Five years—how many more sets of five years will it take before I can see you again? Didn’t you say you wanted to set sail with me across the seas? Didn’t you say you wanted to travel the world with me? Didn’t you say you wanted to see what the countries beyond the great sea were like? Do you know that one day at the Persian Gulf, I saw a man in Han Chinese robes wearing a blue shirt, and I thought I had finally found you? So I shouted and rushed forward, but when that person turned around, it was a completely unfamiliar face. That was the first time I cried since deciding to search for you. All hope seemed to shatter at once. I knelt on the beach and wept for two days. When I awoke, half my body was already soaked in the sea, and I nearly got swept away by the waves. I thought, if I were swept away like that, it would probably be good—perhaps heaven would open its eyes and wash me to your side.
Qin Zhiyan, on that last night you once said that I was the strongest person in the world, that no matter what happened, I would be strong enough to endure it. But you don’t know—I can only be strong when you’re by my side. Because I know that no matter how wounded and scarred I become, there will always be someone waiting behind me. Someone to wipe my tears at night, take off my shoes, dress me in thick clothes, stand in front of me when the wind blows, hold me when it snows, and when darkness falls, light a lamp for me at night, waiting for me to come home.
Now that person is gone. I’ve lost everything. So even if I’m soaked pale by seawater, even if I’m buried by yellow sand several times in the great desert, no one will frown with heartache anymore.
Qin Zhiyan, Qin Zhiyan, I miss you so much. I want so much to see you, to hear you speak, to smell your scent. I want to follow you wherever you go—whether to life or death, I just want to follow you. Being by your side, even if trembling with fear, even in painful despair, would be better than this bewildered helplessness, waiting for distant hope.
The great desert was deathly silent. Black giant birds circled in the sky. The thick smoke from torches rose high, drawing sorrowful traces across the sky. The woman’s body was so thin, like a solitary blade of grass. The corners of her eyes gradually moistened, but no tears fell. She lay on her side in the desert with open eyes, gazing so gently at that fluttering prayer flag. If gods and Buddhas truly existed, then please bless him to live healthily and wait for me, wait for me to find him. Someday, I will find him.
Five days later, Qing Xia and Longge finally emerged from Dragon Tooth Desert. To the north lay the Xiongnu territory of the northern frontier, and to the east, the Central Plains. The two stood at Yumen Pass. Qing Xia returned everything that belonged to him and, leading only her white camel, prepared to enter the pass.
“Hey!” Longge suddenly called out. “I still don’t know your name!”
Qing Xia turned back to look at this man who had traveled alongside her and said, “Call me A’Xia. That’s what the people in the west call me.”
“A’Xia,” Longge suddenly grinned and said, “My name is A’Shu—Longge A’Shu. If you ever need anything, come find me on the grasslands. If someday you can’t find your man, come find me instead.”
Qing Xia glanced at him and turned to leave.
“A’Xia!” Even after entering the pass, she could still hear Longge shouting from afar: “I hope you find him soon!”
After three years away, everything inside the pass seemed unchanged—still crowded with people, shoulder to shoulder. Qing Xia led her camel through the crowds, her face veiled, looking like a woman from a foreign land. After walking about half an hour, she passed a restaurant. Qing Xia handed her camel to the servant at the entrance, went inside to find a relatively quiet table, randomly ordered some dishes, and sat quietly, gazing casually out the window.
“Have you heard? The Great Emperor of Xichuan has died, and his three nephews are all rebelling to fight for the throne. Prince Le and Prince Hong have already reached the capital, and Prince Lu has occupied the Bailu Plains area. It seems he wants to ally with Northern Qin.”
A rough voice suddenly rang out, disturbing Qing Xia’s thoughts.
The man’s voice seemed deliberately lowered but cleverly controlled so everyone nearby could hear. As soon as he finished speaking, he indeed attracted most people’s attention. Another man in gray cloth said, “Really? Allying with Great Qin’s Emperor Jiyuan—isn’t that seeking death?”
“Who says it isn’t?” The black-clothed man who spoke earlier frowned and said, “After Emperor Jiyuan ascended the throne, look how he slaughtered the northern Xiongnu. If not for Guli A’Shu holding things together in North Xiongnu, the entire Xiongnu lineage would probably be extinct. Prince Shou back then only reduced the power of Great Qin’s aristocratic clans, but Emperor Jiyuan, in less than three years since ascending the throne, has slaughtered the clans completely, leaving none alive. His methods are even more ruthless than the Great Emperor of Southern Chu. I think we should prepare to become subjects of a fallen state.”
“Hehe,” another person joined in, “No matter who becomes emperor or rules the world, we just need to live our lives. As long as they don’t close the borders or block the Western Region routes, even if the sky turns upside down, it’s none of my business.”
As soon as he finished speaking, everyone burst into laughter. The black-clothed man said, “Exactly. How those big shots want to make trouble has nothing to do with us, as long as they don’t fight endlessly like Eastern Qi, with continuous warfare and forced conscription. They can fight however they want.”
“But I think this war won’t be so easy to start. General Yan Hui still commands the eastern camps. Ordinary people probably can’t break through.”
“That’s hard to say,” the black-clothed man said. “It depends who’s doing the fighting. Have you forgotten the battle at West Black Grasslands two years ago? General Yan Hui’s two hundred thousand troops were charged and routed by less than fifty thousand of Chu Emperor’s Black Guards, chased all the way to Piandong City. Less than two thousand returned alive—what a disaster. Though it was because Prince Lu delayed the battle timing and held back General Yan, who knows if it wasn’t because Yan Hui lacks ability? He’s unmatched against small guerrilla forces, but when facing the Great Emperor of Southern Chu, he’s useless—hard to say.”
“The Great Emperor of Southern Chu has been too prominent these past two years. His armies penetrated deep into Nanjiang territory, charging back and forth several times, slaughtering the Nanjiang people completely. His territory has more than doubled, and taking advantage of Eastern Qi’s turmoil, he recovered the vast territories around White Jade Pass. Not simple at all.”
Another person said, “Looking at the current world, only Emperor Jiyuan can compete with the Chu Emperor.”
“Waiter,” Qing Xia suddenly stood up, took her bundle, and walked over, saying, “Wrap up the food—I’ll take it with me.”
“Ah?” The waiter was stunned and said, “Miss, it’s about to get dark, and within a hundred li radius, there are no other inns besides ours. Why don’t you rest here tonight and continue your journey tomorrow?”
“No need.” Qing Xia said sternly. The waiter had no choice but to wrap up the food for her to take on the road.
Qing Xia first went to a horse and carriage shop. The shopkeeper had changed, and after hearing Qing Xia’s explanation, he flipped through account books for a long time before finding the record. He said in surprise, “Miss, you’ve been gone three years! When Boss Lu left, he specifically instructed me about this. I never expected to actually wait for you—this is wonderful!”
Qing Xia thanked him: “The shopkeeper is very thoughtful.”
Then the boss led her to the back courtyard to get the horse. From afar, they could see that black horse standing in the stable. After resting for three years, it had grown quite fat. Hearing Qing Xia’s voice from a distance, it raised its hooves and neighed joyfully.
Qing Xia walked over, patted its neck, and finally smiled gently, saying, “You’ve gotten so fat—can you still run?”
The black horse shook its head and constantly pawed the ground with its hooves, looking quite indignant, as if planning to immediately run to show her. The boss said nearby, “We wanted to take it out for walks when we had time, but your horse has too fierce a temperament. My son was kicked by it several times and doesn’t dare approach it anymore.”
Qing Xia smiled, untied the black horse’s reins, took out a gold ingot and handed it to the boss, saying, “Shopkeeper, that camel I left outside—please take good care of it. I may come back for it someday, or I may never return. But please don’t mistreat it, and don’t sell it to passing caravans or merchants. If I don’t come within three years, take it outside the pass and set it free.”
The shopkeeper was an honest man. Seeing such a large gold ingot, he immediately panicked and said repeatedly, “That won’t do, that won’t do! This gold ingot of yours could buy my entire shop. Caring for one is caring, caring for a group is also caring. Besides, you already gave quite a lot last time.”
“Please accept it. You’ve taken very good care of my horse—consider it my thanks.”
Stuffing the gold into the shopkeeper’s hands, Qing Xia led the horse and walked out of the horse and carriage shop.
The border town wasn’t large. In a short while, she had left the city and taken to the main road. This horse was the one she had ridden away from Chu Li’s camp outside Xianyang City back then. Qing Xia had later ridden it around the interior for two years of searching, and they had developed good understanding between them.
Thinking of the words of those customers in the inn, the pale woman’s eyes slightly narrowed.
Finally, he had become a monarch of great talent and bold vision. Someone like him was probably meant to stand on high and be looked up to by others. She heard that he had established an empress five years ago and dismissed his harem—perhaps he had truly found the woman he loved.
Some things had finally become the past. These five years of sleeping outdoors and traveling in all directions had gradually settled her heart. The confusion, hesitation, and helplessness of her youth had slowly distanced themselves from her life. Perhaps it had really just been youthful recklessness. After the great waves washed away the sand, as a sovereign of his generation, how could he be obsessed with that past?
Zhuang Qing Xia was gradually no longer young. Though she still had the same face, that heart had become so weathered.
She bent down, gently patted the black horse’s neck, and said softly, “Let’s go home.”
The warhorse neighed loudly, suddenly reared up, and galloped like lightning toward the east. It was still May weather—willow branches budding, spring returning to earth—exactly when Qin Zhiyan had left back then.