The next day, Xiang Lan swept fallen leaves into a pile and buried them in the soil for compost. In the corner of the wall grew a row of chrysanthemums – golden yellow, watermelon red, silvery-white, and deep purple. Though not precious varieties, some bloomed in round clusters like embroidered balls while others were withering, swaying in the wind.
Xiang Lan pruned away the dead branches and leaves, then watered each plant with a ladle. Noticing a cracked porcelain pot in the corner, she bound it tight with cloth strips and moved a cherry-colored chrysanthemum to the windowsill. Its leaves were thick and glossy green, its blossoms radiant like the morning sun. Though the courtyard had seemed messy and desolate before, this single chrysanthemum brought a touch of vitality.
She kept busy throughout the morning. After a hasty lunch, she sat by the window doing needlework. Suddenly hearing a knock, she peeked through the door crack and saw it was Bao Er. She let him in. Bao Er carried a quilt in his arms and said to Xiang Lan, “The weather’s getting cooler, and the night dew is heavy. I found you a thick blanket.”
Xiang Lan smiled, “You’re always so thoughtful.” She poured him a cup of tea.
Bao Er just laughed awkwardly, stealing glances at Xiang Lan. Seeing her watching him, he rubbed his hands together and chuckled nervously again.
Xiang Lan immediately sensed something was wrong and asked, “Is something the matter?”
Bao Er stammered, “Well… um… well…” After hesitating for a long while, he finally said quietly, “Master… Master knows Sister Xiang Lan is hiding here now…”
Xiang Lan was shocked and stood up. “How did he find out? What does he intend to do?” She looked outside, then carefully examined Bao Er. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?” She pulled Bao Er closer to check him over.
Bao Er waved his hands repeatedly, “No, no… Master traced the pawned ring, and that’s how he found out. I told Master why Sister Xiang Lan left, and he just froze like a wooden statue. When he seemed to come to his senses, he… he became a different person, speaking harshly to everyone, with a terrifying temper. He even beat up Master Liu and Master Xie. When Madam and Third Master tried to reason with him, Master responded with sarcasm, making Madam cry. Master started drinking, from evening until this morning. When he woke up with a headache, he still wouldn’t put down the wine. No one dares say a word…”
Xiang Lan was stunned, muttering, “How… how is this possible…” This wasn’t like Lin Jin Lou at all – that man always had an indomitable spirit, never showing despair even if the sky fell.
“It’s true. Even the Old Master was alarmed, but Master seemed not to care about Old Master or Old Madam. Finding home troublesome, he rode out to drink elsewhere, only returning now. Because he drank too much, he fell from his horse… They say… they say he broke his leg…”
Xiang Lan’s eyes widened as she asked urgently, “Broke his leg? Has a doctor come? Is he hurt anywhere else? How serious is the leg injury?”
Bao Er smiled bitterly, “I’m just a stable hand, how would I know such details… I heard Master was still calling for wine while lying in bed, and Madam was crying by his side, saying he’s tearing this family apart…” He glanced at Xiang Lan and cleared his throat, “Sister Xiang Lan, I mean no offense, but Master clearly won’t come looking for you anymore. However, it’s not right for him to keep hurting himself like this, right? I understand your difficulties, but as the saying goes… ah no, not that one… um… Since you know each other, Sister, why not go talk to him properly? Help him understand, part ways amicably, and stop him from destroying himself.”
Xiang Lan sat dazed for a long while before finally suppressing the tumultuous emotions in her heart. She managed to speak, her voice dry: “He won’t want to see me. Meeting would be worse than not meeting.”
After a moment, Bao Er also said quietly, “True, someone like Sister Xiang Lan should be with a refined, cultured scholar, not someone like Master. But Master’s condition is truly pitiful… He won’t let anyone mention your name. When Madam said ‘Xiang Lan,’ Master smashed his cup. Now he stays in his study and won’t even return to the inner quarters…”
Xiang Lan’s eyes reddened, and she wept silently.
Bao Er sighed and stood up, “It’s getting late, I should head back. Even though Master won’t be riding these days, I still need to groom and feed the horses.”
Xiang Lan rose to see him out. At the door, Bao Er couldn’t help turning back to ask, “Sister Xiang Lan… will you go see Master?”
Xiang Lan sniffled and shook her head, saying, “I don’t know.”
After Bao Er left, Xiang Lan seemed to lose her soul, becoming absent-minded. She skipped dinner and sat in a daze until lamplight time. Leaning against the bedhead, she dozed off and immediately saw her last day with Lin Jin Lou – he lowering his head with a smile saying, “Don’t worry about anything. Wait until I return, and we’ll talk properly.” She had pulled her hand away to straighten his collar, saying softly, “Alright.” Since leaving the Lin family, she often recalled his expression that day. She hadn’t wanted to think deeply about it until today when she suddenly realized there was profound regret hidden in her heart. If she had known it would be their last meeting, she would have said more to him. But when she thought about what to say, words failed her, and tears fell unknowingly like rain.
She felt she must be ill – now that her life was stable, she shouldn’t seek trouble. Between them lay an unbridgeable chasm. Rather than wearing down into a resentful couple in the difficult days ahead, it was better to leave some room for yearning. She understood this in her mind, but her emotional attachment was hard to let go, still overwhelming her heart with pain from time to time. Thinking of Bao Er saying Lin Jin Lou had injured his leg made her heart churn – his chest and arm wounds had barely healed, and now with this leg injury, what part of his body wasn’t hurt? She wondered how serious it was. Could it be broken?
The more she thought, the more restless she became, pacing circles in her room. After carefully considering everything several times in her mind, she suddenly seemed to make up her mind. Once decided, she became calm, wiped her face with a damp handkerchief, put on her clothes from the bed, and walked out. She went directly to the main gate on the outer side of Chang Chun Hall and knocked. She knocked for a long time, feeling her gathered courage nearly exhausted when finally the gatekeeper’s impatient voice came: “Coming, who is it?” The door creaked open a crack, and Xiang Lan forced herself to remain composed, saying, “It’s me, Chen Xiang Lan. Please inform the Master.”
The name “Chen Xiang Lan” was well-known throughout the Lin household, though few gatekeepers had seen her. Hearing this, the gatekeeper immediately stared at her with wide eyes, mouth agape in disbelief.
Xiang Lan repeated, “Please inform him.”
The gatekeeper snapped out of his daze with a “Yes!” and scrambled inside.
Xiang Lan stood at the door, appearing composed though her knees trembled beneath her skirt. In less than a quarter hour, she imagined a hundred different scenarios, thinking Lin Jin Lou might not even want to see her, her heart filled with mixed emotions. As she was lost in thought, the door opened, and Shuang Xi stood there, clearly having run, breathing heavily. Seeing Xiang Lan, his face lit up with joy as he said repeatedly, “Madam, it is you, please come in.” He kept talking while leading her in, bringing her to the study door where Shu Ran hurriedly came to meet them, tightly gripping Xiang Lan’s hand and saying, “Where have you been these days?” before choking up.
But Xiang Lan couldn’t wait, asking, “Where is Master?”
Shu Ran looked into the study and said hesitantly, “We just announced you, but Master said he won’t see you. He said since you left, you left…” She swallowed the rest of the sentence, but Xiang Lan understood he probably meant to treat her as dead. Seeing Xiang Lan’s expression, Shu Ran quickly added, “Master is drunk, speaking nonsense!”
Xiang Lan nodded, forcing a smile, and stepped toward the study. Shuang Xi was startled and about to call out, but Ji Xiang pulled him back, shaking his head.
Xiang Lan pushed open the study door. The room was dark and cold, with only candlelight visible in the inner chamber. Standing outside the curtain, her whole body trembled at the thought of seeing Lin Jin Lou again, her heart nearly jumping out of her throat. Taking a deep breath, she lifted the curtain to see the room still luxuriously furnished with red gauze windows, lotus cushions, and a small crimson table by the kang bed.
On the table, sandalwood incense burned behind a mica screen. Though still lavish, the atmosphere was gloomy and heavy, with the smell of alcohol thick in the air. Lin Jin Lou was reclining on a mandarin duck couch beneath the carved window, propped against a pair of silk brocade pillows, wearing a loose silk robe with his chest bare, still clutching a wine jar.
Hearing movement, he turned irritably, starting to curse, “Who the hell dared to…” Seeing who it was, his body instantly froze. He immediately looked away, his broad shoulders tensing as he took several deep breaths before grinding out through clenched teeth: “What are you doing here? Didn’t you leave?”
“Yes, I left,” Xiang Lan felt her voice hoarse as she spoke softly with a lowered head, “I… I have something to tell you. If you want me to leave after hearing it, I will.”
Lin Jin Lou turned back, staring intently at Xiang Lan. He lifted the wine jar for a drink, his expression calm but his gaze sharp and cold: “What is it?”
Xiang Lan was silent for a while, as if carefully choosing her words, or perhaps gathering courage. Finally, she spoke: “There are things I’ve kept in my heart for a long time without saying… I was unhappy from the first day I became a maid in the Lin household. In those years, I cried more than I laughed. Despite knowing I should accept the many grievances and hardships when faced with them, how could I not be affected? For a time, I felt so dispirited that I didn’t want to speak at all, feeling hopeless and lost. But after experiencing troubles, I came to my senses and told myself to live each day well. Even if things don’t get better, time shouldn’t be wasted. Perhaps tomorrow will be harder than today, but even in the hardest times, one should still be a good person. Walking step by step to today, looking back at these years, it seems I’ve been transformed, very different from before…”
Lin Jin Lou closed his eyes, scenes from the past flashing rapidly before him. He said softly, “I didn’t know you suffered so much in your heart… So you still hate me?” He gave a self-mocking laugh and took a deep drink, seeming to hate both Xiang Lan and himself even more. He shouted “No wonder…” and violently threw the wine jar, which shattered against the wall with a crash.
Xiang Lan was startled, but stepped forward: “Please let me finish.” After a pause, she continued: “Do you remember the first time I left the Lin family for the Song household? I felt the sky was blue and the water clear, carefree, and singing every day. But this time when I left, I felt no such liberation, just existing day by day, merely surviving…”
Xiang Lan’s eyes reddened as she revealed her innermost feelings to Lin Jin Lou for the first time: “I don’t know why I feel this way. You weren’t originally a good man – always forcing and pressuring me, commanding and bullying, tyrannical and unreasonable, philandering and lustful, always mistreating me… I just wanted to leave for a peaceful life, but I can’t find joy in such a life anymore. I’ve become a different person, all because of you.”
By the end, her voice was breaking. Lin Jin Lou remained expressionless, just lifting another wine jar to drink repeatedly. Xiang Lan wiped her tears with her sleeve and took a breath: “These years have been full of hardship. Just when things would start looking up, I’d fall into an abyss again. Perhaps after too much disappointment, I gradually learned not to hope for too much. Deep down I wished things would get better, but I always felt good things wouldn’t happen to me. So I simply stopped expecting from the beginning to avoid disappointment later – just like… just like when you said you loved me.”
Her lips trembling, eyes brimming with tears, Lin Jin Lou became a blur before her. She tried desperately to see him clearly but couldn’t: “I’m of humble birth, and likely cannot bear children in the future. Given time, it would all be wrong. I fear that just as things get better, fate will overturn everything again. I’m truly afraid, not wanting to suffer for decades to come. I… I love you too, but I dare not and cannot say it, as if saying it would doom me forever.”
As she spoke, she couldn’t hold back her sobs, tears falling like raindrops. “I don’t know what to do, but when I heard you injured your leg, my heart felt like it was being fried in oil. I had to come to see you quickly. I knew I had to come back in the end…”
The room fell silent.
Xiang Lan kept her head down. Having finally spoken the words buried in her heart, she felt somewhat lighter, but then pain and bitterness filled her heart again as Lin Jin Lou remained silent. “After half a year, he’s probably tired of me,” Xiang Lan thought dully, her whole body trembling, barely able to stand. Feeling embarrassed, she forced back her sobs and woodenly said while looking down: “Since Master is fine, I, I…” The words “I’ll leave” stuck in her throat.
Suddenly, a tall dark figure blocked the light in front of her. A pair of boots entered her view, startling her. She quickly looked up, tears streaming down her face. Through her tears, she couldn’t make out Lin Jin Lou’s expression, but his steps were unsteady as he grabbed her. He seemed unable to stand, burying his head in her embrace and sliding to his knees, as if those few steps had crossed thousands of mountains and rivers, leaving him exhausted beyond endurance.
Xiang Lan could no longer speak, just letting tears roll down her face as she reached out to stroke his neck and shoulders. Lin Jin Lou’s body jerked, and he suddenly stood up, cupping her face in his hands. In the candlelight, his expression was like one who had just fought a desperate battle with thousands of troops – full of pain and passion, almost grotesque with emotion he could barely contain: “Do you know how I’ve spent these six months?” He gritted his teeth, though his hands were gentle as he wiped her tears. “I felt barely human anymore, truly wanted to strangle you!”
Before Xiang Lan could respond, Lin Jin Lou pulled her into his embrace, his bronze chest and iron arms making her seem like fragile silk. His strength was incredible as he roughly caressed her as if she were a small cat: “I already regretted how I treated you before, but what kind of heart do you have? I said I would love you properly and treat you well, so why did you still run? Even if you can’t bear children, it’s not such a big deal. The Lin family doesn’t rely on me alone for heirs. I’d rather suffer myself than let you suffer. This life is yours – how could you not understand my heart?”
Lying in Lin Jin Lou’s arms, Xiang Lan felt both grief and relief hearing these words, crying even harder: “You were just trying to send me away…”
“I was almost angry to death, truly thought I’d never see you again, who knows what nonsense I spoke… If I wanted to send you away, why would I search everywhere for you? Just try leaving again and see.”
Xiang Lan sobbed, “How can you be like this…”
“Like what?… Fine, fine, it’s all my fault. Stop crying, I’ll treat you well from now on, truly.” As he spoke, he lowered his head to kiss her lips, murmuring, “Let’s get married quickly, right away, so you won’t be able to leave even if you want to…”
Xiang Lan could hardly breathe as Lin Jin Lou kissed her fiercely and painfully. She pushed him slightly, about to speak, but he effortlessly lifted her into his arms and carried her to the kang bed, pressing down on top of her.
Xiang Lan’s face was already red as she struggled to say, “Wait…”
Lin Jin Lou’s hands had already pulled open her collar, glimpsing the rouge-colored undershirt beneath the white gauze, set against a hint of snow-white skin and a subtle fragrance. His eyes turned red as his hands explored and kneaded, kissing her delicate face and pink neck while breathing heavily: “Can’t wait, missed you for six months, I’d die waiting longer.” Between kisses, he asked: “Did you miss me, hmm? Quick, tell me, did you miss me?” As he spoke, he entered her, his whole body trembling as he clenched his teeth, unable to speak further. Xiang Lan’s brows furrowed as she moaned, burying her face in the thick bedding, her hands weakly clinging to Lin Jin Lou’s back. Lin Jin Lou’s muscles bulged as he moved more vigorously, sweat rolling down his forehead. Xiang Lan felt dizzy, her body trembling as she saw stars, while Lin Jin Lou collapsed into the crook of her neck, breathing heavily.
When Xiang Lan came to her senses, she suddenly realized something was wrong and struggled to ask: “Your leg? Wasn’t it injured?”
Lin Jin Lou, like a satisfied big cat, smiled triumphantly and pinched her nose: “Silly girl, that was just to trick you. How else could I get you to come back? How else could I get you to say you love me?” He chuckled again: “You love me, I heard it. Tomorrow I’ll hang a golden plaque outside, and write a poem to hang in this room. I’ll remember today for the rest of my life.”
Xiang Lan was dumbfounded, overwhelmed with shame and anger, her face burning red as tears fell again. She pinched and bit at Lin Jin Lou, crying: “How could you! Still bullying me…”
Lin Jin Lou smiled as he restrained her hands and leaned down to kiss her: “I only bully you because I care about you. Others wish for my attention, but I won’t give them the time of day. This is my way of loving you, truly.” He propped himself up and peppered her face with kisses, stopping her mouth with his own.