Cheng Xia said, “You’re different. You’ve already escaped from that environment.”

I shook my head. “There’s nothing different.”

“My mom could sleep with someone for a pretty dress back then. To make my projects succeed, I don’t have any bottom line either.” I thought of that night I lingered at Old Feng’s home. What made me hesitate wasn’t dignity.

It was the moon living in my heart.

“And my dad has never amounted to much in his life. He sees rich people and rushes over to bow and scrape, then comes back boasting about his connections.” I said, “When I was little, I really looked down on him. But do you know what they called me in Africa? Grand Eunuch. Because with one look from leadership, I’d have everything arranged in advance, wishing I could prostrate myself on the ground so the leader’s leather shoes wouldn’t get muddy.”

I laughed. “Who’s to say I didn’t inherit that from my dad?”

Cheng Xia didn’t laugh along. He looked at me quietly.

I really wanted to be Cheng Xia. I desperately wanted to become Cheng Xia.

He was the same with everyone. When he was in school, he could chat and laugh with his advisor like they were buddies. Later when his leader didn’t like him, he never worried about how to please them—straightforward, neither servile nor overbearing. He had no “affected friendliness” toward the workers he supervised either, just natural politeness and sincerity.

But I couldn’t do that. I’d secretly tried to imitate him, but I felt like I didn’t even know how to speak anymore.

My parents had imprinted their cowardice in the deepest part of my bloodline. It wasn’t their fault, because this was the survival rule for people at the bottom.

I looked at Cheng Xia. In that ugly scene of tearing and struggling at the market, his bewildered and helpless face stabbed me like a needle.

“Including what you said you liked—that vitality or whatever—that’s just desperately clinging to consciousness because I can’t afford to die. I’m no different from the people in that market.”

“So Cheng Xia, when you said you wanted to be with me, are you regretting it now?”

Cheng Xia shook his head. His face was covered by a fuzzy scarf, leaving only his eyes visible, bright as cold stars.

“You will regret it.” I said, “The most realistic problem is, I can never truly abandon them, especially my mom.”

My mom treated me like her karmic creditor.

But from the day she divorced, she sent me six hundred yuan in child support every month. Six hundred wasn’t much, but her stall only earned a bit over a thousand per month.

My dad wasn’t a good person, but back then the money for me to go to S City was given by him. The asset certification for going abroad was scraped together by him. He wanted me to do well. Even though he knew I didn’t want to support him, he still wanted me to do well.

I, this carp, was destined to leap over the dragon gate while dragging long chains.

That was fine.

But after being with me, what Cheng Xia would have to face was: a mother beaten to the ground covered in blood, greedy and philistine father and stepmother, and my garbage-collecting grandmother. Honestly, the old lady wasn’t easy to get along with.

He was the moon. It was enough for the moon to gaze down upon the mortal world from on high.

How could the moon roll around in earthly dust?

Cheng Xia still hadn’t spoken. I sighed, helped him tie his scarf properly, and said, “Go home. Remember to apply medicine.”

The New Year’s fireworks had already burned out. I walked back to the hotel stepping on a thick layer of firecracker debris.

Grandma and my dad had gone to the countryside to visit relatives, incidentally showing off that her granddaughter had made something of herself.

I had firmly refused to go then, saying I had to eat at my mom’s house.

At that moment there was no one in the room. I took a shower, lay in bed without any sleepiness, and started playing on my phone.

The sky gradually turned fish-belly white. The entire room was enveloped in warm yellow light.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

It was Cheng Xia. In the orange morning sun, his features looked dreamlike.

He said, “Let’s go. I’m giving you a New Year’s gift.”

…When I went downstairs with him, I thought I’d see a whole car full of roses or balloons or something. Isn’t that how TV shows do it?

…I absolutely never imagined that five hours later.

I would be standing at Shanghai Disneyland.

“You’re in a bad mood. I don’t know what to do to make you feel better, but I think being in a bad mood at Disneyland will be better than holing up in a hotel.” Cheng Xia said to me.

“Tell me the truth—exactly how much money did you spend!” I asked for the hundredth time.

New Year, buying plane tickets last minute, buffs stacked to the max—it must be a astronomical price I didn’t dare hear.

“A price I can afford. Buying your happiness is worth it.” Cheng Xia shrugged, still not answering.

“So exactly how much was it!”

“Let’s go. I heard this is the happiest place in the world.” He pulled me inside.

…It really was very happy. Everyone was smiling. Girls in beautiful dresses took photos. Boys lined up to take pictures with Jedi Knights. Children screamed as they ran around, holding Mickey Mouse head ice cream.

Just like a dream.

I said quietly, “But Grandma is coming back from the countryside tomorrow.”

“There’s a flight tonight. I guarantee we’ll be home before Grandma returns.” Cheng Xia said, “In the meantime, enjoy yourself.”

No, was he crazy or was I crazy…

One moment I was in the Northeast with its residual snow everywhere and dark clouds bearing down, the next moment… I was in a fairy tale.

I had two coverless fairy tale books that Grandma had pulled from a garbage bin.

In them, Cinderella would have beautiful dresses to wear, desperate Snow White would meet kind dwarves, and the good little tailor would own a donkey that spit out gold coins.

Even when I couldn’t fully read yet, I already felt sad. I dimly sensed this was fake.

I was very kind and lived very bitterly, but no birds would sing around me. When I stretched out my chapped little hands to pick up aluminum cans from muddy water, no fairy godmother would come help me.

But now those peach, tender yellow, and powder blue little houses, and princesses with magnificent skirts all appeared before my eyes. I had entered this soft, dreamlike world.

Cheng Xia and I didn’t go on any rides.

First, because there were too many people in line.

Second, because he was afraid of heights.

We just strolled slowly here. He explained Disney’s design ingenuity—this was a petal-shaped layout, this was spatial separation method. Occasionally a little girl in a princess dress would bump into me, but she wouldn’t cry. She’d just get up dazed and rush off to play the next attraction.

That day in my memory was golden. All the scenes were placed in a box filled with fine golden sand, carrying a dreamy, soft glow.

Cheng Xia was right. In a place like this, it was hard not to be happy. In fact, this was the most joyful and relaxed day in my memory.

Later we left early and ate at a private kitchen in an old Shanghai mansion, enjoying plump and sweet eel and black truffle sea urchin braised rice. At the end of our itinerary, we took a taxi to the very remote Shanghai Poly Grand Theatre.

This was a design work by Cheng Xia’s favorite designer, Tadao Ando.

“Tadao Ando is a master of using light. Look, he isolates everything seamlessly behind walls, then releases light through the gaps.” Cheng Xia was like this—when talking about works he loved, he became especially excited. “He captures light.”

“Impressive!” I said. Actually, I just thought it looked like a large translucent brick.

We sat on the steps outside the Poly Grand Theatre. It was extremely quiet here, as if we were the only two people left in the world.

Cheng Xia suddenly said, “You’re right. I really am not suitable for you.”

“When I was studying, I always thought I was amazing. But when truly facing reality, I was nothing.” He said, “When my mother died was the first time I perceived my weakness. Yesterday was the second time.”

I said, “No, you protected me. Besides, this had nothing to do with you in the first place.”

Cheng Xia said, “Of course it does, because I want to be with you.”

I froze.

“I didn’t answer yesterday because I was thinking about what I could give you.” He smiled self-mockingly. “I’m selfish and weak, not the kind of partner who can fight alongside you. What can I give you?”

It was a moonless night, the cold wind bitter. Cheng Xia’s confession was remarkably similar to a business negotiation.

“I can bear your family, as well as your inferiority complex and insecurity. You can boldly do what you want to do. Whether leaping over the dragon gate or making mistakes, I’ll be your support, catching you when you fall.”

He took out a prepared kraft paper bag from his backpack and handed it to me.

“What is this?”

“My salary and bonuses are on this card. The password is inside too. The savings, properties, and stocks my grandfather left me are all here. Two buildings in Shanghai—I can take you to see them.”

My shock was beyond measure. “Cheng Xia, are you crazy? Take it back.”

I pushed the kraft paper bag back. He didn’t take it, and it just fell to the ground.

In the soft light and shadow of the building, he looked at me quietly and said, “I just want you to stay by my side.”

There was an almost insane obsession in his eyes that made me feel very strange.

I took a step back.

At that moment, I recalled what Dad Cheng had said to me:

“All these years, Cheng Xia never had feelings for you, and suddenly he wants to be with you? Have you thought about why?”

“Most simply, has he ever said he likes you?”

No. Whether last time or this time, all he said was: I want you to stay by my side, I don’t want to be apart from you.

He had never said, I like you.