Tell Me, What Makes You Feel Like You’re About to Lose Control Again

Since moving in, this was the first time Sheng Sui woke up alone in bed, facing the excessively spacious house by herself.

No more enticing cooking aromas came from outside the door, nor was there anyone gently pushing the door open to lean down and kiss her forehead, softly asking how she slept last night.

Her subconscious refused to acknowledge the faint loneliness and loss in her heart. Sheng Sui comforted herself – it was just Zhou Shiyu on a business trip, he’d be home in a few days.

They say it’s rare to have alone time after marriage; she should enjoy it properly.

Thinking this way, Sheng Sui forced a smile, got up to give herself an injection, washed up and changed clothes, then went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

She’d lived alone for over twenty years before; there was no reason she couldn’t now—

Her hand froze while opening the refrigerator door. Sheng Sui stared at the fridge packed full of vacuum-sealed food bags and lunch boxes, her just-awakened brain stuttering for a moment.

She picked up the square box closest to the front on the first shelf, seeing a line of strong, powerful black characters written on the note paper on the box.

【Sunday morning main dish: Pork floss sausage rice ball; Carbs: 35g】

As if addicted, she went through the other boxes and food bags on the top shelf one by one, discovering that Zhou Shiyu had already arranged them in chronological order from left to right – all daily breakfasts.

Breakfasts for the coming week were in the refrigerated section, while those for the following Thursday through Saturday were in the adjacent freezer.

The second, third, and fourth levels below contained prepared lunches and dinners, plus pre-cut fruits, each labeled with names and carbohydrate content.

“……”

Sheng Sui knew about Zhou Shiyu staying up almost all night.

After the man had packed his luggage and completely calmed down, he gently told Sheng Sui to sleep first, then turned and left the bedroom, going back to busy himself in the kitchen.

Sheng Sui had tried to stay up with him, but her willpower wasn’t strong enough. Plus Zhou Shiyu had physically “persuaded” her to rest – his nimble fingers working on her twice in succession quickly left her drowsy and falling asleep.

Sleeping until dawn, she didn’t know how late Zhou Shiyu had worked in the kitchen last night.

She didn’t even know when the man had left.

With some resentment toward Zhou Shiyu for leaving without saying goodbye, Sheng Sui was also amazed by the man’s thoughtful care. Especially when she saw the note on the table, she could no longer deny the growing longing in her heart.

【While I’m away from home, eat well—Z】

Sheng Sui had seen Zhou Shiyu’s usual black-gold fountain pen before, but this was the first time she’d carefully looked at his handwriting. She studied it for a long time, her gaze finally stopping at the signature “Z.”

The familiar Z – this time it was Zhou Shiyu’s abbreviated self-reference.

At this moment, Ping’An, who also hadn’t eaten breakfast, came over with his tail raised, affectionately rubbing against Sheng Sui’s ankle with soft meows growing more pleading with each sound.

Sheng Sui bent down, smiling as she picked up the fluffy bundle. After getting food ready for both herself and the cat, she picked up her phone from the table to message Zhou Shiyu.

【Sheng Sui: Let me know when you’ve landed safely.】

Calculating the time, Zhou Shiyu should still be on the plane, so naturally she couldn’t expect an immediate reply.

Eating alone was naturally more efficient. After breakfast, Sheng Sui washed the dishes and left the kitchen, taking her laptop and new picture books to the living room to prepare next week’s lesson plans.

Her newly chosen picture book was called “Dumplings and Tangyuan,” mainly introducing the characteristics and differences between tangyuan and dumplings.

To help students better understand the content, Sheng Sui would prepare teaching aids in advance: for example, preparing dumpling and tangyuan stickers for students to place in corresponding boxes on the teaching materials during class.

She also designed questions like “which one can slide down a slide, dumplings or tangyuan?” to help students further understand that dumplings have “smooth” surfaces while tangyuan have “sticky” surfaces.

The exquisite quality of modern children’s picture books often made Sheng Sui marvel. Curled up on the sofa, she read the picture book with relish. When she saw that the final teaching aid question asked students to connect lines showing what “undressed” tangyuan and dumpling fillings look like, she couldn’t help but smile.

After lunch, not wanting to go out, she was holding Ping’An and debating between reading in the living room or going to the study to enjoy the sunshine when her phone suddenly vibrated.

Sheng Sui looked down to see “Xiao Ming” displayed on the screen.

Unconsciously sighing lightly, she answered: “What’s up?”

“What kind of talk is that? Can’t I call you without something specific?”

The voice was accompanied by car honking sounds. Xiao Ming, who was driving, made a dissatisfied tsk sound: “And what’s with this dejected tone? Don’t I welcome my call?”

Finally having someone to talk to after half the day, Sheng Sui smiled: “Of course not.”

“You better not dare,” Xiao Ming hummed twice before getting to the point. “I’ve officially moved out of my brother’s place! I was too tired yesterday and forgot to tell you – how about it, want to come to my new place for dinner tonight?”

Xiao Ming had mentioned moving once before. Sheng Sui thought she was still house-hunting and didn’t expect her to have already moved.

Thinking that Zhou Shiyu wasn’t home and she’d be bored alone on Sunday anyway, she agreed: “Then I’ll come over and help you clean up while I’m at it.”

“Then I’m really making out like a bandit,” Xiao Ming readily agreed with her usual whirlwind style. “I happen to be driving my brother’s car. Give me an address and I’ll come pick you up now.”

Unable to refuse such enthusiasm, Sheng Sui had just finished giving her neighborhood address when she heard Xiao Ming exclaim: “Good lord, your husband isn’t just ordinarily wealthy. Over 500,000 per square meter – one square meter equals two years of my salary and bonuses.”

“Oh right, since you’re coming to my place for dinner anyway, why not just stay the night? It’s been so long since we had a good chat. Your husband wouldn’t be that petty, would he?”

After listening to her chatter, Sheng Sui only addressed the last part: “He’s on a business trip, but there’s a cat at home. I’m not comfortable leaving him alone overnight.”

“Too bad I’m allergic to cat fur,” Xiao Ming, who had no way with cats, sighed heavily. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. Get ready.”

“Okay.”

Xiao Ming’s suggestion to stay overnight was indeed tempting, but Sheng Sui wasn’t comfortable leaving Ping’An alone. After putting sufficient food and water in the cat’s bowls and confirming the security cameras were running normally, she changed clothes and went out early.

On the drive to the new home, Xiao Ming probably realized her friend’s husband had a special status and only talked about her house-hunting struggles, absolutely avoiding prying into other matters.

Sheng Sui knew that Xiao Ming only seemed carefree on the surface but was actually very tactful.

Their close friendship began during a break in their first year of high school.

Because boys around them were roughhousing, Sheng Sui’s desk was bumped and a bag containing needles and bloody test strips fell from her backpack, landing right at Xiao Ming’s feet.

Afraid the other girl would be scared, Sheng Sui quickly took her to the end of the hallway during break to explain. Watching Xiao Ming’s expression change from initial worry to calm, and finally grin, saying that if she ever needed any help in the future, she could always ask.

No excessive care or pity, but treating her like a normal person – unconsciously the greatest kindness toward Sheng Sui.

“…I’m telling you, this time I specifically looked for a big bedroom and spent big money on a big bed. It’ll be no problem sleeping both of us…”

In Xiao Ming’s excited chatter, they arrived home. Sheng Sui stood in the living room looking around, warmly observing the new place that had better space and environment than their previous rental, feeling genuinely happy for Xiao Ming.

“Come in and have tea first,” Xiao Ming quickly brought over a cup of warm chrysanthemum tea, looking every bit the enthusiastic host. “I also made milk pudding last night with sugar substitute. Let me get some for you to try.”

Sheng Sui smiled and said thank you.

Afternoon warm sunlight streamed through the balcony’s floor-to-ceiling windows, falling in large slanted patches that felt wonderfully warm against the body.

Sheng Sui contentedly squinted her eyes. When she got up to go to the living room balcony to look at the neighborhood greenery, her phone vibrated again in her pocket.

—This time it was Zhou Shiyu calling.

“Just landed and got off the plane. After someone picks me up, I’ll go to the hotel.”

Whether because of the noisy background voices, Sheng Sui keenly felt that Zhou Shiyu’s tone today was slightly higher than usual, and his speech was faster: “The drive will take about one to two hours. They have a private car for pickup.”

“Mm, good,” hearing that he’d landed safely and would at least be staying at a hotel, Sheng Sui finally relaxed. “Did you not sleep much last night? If you’re not in a hurry, rest at the hotel first. Your body won’t be able to take it.”

Remembering how the man’s lips had turned slightly pale after staying up late last time, Sheng Sui couldn’t help adding: “There’s always time to make money – it won’t run away just because you sleep.”

After her words, a magnetic low chuckle came from the receiver, the resonating deep tone making her ears burn.

“Alright, I’ll listen to you.”

Zhou Shiyu answered obediently, naturally asking about her life in detail: “How did you sleep last night? Did you eat breakfast and lunch properly? I left some food in the refrigerator.”

“I saw it,” recalling the refrigerator full of food, Sheng Sui’s heart inevitably softened. “Thank you, I really like it.”

“Good that you like it. There are prepared drink powders on the second shelf of the storage cabinet – sleep aid on the left, blood tonic on the right. Remember to make a cup before bed. At the very bottom of the freezer, there are leftover quinoa buns and shumai from before. When you get tired of rice, you can steam those too…”

In her memory, this was the first time Sheng Sui had heard Zhou Shiyu speak so continuously, even instructing her on the most trivial matters like eating more fruit and remembering to exercise after meals.

Thinking about their almost “a child traveling a thousand miles worries the mother” level of concern for each other, Sheng Sui’s smile deepened as she patiently waited for Zhou Shiyu to finish his instructions and obediently agreed to everything.

Accustomed to the other party doing much and saying little, Sheng Sui rarely saw the man so talkative. Even through the phone, she couldn’t help being infected by his mood and laughed softly:

“Zhou Shiyu, you sound like you’re in a really good mood today.”

“……”

Probably due to signal issues, after her words there was a long silence on the other end.

“…Not bad.”

Nearly ten seconds later, Zhou Shiyu finally responded, his voice returning to the familiar low, gentle tone, though it sounded somewhat unnatural: “You mentioned eating at your friend’s place. Did you bring your medication?”

“I did,” after the experience of accompanying Xu Yanze at the hospital last time, Sheng Sui now carried both long and short-acting insulin pens whenever she went out. “But I probably won’t stay overnight. I’m not comfortable leaving Ping’An alone at home.”

“If you want to stay and have fun, do so,” Zhou Shiyu offered another solution. “Secretary Chen will go to the house to pick up Ping’An. Your matters come first.”

Sheng Sui, who hadn’t wanted to spend the night alone anyway, was immediately convinced, making one last struggle: “Do I need to give him the keys?”

“No need, he has house keys.”

While listening to Zhou Shiyu speak, Sheng Sui heard a familiar lazy male voice in the background: “Zhou Shiyu, what are you standing around for? I’ve been calling you several times.”

“Using a white phone, now I know who it is.”

The lazy voice came from far to near, introducing himself first: “Teacher Sheng, I’m Liang Xubai, the one who gave you the snapdragons at the flower shop last time.”

“Hello, Mr. Liang.”

“Zhou Shiyu mentioned that you’ve been taking good care of the flowers,” in the bustling airport, Liang Xubai’s intimate gesture of hooking his arm around Zhou Shiyu’s neck drew quite a few onlookers, but the man seemed oblivious as he continued speaking into the phone.

“I hope next time we meet, I’ll have the honor of seeing them bloom.”

“They definitely will.”

Sheng Sui’s words carried faint amusement as she casually asked: “Are you also here on business, Mr. Liang? I thought you’d still be busy with the flower shop.”

Liang Xubai raised an eyebrow, pretending to sigh helplessly: “The person who wants to buy flowers hasn’t been going out recently, so keeping the flower shop open is pointless.”

He looked at Zhou Shiyu beside him with his peach blossom eyes, scrutinizing him from top to bottom with an ambiguous smile: “Don’t worry, Teacher Sheng. While Zhou Shiyu isn’t home, I’ll help you keep a good eye on him.”

The man’s gaze wandered and finally stopped at Zhou Shiyu’s left wrist, which was tightly wrapped by his watch, lazily adding:

“The whole and complete kind.”

Hearing this, Zhou Shiyu looked up. Their eyes met, his dark pupils behind the glasses unfathomable, reflecting Liang Xubai’s current smiling expression.

“…Then thank you, Mr. Liang.”

Obviously not understanding the meaning in Liang Xubai’s words, Sheng Sui heard Xiao Ming calling her to try the dessert, so the call ended hastily.

After Zhou Shiyu hung up and looked up, he saw Liang Xubai’s frivolous peach blossom eyes staring at the white phone in his hand, casually snapping his fingers.

The man’s devilishly handsome smile was very punchable, but his words hit the nail on the head: “If I’m not mistaken, you prepared this white phone specifically for Teacher Sheng?”

They were taking the VIP-only passage, where staff had already retrieved their luggage and were waiting respectfully to escort them to the hotel.

Zhou Shiyu headed toward the VIP passage without looking back, coldly dropping a line:

“Liang Xubai, mind your own business.”

“If your hand hadn’t been shaking on the plane, your words might have some persuasive power.”

Liang Xubai maintained his lazy, uninterested-in-everything demeanor, hands in pockets, nonchalantly sneering:

“Relapse, or relapse tendency.”

“……”

Zhou Shiyu ignored him and got into the car heading to the hotel with Liang Xubai. During the journey, he called Secretary Chen to tell him to pick up Ping’An tonight.

“Understood,” Secretary Chen was reliable as always. After agreeing, he paused for a few seconds, his tone somewhat cautious: “Mr. Zhou, according to your agreement with the old master, you need to report your safety to me three times daily this week.”

From his peripheral vision, Liang Xubai looked tired and boneless as he slouched in the sofa, listlessly looking out the window with drooping eyes.

Zhou Shiyu looked away. His brain, which hadn’t slept all night, was extremely excited. Looking down, he saw his left hand no longer showed the slight tremor of somatic reactions.

“I know,” he answered flatly. “For the next week, have Aunt Tian go to the house once every morning. If the food in the refrigerator is running low, have her make another batch according to the recipes I sent.”

“Understood, don’t worry.”

The VIP car had soundproof barriers, so the driver couldn’t hear the phone conversation in the back seat.

The car’s back seat was quiet except for two breathing sounds. Zhou Shiyu removed his gold wire-frame glasses and raised his hand to gently pinch the bridge of his nose, restraining his subjective consciousness from enjoying the current excitement in his cerebral cortex.

Obviously, from just a few words, Sheng Sui had already noticed something abnormal.

He closed his eyes, his lowered voice hoarse: “Did the old man send you?”

“After returning to the country, you escape here every April. A few casual questions to Secretary Chen revealed which flight you were taking.”

Liang Xubai didn’t even lift his eyelids, stretching lazily with his head tilted: “If you’re taking extra medication without authorization, I advise you to speak up early. Think about how long you can hide it from her with your hands shaking like this.”

In the past few years, Zhou Shiyu’s brain had been like a time bomb exploding every spring when it warmed up. After the old master witnessed two bloody scenes, he developed stress reactions.

Since then, he required Zhou Shiyu to report his safety daily during the first half of every April, even sending Secretary Chen to accompany him abroad. Everything else was negotiable – the only requirement was ensuring he stayed alive.

This self-comforting supervision method, Zhou Shiyu had always been too lazy to care about.

He had indeed come this time to handle the Jingbei resort project, and as in previous years, to stay in a hotel for a while.

The white phone vibrated in his pocket. Zhou Shiyu unlocked the screen and opened the message, clicking on the only conversation thread to see a picture from Sheng Sui.

【Sheng Sui: Xiao Ming’s new milk pudding tastes really good. She says the process is very simple. After I learn it, I’ll make it for you when you come back.】

Then she sent another photo.

Round milk puddings sat on a light green porcelain plate, the edges reflecting half of the photographer’s body, unable to hide her graceful figure.

Regarding Sheng Sui’s slender, delicate figure that somehow had plenty of curves in all the right places, Zhou Shiyu knew all too well.

Even he had to stretch out his whole hand with fingers spread to barely encompass her lustrous softness with all five fingers.

Especially recently, after he’d put some thought into her diet, Sheng Sui had gained weight in all areas. Yesterday when he saw her putting on a bra and fastening the back clasp, even the innermost hooks made her overflow, so she had to compromise and move out two rows.

Clicking to exit the enlarged image, Zhou Shiyu felt his temple throb suddenly. He closed his eyes and smiled self-mockingly.

With a brain that could lose control at any moment, he couldn’t even tell whether this was a precursor to an impending episode or uncontrollable desire for her from deep in his heart.

“Your state doesn’t look like a depressive phase, and your condition seems controllable so far.”

Liang Xubai’s voice sounded again beside his ear, rarely lacking its usual frivolous impropriety.

Zhou Shiyu looked up expressionlessly to see the person across from him leaning against the car door, arms crossed, peach blossom eyes sharp: “Tell me, what makes you feel like you’re about to lose control again?”

“Headaches and mental confusion, rapid heartbeat and chest pain, or hand tremors not caused by medication?”

“……”

After an unbearably long silence, Zhou Shiyu recalled his various behaviors over the past few days. His Adam’s apple rolled lightly as he said hoarsely:

“…Increased libido.”

Author’s Note: Sorry for being late today. I haven’t been feeling well lately, but I’ll do my best to maintain daily updates QAQ

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