After graduating from high school, Gu Yan chose to study abroad in Liverpool. She changed her WeChat and phone number and deactivated her Weibo account. She didn’t add any high school classmates to her WeChat moments, keeping only a few close high school friends. During that time, she rarely saw any news about him and didn’t deliberately seek information.
Until after the Spring Festival, when she received a message.
She had just left the dance studio. Liverpool had just experienced a light snowfall, with snowflakes drifting down onto the elegant, old English buildings. Through the window, she could see an aged clock on the building opposite, seemingly frozen in time, much like her heartbeat at that moment.
She distinctly remembered the time shown on the clock face – a cold, rigid right angle.
Nine o’clock in the evening.
It wasn’t entirely unexpected. After that graduation night, seeing the reluctant yet restrained look in Chen Luzhou’s eyes when he looked at Xu Zhi, Gu Yan knew it was only a matter of time for them. She just didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. She thought he wouldn’t be in such a rush. She also knew that boys could be very possessive, and when faced with a new environment or feeling threatened, they would immediately want to secure the relationship. Several of her previous suitors, usually quite aloof, would hastily try to define the relationship when they sensed a rival.
But Gu Yan didn’t think Chen Luzhou would feel threatened by anyone. She knew from high school how arrogant Chen Luzhou could be. His arrogance wasn’t about being dismissive of everyone; rather, the way he maintained boundaries with other girls made people feel that he understood relationships but simply wasn’t interested in them. He never gave out ambiguous signals to anyone.
Yet, this only made people more intrigued, wanting to date him, to see him humbly coaxing someone, to hear his breathless, passionate sighs in bed.
In her memory, that young man never seemed capable of such things. He was always cool and clean, not easily fooled; always sunny and cheerful, and never pretending to be confused when he understood.
So how much must he like someone to date them at this restless age and post such a message on his moments?
The caption read: “Flipped, well, I give in.”
“Flipped” was a movie Chen Luzhou had shared on his moments before. Its Chinese title translates to “Sudden Heart Flutter.”
The screenshot was sent to her by a high school friend. Chen Luzhou’s moment’s background was still the familiar Neuschwanstein Castle, his profile picture unchanged, and his WeChat name those two letters. Gu Yan didn’t dare imagine that if such a person became her boyfriend, she would probably go crazy showing him off in her moments.
But later, when she accidentally saw Xu Zhi’s moments on someone else’s phone, there wasn’t a trace of flaunting her boyfriend. Most of her shares were about her design drafts and articles on architecture.
Gu Yan remembered one post from Xu Zhi:
“Finally got praised by the teacher for having a spark of talent. Haha, I feel like I could work for the motherland for another 500 years!”
Below, several of their former friends had replied:
Zhu Yangqi: “Forget 500 years, my buddy is worried sick. He says if you keep pulling all-nighters like this, he might end up living as a widower for 50 years.”
Li Ke: “Take care of yourself, Xu Zhi. Here’s a friendly reminder: have you noticed your hair thinning lately?”
Chen Luzhou didn’t reply, just liked the post.
Xu Zhi did respond to Li Ke, “Really? Did Chen Luzhou say that?”
There were no more replies after that. Perhaps they resolved it privately.
Gu Yan could imagine how lively and carefree their life must be.
It was at that moment that Gu Yan suddenly realized, that perhaps only a girl like Xu Zhi would make Chen Luzhou feel he wasn’t losing out. What he needed wasn’t an admiring girlfriend, but one who could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him, always attracting him.
Perhaps this comparison isn’t quite appropriate. At that not-yet-mature age, the only way Gu Yan could think to measure relationships was in terms of gain and loss.
Chen Luzhou couldn’t lose out; otherwise, she would feel dissatisfied no matter who he was with, and might not be able to resist messaging him.
But it was Xu Zhi, and Gu Yan could only swallow her petty, bitter emotions. She could never forget what Xu Zhi had said to her that night at the barbecue restaurant after graduation:
“Let’s hope that we girls can aim higher. After all, we still have vast, solid ground beneath our feet, and so many places we haven’t been to yet.”
And so many people we haven’t met yet.
Gu Yan knew that was the unspoken second half of Xu Zhi’s sentence. She could even imagine that even without Chen Luzhou, Xu Zhi’s boyfriend would be equally outstanding, perhaps not inferior to Chen Luzhou. It was just that this boy had a special filter in her life. At that time, she was full of hostility towards Xu Zhi, but Xu Zhi didn’t reciprocate.
Xu Zhi even knew that she liked Chen Luzhou and that she had the upper hand with him at that time, while the boy Gu Yan had liked for so long had feelings for her. Gu Yan had thought about it from Xu Zhi’s perspective – if their roles were reversed, she would have made Xu Zhi feel uncomfortable that night.
But Xu Zhi didn’t. Even knowing that Gu Yan had written an embarrassing little essay to Chen Luzhou on WeChat, she didn’t deliberately assert her claim to make Gu Yan uncomfortable.
After hearing Xu Zhi say those words, Gu Yan suddenly recalled what Chen Luzhou had once said when rejecting her:
“Gu Yan, you get up at five every morning to practice, it’s so hard on you. Your whole body is aching. It’s such a loss for you to hang around me without any commitment. Focus on your acting, and win an award for the country, I’d admire you more for that, rather than sending these useless signals my way. It’s just not interesting. Really.”
He truly found her uninteresting, and if she were to write that little essay, it would be even more so.
At that moment, a sense of defiant pride welled up inside her. Indeed, the world is so big, surely she could meet someone even better. She immediately deleted the little essay, feeling that she had been too impulsive. At the time, she thought Xu Zhi was a bit aloof, and that her words were pretentious. It wasn’t until later, when she recalled that night countless times, that she began to feel immensely grateful to Xu Zhi.
At least, at the very least.
In their age of turmoil and impulse, Xu Zhi didn’t make her lose face. Perhaps she couldn’t make Chen Luzhou fall for her, but maybe in some future year, when she wins an award and stands on that dazzling stage, that boy might feel proud too.
Although she knew Chen Luzhou probably wouldn’t, at least, at the very end, when this chapter of youth and open love came to a close, she maintained her dignity.
Later, during the winter break of the second year, when Gu Yan returned to Qingyi for the New Year, she encountered them once on the snack street near the school. She first noticed Zhu Yangqi, because he always had a string of odds and ends hanging from him, jingling and clanging. Back then, when Chen Luzhou came to their classroom looking for Zhu Yangqi, he didn’t even need to look; he could tell if Zhu Yangqi was there just by the sound.
At that time, there was a short-haired girl next to Zhu Yangqi. She looked neat, and tall, and wasn’t from their school. Later, Gu Yan learned that the girl was Xu Zhi’s friend, named Cai Yingying.
They were standing in the bustling crowd buying wheel cakes, their relationship not particularly harmonious, still bickering with each other.
“Zhu Yangqi, are you sick? Who eats wheel cakes with cilantro?”
“You even eat cilantro cake, is there anything you can’t eat?” Zhu Yangqi stood at the neighboring stinky tofu stall and asked the owner for two bowls of cilantro, full of resentment. “I fell for your tricks. What did you give me for my birthday? Is that cake even edible?”
“Didn’t you eat it?”
“That’s pig food.”
“You are a pig anyway.”
“Well, that’s fine then. Your surname is Cai, mine is Zhu. Why don’t we just make do with each other?”
“Didn’t I tell you? It’s not good. People will say a good cabbage got rooted by a pig. How unpleasant.”
“I’ve discussed this seriously with my dad. I can change my surname too. I can take my mom’s surname.”
“Your dad agreed?”
“Yes, he did.”
“What did you say to him?” The girl took the wheel cake from the vendor, asking incredulously.
“I just said, ‘Dad, the girl I like says my surname isn’t good, I want to change it.’ My dad said, ‘Change your mother’s.’ I thought, yeah, why not take my mom’s surname? See how quick my dad is.”
The girl: “…”
Gu Yan couldn’t help but curl her lips, and in the next second, she saw a familiar figure walk out of a nearby snack shop. That superior physique was particularly eye-catching in the crowded flow of people. He seemed to have grown a bit taller, still wearing those familiar simple brand clothes. He always had only those few colors on him – black, blue, gray, white in various free combinations, loose and comfortable. For a long time, whenever Gu Yan saw boys on the street dressed in a similar style, she couldn’t help but look up for a second glance. But she never came across anyone quite like him. Not to mention his looks, just that personality – Gu Yan knew she was unlikely to meet anyone similar.
“Done yet?” he asked.
“Almost, almost. Just two more,” Zhu Yangqi turned and said. “Why did you come out? Where’s Xu Zhi?”
“Still eating. Buy her two red bean ones.”
Zhu Yangqi: “Didn’t she say she wanted to eat taro flavor earlier? Why so fickle? Could it be that… you know?”
Chen Luzhou directly kicked him, “Are you sick?” After saying that, he couldn’t be bothered with Zhu Yangqi anymore and lowered his head to say to the girl beside him, “Cai Yingying, you guys go in first. I’ll get her two red bean ones.”
The girl took the wheel cake in her hand, turned around and also kicked Zhu Yangqi’s butt, then ran off: “Learn from Chen Luzhou! You big fool.”
Zhu Yangqi immediately chased after her, trying to pull her hair. “Damn, Cai Yingying, haven’t I been good to you? What’s so good about that dog Chen Luzhou to learn from? You didn’t see how he tricked Xu Zhi. Don’t be fooled by his barely passable looks. Let me tell you, that dog is quite the flirt in private.”
“If Chen Luzhou is just barely passable in looks, Zhu Yangqi, you’re just a barely passable pig!”
“Bullshit, I’m much more handsome than him. When we were kids, all the elders said I looked better than him, more festive!”
“You think that’s a compliment? Idiot.”
…
Gu Yan stood by the roadside at that time, watching intently as he went against the flow of people to buy wheel cakes for Xu Zhi. She didn’t even notice the heat in the corners of her eyes, the sourness in her heart uncontrollable. She knew this man would always be attractive to her, but she also knew that she could only be a spectator, reliving her old dream on this street full of youthful memories, watching the end of this story from afar.
No one noticed her in the sea of people.
After Chen Luzhou finished buying the last two-wheel cakes for Xu Zhi and went into that shop, Gu Yan finally came to her senses and continued walking. Passing by the shop where they were gathering, she didn’t intend to greet them or make her presence known but instinctively glanced inside.
Their group was sitting near the entrance. It turned out it wasn’t just Zhu Yangqi and that girl; Li Ke, Jiang Cheng, Hang Sui, Da Zhuang, Da Jun, and even Zhang Yu were there.
Chen Luzhou happened to be sitting in a chair facing the street, with Xu Zhi next to him. Chen Luzhou was leaning back in his chair, one hand resting on the back of Xu Zhi’s chair, head lowered, earnestly listening to Xu Zhi talk. Occasionally, he would lean his head back against the chair, laughing uncontrollably, his eyes helpless, as if she had exasperated him to the point where he had no way to deal with her. He couldn’t bring himself to pick her up and give her a good thrashing. However, when he raised his eyes, he unexpectedly met Gu Yan’s gaze.
Gu Yan thought he would avoid her, pretending not to see her, but to her surprise, Chen Luzhou gave her a slight nod, a gesture of acknowledgment.
At that moment, Gu Yan couldn’t help but mock herself inwardly.
How could he avoid her?
He had always been open and aboveboard.
Across from him, Zhu Yangqi noticed his gaze and asked without turning around, gnawing on a chicken foot, “Who is it?”
Chen Luzhou, still casual and at ease, jutted his chin slightly and said matter-of-factly, “Gu Yan.”
It was at that instant that Gu Yan suddenly felt her eyes grow hot with tears. The person she liked hadn’t looked down on her even after that extremely embarrassing secret diary of her crush had been exposed. He had respected her from beginning to end.
At that moment, she truly envied Xu Zhi.