you. Been simmering it for hours, all the way till now — I haven’t even slept.”

Jiang Wen glanced at it, his mood lifting slightly, his expression softening.

Feng Ning set the fragrant chicken soup aside to cool.

The two of them fell silent, entering a state where neither had anything to say.

She seemed entirely composed, pretending nothing had happened; Jiang Wen felt awkward too.

He suddenly said, “Peel me an apple.”

“Peel an apple? Now?” Feng Ning glanced around. “There’s not even a knife, I’d have to go buy one. Never mind.”

Jiang Wen was oddly fixated on eating an apple. “Then ask the people next door to borrow one.”

“Fine.”

She grabbed a trash bin and started peeling the apple. Partway through, she happened to glance up and saw Jiang Wen frowning, his lips pressed tight. He’d turned to his side, curling up.

Feng Ning set down what she was holding and hurried over, crouching beside the hospital bed, looking at his cold-sweat-covered face with concern. “Are you okay.”

Jiang Wen made an affirmative sound.

She pressed her hand to his forehead — sticky, covered in sweat. “Is your stomach hurting?”

Jiang Wen’s body visibly stiffened.

Just then the doctor came by on rounds. Feng Ning stood up a bit anxiously. “Doctor, could you come take a look, my friend seems to be feeling unwell.”

The doctor glanced him over. “The young man who drank too much yesterday, right? Where does it hurt?”

Jiang Wen said stiffly, “Everywhere hurts.”

The doctor didn’t seem too concerned. “That’s normal, nothing serious, drink more hot water.”

As he left, the doctor watched Feng Ning crouched nearby, speaking gently to Jiang Wen, and thought to himself with a sigh — kids these days really were so delicate, every single one of them.

At noon, Shuang Yao came to visit Jiang Wen.

There was an elderly patient in the room who needed to nap, so the two of them stepped out to talk.

Shuang Yao walked with Feng Ning through the small garden downstairs. “What are you two going to do, have you figured it out?”

“Pretty much.”

Shuang Yao: “What does ‘pretty much’ mean, it’s obvious Jiang Wen still likes you.”

Feng Ning made an acknowledging sound. “The real issue between me and Jiang Wen was never about whether he likes me or not.”

Shuang Yao tilted her head back with a long sigh. “Being liked by someone like you is really too hard, too tormenting.”

Feng Ning: “Honestly, I can’t refuse Jiang Wen, and I can’t push him away either. But…”

Shuang Yao switched into life-coach mode. “Ningning, don’t underestimate your own capacity to endure. Love is about enduring pain, sure, but pain exists to be endured.”

Feng Ning’s eyes had gone slightly dark with fatigue. “It’s not that I can’t handle pain. There’s nothing I can’t handle, I won’t die from it anyway. I just — I don’t dare touch it. I’m afraid it’ll shatter.”

“Afraid of what shattering, afraid your beautiful memories will shatter?” Staring at her for two seconds, Shuang Yao said, exasperated: “So he’s already laid it all out, and you’re still going to keep backing away? Are you a coward or what?!”

Feng Ning said flatly, “Shuang Yao, I’m not being a coward. It’s just — there’s so little in this life I get to look back on fondly. Jiang Wen is one of those things.”

Shuang Yao was stunned by what she said. Then, a wave of tenderness and heartache followed.

She’d been there beside Feng Ning, witnessing with her own eyes how she’d struggled her way to where she was now. No matter how battered she became, no matter what depths she sank to, what setbacks and hardships she faced, no matter how deep the pit she fell into, Feng Ning had never once shown fear.

Even back when she’d taken a leave from school, when her mother passed away, when she and Jiang Wen broke up, through nights of endless insomnia, taking medication, penniless with a pile of debt — she’d never revealed any pain to anyone.

Back when she’d been sick, Feng Ning had said to Shuang Yao: “I don’t need anyone’s comfort, and I especially don’t need anyone performing sympathy in front of me. Just treat me the way you always have.”

Feng Ning was simply the kind of woman who never put on airs, never got sentimental. The tougher someone like that was, the more heartbreaking it became once she finally spoke words this gentle.

Shuang Yao couldn’t help herself. “But things have gotten this far, and you’re still pushing him away — how disappointed do you think Jiang Wen will be?”

Shuang Yao paused. “Do you know how much disappointment can cancel out even the most careful, meticulous feelings? I think this might be the last chance for you and Jiang Wen. You’re both not young anymore. If you go back to how things were before — not talking for a long time — you’ll each meet someone else eventually, and in the end, whatever’s between you two will just fade and fade until it’s gone.”

Feng Ning stared off into the distance, as if in a daze.

Shuang Yao kept at it earnestly. “It’s not time that fades things — it’s disappointment. You’ve given Jiang Wen too much disappointment already. You only see the relief right in front of you, but life is long — don’t spend the rest of yours regretting it.”

The mood grew heavy for a few seconds.

“These heartfelt words of yours—”

Feng Ning turned to look at her, unbothered. “Which relationship advice account did you rip that off from this time? Must have just memorized it.”

Shuang Yao: “…”

Ignoring her expression, Feng Ning continued lazily, “Shuang Yao, watch less of that stuff, it’s making you dumber.”

Shuang Yao gave her a hard shove and said, “Bitch, fuck you.”

Feng Ning laughed.

…

…

Feng Ning returned to the hospital room to find Jiang Wen’s bed empty. She called him, but no one answered.

Feng Ning went out to ask the doctor.

The doctor said, “Oh, him? Jiang Wen, right? He’s already been discharged.”

Feng Ning called Jiang Wen twice more in a row. The third time, it finally connected.

She asked, “Where did you go?”

“Don’t know.”

“What do you mean, don’t know?”

Jiang Wen: “I got lost.”

She asked patiently, “Lost where?”

“What do you want from me?”

Feng Ning: “…”

After a pause, Jiang Wen said gloomily, “You left with Shuang Yao, why do you even care about me.”

Sure enough.

Feng Ning had never seen someone so petty, but she held her patience. “I just went out to talk with her. How is that leaving with her?”

Jiang Wen made an “oh” sound, offering nothing else.

Feng Ning’s head throbbed. She closed her eyes for a moment, then coaxed him gently, in a good-natured tone. “Send me your location, I’ll come find you.”

A park.

Jiang Wen sat on a bench, a pale green lake stretching before him. The wind blew past, rippling the surface. Pigeons flapped their wings along the shore.

A few little girls crouched on the grass, tearing up bread crumbs.

It looked like a scene straight out of a TV drama.

Feng Ning walked over, blocking his view of the scenery.

The wind that swept past was sharp, biting. Jiang Wen sat like a statue, not moving an inch.

Staring at the soft, dark whorl of hair on top of his head, like a small child, Feng Ning reached her hand out in front of his eyes and waved it up and down.

Jiang Wen didn’t move at all.

She lowered her hand.

The two sat side by side, occasionally a white pigeon landing near their feet.

Silence in the cold wind. Jiang Wen showed no intention of chatting with her. So Feng Ning watched the little girls feeding the pigeons nearby to pass the time.

To break the stillness, Feng Ning tried telling a couple of jokes.

After she finished, she laughed; he stayed silent.

Jiang Wen: “Do you think you’re funny?”

Feng Ning: “…”

She twisted her mouth and laughed to herself anyway.

Genuinely getting a headache from the cold wind, Feng Ning simply stood up. “Let’s go, I’ll take you to get something to eat.”

…

…

They caught a cab to East Street, hardly speaking a word the whole ride. This was the busiest time of day, and they went to a barbecue joint where a few people came over to greet her. Someone recognized Feng Ning and mentioned that Meng Hanmo had gone off somewhere.

Feng Ning didn’t pay it much mind, pointing behind her at Jiang Wen. “I’m not here looking for my brother, just bringing my friend for a meal.”

Cuntou, a cigarette dangling from his lips, sized up Jiang Wen’s formal outfit and tilted his head teasingly. “Ooh, such a handsome young man?”

Feng Ning nodded. “You all don’t need to worry about me, go about your business.”

Coming in from the freezing outdoors into the heated restaurant, the warm air made her skin prickle a bit. She took off her coat and picked a quiet corner to sit down. After a moment, remembering something, she got up and grabbed a hot water bottle from the checkout counter, practiced and familiar with the routine.

She set it aside to charge.

A few minutes later, the indicator light switched from red to green. Feng Ning tossed the hot water bottle into Jiang Wen’s arms. “Warm your stomach.”

He accepted her care as though it were only natural.

Jiang Wen preferred light flavors and ordered only mild spice.

Grilled wings, chicken feet, chives, beef skewers, lamb skewers, potatoes, cartilage, grilled shrimp, all kinds of fragrant barbecue, plus a pot of stomach-nourishing seafood porridge — everything came to the table.

Amid the steam, Jiang Wen ate a couple of bites, then set down his chopsticks.

Feng Ning ate with her head down, thoroughly enjoying herself.

He watched her for two or three seconds.

Sensing it, she slowed her chewing, glancing up slightly, meeting his eyes in confusion.

Jiang Wen finally deigned to speak. “Don’t you have anything you want to say to me.”

Feng Ning swallowed what was in her mouth, her lips glistening with oil, and looked at him. “Say what.”

“What do you think?”

Feng Ning thought about it. “Happy New Year.”

Jiang Wen laughed in sheer exasperation. “That’s it?”

She thought again. “May you be happy always.”

“Ha. Ha.”

Jiang Wen glared at Feng Ning.

She turned to look elsewhere.

Having held it in for a whole day, Jiang Wen finally erupted, saying sarcastically, “It’s only been one night, and you’re planning to play amnesia with me?”

Watching her keep playing dumb in front of him, Jiang Wen felt truly, deeply wronged.

The more he thought about it — thought about all the time they’d wasted — the more his heart ached, damn it.

Even if from now on, every single minute and second going forward would be cherished, the years of regret, the blank spaces of what they’d missed, could never be made up for.

The most infuriating thing was that after everything he’d said last night, Feng Ning — this most iron-hearted woman in the entire world — could act as if nothing had happened at all, brazenly continuing to play dead in front of him.

Jiang Wen thought that if he waited for her to bring up what had happened between them on her own, he might be waiting his whole life.

“I remember I was drunk. You didn’t seem to be.”

Feng Ning quietly picked up a potato skewer and set it on the metal tray in front of him, saying softly, “Eat something first. You’ll need the energy to discuss anything else.”

Hearing this, Jiang Wen’s face went dark with anger.

“Feng Ning, I’m not doing this for fun. I’ve spent all this time on you, you owe me an explanation.”

His expression was that of a wronged party confronting a shady merchant. Feng Ning asked, curious: “An explanation? What kind of explanation do you want.”

Without waiting for his answer, Feng Ning picked up a bottle of liquor and cracked it open. “How about this — let’s drink then. You don’t drink, I’ll drink alone, consider it making up for what I owe you from yesterday.”

As she spoke, Feng Ning poured along the rim of the glass, foam sliding down as she filled it herself, then lifted it and drained it in one go.

Liquor spilled from the corner of her mouth; she wiped it away carelessly and poured another.

A full glass, downed again in one breath.

Feng Ning drank three glasses in a row, then said, “Alright, let’s talk.”

Under the table, Jiang Wen’s fist clenched.

Feng Ning, unhurried: “I’m going to ask you three questions, and you can ask me too. After we’re done, I’ll give you your answer from yesterday.”

“First question — do you still like me now?”

Jiang Wen: “Yes.”

Having answered, he asked Feng Ning in turn, “What about you? Do you still like me?”

Feng Ning answered earnestly: “Maybe a few years ago, I still did.”

Her words landed like a basin of ice water poured straight over his head, extinguishing every flame in Jiang Wen. For a moment, he showed a flicker of vulnerability, but quickly composed himself, masking it with a haughty expression.

“I don’t care whether you like me or not. I only know I’ve been kept waiting by you for far too long. Your body, your heart — I need at least one of them. The rest, whatever.”

Feng Ning burst out laughing, thoroughly amused by his domineering-CEO tone.

Jiang Wen’s handsome young face darkened. “You’re still laughing, don’t you have a heart.”

Feng Ning poured herself another glass, stopping her laughter. “What, am I not even allowed to laugh now?”

She said, “I don’t have a heart. There’s just me left.”

Taking a sip of liquor, Feng Ning held up two fingers. “Second question — describe how I appear in your heart right now.”

Jiang Wen twisted his mouth into a mocking smile. “Hypocritical. Selfish. Cold. Cruel. Iron-hearted. Ruthless. Self-righteous.”

She let him curse her out.

Feng Ning listened without any change in expression, then nodded in agreement. “Got it. Anything else you want to ask me?”

Staring at her, Jiang Wen said nothing.

In front of others, Jiang Wen had always carried himself with proud disdain. Yet no matter how confident and arrogant he was, whenever he encountered Feng Ning, he still ended up humbled to the dust.

This iron tree of his, blooming a small, helpless, hopeless bud in the dust — only to have it crushed under her heel and ground down without mercy.

After a silence, Jiang Wen said, “I can follow behind you without any dignity, but you at least have to turn around and look at me.”

His face was full of wounded expression, and it stabbed at her heart.

Feng Ning made an acknowledging sound, still maintaining the tone of a negotiation. “Alright, last question.”

“What question?”

Feng Ning mused for a moment. “Are you afraid that, in the end, all of this between us turns out to be just a grand, empty dream?”

“You — I don’t know.”

Jiang Wen said coldly, “Whatever grand dream I might have, it’s nothing more than you loving me.”

Hearing his answer, Feng Ning fell silent.

Feng Ning nodded. “Since that’s the case.”

She tore off a piece of white paper, dipped it in beer, and rolled it around a chopstick.

Feng Ning dropped the chopstick, now tied with a small white flag, into her glass and slid it across to Jiang Wen, saying, “I surrender.”

Jiang Wen’s expression shifted several times before going still.

His eyes never left her; wanting to stay calm, but his voice had already gone completely hoarse. “What does surrender mean.” Feng Ning answered a different question entirely: “Do you know the opening lyrics of ‘Eliminated’?”

Jiang Wen: “What?”

“Every lie I ever told before, you believed all of them.”

She laughed. “Now, if I say I love you, will you believe it?”

Jiang Wen was stunned for a moment, his heart trembling, and he said through gritted teeth, “I don’t believe it.”

Feng Ning started laughing, laughing, and her eyes gradually turned red.

“You once, on the bus, while I was sleeping, played me a song. After you left, that song’s melody has come back to me again and again, over these eight years, through countless sleepless nights.”

Feng Ning kept laughing. “Oh right, do you know why I like Chibi Maruko-chan? Because Maruko has a grandfather, has parents. I have nothing left.”

“Actually, I think there’s nothing left for me to lose.”

“Except you, Jiang Wen. Except you.”

Jiang Wen felt terrible.

But he could feel his entire being slowly, bit by bit, melting.

“Feng Ning always thought of herself as a pretty formidable person. She could conquer heaven and earth, climb mountains and cross seas, afraid of nothing, caring about nothing. Later, after three, five years, having endured everything, she finally realized, with a weary resignation, that she wasn’t actually all-powerful. Forgetting Jiang Wen — that was something it took her a very, very long time, and she still hadn’t managed it.”

“Jiang Wen, let me tell you a secret.”

Jiang Wen said hoarsely, “What secret.”

Her gaze burned with intensity. “You are the most precious thing this wretch called Feng Ning has ever had, and ever lost, in this life.”

“So, the more I think about it, the less reconciled I am. I should try to win you back.”

Feng Ning pressed her hand against her own chest, made a fist, and opened it in front of Jiang Wen. She returned to her usual careless demeanor. “I won’t say any more sappy stuff. I’m taking my heart out and giving it to you — still bleeding, still warm, the only one like it in this whole world. So, what do you say — do you want it or not?”

Jiang Wen couldn’t speak for a long moment.

He’d waited for this day — he didn’t know how long, how many days and nights, waited until he’d given up hope, yet still couldn’t let her go. Now, at this very moment, he’d finally seen in Feng Ning’s eyes the depth of feeling he’d longed for, yet it still felt like a dream.

Feng Ning called out, “The blood on my hand is about to drip onto the floor. If you don’t want it, I’m putting my heart back.”

He cursed at her, “Are you insane.”

The restaurant buzzed with noise.

The lights were bright.

Jiang Wen rose slightly, leaning halfway across the table, cupping the side of Feng Ning’s face with one hand, and kissed her.