During Spring Festival 2001, Father Wen was busy with military affairs and couldn’t return home for the New Year. He only managed to send birthday gifts to his two daughters through someone else.
Si Er received a precious collection of piano sheet music and a dazzling pearl necklace; A-Heng received a Huzhou purple bristle brush and an inkstone from Duan.
The purple bristles of the brush were made from the soft yet sturdy neck hair of wild rabbits, while the handle was crafted from bamboo that had been drug-treated and dried to remove roughness. It felt warm and lustrous in my hand. The Duan inkstone was naturally formed, featuring numerous water patterns and celadon hues that suggested the scene of a small bridge over flowing water, yet it maintained a stern dignity, exquisitely cold and elegant.
A-Heng couldn’t put them down, but Mother Wen found it strange, saying with a smile: “This doesn’t seem like your father’s style.”
A few days later, when Father Wen called, they learned that he had asked someone to find these two items, which were reportedly their previous owner’s beloved possessions.
A-Heng felt uneasy – taking someone else’s treasures didn’t seem right.
Father Wen laughed heartily and, without explaining further, just said mysteriously and somewhat proudly that she should cherish them well to not disappoint their former owner.
A-Heng agreed. When Si Er glimpsed A-Heng’s gifts, her face, which had been sour for days, softened somewhat.
Brush, ink, and inkstone weren’t particularly valuable things.
Yet A-Heng loved these two birthday gifts deeply, spending all day hugging them and grinning foolishly, barely paying attention to others – for instance, a certain someone who had stepped on a landmine at the birthday party.
Yan Xi stood tearfully behind A-Heng, releasing a small flying tiger firecracker to attract the young lady’s attention: “Daughter, look here, look here, I’m right here!”
Whoosh, bang.
A-Heng smiled slightly, deliberately ignoring him as she walked past calmly.
Xin Da Yi, who was busy digging holes to bury firecrackers to scare passersby, was startled instead. He poked out his soot-covered head and looked down at Yan Xi: “Yan Xi, can you be any more childish?”
“I’m happy, so bite me!” Yan Xi rolled up his sleeves, lit a firecracker, threw it directly into the hole, and continued bouncing after A-Heng with tears in his eyes.
Bang, boom.
Xin Da Yi was long buried in that hole, his mission failed before it began, leaving the hero’s collar soaked with tears.
Thus, this person was dead – please burn paper offerings.
It had been three years. A-Heng counted the days, tearing off calendar pages.
The college entrance exam was drawing closer, like a hurdle – crossing it might not mean much, but not crossing it would make you feel like you were missing something compared to others.
Yan Xi read his physics and chemistry books until he repeatedly wanted to jump from the second floor of his house and bid farewell to this world.
A-Heng narrowed her eyes, peering out the window, calculating distance, speed, wind direction, and air resistance before smiling at Yan Xi: “Go ahead and jump, it’s fine. You won’t die, though even being disabled is questionable.”
Yan Xi clenched his fists with determination: “Chairman Mao said that although everyone will die, we can’t be spineless like chicken feathers discarded by KFC’s American imperialism. We must be like Mount Tai, crushing the three reactionary mountains of physics, chemistry, and the college entrance exam. Chairman Mao also said, ‘Yan Xi, since you were born so gloriously, you must die magnificently!’ So, A-Heng, don’t worry, I won’t commit suicide!”
Xin Da Yi: …
Mary: …
A-Heng: …
At the front of the classroom, a countdown card hung on the blackboard: × days until the college entrance exam. Every day at school, when you momentarily forgot the date and your mind went blank, accidentally seeing one less day on the countdown card would give you an indescribable feeling of cold sweat and wasted time.
Everyone was hurried, but A-Heng remained calm. Her life had always been well-ordered, maintaining the same rhythm since freshman year. So while others doubled their diligence, she kept to her usual routine.
Mother Wen, however, worried about A-Heng and Yan Xi’s approaching exams and the mental strain. She made different nourishing soups every day – chicken soup, duck soup, bone soup, squab soup, pig brain soup… never repeating the same recipe.
Si Er was a year behind them in eleventh grade, while Si Wan was a year ahead in college freshman year. Both were temporarily set aside by the Wen family as everything revolved around A-Heng and Yan Xi’s needs.
As a result, the Wen daughter and Yan son were in good spirits and each gained a full circle of weight.
Xiao Xia had successfully enrolled in Xi Lin High School. The young boy had grown somewhat more sensible and didn’t constantly cling to his brother and sister whining anymore. However, he had to eat lunch with A-Heng and the others in their classroom.
The young boy was stubborn and righteously declared: “Sister A-Heng and Brother Yan Xi are my family, and family must eat rice together.”
Yan Xi glanced sideways: “Then eat your rice and stop drooling over my spare ribs.”
Xiao Xia’s eyes welled up: “Brother, do you not care about me anymore? Do you not love me anymore? No! If you don’t care about me and don’t love me, I’ll die of heartbreak!”
A-Heng’s mouth twitched: “Xiao Xia, is your class performing Shakespeare for the cultural festival?”
The young boy proudly replied: “No! It’s our original play! I’m playing the male lead who picks himself up after being dumped by the class beauty only to be dumped again by the school beauty.”
…
Child, that’s not called the male lead – at best a bit player, at most cannon fodder…
A-Heng tore off calendar pages, counting three years; the class tore off days, counting down to a certain day in July. Though the two had nothing in common, Xin Da Yi suspected she had developed pre-exam anxiety.
He whispered to Rou Si, who just rolled his eyes: “You think this is pre-labor anxiety? Look carefully at who this person is – how could she get pre-exam anxiety? Xin Da Yi, are you messing with me!”
Fool, don’t make wild guesses if you don’t know the reason.
Half a month before the college entrance exam, the school surveyed university preferences. Most graduating students chose either B City or S City – one the capital, one the wealthiest city. The teachers and principal were very satisfied.
Yan Xi was torn between B City and S City. B meant spending his whole life in his hometown, which wasn’t very impressive; S meant too big a difference in lifestyle – he probably couldn’t get used to the food. Finally, he casually marked B.
Looking at A-Heng’s paper, however, he saw she had submitted it blank. He knew she wasn’t comfortable manipulating fate; going with the flow was A-Heng’s usual attitude. So he smiled and let her be.
He didn’t know how to properly dote on someone. While spoiling and indulging A-Heng, he always envied her attitude toward him – neither hot nor cold, neither cloying nor distant, just like the spare ribs she cooked, addictively irresistible.
Yet he could never achieve that himself. Often, closeness brought anxiety, while distance brought fear.
Then, the countdown papers in the classroom were torn away bit by bit until they finally reached the end. The principal gave a pre-exam mobilization speech in the auditorium, his expression passionate, his clothes soaked with sweat.
The crowd showed various reactions – confused or agreeing, catching up on sleep or solving problems, daydreaming or picking their noses – all walks of life on display.
Finally, the principal, parched and trembling, said: “You may leave school now and prepare well.”
The diverse crowd instantly united in cheers.
They exchanged their exam locations. A-Heng and Xin Da Yi were assigned to the same school, while Yan Xi and Chen Juan were at different schools.
Fortunately, none were far from home.
On the seventh, eighth, and ninth, Old Wen arranged a car, and Mother Wen accompanied the two children to their exams.
Mother Wen fussed the whole way in the car, very nervous: “Did you bring your admission ticket and ID? Did you bring 2B pencils? What about erasers, did you both bring everything?”
Yan Xi whined: “Auntie, I brought them, A-Heng and I both brought everything, don’t worry.”
Mother Wen continued fretting: “Are you two thirsty? Hot? This weather – how can July be so hot!”
Well, if July isn’t hot, when would it be…
The youth’s exam site was closer, so he got out first.
Yan Xi hadn’t been nervous before, but after Mother Wen’s constant fretting, he trembled slightly when getting out.
Looking back, he waved, smiled, and said goodbye.
A-Heng opened the car window, holding a bottle. She opened it and said: “Yan Xi, open your mouth.”
Yan Xi opened his mouth: “Huh?”
A-Heng quickly popped a green transparent thing into his mouth.
Yan Xi was startled and closed his mouth, but saliva kept forming as a cool, spicy mint fragrance instantly cleared his mind.
It was a mint candy.
“Do well on the exam.” She smiled slightly, her expression gentle and calm. Then she pressed the button, and the window slowly closed.
“Yan Xi, if possible, I want to go to the same university as you.” The voice was very soft, like sleep-talking, yet clear in his ears.
Yan Xi, if possible.
On the ninth, after the exam ended, everyone went crazy. Some groups were hugging and kissing wildly, others holding their heads and crying, repeating the same few phrases over and over.
“Your boy wasn’t easy, waa waa waa! When we get to university, I’m gonna date a different girl every day and no one can say it’s puppy love!”
“Your girl wasn’t easy, waa waa waa! Oh right, was question three in math option C?”
Even usually antagonistic people like Xin Da Yi and Mary were hugging and spinning in circles.
Yan Xi said: “A-Heng, A-Heng, let’s hug and spin too?”
A-Heng replied: “Let’s be clear first – are you hugging me and spinning, or am I hugging you and spinning?”
If you hug me, with your small frame, is that possible? If I hug you, that’s even more impossible.
So on that hot day, the two ran to Lu’s noodle shop and slurped down two bowls of beef noodles until they were sweating profusely – that counted as their celebration.
Then they both retreated to an air-conditioned room to wait for results, resuming their wastrel lifestyle.
Yan Xi sighed repeatedly: “So boring, so boring.”
A-Heng was mopping the floor and poked the mop at someone sprawled out on the floor playing dead: “Lie a bit to the side.”
Yan Xi said “Oh,” rolled over, and continued sighing.
A-Heng glanced at the calendar: “Aren’t the results supposed to come out tomorrow?”
Yan Xi nodded, yawning: “To be precise, at midnight tonight.”
A-Heng frowned: “But wouldn’t Grandfather probably call the exam office ahead of time to ask about the results?”
As soon as she finished speaking, the phone started ringing.
Yan Xi and A-Heng looked at each other.
“Ahem, you go.”
“You go.”
“A-Heng, you look so pretty.”
“And you look so handsome.”
“You’re unrivaled in beauty.”
“You’re the most handsome in the universe.”
“You go.”
“You go.”
“…”
“…”
“…A-Heng, I’m scared.”
“Me too.”
“Then let’s not answer it.”
“Mm.”
The phone rang for a long time before finally stopping.
After a long silence, A-Heng asked him: “What are you afraid of?”
Yan Xi stared at the ceiling and said: “I’m afraid of many things. I’m afraid I read questions wrong and filled in the wrong bubbles, I’m afraid my handwriting was too beautiful for the examiner to appreciate, I’m afraid of working hard for so long and getting nothing in return, I’m afraid everyone else will move forward while I’m left standing still…”
A-Heng looked at him, lowering her head slightly: “You know, for this exam, I won’t deliberately write wrong answers or score lower for anyone’s sake.”
“That’s fucking cruel.” Yan Xi buried his head in a cushion, laughing softly. “Since that’s the case, what are you afraid of?”
A-Heng smiled lightly: “I don’t know either.”
I’m afraid that when I do well, you won’t; afraid that when I do very well, you’ll only do okay; afraid that when I deliberately do poorly, you’ll unexpectedly do very well; afraid that when I genuinely do poorly, you’ll truly do very well.
With so many possible combinations, which one do you want to hear?
Which one would let us more quickly find another way of living, both becoming mere pieces in life’s game, even letting so-called family affection fade away?
When you like someone, every casual question from them weighs heavily in your heart, seemingly creating an ambiguous moment. If you answer, you could reveal your feelings, force them to say good or bad, could pile all your burdens on them as revenge for your time spent in secret love.
If she hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t know either; if she said she was afraid of not being able to be with you in the future.
If…
If she didn’t like him so very, very much, presumably, she could have said it out loud.