Shu Nian raised her hand to cover the cheek he had just kissed, sniffling, and stammered in rebuttal: “It’s not about that…”

Her eyes and nose were red, like a wronged little rabbit. Because of this sudden kiss, Shu Nian’s sad mood was diverted in an instant, and not knowing what to say, after holding back for a long time, she only managed to say: “Why did you kiss me?”

Xie Ruhe tilted his head and asked, “Am I not allowed to?”

“It’s not that…” Shu Nian pursed her lips, feeling a bit dazed, and immediately forgot what she wanted to tell him just now. She shifted her gaze and thought seriously for a moment, then after a while, she said mildly, “It’s fine.”

Then, she added gloomily: “But I’m too ugly right now, don’t kiss me now.”

As soon as she woke up, she felt pain in her face and neck. She touched them herself and could feel that half of her face was swollen. Even without a mirror, Shu Nian could imagine what she looked like.

Hearing this, Xie Ruhe lowered his eyes and stared at her, his features softened by the lamplight, looking focused and gentle.

Shu Nian avoided his gaze.

The next second, Xie Ruhe leaned in, lowered his head, and met her timid and self-deprecating eyes. He paused, then gently kissed her eyes, asking, “Didn’t you just say it was fine? How did you change your mind so quickly?”

“…”

“No changing your mind.” His tone seemed as if he was scolding a child, but without harshness, more like coaxing and persuading. Xie Ruhe’s lips moved downward, pressing against hers, and he said indistinctly, “I want to kiss you now.”

Shu Nian didn’t want to sleep, and Xie Ruhe didn’t coax her to sleep either.

Because of that intimate gesture, she no longer had that feeling of inferiority, nor did she tell Xie Ruhe not to date her anymore as she had just now. She just sat quietly at the head of the bed, barely making a sound.

All the while listening to Xie Ruhe talk to her.

Xie Ruhe wasn’t a talkative person. He didn’t know what to say, and at this moment, what he was telling her was mostly about things that happened when he was in France, most of which were dull and uninteresting, or about the thoughts and inspiration for creating songs.

These topics were probably boring for her as well.

But he just wanted to divert her attention, to keep her from thinking about those things.

This sudden ordeal had drained Shu Nian’s energy. Now her eyelids were drooping as she listened attentively to Xie Ruhe speaking, yet she also seemed extremely tired. She didn’t want to fall asleep, so she sat up a bit straighter.

After thinking for a moment, Shu Nian stared at a spot in the air, her eyes somewhat vacant, and suddenly interrupted Xie Ruhe’s words, speaking up on her own.

“If, in the future, you find you can’t take it anymore.”

Xie Ruhe froze his Adam’s apple bobbing, not saying a word.

Shu Nian finished her sentence: “You can just tell me directly.”

“…”

“Whatever your decision is,” Shu Nian didn’t cry again, rubbing her eyes hard, and said in a hoarse voice, “I will be very grateful to you.”

Xie Ruhe immediately understood what she meant, and said seriously: “I won’t.”

Hearing this answer, Shu Nian was silent for a moment, then suddenly brought up something: “I should have told you before, I dated once before, Xu Zeyuan once.”

Xie Ruhe’s lips straightened, and he gave a slight “Mm.”

Knowing that bringing up Xu Zeyuan to him wasn’t particularly good, but due to fatigue, Shu Nian’s thoughts weren’t very clear. At this moment, she just wanted to express all her thoughts, the thoughts she had held back for a long time, to tell him everything.

“At that time, after I was rescued by the police, there was a period when I didn’t go to school.”

“…”

“I was recovering in the hospital.” Shu Nian’s pace was very slow, pausing for several seconds after saying a few words, as if thinking, “Also, I had to give statements. They would come repeatedly to ask me how I was captured, what happened during that week, what Zeng Yuanxue did to me.”

Xie Ruhe held her hand, listening quietly.

“So many people came to ask.” Recalling what happened at that time, Shu Nian suddenly became irritated and said gloomily, “Why did they make me say it so many times? I had already told them, why did they keep asking?”

Xie Ruhe said: “They were wrong.”

“Then,” Shu Nian continued thinking, “Xu Zeyuan came to see me once during this time.”

Xie Ruhe asked: “To comfort you?”

Shu Nian sniffled: “He saw that I was hurt and felt unhappy. I think he comforted me, I don’t remember very well. I just remember he came only that one time.”

“…”

“Later, after I recovered, I went back to school.” Shu Nian said, “When I got back, I found out that during the time I was missing, my classmates at school were all forwarding news about my situation. People who knew me all knew, and even those who didn’t know me, knew that a girl from the Broadcasting and Hosting department had been missing for a week.”

“They all thought I was miserable, that I was pitiful. Missing for a week, captured by a man, they thought I must have been raped.”

Shu Nian stated calmly: “Then Xu Zeyuan came to break up with me.”

“He told me that he knew I was brave, that I didn’t care about these things. He said I could calmly face the police’s questions, and probably even face going to court without changing expression in the future, and that I would also think nothing of hearing other people’s rumors.”

Shu Nian’s eyes welled up with tears again, “He said he couldn’t handle it, he admitted that he was cowardly, that he couldn’t bear other people’s gazes.”

“But I wasn’t brave at all.” Shu Nian held back her tears, “I was scared every day.”

Every time she recalled it, she felt terrified.

Thinking about having to go to court, and having to see Zeng Yuanxue again, Shu Nian couldn’t sleep peacefully for a single day.

But the reason she endured the fear and cooperated with the police and lawyers time and again was only because she hoped Zeng Yuanxue would be sentenced to death. She couldn’t accept a suspended death sentence or life imprisonment.

It was the first time in Shu Nian’s life that she hated someone so much.

As long as he existed in this world, she couldn’t sleep peacefully day or night, and even if she fell asleep, she would wake up in terror. She feared he would come back, drag her back to that dark house, and torture her in all sorts of ways.

If only he died.

Then perhaps all those fears would disappear with him.

That’s what Shu Nian thought.

But it didn’t happen that way.

Although she had escaped from hell, for a long time afterward, due to psychological issues, she lived every day beside Zeng Yuanxue, in that traumatic week.

Those memories kept recurring like shackles imprisoning her.

“Why do they say such things about me?” Shu Nian truly couldn’t understand, “I wasn’t raped, but hearing such words still makes me feel terrible. But what if I had suffered such treatment?”

“Do they think I should feel ashamed? But I’m the victim, why should I feel ashamed?” Her eyes reddened as she said word by word, “I was hurt, it wasn’t my fault.”

Why should it be?

The ones who should truly feel ashamed are the perpetrators, those who pour salt on the victim’s wounds.

Not her.

After saying such a long speech, Shu Nian’s strength was completely spent, her voice becoming slower and softer: “I’m terrified when I have an episode. If you want to leave me in the future, you can tell me.”

The corners of Xie Ruhe’s eyes reddened, and he forced a smile.

“I see.”

“I’ve recovered on my own before.” Shu Nian seemed to be self-hypnotizing, “So you don’t need to worry, I don’t think I’m disgraced, I won’t be devastated if you break up with me. I will recover.”

Xie Ruhe kissed the back of her hand: “This time, I’ll be with you as you recover.”

She didn’t respond anymore.

Her eyelids had closed, and she fell asleep with a furrowed brow.

Xie Ruhe didn’t make another sound, smoothing out her furrowed brow.

He sat beside her, watching her quietly.

In his memories, Shu Nian was always brave.

She wasn’t afraid of adults’ scolding, wasn’t afraid of classmates’ teasing, wasn’t afraid of strange-looking insects, wasn’t afraid of walking alone at night. Apart from ghosts that didn’t exist at all, she wasn’t afraid of anything.

In the classroom, when she heard female classmates scream in terror because of a bee that suddenly flew in, she never thought they were making a fuss, never felt their fear was incomprehensible just because she wasn’t afraid.

She would actively help them drive away the source of their fear, then gently comfort them.

Telling them not to be afraid.

After seeing the wound on his head when Xie Ji hit him with a cup, she wanted to tell Xie Ji that what he did was wrong, even though she knew she might get hurt.

She still went ahead without hesitation.

But she was also timid and fearful.

She would cry out of fear because of a psychopath, get angry at him, tempt him with candy, and make him take her to school. She was afraid of getting hurt, carefully avoiding the dark places of this world.

That period of fear only occupied a very small portion of her long life.

But now, it had become her daily life.

That Shu Nian who loved the world.

From fearless to fearful of everything.

Afraid she might wake up in the middle of the night, Xie Ruhe didn’t dare leave, sitting on the sofa beside her for the whole night.

The next day, as soon as it was light, Shu Nian woke up. She sat up, still in poor spirits, as if she hadn’t fully come to her senses, looking around in confusion.

Xie Ruhe was awakened by her movement and opened his eyes. With his long arms and legs, sitting on this small sofa all night wasn’t very comfortable. Now he instinctively stretched.

Shu Nian paused and asked in a small voice: “Why did you sleep here?”

Xie Ruhe didn’t answer, changing the subject: “What do you want to eat for breakfast?”

Shu Nian shook her head: “I’ll go wash up.”

She climbed up, suddenly noticing the clothes she was wearing, froze for quite some time, and then looked blankly at Xie Ruhe. Shu Nian’s face instantly turned red, and she stammered: “You shouldn’t have changed my clothes…”

Xie Ruhe was also startled, his ears instantly burning: “I didn’t, I asked the auntie to help you change.”

Shu Nian pulled down the clothes she was wearing, her expression somewhat embarrassed. But she was also afraid that Xie Ruhe would misunderstand her meaning and explained awkwardly: “I don’t mean I’m rejecting you… I just feel that it’s not quite right if we’re not married yet.”

“…” Xie Ruhe looked away, “I understand.”

One stood on the floor, the other half kneeling on the bed.

They remained awkwardly silent for a while.

Shu Nian felt something wasn’t quite right and added in a small voice: “I’m not implying that you should marry me either…”