Yan Ming’s voice was somewhat unnatural, his gaze fixed on the hot milk on the coffee table: “You don’t need to cry either.”

Sure enough, he had again mistaken her teary eyes from yawning for being on the verge of tears.

This was somewhat amusing.

But Yu Tian didn’t know whether it was because she was too tired, causing sluggish thinking and slow reactions, or because of some other reason. Her senses seemed deliberately slowed down. Everything from the moment Yan Ming sat so close to her felt like the world had been cast under a slow-motion spell.

While Yu Tian was in a daze, a tissue was handed to her by Yan Ming. His voice was light, his gaze slightly averted. If there weren’t only Yu Tian in the room at that moment, one might think he was talking to someone else—

“Why do you like crying so much?”

But Yu Tian thought of the crucial question: “What about Chen Xi? If you stay with me, what about her?”

Yan Ming looked at his phone somewhat unnaturally, then showed a look of sudden realization: “Oh, she just sent me a message saying she’s not coming tonight. She has quite a lot of clothes to organize.”

?? How convenient was that timing?

Now her defensive state for the evening could finally be lifted!

Yu Tian first breathed a sigh of relief, feeling somewhat elated, but then quickly became tense again.

Was Chen Xi moving house or something? Just staying temporarily for a few days, yet she needed a whole night to organize clothes! With this pace of organizing clothes, was she planning never to leave?!

However, since Chen Xi wasn’t coming tonight, Yu Tian felt she no longer needed to struggle to stay awake.

She finished her milk, yawned again, and prepared to return to the guest room to sleep.

But before she could say goodnight to Yan Ming, his phone rang.

He stood up to answer the call. It seemed like there was some critical patient situation at the hospital. After hanging up, Yan Ming’s expression was grave.

Yu Tian was concerned: “What’s wrong?”

Yan Ming’s voice was even more serious than his expression: “Xiao Ling suddenly took a turn for the worse and went into shock.”

Yu Tian’s heart sank. Although Xiao Ling had already had one eyeball removed, she had never thought it was a serious problem. After all, the child was so cheerful and lively. Yu Tian had assumed she just needed regular follow-ups after surgery or perhaps some minor surgery on her other good eye, since patients who had undergone single-eye removal surgery often had problems with their remaining eye, which wasn’t uncommon.

But judging from Yan Ming’s current expression, Xiao Ling’s condition was not as simple as a minor issue.

Yu Tian became nervous: “What illness does Xiao Ling have?”

Yan Ming’s voice was low: “Retinoblastoma.”

Just a few simple words, but Yu Tian understood everything.

This was a very common intraocular malignant tumor in children, but…

“Isn’t the cure rate quite high now? I remember it’s nearly eighty percent, and Xiao Ling’s eyeball has already been removed!”

Such a sunny, adorable child!

Yan Ming’s voice also carried reluctance: “Although she had surgery, because it wasn’t discovered early enough and surgery was already somewhat late when she came, just four years after the surgery, metastasis still occurred. This hospitalization was not only to check the condition of her other eye, but also to see if there was still a chance for another surgery. That’s why she was staying in the ward first. But given the child’s current physical condition, she’s no longer suitable for surgery.”

Yan Ming’s words made Yu Tian’s heart sink.

Once retinoblastoma recurred, it was very likely to enter the skull through the optic nerve or orbital fissure, and there was also the possibility of metastasizing through blood to bones, liver, or other organs throughout the body. In any case, once metastasis occurred, it was always extremely dangerous.

At that moment, Yan Ming’s phone rang again.

He answered and spoke for a few sentences. After hanging up, he finally breathed a long sigh of relief: “The hospital said Xiao Ling has been resuscitated and her condition is temporarily stabilized.”

Yu Tian was also a medical student – how could she not understand the implications behind Yan Ming’s hesitant “temporarily stabilized”?

Even if Xiao Ling could survive this shock, her physical condition was no longer suitable for surgery. She was basically in a countdown state of life, and the hospital would probably need to inform her parents of the real situation and suggest they arrange for discharge.

Sure enough, Yu Tian’s guess was correct.

“Xiao Ling’s parents were in a car accident when she was one year old. Her mother didn’t survive and passed away. Her father also lost a hand in the accident, and since then could only do odd jobs. These years of treating Xiao Ling’s illness had already stretched their finances thin. To raise money for Xiao Ling’s treatment, he could barely stay by her side during the day, working several jobs.”

So this was the real reason Xiao Ling was hospitalized alone, with hardly any parental companionship or visits.

Yan Ming’s voice was somewhat heavy: “Her father is staying with her tonight. I heard he’s already decided to arrange Xiao Ling’s discharge tomorrow.”

Many patients are very happy when arranging discharge procedures because their condition has finally been cured or controlled. However, some unfortunate people arrange discharge because they don’t have money to continue treatment, or because their condition has progressed to a point where treatment no longer makes sense.

Xiao Ling was the latter.

This child’s impending discharge made Yan Ming somewhat sensitive, too. His expression carried some fatigue and confusion.

“I’ve always advised my patients not to give up treatment.”

“Ophthalmic surgery requires very precise techniques, and patients’ judgment of post-operative effects is always very direct – whether vision has recovered and how much it has recovered.”

“But once surgery is performed, even if the doctor’s surgical operation is completely without problems, each patient’s recovery situation is different. No doctor in the world can guarantee that, as long as surgery is successful, it will achieve certain effects. Many patients can’t understand this. They only think, I had surgery, so why hasn’t my vision recovered, or why hasn’t it recovered to the level they think it should? When this happens, they think it’s the doctor’s problem and believe the surgery failed. Many patients become impulsive and irritable, complaining about and becoming hostile toward doctors.”

“So precise ophthalmic surgery, although having a very high difficulty coefficient, and doctors spending enormous effort and doing everything technically possible, is instead very prone to patient misunderstanding. Because patients lack a medical professional background, you can’t try to convince patients you’ve fulfilled your responsibilities by arguing technical flawlessness. As long as patients’ vision hasn’t recovered well, they think you didn’t perform the surgery well.”

Yan Ming sighed lightly: “Over all these years, I’ve encountered too many such situations. Many colleagues around me, because they’ve faced patients’ inability to understand and misunderstandings, have become conservative. Some high-risk cases, some cases with emotionally unstable patients – they’re no longer willing to take on surgical consultations. This is also understandable as self-protection, but I don’t want to become that kind of doctor.”

“Before Xiao Ling found me, her father had already taken her to several hospitals in their local area, and all had gently advised her father to give up treatment. Because the surgical fees would be a huge burden for a family like theirs, and the child would be after surgery was also unpredictable. I was the only one who advised him that he didn’t need to give up treatment.”

Yan Ming lowered his gaze, as if confiding, and also as if speaking to himself: “Because I was willing to try. The child was still so young – I wanted to fight for a hope.”

He paused before continuing: “All these years, I’ve practiced this principle. I never felt I was doing anything wrong.”

In Yu Tian’s impression, Yan Ming had always been calm, rational, and strong. However, at this moment, there was some wavering and bitterness that he was trying hard to suppress in his expression.

“But now Xiao Ling’s situation is making me suddenly start to doubt myself. If I hadn’t insisted on persuading the family not to give up treatment, would Xiao Ling not have had to suffer for these additional years? After surgery, she still quickly developed metastasis and couldn’t live happily like a normal child. At the same time, because one eyeball was removed and fitted with a prosthetic eye, she was mocked, excluded, and laughed at by children her age. And her father, because he had to care for the child, became financially strapped and lived very hard.”

“Although I applied for our hospital’s charity fund project at that time and waived most of their surgical fees, the post-operative care and subsequent costs of raising the child all pressed on them like heavy mountains.”

Yan Ming said this while glancing at Yu Tian and taking a deep breath: “Actually, when Xiao Ling’s father met me, he was already very conflicted inside and thinking about giving up treatment. Her family relatives also advised her father to give up this sick child. After the child was gone, he could find another woman to remarry and have a healthy child, getting life back on track. If I hadn’t taken the case then, he probably wouldn’t have persisted either.”

“So I keep thinking, was I wrong?”

Yan Ming’s smile was somewhat bitter: “Perhaps always advising patients not to give up treatment doesn’t necessarily make one a good doctor.”

“For patients like Xiao Ling, although I extended her survival time, was she really happy? Did she get a high quality of life? Was her father happy because the child’s life was extended by several years? Or would he instead suffer doubly and feel more reluctant to let go because of the additional years of companionship when the child is no longer there?”

Doctors were accustomed to seeing life and death, but that didn’t mean they became numb and indifferent to it. Every patient’s departure was full of regret for doctors and made them constantly reflect on the meaning of their profession and the right or wrong of treatment plans.

“And I currently have another patient almost identical to Xiao Ling. The child is two years old, from an impoverished family, both parents are disabled, and they haven’t even secured money for surgery yet. The hospital’s available assistance funds for this year have long been exhausted. I originally never hesitated and always encouraged parents not to give up treatment, but now…”

Yan Ming didn’t continue his remaining words, but Yu Tian already understood everything.

Doctors are human, not gods. Doctors also cannot predict and ensure patients’ post-operative recovery situations, cannot estimate the final course of disease development. Yan Ming would also be afraid, worried that this child with circumstances similar to Xiao Ling would ultimately experience the same fate as Xiao Ling.

For the first time, Yu Tian felt so closely the dilemma doctors faced.

Before, she had always felt that someone like Yan Ming, who was professionally excellent to an abnormal degree, wouldn’t be confused or hesitant about his career. However, at this moment, Yu Tian felt Yan Ming’s genuine inner feelings.

So he could also hesitate and retreat.

However, this didn’t make Yan Ming’s image smaller in Yu Tian’s heart. If originally Yan Ming, as a doctor, existed like a giant statue in Yu Tian’s mind, then now he had finally returned to his original appearance and size, becoming like an approachable, knowable normal human being, more flesh and blood, and making her want to explore further and get closer.

She didn’t have Yan Ming’s long clinical experience or his knowledge. She was just a student who had recently graduated from medical school. Yu Tian couldn’t answer Yan Ming’s questions.

But Yu Tian had a simpler, more direct method.

She searched for a long time and found a one-yuan coin in her pocket.

“Let’s flip a coin. If it lands heads up, you hit me hard.”

Yu Tian said this while lightly tossing the coin. Very cooperatively, when she opened her hand, the coin was indeed heads up.

So she looked at Yan Ming: “Hit me.”

But Yan Ming’s eyes clearly showed refusal beyond his initial surprise: “Yu Tian, you’re being too reckless. What is this about?”

Then came Yan Ming’s confusion about Yu Tian suddenly steering the topic to coin flipping.

But Yu Tian was confident: “When facing difficult choices, people’s hearts usually already have a tendency. Sometimes the person caught in confusion might constantly ask others’ opinions and listen to others’ analyses, but actually, what they want to hear more is answers consistent with their inner tendencies. If everyone had advised you to give up treatment for Xiao Ling back then, do you think you would have given up?”

Yu Tian looked at Yan Ming: “You see, flipping a coin is a process of facing oneself. Although it was a heads-up just now, you don’t want to hit me in your heart, so you refuse to follow this rule.”

“So if on the question of whether to save Xiao Ling, you had chosen to flip a coin back then – heads up means don’t give up treatment and go all out to save her; tails up means gently suggest giving up treatment – then when you flipped the coin and it came up tails, do you think you could follow this decision as ‘heaven’s will’?”

Yu Tian’s eyes were bright: “You wouldn’t, because your heart told you that you wanted to fight for a possibility for Xiao Ling’s future. You wanted to give your all rather than easily give up such a vibrant life. So why not follow your own heart?”

“Moreover, no one can decide for others whether they’re worth living, or judge whether they’re living in pain. The value of life cannot be measured so simply. If lives with illness or defects aren’t worth living and should be abandoned to avoid more pain, then by this logic, should impoverished, incapable lives also be eliminated? As long as you subjectively judge that impoverished, incapable people live painfully and meaninglessly, does this become a legitimate reason to abandon these vulnerable groups?”

“But if everyone thought this way, what kind of life would be worth persisting with treatment? Facing the same disease, young college students’ post-operative recovery situations are probably stronger than elderly people. So, in situations with limited medical resources, should elderly people be reasonably sacrificed to preserve young people?”

Yu Tian looked into Yan Ming’s eyes: “We have an old saying: ‘You are not a fish, how can you know the joy of fish?’ Have you considered that you’re not the person involved – how could you fairly judge the value of others’ lives or lives?”

“You think Xiao Ling and her father are both in pain, but they’ve also spent many brief moments of happiness that could never be repeated in this lifetime, like sparkling fireworks in cold winter. People can’t set off fireworks to celebrate every day, but everyone carefully stores these firework moments and turns them into strength for next year’s efforts.”

“Most of life is mundane, but even with just brief warmth, happiness, and sweetness, people can rely on these bits of sweet and warm memories, repeatedly savoring them during pain and numbness, using them to break through and chase tomorrow.”

Yu Tian couldn’t help but smile: “So don’t you think humans are very romantic? And very strong?”

“I know that conventionally speaking, children like Xiao Ling, even if they have surgery and have to remove an eyeball, would face more difficulties than healthy children in the future, even without other problems, living with one eye. But we can’t directly deprive her of possibilities just because we subjectively think the child’s future life will be difficult.”

“Do you know my favorite line from Gu Cheng’s poetry? ‘To avoid endings, you avoid all beginnings.’ I’ve always found this line very enlightening. If, because of fear that Xiao Ling would still relapse after surgery, Xiao Ling’s father would endure hardships and then bear even greater pain when Xiao Ling passes away, treatment for Xiao Ling is directly abandoned, isn’t that choking on food and giving up eating?”

“Didn’t the famous Southern Song physician Zhang Gao say? ‘As a doctor, one must eliminate the heart that chases fame and profit, focusing only on the will to rescue and aid.’ The original intention of doctors is to help patients, regardless of fame or profit. In the process of treating Xiao Ling, you had no operational errors, nothing technically requiring self-blame, didn’t care about how Xiao Ling’s surgical failure might affect your reputation, and didn’t want to gain any fame through treating Xiao Ling. Then you have a clear conscience.”

“Xiao Ling didn’t give up in her struggle against illness, which is why she could persist until meeting you. I firmly believe that doctors and their patients have some kind of destined connection. You both didn’t give up, which created the possibility for her to live until now.”

Yu Tian said seriously, “Do your best and leave the rest to fate. Doctors just need to do what they should do.”

“If you look ahead and behind, you’ll stop moving forward.”

“Everyone’s fate is different. Xiao Ling might not have been so lucky, but this little patient you’re encountering now might be a lucky one. Never question the principles you’ve always adhered to because of one failure. For any patient, you should still give your all.”

In Yan Ming’s impression, Yu Tian was always lively and spirited. However, she was different at this moment. The girl’s fair face showed a serious expression, and her bright black eyes seemed to carry their light.

She was like a star that didn’t need any light reflection to have its brightness, illuminating others.

Yan Ming suddenly wasn’t so confused anymore.

He smiled a little. Yes, if you look ahead and behind, you’ll stop moving forward. Rather than spending time regretting these unchangeable things, it’s better to use energy to treat more patients.

Life is equal. The life value of healthy, normal people and the life value of patients carry the same weight. Under the premise that current medical techniques can still treat them, there’s no way to make distinctions about whether treatment should be abandoned.

Doctors aren’t gods and aren’t responsible for screening who should receive treatment. Even people who are worldly, evil, or good are the same identity in doctors’ eyes – all patients.

Doctors aren’t immortals and can’t make all patients recover, but they must do their utmost, using everything they’ve learned in their lives, trying hard to grasp each patient’s hand. Like their original intention when choosing to become doctors, they must be worthy of the white coat they wear, worthy of this profession, worthy of patients’ earnest hopes, and firmly practice the Hippocratic Oath.

They must also learn to accept – accept some powerlessness and regret, but not let these helpless feelings become fog that obstructs moving forward.

The path to becoming a doctor is full of thorns, filled with setbacks, hardship, misunderstanding, pressure, confusion, self-doubt, and sleeplessness. However, one must still walk forward firmly.