Following Yun Ye’s instructions, the palace maids arranged all the silver platters neatly one by one. When the lids were removed, the rich fragrance of the dishes spread out. When Li Er was conducting business, he wouldn’t pay attention to food. Even if all the delicacies of heaven were placed before him, it wouldn’t cause his thinking the slightest hindrance. Without looking at the table, he simply conversed with Feng Ang to his heart’s content.

There were only five low tables in the side hall. Unlike other people’s tables with their colorful attractive appearance, Yun Ye’s was filled entirely with crabs. He hadn’t eaten this thing in many years and today prepared to go on a killing spree. He pulled out from his bosom a small hammer, small scissors, large toothpick, small spoon, and clamps for flattening the crab shells. As for hooks and chisels, Yun Ye felt they were unnecessary. Happily washing his hands clean, he prepared to begin eating.

He picked up a crab and cut off the claws to save for eating last. Good things should always be saved for last. He lifted the crab shell and was eating happily. Not many people in Great Tang ate this thing, so each one was raised extremely fat. The crab roe could actually fill a whole spoonful. Putting it in his mouth felt too comfortable. He poked out the crab meat with a toothpick, dipped it in a little ginger vinegar—the fresh flavor made one feel as if floating in ecstasy. Using clamps to crush the crab leg shells made a refreshingly delightful sound. Suddenly, he felt the room seemed very quiet. Just now, there had been the sound of stringed instruments coming through, but now there was no movement.

Only then did he raise his head to look and discovered Li Er, Feng Ang, and Fang Xuanling were all watching him eat crabs with great interest. Feng Zhidai covered his forehead hiding at the very back. With an embarrassed smile, he stood up and asked: “Why is Your Majesty not dining? Could it be that this subject’s cooking cannot enter Your Majesty’s eyes?”

Li Er shook his head. He picked up the small tools from his table, tested them a few times, and said: “When a craftsman wishes to do good work, he must first sharpen his tools. You’ve implemented this principle quite thoroughly here. I haven’t found fault with the food you make. It has complete color, aroma, and taste—more delicious than the palace food. It’s just that Duke Feng and I saw you eating so lively and came over to look. Continue eating.”

Wasn’t it just that biting crabs with his teeth was somewhat unseemly? Lanling was eating just like this in the kitchen earlier, and he didn’t hear her complain. Why wasn’t it acceptable here?

Fang Xuanling laughed heartily: “This old man’s teeth aren’t good. Seeing fine food, I have the heart but not the strength. My heart itches unbearably! How about lending this old man these implements?”

What else could be said? Yun Ye had no choice but to wash the several tools in the nearby tea water basin and hand them to Fang Xuanling, but discovered Old Fang wouldn’t take them. His eyes stared straight at the basin he’d used to wash the tools without speaking.

Li Er’s face turned alarmingly red. He pointed at the tea water and asked: “This is for washing hands?”

What else could tea water at a crab feast be used for if not washing hands? As the thought turned to this, his heart thumped. These several people couldn’t have drunk all the tea water, could they?

A group of country bumpkins! This was going to kill him alive! Yun Ye was tearful inside. Five people eating—four bumpkins drank the handwashing tea water, and only one smart person didn’t drink it. This smart person’s fate could be imagined, especially since among them was the petty Li Er. To resolve this embarrassment, only if all five people became bumpkins would it be possible.

“Oh, in response to Your Majesty, this is tea water this subject specially prepared for today’s banquet to cut through greasiness, brewed with the finest tea leaves. It’s most suitable for banquet drinking.”

Having said this, Yun Ye picked up the small porcelain basin and took a big drink. The tea water mixed with the crab’s fishy smell almost made him vomit. He forced it down. If he spat it out, given the seriousness of today’s events, it would be strange if Li Er didn’t make him crawl home. The consequences were too severe, so he could only wrong his stomach. Didn’t Tang Dynasty boiled tea even include lard?

Only then did Li Er’s complexion improve. He grunted and said: “Next time, find a smaller vessel to hold tea water. Good tea water wasted.”

Feng Ang also followed: “The tea water’s flavor is truly marvelous. When this old man leaves, I must take some back with me.”

With a strange expression, Fang Xuanling took the tools from Yun Ye’s hands, came before Li Er’s seat, and asked him to use them first. He then summoned inner attendants over to find some small scissors and such things to make up the numbers for the others.

Feng Ang was a military general with a military general’s imposing dignity. He bit into a handled pork elbow until juice dripped, praising it profusely. The crabs seemed to be merely after-dinner snacks. He didn’t use any of the scissors and such on the table at all. He threw the crab’s large pincers into his mouth and bit them with crunching sounds that made Yun Ye’s teeth ache. Wasn’t this just to let the Emperor see his glutton nature of eating one dou of rice and ten jin of meat?

Giving him these things was a waste. He didn’t like things like lotus root stuffed with glutinous rice. He asked Yun Ye why he didn’t stuff some tiger meat inside, saying that thing had good chew. He’d send Yun Ye some wind-dried tiger meat when he got back. He’d also brought several dozen tiger penises. Looking at the exuberant Feng Ang, this fellow might very well be the chief culprit leading to the complete extinction of the South China tiger.

The meal didn’t conclude until the lanterns were first lit. Yun Ye had not the slightest interest in the palace song and dance. The songs and dances Li Er himself arranged looked boring—constantly proclaiming his achievements in the great battle against Dou Jiande. A hundred or so dancers wearing armor in a chaotic mess without rules, appearing for a while, singing for a while. The lyrics were obscure and difficult to understand. Women dancing men’s dances was inherently ugly. The killing wasn’t tragic, the cries weren’t miserable. The dancers in white clothes looked down on everything in all directions, flinging their sleeves like scattering flowers. Finally, they squatted toward the Son of Heaven, performing women’s etiquette.

Feng Ang probably shared Yun Ye’s thoughts and also couldn’t watch anymore. He removed his outer robe, gave a great shout, turned a hollow somersault, spun in a circle, and began dancing the martial dance—extending arms and kicking legs like a madman.

Li Er called out “Good!” and himself went down to the floor shaking his shoulders and swinging his hands. Since others were dancing, naturally it wouldn’t be good to eat. Yun Ye looked at the gradually cooling crabs before him and lamented endlessly.

They all liked dancing but danced poorly. They couldn’t even do a proper split. After two spins, they were in danger of falling. Feng Zhidai’s mid-air split looked like his rear had been shot with an arrow. Fang Xuanling’s dance looked like an old lady strolling the streets. They didn’t eat good food but were all having fits.

The hand drum sounded once, and everyone returned to their positions. Li Er wiped the sweat on his head and asked Yun Ye: “How was my dance?”

“Apart from being vigorous and forceful, graceful and elegant, just like an eagle spreading its wings, like a giant fish stirring waves, or like a mad wind first arriving—regarding Your Majesty’s dance posture, this subject truly has nothing good to say.” What he most hated was this kind of situation. Though telling blatant lies with eyes wide open was an official’s essential skill, Yun Ye truly disliked it.

Great Tang’s banquet time was alarmingly long. A full three hours passed before that damned Hunyang Meihu was carried up by two strongmen. An entire sheep, arranged in a kneeling worship pose on the platter. Li Er grabbed the dining knife from the low table and casually threw it, sticking it in the sheep’s body. The strongman pulled out the dining knife, blade facing inward, made bows in four directions, carved open the sheep’s belly, and pulled out a goose from inside. Then from the goose’s belly, he extracted several chicken eggs and glutinous rice steeped in oil to a faint yellow. There weren’t many eggs—only five—one per person. Yun Ye discovered the one given to Li Er was clearly the largest, possibly a goose egg. His own was the smallest, like a pigeon egg. Looking at Zhidai’s again made him satisfied—his was only fingernail-sized, who knew what kind of egg.

Goose oil-soaked rice would be strange if it tasted good. Moreover, a huge amount of pepper had been sprinkled on it. That stuff wasn’t bad for soup, but with too much, how could one taste the food’s original flavor?

Following Feng Ang and Fang Xuanling rising to bow in thanks to His Majesty for bestowing food, they began eating heartily. The egg’s taste wasn’t bad—it was just that small spoonful of glutinous rice was truly too greasy, still emanating a strong pepper smell, extremely pungent.

Feng Ang, Old Fang, and young Feng ate with infinite enjoyment, especially Feng Ang. He held the glutinous rice in his mouth turning it over and over, reluctant to swallow, extremely disgusting. His Majesty Li Er was the same, as if this was the correct method for nobles to savor delicacies.

Without eating, Yun Ye knew that no matter what, he couldn’t swallow it. He scooped up a spoonful of rice, and yellow oil dripped down, even forming strings. Where was this eating rice? This was drinking oil soup. The goose meat’s fishy smell assaulted his nose. This wasn’t the Cantonese roast goose rice he’d eaten before—this was poison.

The Emperor was busy talking with Feng Ang and Fang Xuanling. Yun Ye took the opportunity to grab Zhidai’s plate beside him and shoved his own over. Zhidai was a good person—he licked his plate as if it had just been washed. Not eating food bestowed by the Emperor was great disrespect.

Under Yun Ye’s stern gaze, Zhidai happily ate Yun Ye’s rice clean too and even bowed in thanks. This made everyone happy.

Someone kept poking Yun Ye’s back. When he turned to look, he saw no one. After this happened several times, he began paying attention. Sure enough, a tender little hand reached out from behind the curtain, planning to poke him again. Besides Lanling, Yun Ye couldn’t think of who else would be so bold.

He casually stuffed the just-cleaned crab shell into the little hand. The little hand withdrew, and the crab shell immediately flew back out, hitting Yun Ye on the head, then dropping onto the low table with a clattering sound that immediately drew Li Er’s gaze.

Lanling walked out openly from behind the curtain, paid her respects to her father, then accepted everyone’s greetings.

“Lanling, it’s already night. Why haven’t you gone to sleep? What are you doing in the front hall?” Li Er always doted on his daughters, especially Lanling.

“Father Emperor, this child came to settle accounts with a faithless, promise-breaking, repeatedly deceiving mangy dog.” Lanling clenched her little fists, filled with righteous indignation as she spoke to her father.

Li Er looked at Fang Xuanling, then at Feng Ang, directly skipped over Zhidai, and viciously said to Yun Ye: “No need to say—the mangy dog in Lanling’s mouth must be you, right? What audacity, daring to even deceive my daughter! Lanling, what happened? Tell Father Emperor and I’ll help you vent your anger.”

It was over. Yun Ye wanted to rush over and block Lanling’s little mouth. The matter of sending crabs to Li Anlan would be exposed.

According to the law of misfortune, the thing you most worried would happen would definitely happen—unfailingly accurate. The detestable Lanling opened and closed that cherry-red little mouth and immediately turned the matter of Yun Ye promising to give her a chicken and having her deliver crabs to Li Anlan completely upside down.

Li Er’s expression was strange. He asked Yun Ye: “Boy, is there something in this that I don’t know about?”

“In response to Your Majesty, when this subject was studying in the palace in the past, I became acquainted with Princess Shouyang. Now that she’s about to depart far away, sending her some food is merely to bid her farewell. Lingnan has many miasmas and snakes and insects. I just wanted to leave her something to remember, so she won’t be too lonely with mountains high and waters distant.”

“Marquis Yun’s words are mistaken. Lingnan also has places where mountains are clear and waters beautiful. The great sea’s waves surge to the sky, green mountains connect to verdant trees, the local customs are simple and honest, products are abundant—it’s also a treasure land. Marquis Yun can be completely at ease. Princess Shouyang will definitely arrive in Lingnan safely and soundly. Eight hundred li of Liao territory will also definitely, under the Princess’s civilizing influence, open up the people’s wisdom. Before long, that place will become another paradise of our Great Tang.” Feng Ang spoke passionately and fervently, wishing he could pull out his heart to show the several people in the great hall.

This wasn’t the result I wanted to achieve. Yun Ye was astonished. Turning his head, he saw Lanling wearing Li Anlan’s longevity pendant around her neck.