Xiang Lan sighed softly. She initially had no particular fondness for Lin Dong Xiu, but since they began getting along peacefully, she gradually felt that Lin Dong Xiu wasn’t bad-natured. Now that Lin Dong Xiu was to marry the Marquis of Yong Chang and become Young Master De’s legitimate mother, she was especially worried and couldn’t help but say a few more words. Lin Dong Xiu’s temperament… Xiang Lan shook her head. It would be impossible for her to have a “loving mother and filial son” relationship with Young Master De; if she could just treat him kindly, that would be a blessing worth acknowledging.
While Xiang Lan was still worrying, she suddenly heard Lady Xia calling her name. She went over, and Lady Xia beckoned her to sit beside her. Taking Xiang Lan’s hand and examining it carefully for a while, she smiled at Fang Fei, saying, “Such a fine appearance, and rare to find one who is both literate and reasonable.”
Fang Fei smiled and said, “Indeed, I’ve heard the maids and servants from the Lin family also say that the Young Master’s concubine has good character.”
Lady Xia asked Xiang Lan, “How old were you when you entered the household?” She also asked, “Were you born into the Lin family or purchased? Where are your parents? How old are you this year?”
Xiang Lan answered each question. When Lady Xia heard that Xiang Lan was a household-born servant who had been freed and then re-entered the Lin family, she let out a long sigh and patted Xiang Lan’s hand.
Meanwhile, Lin Jin Lou called Lin Dong Xiu outside. Standing at the doorway, he pulled the curtain open slightly and pointed at Young Master De, who was playing with a small wooden sword on the arhat bed, saying, “This little one is Old Yuan’s heart and soul. Why don’t you go comfort him? If you treat him well, Old Yuan won’t mistreat you.” He then took out a gold pendant with the character for “everything as wished” from his waist pouch and handed it to her, saying, “Give this to Young Master De to wear around his neck. Children always talk, and Old Yuan will surely find out.”
Lin Dong Xiu twisted her handkerchief reluctantly, but remembering what Xiang Lan had just told her about “creating good karma” and “being willing to compromise,” she finally entered the room and sat beside Young Master De, making conversation with him.
After playing with Young Master De for a while, Lin Dong Xiu returned with Lady Xia. The maids came in to clear away the teacups and utensils. Young Master De, having just recovered from illness and having been active for a while, was now tired. Xiang Lan ordered a bowl of porridge and personally fed him, settled him in the gauze-screened bed, gave him medicine, and then let the wet nurse lull him to sleep.
Xiang Lan sat by the bed, staring at his little face for a long time, feeling both tender and bitter. Sometimes she felt that her memories of her previous life had become blurry – those days of flowers and brocade, of intense prosperity, of fine clothes and jade pendants, of literary refinement – all seemed like a fleeting dream without trace. But seeing Young Master De today brought back memories of picking flowers and playing games with Jia Lian, composing poetry together. Xiang Lan’s eyes quietly reddened, and she muttered to herself, “Sister, how did you die? I can’t even see you once in this life.” She raised her head to look out the window, seeing only delicate green bamboo.
In these two or three years, she had tasted at least half of life’s flavors – self-pity, tender affection, despair. Later, when Lin Jin Lou brought her to the capital, one day she sat in the cool breeze, looking up at the bright moon, listening to nature’s sounds, and suddenly her heart became clear.
Heaven hadn’t treated her too badly. After so many hardships, her life had gradually improved. Originally just a lowly maid whose life was worth as little as grass, unable to control even her tears and laughter, enduring harsh treatment and bullying, with parents living in poverty at home, having to carefully consider even the cost of needles and thread. Now her whole family had been freed from servitude, bought property and land, her father had become a respectable manager, and they could even employ servants. Thinking of this, the humiliation and grievances she had suffered seemed halved. Moreover, she now lived well in the Lin family, with people attending to her every move, and Lin Jin Lou treated her much more gently than before. Though she remained cautious, she was still grateful, even if this life wasn’t what she had wanted.
Given this, she roused herself to live each day. Fate was unpredictable, and one never knew where it would push people. All she could do was wait quietly, try to survive, and make her days more bearable. Sometimes she felt desperate, but she endured. She knew that Jiang Xiu Yun was the daughter-in-law favored by Madam Qin, an extremely clever and capable girl. Perhaps after Lin Jin Lou married her and she captured her husband’s heart, would she, fearing Xiang Lan, arrange for her to be moved outside the mansion?
As Xiang Lan was lost in these thoughts, Lin Jin Lou entered and stood behind her, also looking at Young Master De. He frowned and said, “What’s so interesting about this little fellow? If you like children so much, we should have our own.”
Xiang Lan faced away and ignored him, tucking Young Master De’s small blanket. Lin Jin Lou pulled her arm, saying, “Enough looking, let’s go eat first, I’m starving.” He led Xiang Lan outside, where the kang table was already set up with dishes. Lin Jin Lou made Xiang Lan sit next to him inside the kang, and after they washed their hands, he ordered wine. Pointing to the cup in front of him, he said to Xiang Lan, “Won’t you pour some for your master?”
Xiang Lan picked up the pot and poured Lin Jin Lou a cup. Lin Jin Lou said, “Have a cup with me.”
“I’ll use tea instead of wine.”
“Yesterday evening you told me you wanted to see Young Master De, and today I brought him here. For this, isn’t it inappropriate not to drink a toast?”
“…Oh.” Xiang Lan had no choice but to pour herself a cup and toast, Lin Jin Lou.
Lin Jin Lou asked, “You like Young Master De that much? Hmm?”
Xiang Lan lowered her eyes and said, “I like all children. I also like Young Master Yuan, don’t you remember, Master?”
Lin Jin Lou stroked his chin and said, “No, the way you look at Young Master De is different, as if he were your son… Do you have… some connection with the Shen family?”
Xiang Lan’s heart skipped a beat, but she smiled and said, “What connection could I possibly have with the Shen family? If you hadn’t mentioned them, I wouldn’t even know such a family existed.”
Lin Jin Lou put down his chopsticks and said nothing, just looking at her sideways. Xiang Lan’s palms began to sweat. She lowered her head and picked up some tender bamboo shoots for Lin Jin Lou, saying softly, “These are tender and good for clearing summer heat.” She stole a glance at Lin Jin Lou and saw him watching her with startlingly bright eyes.
Xiang Lan could only bow her head and eat. Suddenly she heard Lin Jin Lou say, “Earlier when you were talking about music, chess, calligraphy, and painting, you seemed quite knowledgeable. Did your master, Venerable Ding Yi, teach you all that?”
“…Yes.”
Lin Jin Lou picked up his chopsticks again and ate the bamboo shoot, then said, “Then your master must be quite an extraordinary person. You know what Fourth Cousin and the others said outside after your speech? They said you were showing off your talents and being pretentious.”
Xiang Lan was stunned for a moment. She had been so eager to see Young Master De that she wanted to tell him everything she knew. Hearing Lin Jin Lou’s words, she smiled and said, “Then let them think I was showing off.”
Lin Jin Lou pinched her cheek and said, “Tsk, sometimes I think you’re like a dough figurine that can be kneaded into any shape; other times you’re like a stubborn rock that makes one’s teeth ache.” He added more food to Xiang Lan’s plate and continued, “Actually, what you said – those who understand will naturally understand and find enlightenment; those who don’t, even if you talk for a whole day, will think it’s just long-winded and unpleasant to hear. It’s like the ‘spiritual realm’ you mentioned – without reaching that level, whatever is said is just nonsense. Even if you showed them the ‘Lan Ting Xu,’ they’d think it was just scribbles.”
Xiang Lan looked at Lin Jin Lou with bright eyes and couldn’t help but ask, “Do you understand?” As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them and quickly lowered her head, pretending to pour wine for Lin Jin Lou, hoping to gloss over it.
Lin Jin Lou glared and said, “Nonsense! How could I not understand?” Seeing Xiang Lan’s doubtful look, he became somewhat annoyed and put down his chopsticks, saying, “The old master was once the Director of the Imperial Academy, and our family associated with great scholars. When I started learning, I was taught by imperial tutors. The Six Arts were required subjects, and we would get beaten by the board if we didn’t learn well. I got top grades in every assessment.”
Xiang Lan pursed her lips, and Lin Jin Lou said, “You don’t believe me, do you? Wait a moment, sit properly, and I’ll draw a beautiful lady for you to see.” After a pause, he continued, “I heard from Fourth Sister that Madam Tan embarrassed you again today, and Fourth Cousin was secretly mocking you. Next time, don’t be so honest. If someone bullies you, just give it right back to them. I remember your little mouth can be quite sharp – you were like a knife when you were angry with me, so why are you suddenly mute with others?” He added more food to Xiang Lan’s plate and said, “These days you’ve started reciting Buddhist scriptures again. Being devout is good, but don’t make yourself look like a dying old lady. Why do you like reading that stuff?”
Xiang Lan looked at Lin Jin Lou, thinking to herself that he was full of greed, anger, delusion, pride, and doubt, and was exactly the one who should be reading Buddhist scriptures. Not daring to say this directly, she said, “There is great wisdom in Buddhist scriptures, Master should read them too.”
“I don’t have time for that.”
Xiang Lan said, “Life has endless troubles and unfulfilled desires. No one can escape birth, aging, illness, and death. The money, power, status, and love that we want to hold onto tightly are sometimes just dreams of impermanence when you think about it. In your previous life, you might have been a high-ranking master in fine clothes, but in the next life, you might be a servant being ordered around; loving couples in a previous life might be strangers in this one. Sometimes I think about how far apart life and death are – it’s just the space between breaths. How far apart are good and evil? Just a thought apart. How far apart are ancient and modern times? Just a joke apart. Sometimes what we struggle to let go of, what we agonize over to the point of life and death, is just a single thought, but achieving enlightenment and letting go is truly difficult. That’s why we need to read Buddhist scriptures, to understand the great wisdom within. Then the heart becomes pure, and even the most unpleasant things in the world can be faced calmly.”
Lin Jin Lou looked at her, remembering how she had spoken eloquently in the afternoon, unconsciously becoming radiant. His heart felt like it was filled with a warm heating pad, both warm and hot, with an indescribable uncomfortable feeling.
Now, as the evening lamps were first lit, Xiang Lan’s face was bathed in soft candlelight. She didn’t look at him, her eyes fixed on a calligraphy scroll hanging on the wall, her gaze distant, as if she truly saw that ethereal previous life. Lin Jin Lou had never seen Xiang Lan like this before. He had seen her stubborn, crying, silent, smiling, but had never seen her with such melancholy expressions and world-weary words. He had never seen her so vulnerable.
He wanted to reach out and hold Xiang Lan in his arms, pat her back, but for some reason, his heart felt like it contained a seed about to sprout, and he couldn’t move at all.