From a young age, I knew I was born beautiful. When I was six, I overheard our neighbor gossiping to my mother, “Sister Cai is so lucky. With Xiao Tao looking like that, it seems your poor family is going to produce a golden phoenix.”
At that time, I didn’t understand what a golden phoenix was, but I understood poverty too well. After me, my mother gave birth to three more brothers, and our livelihood depended entirely on my father working our meager plot of land. One year, we were left with only a bit of rice and flour. My mother made noodles and gave them all to my brothers, leaving me with just the broth. That night, I was so hungry that I drank water desperately until my stomach ached, doubled over in pain, and vomited bile against the wall. There was nothing in my stomach to throw up, only bile. The winter night was unusually cold, and I trembled against the wall, watching the bile seep into the cracks between the stones, swearing to myself that I would never endure such days again.
As I grew older, boys from several miles around would circle me, and I learned how to use my charms to gain more from them. The one who came to me most often was called Tiger, his mother worked as a wet nurse in a wealthy family in the city and often brought me many rare and curious items. I knew he liked me very much, but I didn’t care for him. I knew that with my looks, I could eventually exchange them for a better life.
However, I pretended to admire him greatly and asked him to teach me how to read, even if it was just to write my name. He was delighted that I saw him differently and became even more attentive, bringing me various little gifts. At one Lantern Festival, he secretly brought me a delicately carved food box. When I opened it, his eyes lit up with intense longing, but he still handed it to me and said, “This is called Rose Powder Balls, given to my mother by the lady of that house. As soon as I got it, I brought it to you.”
Looking at the pink carved box with its yellow silk lining and eight pink, tender, fragrant balls inside, I realized for the first time that there were such exquisite foods in the world besides noodles and dumplings. I looked at the rough cloth cuffs of my sleeves and felt a sudden sourness in my heart, silently shedding tears.
Tiger was frightened and quickly came to wipe the tears from my face, anxiously asking, “What’s wrong? Don’t you like it? This is something only the young ladies in the capital can enjoy!”
I discreetly avoided his hand and immediately put on a sweet smile, saying, “Nothing, I’m just very moved. Thank you, Brother Tiger.”
Later, I begged my mother every day to send me to the noble house in the capital to become a maid. My mother thought it was a good thing to save one mouth and earn some money to buy clothes for my brothers, so she took me to ask Tiger’s mother for help. Tiger’s mother, seeing that I could read simple words and that I was pretty, happened to have a vacancy for a coarse maid in the Marquis’s mansion, so she pushed me into it.
Once in the Marquis’s mansion, I realized that there was such immense wealth in the world, with even the maids in the mansion strictly ranked and commanding others. What I couldn’t bear to wear was considered coarse and unworthy material in their eyes, and even the precious Rose Powder Balls were just ordinary treats to them.
I felt the world was very unfair. None of them were born more beautiful than me, so why could they ride on my head and be superior in every way? I used all sorts of methods, relying on my cunning, to climb up step by step. Finally, one day, I gained the favor of Lady Wang and became a second-grade maid in her room.
Lady Wang had a high temper and often boasted about how her brother was highly regarded in the court. Many people didn’t like her, but I could always say things that pleased her, so she liked me very much and praised me for being clever and sensible. However, I noticed that His Highness rarely came to her room, especially after she gave birth to her second son.
After the birth of her second son, her temperament changed a lot, and she became increasingly dissatisfied with her status as an aunt. Every time she returned from paying respects to the princess, she would be very angry, as if she harbored extreme resentment. Gradually, she began to do some things in secret, but how could an aunt fight against a princess? I quietly advised her not to do these foolish things, but she slapped me several times in a row and scolded me, seeming to want to vent all her grievances on me. It was then that I realized that even if I was highly favored by my master, I was just a servant, the lowest of the low.
One day she got drunk, and only I was there to serve her. She mistook me for the princess and scolded me, saying that I was the one who caused her second son to be born with defects and that she must reclaim what was rightfully hers for her son. I was startled, immediately forcing myself to forget about it, afraid of being found out by her when she sobered up.
Just as I trembled every day, hoping for a better way out, I stumbled upon a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. One night, His Highness came to find Lady Wang, but she was coaxing her second son to sleep in his room.
I helped His Highness into the room and saw that he seemed a bit heartbroken. He lay on the bed repeatedly murmuring a name, it seemed to be Qianyue. I didn’t know who that person was, but I could tell that person was very important to him. At that moment, a bold idea suddenly arose in my heart, and I reached out and grabbed His Highness’s hand, softly saying, “Are you looking for me? I’m here.” At that moment, my whole body trembled with fear, afraid of being discovered and kicked out of the mansion by him. But His Highness stared at me intently, suddenly pulled me into his arms, and then I knew, I succeeded.
After that night, Lady Wang was furious and wanted to sell me out of the mansion. But His Highness felt guilty. I cried heavily the next day, feeling that he had taken advantage of me while drunk, and didn’t allow Lady Wang to sell me off at will. At this time, perhaps heaven began to favor me, and I found out that I was pregnant.
Later, I gave birth to a daughter, with a pink, chubby face and fair, tender arms, which reminded me of the Rose Powder Balls I once treasured, equally sweet and tender, making me feel unreal but reluctant to let go.
Although not having a son was somewhat disheartening, fortunately, His Highness seemed to adore our daughter, whom he named Xuan’er. When Xuan’er was less than a year old, Lady Wang came to see me and said, “With my status, I’m not even worthy to be a maid, but if you’re willing to hand your daughter over to me to raise, I can agree to promote you to auntie.”
This offer was too tempting to resist. Without much hesitation, I agreed. After all, my fate was easily manipulated by others, and sooner or later, my daughter would be gone. It was better to take advantage of the situation now.
Later, I found out that His Highness adored Xuan’er very much. He felt that the child was too young to be separated from her mother and disagreed with Lady Wang’s idea of leaving the child behind and selling me off. Lady Wang was afraid that his frequent visits to my room would cause trouble, so she took Xuan’er away by coaxing and deceiving him and gave me a superficial promotion to auntie. But only I knew that in this mansion, no one truly respected me, and I was still the lowly servant who could be trampled upon at will.
But I endured it. I still had my daughter, which was my greatest bargaining chip. I would endure until the day my daughter grew up, and I would find a way to reclaim what rightfully belonged to me.
Later on, I would often sneak into Lady Wang’s courtyard to see Xuan’er, waiting for the right time to reveal my identity to her. Finally, one day, I saw her clumsily chasing after a butterfly, accidentally falling into a flower bed, but no one came to help her. She wrinkled her pink, chubby face, sitting on the ground helplessly crying. At that moment, my heart skipped a beat. I had never felt this way for anyone in my life. I was suddenly afraid and wanted to leave, but thinking of my plan, I immediately rushed over to pick her up and comfort her gently.
Xuan’er finally stopped crying, staring at me with teary eyes, and asked, “Who are you?”
I knew the timing wasn’t right yet, so I lied and told her I was a maid from another courtyard and played with her for a while before leaving. Later on, I would often secretly visit her, bringing her favorite sweets. Xuan’er liked me very much and became increasingly dependent on me. I knew Lady Wang didn’t care much for her. She only passed her off to a wet nurse during the day, and the other servants were very indifferent to her. Xuan’er was very lonely, and I was the only one who treated her well. And I understood that this was my greatest opportunity.
One day, I intentionally cried while holding a handkerchief embroidered with her name, until Xuan’er asked me why. I deliberately told her that I was her real mother. Xuan’er was both surprised and apologetic, throwing herself into my arms and crying bitterly for a long time before finally raising her head and calling me “mother” softly.
Hearing her timid call, I felt my heart melting. Everything was going according to plan, but I couldn’t help but cry with her. Later, she cried herself to sleep in my arms. I saw tear marks on her pink, chubby face, and her chubby little hands tightly grasped my arm, as if afraid that I would disappear when she woke up.
That was the first time I realized that Xuan’er was a piece of my flesh. Every tear she shed felt like it was falling on my heart, and every time we were separated felt like my flesh being peeled from my bones, unbearable.
Perhaps fate had already decided at that moment. My little rose-colored ball was a luxury that was never meant to belong to me, and all my struggles and persistence only tarnished this originally beautiful treasure, staining it with unwarranted dust…