From: Back to Before My Husband’s Self-Castration (Records of the Bright Moon)
The little fox Wang Daxia had his boat capsized in the gutter – he fell for the trap! This wasn’t fake fainting; he really passed out!
It wasn’t that he wasn’t careful enough, but this household didn’t play by the rules and was extremely impatient.
Based on his experience of being dragged away eight times from the streets, when he went to girls’ homes, they would first serve tea and snacks with excellent hospitality, then indirectly probe whether he was married, about his family members, his hometown, and so on. Then they’d give him a set of silk clothes to change into, deliberately showing off how wealthy and prestigious the girl’s family was – as long as he agreed to become a live-in son-in-law, all the family property would be his in the future.
Because these families who cherished their daughters and didn’t want them to enter the palace usually had decent circumstances, they couldn’t possibly randomly drag any man home to be their son-in-law and wrong their daughters for life.
It’s only because of this special time of imperial selection that our daughter condescends to marry you. Otherwise, you poor boy could never dream of marrying such a good wife in your lifetime!
Such a good opportunity – miss this village and there won’t be another shop. The chance must not be lost.
You won’t agree? Quickly take off those silk clothes, put on your cotton clothes and get lost!
Moving with emotion, explaining with reason, using both soft and hard tactics to coax him into the trap.
Therefore, Wang Daxia thought that cup of tea was just the beginning. He hadn’t expected this household to be so impatient – without even starting to inquire about his background or tempting him with wealth, they directly drugged the tea and knocked him out.
Wang Daxia’s body felt as if all strength had been drained by that cup of tea. Unable to resist, his mind became confused too, allowing others to manipulate him at will. Reality seemed separated by a layer of fogged glass, hazy and dreamlike.
When the man handed over the marriage contract, Wang Daxia was initially startled, then a familiar scene appeared in his mind – he was drunk in a tavern, the owner handed him the account book, and he wrote his father’s name “Wang Boda,” telling the shopkeeper to go to the Wang residence for payment.
This kind of thing happened so often that writing his father’s name had become muscle memory. When losing consciousness, give him a pen and he would naturally write “Wang Boda.”
Why was this family so monkey-urgent? Directly drugging the prospective son-in-law unconscious, cooking the raw rice into cooked rice first?
Giving away a wife for free – this kind of forced matchmaking wasn’t a “good thing” that just any peddler or laborer could encounter.
Wang Daxia, disguised as a poor boy, perfectly matched the preferences of matchmaking families with his looks and temperament. Plus, rumors were wildly spreading in the marketplace that Embroidered Uniform Guard agents were disguising themselves as poor boys to deliberately lure families into pulling them as live-in son-in-laws, then the agents would jump out to stop it. The result was that daughters weren’t married off, but families had to pay fines and compensation. That very night, minor fire-tenders and old eunuchs from the Ceremonial Directorate would come to personally inspect. If they felt the daughter met selection criteria, she’d be sent to various government offices to prepare for preliminary selection.
This made this household extremely anxious. Poor boys from the countryside who farmed and idle market loafers didn’t meet his standards – he felt they weren’t worthy of his daughter. Being picky and choosy, he delayed for some time. Learning that the investigating eunuchs from the Ceremonial Directorate could come to inspect his precious daughter at any moment, and his daughter was quite beautiful and healthy, she would definitely be selected!
The father was greatly alarmed. Just then the matchmaker brought the newly kidnapped Wang Daxia over. One look showed he was a refined, down-and-out young scholar from a scholarly family. The father took an immediate liking – it was him!
Worried about the selection eunuchs coming to the door, the father resorted to this desperate measure, knocking out Wang Daxia with one cup of tea, writing the marriage contract, pressing his handprint, immediate bridal chamber!
According to the original plan, when Wang Daxia entered the house and confirmed the other party was forcibly seizing a good young man, he would immediately fire a signal into the air. Lu Ying and others would burst in to stop it, fining those who should be fined, arresting those who should be arrested, deterring the locals from snatching men from the streets anymore.
Making an example to warn others – this would make some families wanting to follow suit give up their ideas and wait for the selection.
Wang Daxia fell for the trap and couldn’t send the signal. His whole person felt like floating on clouds, being supported by several servants to a hastily arranged bridal chamber for bathing and changing clothes, putting on wedding attire with a large red flower hanging on his chest.
“Hehe.” Wang Daxia smiled foolishly at the groom in the mirror. I finally married Wei Caiwei – today is our wedding day!
“Where is my wife?” Wang Daxia asked.
The servant covered his mouth laughing: “Waiting for young master in the bridal chamber. Young master, please follow me.”
Wang Daxia was supported to the bridal chamber. The servant pointed to a woman sitting at the head of the bed wearing a phoenix crown, holding a round fan to cover her face: “This is the bride.”
“Wife.” Wang Daxia pushed away the servant and walked toward the bridal chamber. “Sorry I’m late. People outside kept blocking my way to toast me. You must have waited long.”
Seeing the new son-in-law so cooperative, the servant smiled and closed the door.
The bride moved away the fan covering her face. In his daze, the bride before his eyes was Wei Caiwei from his countless spring dreams.
“You are my husband?” the bride asked. She looked him up and down and nodded with satisfaction. “Not bad looking.”
Wang Daxia chuckled: “I’m not just good-looking. The parts you haven’t seen are even better. If you don’t believe me, look…”
With that, Wang Daxia began loosening his clothes.
“Wait.” The bride stopped him and asked: “Do you like fireworks?”
Wang Daxia: “If you like them, I like them.”
The bride said: “I love watching fireworks most. I’ve always thought that when I get married, I must set off fireworks until midnight and watch my fill. But now the situation is special and the wedding is too rushed, so we can’t set them off.”
Wang Daxia said: “Why can’t we? If you like watching fireworks, I’ll set them off for you to watch your fill.”
The bride pointed at the light outside the window: “It’s not even dark yet. Even if we set them off, we can’t see them. It’s like throwing flirtatious glances at a blind man – no point.”
Wang Daxia said: “Let’s pull the curtains and set them off inside the room.”
“Good idea!” The bride nimbly used a bamboo pole to pull the curtains. Only a pair of dragon and phoenix wedding candles remained lit in the room. The bride took out her collection of fireworks: “This kind of firework is called ‘ground mouse.’ It doesn’t need to fly into the sky – light it and it spins around on the ground. This is a flower tube – hold it and it shoots out fireworks with a hissing sound. Just remember not to spray it at people…”
The bride showed off her secretly collected fireworks. Wang Daxia took an incense stick and lit ten ground mice in one breath. Round fire balls scurried wildly on the ground, releasing dazzling fireworks. The bride laughed while lifting her skirt to climb onto the table to avoid being splashed by the fireworks from the ground mice.
The bride clapped and laughed loudly: “So beautiful! Not enough – set off more, the more the better!”
Seeing his wife happy made Wang Daxia even happier. Caiwei’s laughter was the best reward for him.
He stepped on a small stool and lit all the ground mice in the box!
The floor was full of ground mice spewing fireworks and charging about wildly. The floor at this moment was like a starry night sky with twinkling starlight, stars crowded together whispering secretly, flickering on and off, sparkling brightly.
Meanwhile, outside the mansion, Lu Ying, dressed as a commoner, anxiously took out a Western pocket watch to check the time.
This was already the third time she’d looked at her watch. “Something’s wrong. Previously Wang Daxia would release a signal in about five minutes. This time three five-minute periods have passed and there’s still no movement.”
Wu Xiaoqi said: “Could it be that this family is more reserved, beating around the bush, and hasn’t spoken directly yet?”
Lu Ying’s intuition told her something was wrong. “We’re not waiting anymore. Let’s charge in. Wang Daxia’s safety is important – we can’t let him really sell his body.”
At Lu Ying’s command, the Embroidered Uniform Guard agents filed in. When they controlled the family head and learned Wang Daxia had already been sent to the bridal chamber, Lu Ying was extremely anxious and kicked open the bridal chamber door.
A strong smell of gunpowder hit them in the face.
Lu Ying quickly shouted: “Retreat! There’s an ambush!”
However, there was no ambush. After retreating, Lu Ying looked in from the main door. A pair of newlyweds in wedding attire were holding flower tubes setting off fireworks, and ground mice shooting fireworks were scurrying around wildly on the bridal chamber floor.
Wang Daxia seemed drunk, holding a flower tube and spraying randomly. The fireworks had ignited the bed curtains, which were already half burned, but he remained completely oblivious. The bride was only focused on playing with fireworks and didn’t look back at all.
“What are you standing around for? Hurry and put out the fire!” Lu Ying called out.
Lu Ying was the first to rush in and pull out the confused Wang Daxia who was trapped in hallucinations. The family head carried out his precious daughter: “I wanted you to have a bridal chamber and you play with fireworks! You nearly caused a disaster!”
In the bridal chamber you should play with the groom! Your father picked such a handsome groom for you – cook the raw rice and you won’t be a virgin anymore, so you won’t need to go for selection.
Not only was the bride not afraid, she giggled: “The groom isn’t as fun as fireworks. I just love playing with fireworks.”
At these words, except for Wang Daxia who was carried away for treatment, everyone in the courtyard fell silent.
This girl… was different from others.
The family head said mournfully to Lu Ying: “Military officer, it’s not that I deliberately deceived the court. It’s just that this daughter of mine has been spoiled by me since childhood into this kind of simple-minded, clueless silly big sister. She lost her mother young, and I was afraid she’d be mistreated by a stepmother, so I never remarried. I don’t know how to raise a daughter or teach her to become a proper lady. I thought when she turned eighteen, I’d find her an honest, obedient live-in son-in-law to live with, so she wouldn’t have to marry into her husband’s family and look at her mother-in-law’s face or make a living in someone else’s house.”
“With my daughter’s personality, she doesn’t know how to serve others and simply isn’t palace material. She doesn’t understand anything and is like a blank sheet of paper who dares to say anything. If she enters the palace, won’t she offend all the nobles? She’d probably be eliminated in the preliminary selection.”
Lu Ying also felt the family head made sense. Everyone in the palace had exquisitely clever hearts with as many schemes as honeycomb holes. This girl looked decent, but in a palace full of beautiful women, she’d only be above average at best – hardly a breathtakingly stunning beauty.
Lu Ying said: “We only ensure that girls of appropriate age are sent for selection. Who gets selected and who gets eliminated isn’t our concern. From preliminary selection to being designated as selected beauties from Baoding Prefecture to enter the palace for reselection, they must pass several stages. What are you anxious about? Maybe she’ll be sent back tomorrow.”
Lu Ying felt this girl had absolutely no chance.
That day, the girl was sent to the Baoding Prefecture government office. When the girl was leaving, her old father tearfully packed her luggage.
The girl had an easygoing personality and comforted her father with a smile: “Daughter is just going through the motions – I’ll go and come right back. Pack up those remaining fireworks for me. I want to play with them when I return.”
The old father cried: “If you get eliminated and sent home, I’ll buy you a cartload of fireworks to celebrate.”
“It’s a deal!” The girl extended her little finger. “Come, let’s pinky swear – no taking it back.”
Two little fingers hooked together: “Pinky swear, hang yourself, don’t change for a hundred years!”
At the Baoding Prefecture government office, the first batch of participating girls had already assembled for preliminary selection. Court-sent palace physicians were screening them, first eliminating girls with disproportionate figures or apparent hidden ailments.
Wei Caiwei happened to be assigned to Baoding Prefecture.
But first she had to treat a familiar person – the confused Wang Daxia.
She determined Wang Daxia had been drugged with something like jimsonweed that caused hallucinations. She prepared medicine to treat him, and he only woke up the next morning.
“You’re awake.” Wei Caiwei said: “Get up and walk a few steps to see if you feel any discomfort.”
But Wang Daxia thought he was still in that spring dream of having a bridal chamber with Wei Caiwei. He pulled Wei Caiwei onto the bed and leaned down to kiss her: “Wife, life is short. We’ve set off fireworks for half the night – shouldn’t we rest now?”
Author’s Note: Wang Daxia: This spring dream is really long.
Caiwei: I see you don’t know that castration approaches!