My name is Bai Ying.
I was born in Cangxue City, known as the hell for women. From a young age, my father raised me in seclusion within a tall building. As far back as I can remember, I never left that room.
I often asked my father, “Where is Mother?”
He would always gaze at me deeply, then shake his head.
In Cangxue, no one has a mother, or rather, we never get to know our mothers. After giving birth, women are seen as auspicious and are taken away for further breeding, prioritized for the nobility until they die from a difficult childbirth or some severe illness.
I don’t remember what my mother looked like, and she probably doesn’t remember me either.
As I grew older, the look in my father’s eyes became increasingly heavy. I knew it wasn’t easy for him to raise me, and he didn’t want me to suffer the same fate as my mother.
But this was Cangxue City. How long could we hide?
When I was thirteen, a disgruntled servant, upset about having his wages docked for breaking porcelain, reported my existence to the authorities. My father, in a panic, helped me escape from the manor, telling me I must survive at all costs.
It was my first time seeing the bustling streets and hearing the cries of street vendors.
But I didn’t know where to go.
In the distance, I saw a girl about my age being discovered by guards and captured. She screamed in despair, her feet kicking frantically against the ground, leaving ugly mud marks in the white snow.
Terrified, I turned to leave but accidentally bumped into someone, causing my hair to come undone.
My father had styled my hair in a male topknot, warning me never to let it come loose, or I’d be caught.
Panicked, I held my hair with my hands and ran as fast as I could.
I didn’t know where I was running to. Adults surrounded me, eyeing me suspiciously. Perhaps after a few more steps, someone would stop me. Even if I managed to escape the city, I’d likely starve to death in the wilderness.
In my desperation, I saw a person.
She wore a sky-blue man’s robe, her eyes bright but aloof, looking unapproachable.
For some reason, I felt that among all the people on the street, only she wouldn’t harm me.
I ran to her hurriedly, desperately clutching her robe.
She paused, turned to look at me, and after a moment’s hesitation, picked me up. It was a warm embrace, different from my father’s. I hugged her neck, feeling a lump in my throat.
“I can barely protect myself, let alone help you much,” she said, putting me down and redoing my hair. She smeared some mud on my face and added, “You’ll have to fend for yourself.”
I stared at her blankly as she took two steps forward, then retreated.
“What can you do?” she asked, looking at me.
When I left home, my father had stroked my head with tears in his eyes, saying, “Father can’t protect you anymore. I hope you’re lucky enough to meet a kind deity who will shelter you for the rest of your life.”
I thought he was telling a child’s tale. If there were really deities in this world, how could I not have a mother?
But at that moment, looking up at her, I realized my father hadn’t lied to me.
She tucked me under her arm and successfully evaded the pursuing guards, bringing me to a secluded courtyard. She gave me warm clothes, hot food, and when I was scared, she even slept beside me.
It was the most peaceful sleep I’d had in thirteen years.
To save me, they exposed their identities, using Muxing City’s token to protect us.
The deity asked me, “Do you want to leave this place with me?”
While the other children seemed confused, I looked at her and answered firmly, “Yes!”
My homeland was just a tower I could never return to; there was nothing to miss. Since she saved me, I would serve her as my master. From then on, wherever she went, I would follow.
My deity was extraordinary. Despite being a woman, she could use Yuan Power. She taught us combat techniques and weapon forging. I studied diligently, not because I wanted to become self-reliant quickly, but because I didn’t want to disappoint her.
She was soft-hearted towards me but cold towards others, especially the handsome man traveling with us. He tried every way to be kind to her, but she always rebuffed him indifferently.
There were no such good men in Cangxue City. Some of my companions even thought my deity was being unreasonable.
I fought with one of them, breaking her rib while only suffering some scratches on my face.
My deity called me over to apply medicine, frowning as she looked at me.
I panicked, clenching my fists. “This servant won’t dare do it again.”
But she asked, “Why did you fight for no reason?”
I didn’t answer, just pressed my lips together and lowered my head. Even if she scolded me, I didn’t want to repeat Nan Xing’s thoughtless words and upset her.
To my surprise, she didn’t scold me. Seeing my reaction, she smiled. “You’re a sensible child. I’m sure you didn’t start trouble without reason. But next time you fight, consider the consequences. It’s hard to find a doctor while we’re traveling, and rashly breaking someone’s bones could be life-threatening. Wait until we reach a city to fight, alright?”
I was stunned by her words.
My deity wasn’t like the merciful Guanyin who saves all beings. She was more like a chivalrous woman who believed in justice and vengeance.
But this made me respect her even more.
I accompanied her from being a Golden Hairpin Duelist to becoming the Lord of Chaoyang City, and then watched her transform from a city lord to the Queen of Six Cities. I myself grew from a child barely reaching her waist to a mature woman.
The deity often asked if I wanted to marry. If I did, she would find me a good husband and provide a generous dowry. If not, she would keep me by her side, allowing me to live out my days in the palace.
I chose the latter, and she didn’t say much about it.
She said true freedom is having the power to choose, not being forced to do something. Now that peace reigned, I could be happily married as someone’s wife, or I could be myself and live freely.
The deity was always right, and my reason for staying was simple.
I feared she wouldn’t fare well without me.
I had seen her looking desolate by the window, and I had witnessed her composed facade in public crumble into panic and helplessness in private. I had seen her fall for Lord Ji, and I had seen her heart break because of him.
Even though they’ve reconciled now, I’m still not at ease. Only the carefree Fuling would constantly praise His Majesty.
His Majesty is indeed good, but in my eyes, how many men can remain unchanged for a lifetime? He may be good now, but what about the future? Sitting in that supreme position, won’t he desire more women? Won’t he grow tired of my deity after some quarrel? Won’t he become bored with this relationship in the monotony of daily life?
I don’t trust men, so I must always remain by my deity’s side.