As Xu Yan found an empty parking spot and stopped the car, another vehicle pulled up in front of them. A man wearing black-framed glasses got out and said, “It’s you again. You’ve parked in my spot again.” Xu Yan recognized him as her neighbor across the hall, whose surname she thought was Tang. Once, his package had been delivered to her apartment—a box of mini Lego toys. When she brought it over that evening, his eyes were red. She had glimpsed his TV playing “Comrades: Almost a Love Story,” with Maggie Cheung sitting in Leon Lai’s backseat.
Xu Yan apologized, “I didn’t know this spot was yours. There’s no sign.” As she was about to move the car, the man waved his hand and said, “Never mind, I’ll move mine instead.” He got into his car and started the engine.
Qiao Lin smiled and said, “He must have seen that I’m pregnant. Nowadays, I never have to queue anywhere. People give up their seats on the bus. When the baby’s born, I might not be used to it anymore.”
Xu Yan opened the apartment door. She hadn’t planned on bringing Qiao Lin home. The apartment was spacious and luxuriously decorated. Even someone unfamiliar with Beijing would likely guess that the rent was beyond most people’s means. But Qiao Lin showed no surprise and did not comment. She stood in the middle of the living room, head lowered and eyes narrowed as if adjusting to the bright light from the crystal chandelier overhead.
After a while, she came to her senses and asked Xu Yan, “What time does your show air?” Xu Yan replied, “It’s already over. Nothing worth watching.” Qiao Lin asked, “Do people recognize you on the street and ask for autographs?” Xu Yan said, “It’s just a cooking show. Who remembers what the host looks like?”
She found a new bathrobe and led Qiao Lin to the bathroom. Qiao Lin pointed at the huge round bathtub and asked, “Can I try it?” Xu Yan said, “Pregnant women shouldn’t take baths.” Qiao Lin sighed, “Oh well, I wanted to soak for a bit.” She raised her arms to take off her sweater, revealing half her face as she smiled and asked, “Could you copy your show onto a DVD for me to take back? Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mom and Dad. I’ll watch it secretly.”
Under Qiao Lin’s sweater was a dark blue undershirt, stretched tight over her protruding belly. It was unbelievably round. Her transformed body, that curve expanded by life, held a mysterious beauty. Xu Yan felt a twinge in her heart.
The phone rang. Shen Haoming urged her to come quickly. Seeing that Xu Yan was about to leave, fear flashed in Qiao Lin’s eyes. Xu Yan assured her she’d be back soon, then grabbed her coat and left.
Xu Yan opened her eyes to find herself in a hospital room. The walls were white, the table was white, and the vase on the table was white. Qiao Lin sat by the bed, gazing at her with a sorrowful look. Xu Yan sat up and asked Qiao Lin, “Tell me, what’s wrong with me?” Qiao Lin lowered her eyes and said, “You have a tumor in your uterus. You need surgery.” Uterus? Xu Yan placed her hand on her stomach, wondering where this organ was—she had never felt its presence. Qiao Lin continued, “You’re only 17. You shouldn’t have this illness. The doctor said it’s a hormone issue, possibly related to the poison they injected you with at birth.”
…The doctor stood by the bed, saying, “The surgery went well, but the tumor might grow back. In the future, you might consider removing the uterus after having children. But getting pregnant will be difficult.” He didn’t say it was impossible, but Xu Yan knew that’s what he meant.
After the doctor left, the room fell silent. Xu Yan stared out the window at a crooked tree, its side branches sawed off. Qiao Lin said, “I know nothing I say will help, but I don’t want to have children in the future. I don’t know why, but the thought terrifies me.”
When Xu Yan arrived at the restaurant, Shen Haoming was already a bit drunk, discussing car options with two friends. Last month, he had driven his expensively modified Jeep Wrangler to Beidaihe, only for the axle to break halfway. Though it was repaired now, he said he could no longer trust it.
They had a self-driving tour group that always traveled together, over a dozen cars in an impressive convoy. Xu Yan had joined them once on a trip to Inner Mongolia. Every night, everyone got drunk and left piles of colorful trash on the grasslands. One night, Xu Yan and Shen Haoming stayed sober, sitting on a hillside talking all night. That’s how they met. Xu Yan didn’t know anyone well; another girl had invited her, perhaps just to fill an empty seat. By the fifth day, Xu Yan was riding in Shen Haoming’s car. They talked non-stop and eventually got separated from the group. Using only the smoked ham and a few candles from the trunk, they spent an unforgettable night on the grasslands.
On the day they returned to Beijing, Xu Yan felt a bit down. Shen Haoming drove her home, and as she watched his car drive away, she thought he might never contact her again. She knew he came from a wealthy family, surrounded by beautiful girls, and had only been with her due to the loneliness of travel. Perhaps from exhaustion, she developed a fever the next day. Lying in bed, she felt like a fuse about to burn out, nearly setting the sheets on fire. She felt an intense, unrealistic longing. “Help me,” she said to the ceiling in the darkness. She always said this when she felt particularly unwell.
In the evening, she received a text from Shen Haoming, asking if she wanted to have dinner together. She shakily got out of bed, applied some makeup, and went out. It wasn’t a dinner for two; many of Shen Haoming’s friends were there. Feverish and confused, she still smiled and sat next to him. The gathering lasted until midnight. On the way back, her body kept shaking. Shen Haoming felt her forehead and chided her for not saying anything earlier, then turned the car towards the hospital. In the hallway outside the emergency room, he held her hand and said, “You make my heart ache.” She smiled and said, “Everyone was happy. It was a happy evening, wasn’t it?”
That summer, Shen Haoming often took her to parties. These parties were held in large houses in the suburbs, always with girls in short skirts accompanied by their foreign boyfriends. By the end of summer, she was certain she had become Shen Haoming’s girlfriend. By then, she had learned to curl her hair and had acquired several short skirts. In late September, sitting at a roadside barbecue stand with some old friends, she realized she might never see them again. In her eight years in Beijing, she had constantly been meeting new friends and entering new circles. That feeling of constantly rising and evolving brought her some satisfaction.
“Do you want to go to Moscow?” Shen Haoming turned to look at her. “Let’s drive to Moscow in the spring, shall we?” “Sure,” Xu Yan said. She thought of the stars over the wilderness and those nights when drinking made her feel a little freer.
As the dinner party ended, Xu Yan drove Shen Haoming back to his parents’ house. Initially, he had planned to live with her when they rented the apartment. But later, finding it too far from work, he mostly stayed at his parents’ place. There, several maids attended to him, and the food was to his liking. His parents also didn’t want him to move out, as if that would mean accepting his relationship with Xu Yan.
“Is your cousin settled in?” Shen Haoming suddenly asked. “My mom wants you to come for dinner tomorrow. Bring her along.” Xu Yan replied, “No need, she has her plans.” Shen Haoming said, “I’m free from the law firm the day after tomorrow. I can accompany you to show her around, and do some shopping.” Xu Yan agreed.
It was already 1 AM when she got home. Qiao Lin was still awake, watching TV in bed. She seemed to have been crying but wiped her face and smiled at Xu Yan, saying, “Have you seen this show? They swap a city kid with a rural kid, letting them live in each other’s homes for a few days. The rural child saved all the money the city ‘parents’ gave for breakfast, wanting to buy a new crutch for his grandmother back home.” Xu Yan said, “It’s all fake, arranged by the production team.” Qiao Lin protested, “How could it be? That rural child cried so heartbrokenly.”
Xu Yan changed into her pajamas and sat on the bed, asking, “Why are you having insomnia? Aren’t pregnant women supposed to sleep a lot?” Qiao Lin replied, “I lie awake until dawn every day. Everything I see has a double image as if the souls of things have escaped.” Xu Yan asked if she had seen a doctor. Qiao Lin answered, “They say it’s due to mental stress, but they won’t prescribe sedatives.”
After a moment of silence, Xu Yan asked, “Do you regret keeping the baby?” Qiao Lin smiled, “How could I? I’ve already bought clothes, all white so they’ll work for either gender.”
Six months ago, Qiao Lin had called to say she was pregnant. The father, Lin Tao, was two years younger than her. They worked as sales clerks in the same mall. His parents had always warned him not to date Qiao Lin, saying getting involved with her parents would ruin his life. When he learned of the pregnancy, he panicked and went into hiding. Qiao Lin went to his home, where his mother gave her some money to have an abortion. Qiao Lin’s parents insisted she keep the baby and caused a scene at Lin’s house and at the mall where Qiao Lin worked. Qiao Lin quit her job and told her parents, “If you make any more trouble, I’ll kill myself in front of you.”
During that time, Qiao Lin often called Xu Yan, asking, “Why is my life always full of disputes?”
One October morning, two girls stopped Xu Yan at the school gate, saying, “Aren’t you Qiao Lin’s little sidekick? You’d better stay away from that vixen if you don’t want to get tainted.” Xu Yan wasn’t surprised. She had noticed that Qiao Lin was very popular at school, with many boys pursuing her and many others gossiping about her.
After school, she met up with Qiao Lin but didn’t mention the incident. At the main gate, those two girls appeared again. With lowered heads and gloomy faces, they said, “We spoke wrongly. We’re sorry. Please don’t take it to heart.” Qiao Lin frowned and said nothing.
They went to the ice cream shop again. Yu Yiming soon arrived. Qiao Lin glared at him, “You have quite a network of informants.” Yu Yiming asked, “What’s wrong?” Qiao Lin said, “Don’t play dumb. You sent Wang Bin to intimidate Li Jingjing?” Yu Yiming replied, “They were too arrogant. We had to teach them a lesson.” Qiao Lin retorted, “If you consider Wang Bin a friend, don’t make him do such things. He already has two disciplinary records. One more and he’ll be expelled.” Yu Yiming said, “I won’t allow them to slander you like that.” Qiao Lin smiled slightly, “I don’t care at all.”
Xu Yan said to Qiao Lin, “If I were you, I’d probably have an abortion.” Qiao Lin looked horrified, “How could I? It’s a life.” Xu Yan replied, “There are many wrong lives in this world. They’ll only suffer if born.” Qiao Lin said, “Stop it. I absolutely can’t do that.”
Xu Yan knew clearly that Qiao Lin couldn’t do it because of her parents. They had initially opposed family planning, then evolved to opposing abortion altogether. Especially Wang Yazhen, who had become a crusader for the cause. She often stood outside hospitals, intercepting women going for abortions, telling stories of vengeful spirits, and intimidating doctors and nurses, urging them to put down their scalpels and seek redemption in temples.
A few women who heeded their words and gave birth sent photos of their one-month-old babies, which Wang Yazhen enlarged and carried around to promote her cause. She loved to tell her own story: “My younger daughter, they forced me to abort her, injected me with hormones and poison. I have a heart condition and nearly died on the operating table.
But didn’t the child still survive healthily? You have no such difficulties now, what reason do you have not to keep the child?” She would surely hold up Qiao Lin as a model of single motherhood in the future. As for how Qiao Lin would raise the child, she gave it no thought. Qiao Lin had been supporting the family for years and now had lost her job.
Their misfortunes would ultimately become capital for her parents’ petitioning. Just like Xu Yan’s uterine tumor, which they broadcast everywhere, all to claim more compensation. The anger in Xu Yan’s heart, like a dormant volcano, ignited again. So perhaps it wasn’t entirely for Qiao Lin, but more to rebel against her parent’s will, to strike a heavy blow at them—she called Qiao Lin again. Qiao Lin seemed pleasantly surprised, saying, “You’ve never called me before.” Xu Yan said, “You should reconsider. Keeping this child might ruin your life.” Qiao Lin replied, “But it’s alive, moving inside me. It’s truly amazing, a feeling you can’t understand…” Xu Yan laughed coldly, “Indeed, I can’t understand that feeling. I won’t interfere in your affairs anymore.”
Qiao Lin didn’t call again. Occasionally, Xu Yan would mentally calculate the months, wondering how long until the child was born.
Qiao Lin sat in the stadium stands, biting a popsicle, her mouth stained with bright coloring. Xu Yan approached and said, “What’s the use of hiding here?” Qiao Lin remained silent. Xu Yan asked, “Do you enjoy watching boys fight over you? If you don’t want to date them, why are you nice to them, letting them fawn all over you?” Qiao Lin said, “Maybe I’m afraid of being lonely.” She looked up, grinning with orange-stained lips, “Do you hate girls like me?”
Xu Yan lay down on the bed and turned off the lamp. But the darkness wasn’t complete; a trembling light seeped through a gap in the curtains. As she debated whether to eliminate that sliver of light, Qiao Lin’s hand reached through the barrier of blankets between them and found hers. She said, “Do you remember when Grandma was sick and I brought you home? We squeezed into my little bed.” Xu Yan replied, “That was when we were very young. After starting junior high, I never went back.”
Qiao Lin gripped her hand tightly and said, “I know I said the wrong thing last time. I’ve wanted to call you, but I was afraid you’d try to persuade me to have an abortion again…” Xu Yan said, “Admit it, you regret it now.” Qiao Lin denied it, “No, I’ve come to terms with it. Whatever I give this child, whether it’s a lot or a little, it will follow its destiny.
You suffered a lot as a child, but aren’t you doing well now?” Xu Yan asked, “What about you? What destiny are you following? Why do you insist on carrying such a heavy burden?” Qiao Lin laughed softly in the darkness, “I like to show off, always feeling like things can’t go on without me. But what use am I?” She squeezed Xu Yan’s palm and continued, “I’ve long given up hope on the petitioning. I’m just trying to spite Lin Tao. He once said if my family got justice and stopped causing trouble, he’d marry me. But how could that be possible? He’s probably got a new girlfriend by now.”
Xu Yan turned over and closed her eyes. She felt Qiao Lin’s labored breathing, like a ship about to sink. An obvious fact that she had long ignored was that her sister was living a terrible life, and it might never get better. What could she do to help?
She could. Shen Haoming was a lawyer himself, enthusiastic and willing to help friends. His father had many government connections.
She couldn’t. She couldn’t even bring herself to speak up. From the beginning, she had concealed her family situation, saying her father had left and her mother had died, and that she was raised by her grandmother. This wasn’t lying, she told herself, just self-preservation. Who could accept parents who constantly caused trouble and were always being expelled and hauled away by security? However, since she had always referred to Qiao Lin as her cousin—perhaps she could ask them to help this cousin. But there were risks. Her parents had mentioned their younger daughter’s name in interviews, saying she now lived in Beijing. If those materials were uncovered, her identity would be exposed.
Xu Yan managed to sleep for a few hours, waking as dawn approached. She felt Qiao Lin’s breath near her ear, the warm air flowing onto her face. She opened her eyes to find Qiao Lin gazing at her in the early light. For a moment, she couldn’t recall when in the past Qiao Lin had looked at her like this, with those big round eyes, as if understanding something important she needed to tell her. But she didn’t speak.
“Do you see me with a double image too?” Xu Yan asked.
Qiao Lin replied, “No, I see you very clearly.”
Yu Yiming stood at the door of her classroom. He said Qiao Lin hadn’t come to class for three days. Xu Yan said, “My dad broke his leg. She has to take care of him.” Yu Yiming said, “Whenever something happens with your parents, she can’t come to class. Exams are coming up. This can’t go on. Take me to see her.”
It was snowing outside, and the roads were icy. They pushed their bicycles forward. The wind was strong, snow falling chaotically, and the sky was like a wasp’s nest. Yu Yiming’s hair had grown long again. His face was pale, with a handsome dimple on his chin. With a serious expression, he said, “Help me persuade Qiao Lin to study hard and come to Beijing with me for university.” Xu Yan said, “She doesn’t want to leave.” Yu Yiming said, “She has no future here.” Xu Yan asked, “What’s Beijing like?” Yu Yiming replied, “The roads in Beijing are very wide, there are shops everywhere, and many cafes. Study hard, and you can come join us in two years.” Xu Yan asked, “Me?” Yu Yiming said, “Yes, we’ll wait for you in Beijing.”
Xu Yan stared at him blankly. The white breath from his mouth rose in the air, then dissipated.