He hadn’t been in the mood to eat all day. Now that things had quieted down, Li Chengqian felt his stomach was empty and uncomfortably hungry. Seeing Yun Ye drinking porridge, he ladled himself a bowl and sat opposite Yun Ye, picking up a pickled radish to eat with the thick porridge. The palace attendants and guards all consciously withdrew outside to stand watch. Only the two of them remained in the small courtyard drinking porridge and eating.
“Ye Zi, come back to the palace with me. Mother has questions for you.”
“I’m not going. The curfew drum has already sounded. If a young man like me enters the palace at this hour, it will invite criticism.”
“What nonsense! Haven’t you entered countless times before? You even did *that* with my sister in the palace, and you still have the face to talk about propriety? Besides, after answering questions, you’ll just come back with me to the Eastern Palace. Who said you’d stay in the inner palace?”
“I’m even less willing to go to your place—I can’t afford to lose face! I’ve heard people say your uncle found you a beautiful man, and now you two are inseparable day and night, enjoying the passionate intimacy of cut sleeves and shared peaches. If some disgusting rumors spread about the two of us, I won’t want to live anymore.”
“Which heaven-damned person is spouting nonsense? I’ll go pull out his tongue right now! My uncle indeed sent me someone—a musician named Chengxin. I’ve been busy preparing the money house these past days and haven’t even seen him. How could there be cut sleeves and shared peaches?”
Upon hearing Yun Ye’s words, Li Chengqian jumped up like an arrow-struck rabbit. No man could tolerate being said to like catamites. By the looks of it, this fellow hadn’t become a pervert yet.
“Act away, just keep on acting! Even I, an idle person hiding away teaching at Yushan, have heard about it, and you still say you haven’t seen him? I’ve heard that this Chengxin has a face like peach blossoms, a body like soft willows, breath fragrant as orchids—he contains hidden wonders within! Your Eighth Uncle spoke of him with three feet of drool flowing, saying he’d seen him at Prince Han’s mansion—that the most beautiful woman in Chang’an couldn’t compare. You haven’t come to wander around Yushan lately, so you must be very busy. You must be enjoying ‘beauties within the walls, red flowers laughing outside,’ spring nights every night, not noticing autumn leaves falling—truly making many bystanders green with envy!”
Yun Ye’s words were truly vile, spoken with strange tones, plus his odd expressions and comical movements. Li Chengqian was so angry steam came out of his nose. He stood up and dragged Yun Ye along, determined to go to the Eastern Palace to verify.
“Today I’ll go with you to see exactly what kind of beauty has everyone so obsessed! I’ll kill him with one sword. Whoever likes him can have his beautiful head as a gift. How dare anyone mock me—I’m furious!”
“Don’t drag me, I can walk myself! If someone sees us, they might add the story about you and Chengxin onto me, and I’ll definitely drown myself in the river. How disgusting! How could you like men? Chengqian, I haven’t met Hou Lian’er in person, but from her voice alone she’s clearly a beauty. With a beauty to cherish, why would you look for a man? Your Eighth Uncle has this taste—you’re not following him, are you? Let go—you’re strangling me to death!”
Light carriages were now very popular in Chang’an. If young masters didn’t have a Chang’an-brand one, they had no face to see people. All pulled by spirited horses, necks arched, hooves lifted high—without even looking at the people, just seeing the horses told you how arrogant the owner was.
A crowd of guards surrounded Li Chengqian’s carriage as it entered the Vermilion Bird Gate. Before the gate official could even bow, Li Chengqian whipped him aside, not even regarding the palace rule against galloping horses.
Naturally, someone would report this matter to the Emperor and Empress. Li Er was drinking wine. Hearing this, he smiled faintly and continued drinking from his cup. Something strange must have happened—otherwise the Crown Prince and Yun Ye wouldn’t have quarreled their way into the palace and then galloped wildly on horseback.
“What exactly is this about? Explain clearly. Why did the Crown Prince and Yun Ye have a dispute?” Zhangsun put down her chopsticks and asked the Crown Prince’s attendant.
“This servant only heard Marquis Yun mocking the Crown Prince for liking a man named Chengxin. The Crown Prince became furious, saying there was absolutely no such thing. Marquis Yun then said very strange words to provoke the Crown Prince. Now the Crown Prince wants to go execute that Chengxin and is dragging Marquis Yun along as a witness.”
Li Er spat out the mouthful of wine in his mouth with a spray, laughing until he was breathless. He waved the attendant away and said to the Empress: “How about that? Was I wrong? Two days ago you were still worried the Crown Prince was being led astray. I said with Yun Ye around, it would be strange if he allowed such a thing to happen. This concerns inner palace affairs—neither you nor I can intervene easily. Whatever we do would be troublesome and might even cause the Crown Prince to become rebellious. Only with Yun Ye making the move will there be no future troubles. He can mock, he can advise, he can strike deadly blows—he has many choices, all coming from brotherly loyalty. Chengqian absolutely won’t hold a grudge. So you see, for some matters, having a friend give advice is a hundred times better than us taking action. Now, Yun Ye has chosen mockery. Even if Chengqian is reluctant, he’ll deal with that catamite. Yuanchang, you’re acting with less and less restraint.”
The first part was said with laughter, but the latter tone turned sinister. Zhangsun sighed and stood behind Li Er to massage his neck and shoulders.
They returned to the Eastern Palace amid chaos. Just before getting out of the carriage, Li Chengqian suddenly asked Yun Ye: “I suddenly think this matter isn’t simple. No matter what I do, it seems I’m not in the right. My uncle sending a musician isn’t a big deal, but when it’s spread as a catamite, something’s wrong. You never interfere with or ask about my private affairs. Why were you so harsh in mocking me this time? There must be a reason.”
“Clap, clap, clap”—Yun Ye’s applause came from inside the carriage. He jumped down and said to Li Chengqian: “I thought you wouldn’t figure it out until tomorrow. I didn’t expect you to have doubts now. Excellent! His Majesty’s efforts on you these past two years haven’t been wasted. Since you have doubts, find the answer yourself. I’m going to the kitchen. I only drank one bowl of porridge earlier—I’m still hungry.”
“You’re not going to see the beauty with a face like peach blossoms and a body like soft willows?” Li Chengqian grinned at Yun Ye.
“If it’s a woman, I’d be very interested. If it’s a man, I hate all men in this world who are more handsome than me. That kind of hermaphrodite would make me vomit. For the sake of my appetite, better not to meet. You go look. Maybe you’ll fall in love at first sight. If you love each other, I wish you to fly together like lovebirds, necks entwined like mandarin ducks. Before you prepare to cut sleeves and share peaches, just remember to find me a woodshed farthest from you two to make do for one night.”
Having said this, he laughed “hehe” and headed straight for the kitchen. The Crown Prince’s residence was really too familiar to him. In any case, Chengxin was Li Chengqian’s private affair. Yun Ye wouldn’t be foolish enough to get involved. Everyone needed absolute control over their private matters. Telling Li Chengqian his own opinion was a friend’s duty. As for how to handle it, that was Li Chengqian’s own choice. Yun Ye didn’t believe that after being brothers with a sunny person like himself for so long, he would go and like men. Li Chengqian had become a different person, yet Li Yuanchang still used the historical methods to seduce him—wasn’t he just looking for trouble? Thinking of Li Er and Zhangsun, Yun Ye felt sadness for Li Yuanchang. Falling into the hands of those two living King Yamas, if he could keep a patch of whole skin, he could count himself lucky.
Damn it! They kept saying you couldn’t casually slaughter cattle, yet the Crown Prince’s kitchen had freshly cooked beef! He selected two large pieces of the best tendon meat and had the cook wrap them up, planning to take them home tomorrow. Heaven-damned—he’d never seen bowl-sized crabs before! Not bad—they’d already purged their mud, spitting bubbles in clear water. This couldn’t be passed up. Steam two first. He kicked the cook’s backside—quickly go prepare minced ginger and fragrant vinegar. Can’t you see this Marquis is drooling?
The Eastern Palace cooks had long developed resistance to this Marquis who was always rummaging around the kitchen. When the Marquis gave orders, just follow them—nothing would be wrong. Quickly wrap the beef in lotus leaves, wash the ginger pieces, prepare to mince the ginger. Damn! There was a vat of Bohai giant prawns here. What was that black thing lying at the bottom of the vat? Heavens above—sea cucumbers! Live ones! Who had the ability to transport live sea cucumbers to Chang’an? These things shed their intestines and skin—without airplanes, how did they do it?
That wasn’t the point. The point was there would be scallion-fried sea cucumber to eat tonight. Tomorrow Xinyue would have sea cucumber to nourish herself. The fat cook’s knife work was exceptional—the beef slices were cut so thin you could see light through them from the other side.
The scallion threads were cut evenly. He tied up the crabs and placed them in the steamer. Soon they turned bright red. He cut the sea cucumbers into segments and stir-fried them with scallion segments—just flip them a few times in the wok and they were done, otherwise they wouldn’t be fresh. Freshly baked steamed buns with a bit of refined lard and a sprinkle of fine salt—this was delicious! He didn’t tell just anyone about this. Sucking on his saliva, he waited for the cook to bring up the delicious food. Today he must have a hearty feast.
Hearing the wrong kind of movement, he turned around with a face full of displeasure. For no other reason—Zhangsun was standing right behind him. That was the one bad thing about imperial family members—they walked without making a sound. She and Li Chengqian had been watching Yun Ye bustle about with interest without making a peep. Only when everything was ready and he was about to eat did they both appear together.
“Don’t be dissatisfied. This is my home. My mother and I eating delicious food from our own home doesn’t require looking at your expression.” Li Chengqian hadn’t gone to deal with Chengxin at all, but had run to the kitchen to see what Yun Ye was up to. Right now, one delicious meal was absolutely much more important than any Chengxin.
“You look exactly like a starving ghost reincarnated. Of all your teacher’s myriad excellent skills, you haven’t learned or mastered a single one—you only know how to scratch away at your mouth all day. That’s all you’ll ever be. The Great Tang’s misfortune—when anything good comes to the Great Tang, heaven has to give a discount. Even when giving a rare talent, it’s like this. Next time I go to the Hall of the Old Lord, I must properly beseech our ancestors to give us one who doesn’t scratch away at his mouth.”
As for Zhangsun’s praise, Yun Ye had long despaired. He sat down at the table and scooped sea cucumber onto his empty plate. Before he knew it, half was gone. Taking the beef too? That was excessive! There were only two crabs total. She picked the big one for a food box, saying it was to send to the Emperor as a midnight snack—he’d been reviewing memorials until very late these past days, and his body had grown worryingly thin, so he needed nourishment. There was no definite answer. Yun Ye’s opinion was that Li Er should lose weight—his belly was protruding already. Still nourishing him?
Zhangsun’s face was full of joy. She gave Yun Ye and Li Chengqian each one crab claw, and used a spoon to scoop crab roe for herself. A few days ago, she still had the appearance of Guanyin Bodhisattva, going everywhere to purchase surplus grain from common households, personally appearing and inspecting on site whether the large measures used for collecting grain were fraudulent. She had caught one fool from the inner palace treasury and had him whipped thirty times on the spot, causing the common people to weep with tears, as if seeing their own mother.
Now she was like a proud queen—giving the two juniors one claw each was already a gracious favor. The blackish sea cucumber looked frightening, but after eating a small segment, her chopsticks moved non-stop. She also drained three cups of grape wine in succession without catching her breath or changing expression, only saying that this year’s harvest was good and should be celebrated.