“Fuer, my wife. In my letters past, I would always begin with ‘seeing my words as seeing my face,’ yet I hope this letter will never need to be opened before your eyes. It is not that I don’t miss you or wish to see you, but if you see this letter, it means I have failed, breaking my promise to you and the vow I once made.
“I remember our parting in midsummer when you were so dejected. Unable to bear it, I whispered to you that I would soon bring you back with me. At that time, I still harbored some hope, wishing that fate would grant us fulfillment. Now it is autumn, and I sit alone in a remote corner of the southwest, in a shabby room with a dying candle, listening to the night watch drums urging the dawn. I know I can no longer deceive myself, so I take up my brush.
“Usually when I write, thousands of words flow effortlessly. Yet tonight, my ink congeals and my thoughts stagnate. Though countless words fill my heart, I know not how to commit them to paper.
“I still remember two years ago in Chengjiang Prefecture. That night, like tonight, I was staying alone at the post station, unable to sleep in the deep night. I rose to read by lamplight when suddenly I heard you calling my name. Thinking it a dream, I opened the door, and there you were—disheveled, barefoot, hair in disarray, like a frightened rabbit. You rushed to me and threw yourself into my embrace, unwilling to let go for the longest time. Then, I was inexplicably shocked, thinking it was bizarre. But now looking back, that night marked the beginning of my life’s joy, vivid in my memory, your scent lingering.
“Since childhood, I’ve read the hundred schools of thought, absorbed the teachings of the sages, respected all, and kept my thoughts pure. Yet despite all my learning and propriety, you alone have been my undoing.
“I recall our months in Wuding, living under the same roof. You were mischievous in a hundred ways, which I disliked and often scolded you for. Yet dare I say, even then, wasn’t I secretly delighting in it without knowing? After our marriage, with silk curtains and fragrant warmth, whispering in our embroidered bed—looking closely, everything was good.
“The Han Book records how whenever Liang Hong returned home, his wife would prepare his meal and not dare to look up at him, always raising the tray level with her eyebrows—a story praised through the ages. But I do not envy Liang Hong. I love your willful charm and playfulness, and though it displeased me then, now I think of it as something I seek but cannot find. I fear that in this life, I’ll never again see your coquettish manner, never hear you call me ‘Big Cousin’—only now do I know regret, deep in my marrow.
“My father once taught my brothers and me in our youth, saying a gentleman doesn’t change easily, follows the right path, and observes propriety. I once believed this deeply, but today I finally understand: the hardest thing in the world is not how to act as a gentleman, but how to choose between you and righteousness.
“I have broken my word, failing to honor my promise to bring you south, disappointing your expectant waiting. Tomorrow I must set out to do what must be done, a matter that may cost my life. Yet I walk into danger not for empty praise, nor because I love others more than you, but because a person standing between heaven and earth has duties that cannot be shirked.
“This matter today is my duty, unavoidable, though I have ultimately failed you.
“My dear, you once ran to me seeking my protection. Today there is no solution that allows me to fulfill all obligations, and I have failed you thus. If one day you hear news of my demise, you must not harm yourself, nor futilely rush about. My crime, in the eyes of the emperor, is unforgivable.
“In this life, though I have held high office, I am merely a broken vessel with a dark, humble background—my mother ill-fated, my youth notorious—an ill-omened person. Yet you did not reject me, accompanying me for two years. In life, these years were enough to savor joy; in death, it is merely fate. My only regret is that I can no longer protect your happiness. Fortunately, I have made arrangements. Though I cannot personally protect you for the rest of your life, you should be able to live peacefully, without fear of being victimized. This is the last thing I do for you.
“Attached is a letter releasing you from our marriage. Since I am leaving you today, from now on, you need not think of me. Your virtuous nature is moving; should you meet a good man, you may form a new union. If I learn of it, I will smile in contentment, sending distant blessings for your happiness. My ink is spent. Take care of yourself, my dear.
“Written by You’an at the fourth watch of the night on the twenty-seventh day of the eighth month.”
Pei You’an’s letter had two parts. One contained this content, while the other was the divorce letter, which Jiafu had torn up and discarded that day.
She didn’t need to look at these pages again. Every word and sentence was already etched in her mind.
It was after receiving this letter that Jiafu finally understood. That night before he left, he had already prepared to say his final farewell to her. But at that time, she was so immersed in the sadness of their impending separation, and then so moved by his comforting, that she was completely unaware of anything unusual. Later, when she learned from her brother about his instructions and arrangements before leaving, and then when Yuzhu arrived, everything piled up together, and she finally sensed something ominous.
But all her uncertainty and suspicion, before seeing that letter, were just premonitions, still allowing room for hope.
The moment the letter arrived, as deep as Jiafu’s worry and anxiety had been, so great were the anger and heartbreak that followed.
She would keep this thing carefully, and when she met him, she would throw his writing back in his face, making him eat every single word!
It was with such anxiety, worry, and anger and heartbreak that could not yet be vented—and had nowhere to be vented—that Jiafu traveled day and night, weary from the journey, and finally arrived at the capital, at the Pei residence.
The Pei residence was still the same, but in just a short half year, this time when she returned, it seemed to have become something else entirely. The gatehouse and front hall had scattered servants;, some were shirking work, others gossiping. When they suddenly saw Jiafu and her people enter, they hurriedly came to welcome her, but their expressions subtly carried something different, very unlike before. Jiafu went straight to her own courtyard, sent someone to inform Madam Xin that she would pay respects after changing clothes, and then sent Liu Mama to gather information. In no time, Liu Mama returned, her face alarmed, saying that somehow, after the master left Quanzhou, he had not gone to the southwest. The man seemed to be in the capital, yet he hadn’t shown his face. Then, half a month ago, it was rumored that he had angered the emperor, and was stripped of his position and rank. Someone saw him early one morning, escorted by two old soldiers through the city gate, sent north.
Jiafu’s heart pounded chaotically.
Although Pei You’an in that letter had not mentioned what “duty that might cost his life” he was doing, she had a feeling it must be related to Xiao Yu.
Only involvement in such a matter would make his crime “unforgivable in the eyes of the emperor.”
Her legs weakened, but quickly, she steadied her mind.
In his letter, between the lines, it was evident everywhere that Pei You’an had gone to do that deed prepared for the worst. And now, the emperor had not killed him.
Perhaps this was beyond his expectations, but Jiafu knew full well the reason for this.
Being dismissed from office was fine. Being sent north, she would fearlessly follow. Her only concern was his health.
In her previous life, he had gone to the frontier, where his old illness had relapsed. He had also very likely been secretly harmed by Xiao Yintang, finally dying in Suye City. In this life, even if Xiao Yintang could no longer harm him, the frontier was bitterly cold. With him alone there, how could she not worry?
She had finally rushed back, only to find he had already been sent north!
Jiafu suppressed the strong urge to set out immediately to follow him.
He had already been gone for over half a month. The north was so vast; she had no idea where exactly he had been sent, what route he had taken, or how the situation had unfolded.
She wrote a card of respects and had it swiftly delivered to Liu Jiushao’s mansion, addressed to Madam Liu. On her end, though deeply reluctant, she could only force herself to be composed, change into fresh clothes, and have the servants bring gifts she had brought from Quanzhou to Madam Xin’s quarters.
Zhou Jiao’e had given birth last month to a daughter and had just completed her month of confinement a few days ago. Madam Xin was now extremely cold toward her. Pei Xiuzhi, however, had regained his title of Duke using that iron token and seldom looked at her anymore.
When Jiafu entered, she happened to see Young Master Quan standing in the courtyard, throwing a handful of pebbles toward Zhou Jiao’e’s window. With a crackling sound like frying beans, several stones flew in, followed by the cry of an infant from inside, mixed with Zhou Jiao’e’s shrill scolding. An old woman opened the window and poked her head out. Young Master Quan turned and ran, but unexpectedly collided head-on with Liu Mama who was coming over. Liu Mama let out a cry and nearly fell backward, fortunately, Tanxiang was quick to steady her. Young Master Quan, being small, bounced off and landed on his bottom, immediately wailing loudly. The wet nurse and maids hurriedly came out, saw Jiafu, froze, called out “First Madam has returned” and then went to comfort Young Master Quan. Madam Xin, hearing the crying, quickly came out, scolding: “I told you to watch the young master carefully, and now you’ve made him cry again!”
The wet nurse and maid glanced at Jiafu, opened their mouths, but dared not respond. Young Master Quan, however, pointed at Liu Mama and shouted: “It’s this stinking old woman, she deliberately bumped into me!”
Madam Xin looked up, saw Jiafu, paused, and stopped, with a smile that was not quite a smile.
Jiafu suppressed her disgust for the child and said: “Mother-in-law, I’ve just arrived home and come to pay my respects. My mama was walking with me, and just as we entered, we saw Young Master Quan throwing stones into that room’s window. After throwing them, he ran and crashed into my mama. She’s elderly and frail and nearly fell over, but fortunately, someone caught her. I didn’t expect Young Master Quan to fall as well. How unfortunate!”
Madam Xin didn’t say anything. A pretty young woman of seventeen or eighteen, unfamiliar to Jiafu and not dressed like a servant, emerged from behind her, staring at Jiafu and her entourage.
“It’s this stinking old woman who bumped into me! She did it on purpose! Grandmother, you must avenge me!” Young Master Quan lay on the ground, throwing a tantrum.
“Get up!”
A shout came from behind. Jiafu turned to see Pei Xiuzhi hurrying over. Upon approaching, he sternly rebuked the young master on the ground.
“You bumped into someone first, yet you throw a tantrum and make false accusations! Get up and go kneel in the ancestral hall to reflect on your behavior!”
Young Master Quan immediately stopped his tantrum and slipped behind Madam Xin.
Madam Xin frowned and said: “Enough, enough. I’ll take him inside and discipline him properly.” She then had someone take Young Master Quan back to his room. Just then, Zhou Jiao’e ran out from her room carrying a crying child, sobbing: “You think I have no one to support me, everyone bullies me, throwing stones into my room! If you push me too far, I’m capable of anything! Oh, my poor, pitiful daughter…”
“…The old madam’s mourning period isn’t even over yet!” Zhou Jiao’e continued shouting toward them, “You think I don’t know, but now you’re already bringing people into the house—”
Months ago, Madam Xin had taken a concubine named Yun Niang for Pei Xiuzhi, using Zhou Jiao’e’s pregnancy as an excuse that she couldn’t serve her husband. Of course, with the old madam’s one-year mourning period not yet over, this concubine hadn’t been officially acknowledged.
Hearing Zhou Jiao’e’s outcry, Madam Xin’s face darkened, and she snapped: “What are you all standing around for? Take the Second Madam back to her room!”
As soon as she spoke, everyone rushed over. The maids and old women behind her persuaded, pulled, and pushed Zhou Jiao’e back inside, creating chaos.
Jiafu suppressed her disgust, made a bow to Madam Xin, had the gifts put down, and took her leave. Madam Xin’s attitude was cold, merely nodding. As Jiafu left the courtyard, she faintly heard an old woman’s whispered gossip behind her: “…A phoenix without feathers is worse than a chicken. Look at her, still acting like she’s something…”
Liu Mama heard it too and showed anger, stopping to turn back and confront them, but Jiafu stopped her and continued forward. As they neared the entrance to her courtyard, hurried footsteps sounded behind them. Pei Xiuzhi caught up: “Sister-in-law, don’t be sad about my elder brother’s situation. From now on, just stay comfortably at home. If you need anything, just let me know.”
Jiafu smiled faintly: “Thank you for your concern.” With that, she turned and entered, then had people deliver her things to the second branch of the family, though she didn’t go herself, only waiting for Madam Liu’s reply. By evening, Madam Liu herself had arrived by carriage. Jiafu welcomed her in, had servants bring tea and snacks, and with tears in her eyes said: “I just returned to the capital today and heard about those events—it was like a thunderbolt from a clear sky. I feel utterly helpless. Since Lord Liu has always been on good terms with my husband, I thought of you, madam. I originally just wanted to ask you for some information, to confirm whether the person sent north was indeed my husband. I didn’t expect you would disregard the trouble and come yourself. Please accept my bow of gratitude.”
Madam Liu quickly stopped her from bowing and said: “How can you be so formal with me, sister? If it weren’t for Lord Pei, my Liu family wouldn’t be where we are today. To tell you the truth, that person is indeed Lord Pei. But as for why he incurred the emperor’s wrath, even my husband doesn’t know. A few days ago, he went with the Marquis of An Yuan to see His Majesty, asking about this very matter, but not only did they fail to get an answer, but they were also reprimanded by His Majesty.”
Madam Liu sighed: “My husband truly cannot understand it. Later, we heard that His Majesty specifically issued an order that no one is allowed to accompany Lord Pei, not even servants, otherwise their punishment would be increased. Sister, what do you plan to do now?”
Jiafu wiped away her tears and said: “Everything must have a reason. Even if my husband truly committed a heinous crime deserving punishment, it should be made public so people can understand. Now, being sent north so unclearly, how can I be at ease? I wish to seek an audience with His Majesty. Could I trouble Lord Liu to present my petition to His Majesty tomorrow?”
Madam Liu readily agreed, consoled Jiafu further, sat a while longer, then hurriedly left. Jiafu couldn’t sleep all night. The next afternoon, Madam Liu visited again, saying that Liu Jiushao had already passed the message up, but the emperor had remained silent, and he dared not press the matter, so she should wait a little longer.
This wait stretched to seven or eight days with no news. Jiafu grew increasingly anxious and sought out Madam Liu again, asking Lord Liu to relay a message to Li Yuangui, hoping to meet with Li instead. Before they knew it, several more days passed without any response.
Just as Jiafu was consumed with worry, that day, Cui Yinshui from Li Yuangui’s household came, relaying: “My godfather asked me to tell the madam that His Majesty is still angry, so it’s not a good time for an audience. He asks the madam to be patient a while longer. After some time, when His Majesty’s anger subsides, my godfather will plead on the madam’s behalf.”
It was now the end of October. She had been back in the capital for half a month. During this half-month delay, Pei You’an had gone who knows where, and the weather here had already turned cold. The north would be even worse—heavy snow in November was common. Thinking of him all alone, not knowing if he had warm clothes, and knowing he wasn’t one to take care of himself, she wondered what state he was in now. Tears suddenly welled up.
Seeing her tears, Cui Yinshui quickly bowed: “Please don’t cry, madam…”
Jiafu turned her face away, silently wiping her tears. Cui Yinshui stared, feeling a pang of sympathy. He gritted his teeth, looked around to ensure no one was nearby, moved closer, and whispered: “Madam need not worry too much. My godfather was also concerned that Lord Pei might not withstand the northern weather, so without His Majesty’s knowledge, he secretly instructed the old soldiers to take special care of the lord. It’s just that this time, the lord angered His Majesty too severely, otherwise His Majesty wouldn’t have gone this far. Please wait a little longer, madam.”
Jiafu felt slightly relieved. But waiting for the emperor’s anger to subside—who knew how long that would take?
She stared blankly when suddenly, her mind recalled something. She quickly stood up, asked Cui Yinshui to wait, went over, and handed him the jade pendant that Pei You’an had once given as a marriage token. She said: “Please, Eunuch Cui, return and thank Eunuch Li on my behalf, then give him this item, asking him to pass it to His Majesty for me.”
Cui Yinshui peered into the pouch, and saw it was a jade pendant, but didn’t know its origin, and hesitated a moment.
Jiafu said: “Don’t worry, Eunuch Cui, there won’t be any trouble. Please help me.” With that, she bowed to him. Cui Yinshui exclaimed and quickly stepped aside, taking the item and saying: “Very well, I’ll pass it to my godfather for you. As for whether he’ll give it to His Majesty, I cannot say. Wait for news.”
Jiafu saw him out, spent another anxious night, and by the next evening, a palace carriage stopped at the Pei family gate. Cui Yinshui came again, saying the emperor had commanded Jiafu to enter the palace for an audience.