My name is Zhang Lijuan.

I lied.

But where should I even begin to explain my lies…?

It was probably when I was fourteen years old. Looking at the dire situation at home, I told my parents I didn’t want to go to school anymore.

That year I was in the fourth year of middle school, about to graduate soon.

Although there were quite a few people in the village with middle school diplomas, our family had never produced one.

My academic performance wasn’t particularly good, and my grades weren’t exactly top-notch either.

I actually really wanted to stay in school, but there was an invisible wall standing before my eyes, separating me from the path of education.

My younger brother was nine years younger than me. Since birth, he had a heart condition, and if he didn’t have surgery, he might not even live to adulthood.

He was that wall in my heart.

Many girls in the village had gone out to work. They said they wanted to earn money to buy houses for their brothers’ marriages, but my parents had never brought this up.

Even though they never mentioned it, how could I pretend not to know…?

Even if my brother didn’t need money for a marriage house, our family still needed money for his surgery.

His life was on a countdown… How could I live carefree in school?

That day, after hearing what I said, Father sat in the courtyard smoking a rolled cigarette, wearing his coat, saying nothing. Mother also stood behind him in silence.

I thought they hadn’t heard me, so I stood in the courtyard and stated once more: “Father, Mother, I’m not going to school anymore. I’m going to find work. Liang Wa needs money for surgery, it’s urgent.”

Father’s expression became incomparably heavy for a moment. He took a fierce drag from his rolled cigarette, his eyes having looked at the land for a lifetime, seeming to have long been stained turbid by sand and dust.

Not long after, he spoke: “Juan Wa, everyone… has their own fate.”

At that time I was young and didn’t directly understand what Father meant.

“Juan Wa, you go to your school.” Father said again. “Our family isn’t rich and noble. Liang Wa being reborn into our family… this is his fate.”

“What are you saying…?” My voice trembled at the time, feeling utterly bewildered.

Did Father and Mother mean… they weren’t going to care about Liang Wa anymore?

But the doctor clearly said he could be cured…

“Juan Wa…” Mother wiped the corner of her eyes behind me. “Your father is right… Even if you go out to work, how much could you earn? Five or six hundred a month would already be a lot, but the doctor said Liang Wa’s surgery needs at least over a hundred thousand yuan. Even after treatment, there’s no guarantee he’ll get better… There will be many places that need money afterward. His fate is so bitter…”

The more Mother spoke, the redder her eyes became, and soon she began crying softly: “Liang Wa being born into our family is his bitter fate… This matter can’t make you suffer too.”

Father also sighed, crushed out the rolled cigarette with his fingers, and said: “Juan Wa, outsiders all say that letting girls go to school is a huge loss, but I’m born a stubborn ox. You study your books properly, and in the future find decent work. I’ve had enough of farming this land. The old Zhang family can’t produce farmers generation after generation.”

“What… what are you saying!!” I held it in for a long time, then stood in the courtyard with a flushed face and shouted: “If I study… then what about Liang Wa? What will happen to Liang Wa?”

“Liang Wa… has his own fate.” Father said in a heavy voice. “Juan Wa, this is what Father and Mother owe him. In this lifetime Father and Mother will repay this debt to him, and if we can’t finish repaying it, we’ll continue in the next life. It has nothing to do with you.”

“How… how can it have nothing to do with me?!” I stammered, not knowing how to respond. “Liang Wa is my brother!”

That day I hated Father and Mother to death.

They just decided Liang Wa’s fate like that.

Liang Wa was the best child in the whole world. No matter how uncomfortable his body felt, he would try his best to grin and smile for us to see.

The doctor said his heart couldn’t supply enough blood, and his fingers were dark purple all day long. Every day I would ask him if he was uncomfortable, but Liang Wa would always smile and ask me if his fingers looked like eggplants in the field that hadn’t grown yet.

When everyone in the family cried, Liang Wa wouldn’t cry. He would always smile like that.

But Father and Mother just gave up on Liang Wa like that. I felt like my sky was collapsing.

That day Mother held me and kept crying. She said how could she not want Liang Wa to live, but how could Liang Wa live?

Borrowing fifty or eighty yuan from each neighbor, when could we ever gather over a hundred thousand yuan?

Father and Mother both said they owed Liang Wa, but they had done nothing wrong.

Our family’s only mistake was not having enough money for Liang Wa’s surgery. As long as I went out and earned enough money, wouldn’t everything be solved?

As long as I could earn money… everything would be quick.

After “hundred” comes “thousand”, after “thousand” comes “ten thousand”, and after “ten thousand” comes “hundred thousand”. We were only four or five steps away from over a hundred thousand.

Neither Father nor Mother paid any more attention to me. That day Father’s mouth kept turning downward, and in his silence he aged several more years. Time had always left very painful marks on him, as obvious as his skin covered in sand and dust.

The old people in the village all said that hemp rope breaks at its thinnest point, and misfortune specifically seeks out those with bitter fates.

I went into the inner room to find Liang Wa. He was lying there sleeping. I didn’t know if he was pretending to sleep or really sleeping, I just went over and hugged his round, rolling head.

“Sis…?” Liang Wa opened his eyes and looked at me.

“Liang Wa, do you feel uncomfortable anywhere?” I asked.

“No, Sis, I feel like my illness is almost better.” Liang Wa grinned at me with his teeth showing. “Maybe next year I’ll be able to go to school.”

My eyes seemed to have broken open. The tears I had held back for so long suddenly spilled out at this moment, falling onto the pillow, falling onto Liang Wa’s face.

“Sis! Don’t cry!” Liang Wa reached out with his pitch-black hands to wipe my tears. “Look! Sis! The eggplants are wiping your tears!”

I cried and cried, then suddenly laughed out loud with a “pff” sound, then reached out and hit him once: “You silly thing!”

“Hehe!”

“Liang Wa, Sis doesn’t have much ability, but Sis wants you to live.” I said, holding his head.

“I am living! Sis!” Liang Wa grinned at me showing his teeth. “My illness is almost better too!”

I didn’t know how to make Liang Wa live, but I knew I still had time.

“You wait for Sis.” I said. “Sis will study for one more year, and after middle school graduation I’ll go find work. By then Sis will have a diploma and can earn big money to treat your illness.”

“Earn big money?” Liang Wa blinked his eyes and asked me. “Can people who graduate from middle school go to the city to earn money like on TV?”

“Yes, that’s right.” I nodded. “By then Sis won’t have to go to the village grain and oil factory. Sis will go to the city to earn money.”

“Great!”

Liang Wa wanted to clap his hands, but his hands only lightly touched together. I knew his hands were uncomfortable, but as if he felt nothing, he continued shouting: “My sis is going to earn big money!”

“Liang Wa, when Sis earns money, I’ll buy you a big house in the city and bring you and Father and Mother over.” I said through my tears. “Then I’ll find you a wife, and buy you green pepper sandwiches to eat every day.”

“I don’t want a wife! I don’t want green pepper sandwiches!” Liang Wa said to me with a smile. “I want a brother-in-law! I want you to find a brother-in-law!”

“Alright, Sis will first find you a brother-in-law, then find you a wife.”

After I finished speaking, I raised my head and saw Mother wiping tears outside the window.

If Liang Wa hadn’t gotten sick… how happy would our family’s days be?

At that time, I never knew that life’s journey would be so difficult.

They say where there’s a will, there’s a way, but many things in this world cannot be achieved just through effort and perseverance.

This world builds countless invisible walls, separating you from other people.

You can see their lives, you can see their joys, but your steps can never cross over.

It was also that same year that Father and Mother listened to a few fortune-telling words from the village secretary, saying that the name “Lijuan” wasn’t good, that it clashed with my eight characters and was unfavorable for the passing years, so they wanted to go to the police station to change my name.

But going to the police station to change a name had too many complicated procedures. Father and Mother couldn’t read many characters, and no matter how they tried, they couldn’t get it done properly, so they decided to give me a nickname.

They said at home they wouldn’t call me Juan Wa anymore, saying that name over and over had scattered the family. Changing the name would be auspicious, and since I was graduating that year, calling me Tiantian could make the family better.

But thinking carefully about it… it was precisely from that year on that my life began to thoroughly collapse, wasn’t it?