The undertone of life seems to be an endless sorrow, an endless loneliness.
When a person begins to hold onto memories of someone else, it means their bond with that person is nearing its end. What a pity I didn’t understand that truth back then.
It was just an ordinary morning when Mom fell asleep and never woke up again.
She had passed by drinking medicine, and by the time she was found, it was already too late to save her.
A short farewell letter was left on the bedside table.
[Haiyan, Qingqing, Mom is so sorry to leave in such an undignified way. But death isn’t the end of life—forgetting is. If living means forgetting, then I’ve really been dead for a long time already; it just took this long for anyone to notice.
[This was a choice Mom made a long time ago. Don’t be sad for me—everyone has their own path to walk. Mom was so happy to have been able to walk alongside you two for a while, but this is as far as I can go. There’s someone else waiting for me. He’s waited so long already, waiting for me to finish seeing this world before I go join him. Mom can’t bear to let him stay alone in the other world any longer.
[Qingqing, Mom wants you to know that Mom loves you too. You were never a burden to Mom—you were the one who made Mom’s regrets whole again. To have had such a wonderful daughter in these last few years of my life was Mom’s honor. I’m sorry I never made it to a single one of your parent-teacher meetings. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to—Mom imagined, so many times, standing beside you, proudly telling your classmates that I was Tang Heqing’s mother. It’s just that Mom didn’t know—if, after I was gone, someone asked you where I’d gone, whether that would only hurt you more.
Qingqing, be brave from now on. You’re such a wonderful child, and Mom is so proud of you.
Lastly, Mom loves you.
[Haiyan, Mom owes you an apology. Because of Mom’s selfishness and cowardice, I held you back from the dream you’d always chased—that was Mom’s mistake, and Mom shouldn’t have trapped you in the name of love. Everyone has their own path, and you’re grown now, capable of taking responsibility for your own life. Go do what you want to do. Mom won’t hold you back anymore. Please also apologize to Xiao Fu for me—I’m sorry I took my anger out on him at first. Lastly, Mom loves you too.]
I only slept one night, and when I woke up, Mom was gone.
Zhou Haiyan only went on one out-of-town trip, and by the time he came home, Mom was gone.
I suppose some people really have already met for the last time, and simply don’t realize it yet.
Mom, so thin and frail, was wheeled into that metal chamber, and what came out afterward was a small, square box.
The moment I saw the urn, I broke free of the numb, dazed state I’d been trapped in and finally couldn’t hold back—I wept aloud, my chest wrenching as if carved open with a knife, an overwhelming wave of grief sweeping over me, tears blurring my vision.
Zhou Haiyan held me, his eyes red, saying nothing.
The whole hall was filled with anguished sobbing on every side—some people cried until they fainted, others wept quietly to themselves.
There was an old man leaning on a cane, forced to bury a child who should have outlived him. There was a heavily pregnant woman collapsed on the floor, her husband among the dead. There was a two-year-old sucking on a lollipop, watching with blank incomprehension as their mother was wheeled through a door they’d never come back out of.
All living things suffer; every form of grief looks different, yet the world itself is a kind of purgatory all the same.
Every sudden departure is preceded by a long trail of foreshadowing.
Her sudden willingness to see a doctor, the increasingly visible effects of treatment, the one parent-teacher meeting she refused to attend no matter what, no longer dancing beneath the tree or staring blankly by the door, the extra batch of cookies she’d made…
Looking back, all the signs had been there all along.
I was simply too foolish to notice.