In my brief twenty-two years of life, I had never heard words that kept me awake for over a week straight. Even when I did manage to fall asleep, my dreams were a chaotic mess.
Once, I dreamed about Zhuang Xu. Though perhaps “dreamed about” isn’t quite right, since he never directly appeared in my dream. I was with Jiang Rui in Uncle’s small garden, confidently asking him, “How is it? We’re getting close, right? Give me your male perspective – if I confess now, what are my chances?”
Jiang Rui was even more confident than me. “You should have gone for it already. Why keep building up goodwill? My sister doesn’t need that!”
Then I was walking triumphantly down the path to find Zhuang Xu. That’s when the heat woke me up.
Sitting up in bed clutching my blanket, I was immensely grateful I’d decided to use an extra quilt that day. Otherwise, the scene of my confession being rejected would have played out next, I’m sure. I didn’t want to remember that scene at all.
Though at the time, I hadn’t felt embarrassed – I wasn’t even discouraged, remaining confident and immediately preparing for the next attempt. The real embarrassment and disappointment came after learning about his relationship with Rong Rong, after sending an apology text that went unanswered, after he coldly watched Rong Rong berate me, and with every moment that passed thereafter…
Come to think of it, I had carefully planned everything back then… Meticulously collecting information about him, asking his childhood friend about his hobbies, having Jiang Rui subtly inquire about what kind of girls he liked, lying in bed at night comparing myself to his preferences, alternating between smiles and worries…
Lin Yusen said he stayed up all night working on his annual plan…
Was it like this for him too?
I climbed out of bed, took out my phone, and scrolled through the photos and messages he’d sent me when I was in Shanghai. The Huangpu River at night, half a glass of wine on the balcony – scenes that had seemed unremarkable before now filled me with a bitter ache.
“Thinking about how to adjust the annual plan,” his message had read.
What was he feeling when he wrote those words?
And later, when he said “I’ll let you choose,” what was going through his mind?
I had liked Zhuang Xu so much before, but if someone asked me to go to him and say “Choose between me and Rong Rong,” I’d rather die than do it.
Lin Yusen, how could you say such words with such determination?
I put down my phone and slumped over my desk. Despite feeling overwhelmingly tired, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight either.
The result of sleep deprivation was a listless morning, though fortunately… the boss wasn’t in today. At lunch in the cafeteria, even the aroma of food couldn’t lift my spirits.
“Xiguang, you didn’t have another falling out with Deputy Director Lin at the Shanghai wedding, did you?”
I startled violently, dropping the food I’d just picked up onto the table.
Yin Jie was immediately distressed. “Oh no! How could you waste food like that? The braised pork is so delicious – if you don’t like the fatty parts, just don’t order it!”
Who said anything about not liking fatty meat… I was just startled by your words! Why bring up such keywords while we’re trying to eat in peace?
Yu Hua saw the fallen braised pork on the table and also gave me a reproachful look. “Exactly, if you think it’s too fatty, you could have given it to me and Yin Jie. The new chef’s braised pork is really good – better than many restaurants outside.”
“Well, they hired him with a high salary,” Yin Jie said through a mouthful of food. “Didn’t the company increase the meal allowance starting January first? Hey, since the company’s being so generous now, the year-end raises should be pretty good too, right?”
“Hard to say. I heard from the older employees that there was barely any raise last year.”
“But this year’s fourth-quarter performance has been so good, it should be different. Deputy Director Lin’s style is completely different from the previous leadership – look how much better the cafeteria food is now.”
“That’s not something he can decide alone, right? It needs headquarters’ approval.”
Seeing the conversation shift to salary increases, I secretly breathed a sigh of relief. But on the way back to the office after lunch, Yin Jie brought the topic back around.
“Xiguang, what did you do to offend the Deputy Director again?”
“…Nothing.”
“Then why did you run to the bathroom claiming stomach pain when he called you to take meeting minutes the day before yesterday?”
“And why do you keep pushing all the documents that need his signature to me?”
“Yeah,” Yu Hua chimed in, “Last time when we were in the elevator together and Director Lin got in, why did you suddenly stare at your feet? And why did you run out before we reached our floor?”
I wanted to ask why they were observing me so closely!
Can’t I just avoid exercising my heart unnecessarily?
I silently looked at them for several seconds, finally making the difficult choice between “silencing them” and “shutting them up.”
“How about we go out for dinner tonight? Squirrel-shaped mandarin fish and gorgon fruit?”
“Don’t try to change the subject! You don’t seem like you’ve offended the Deputy Director, could it be… Ouch! Why did you hit me? I hadn’t even finished speaking, you’re acting guilty!”
As Yin Jie was yelling, my phone rang. I walked to the side to answer it, and Dr. Fang’s indignant voice immediately came through: “Little Nie, treat me to dinner! I need to spill some tea about that bastard junior fellow – he said he’d help me write my thesis, but now he’s directly hanging up on my calls. He’s burning bridges!”
So that evening, I stood up Yin Jie and Yu Hua, sitting face-to-face with Senior Fang in a restaurant on Guanqian Street.
“That bastard! After all the help I gave him, he just hangs up on me whenever he wants! Little Nie, you must see his true face – human face but beast’s heart!”
“Making you stay in the hospital for ten days was his doing, not mine. I have good medical ethics.”
“…”
“And him forcing his way into staying at the hospital to discuss cases with us – though of course, he did help write medical records and discharge diagnoses… What else? Oh, eating together? You must know about all of these already, and I don’t need to mention despicable things like tricking you into attending your junior sister’s wedding, right?”
“…No need.” I hesitated for a moment, “But, Senior Fang… are you here to spill tea?”
Dr. Fang blinked and let out an “Oh!” “Little Nie, you’ve improved after hanging out with my junior fellow, not bad!”
He showed no embarrassment at being exposed, smiling as he said, “I’m purely bored, and besides, with the way he’s acting now, I’m worried it will affect the spirit of my thesis, you know what I mean!”
…Actually, I don’t quite understand. Does a thesis have a spirit?
I poked at the fish head I had accidentally picked up. “He… told you?”
“That guy’s such a closeted romantic. If he hadn’t needed my help, he wouldn’t have even told me about chasing girls. As for the current situation, does he need to say anything?”
Senior Fang hummed disapprovingly, “Call him and all you get is one word – ‘busy’ – then he hangs up. He’s too ashamed to face everyone.”
So there were people to face…
Senior Fang looked at me curiously, “Little Nie, if you’re not satisfied with my junior fellow, your standards must be quite high.”
“…”
Why am I discussing my love life with Lin Yusen’s senior fellow here? But somehow, seeing Senior Fang’s gossipy, silly demeanor made it feel completely natural.
“Benefits require paying insurance premiums first,” I said softly.
In this world, nothing makes people more uneasy than getting something without working for it.
“What benefits? What insurance premiums? Little Nie, I can’t understand what you’re saying anymore. This profound feeling – you’re becoming more and more like my junior fellow.”
“…Senior, have some fish!”
I eagerly used the serving chopsticks to give him some squirrel-shaped mandarin fish.
Senior Fang ate incredibly fast. After two bowls of rice, he put down his chopsticks with satisfaction and said, “Well, I have the night shift today, so I won’t see you off. I’ve sent a message to junior fellow – he’ll come replace me to take you home in a bit.”
I was dumbfounded for quite a while: “Senior, you’re being too obvious…”
Senior Fang showed no shame as he said, “Really? Oh sorry, we surgeons are so precise in operations that in daily life, we tend to be simple and direct. You’ll get used to it!”
As I listened to his nonsense, I suddenly sensed something and looked up, immediately spotting Lin Yusen walking through the noisy dining hall toward us.
Senior Fang followed my gaze, looked back, and then turned to me again with a clicking sound. “See that? My junior fellow – back in the day, he could capture hearts across the whole cafeteria just carrying a lunch box. Though he’s a bit older now, he hasn’t lost his charm, has he?! Little Nie, think about it – if you catch him, all our medical school senior and junior sisters would be jealous of you from miles away. Wouldn’t that be exciting? Thrilling?”
“Senior, stop scaring her.”
Along with that gentle voice, Lin Yusen had already reached us, his light grey coat inadvertently brushing against my hair that draped over my shoulders.
I suddenly felt the entire atmosphere change.
He took off his coat and draped it over the chair next to us, sitting down gracefully: “I haven’t eaten yet. Mind if I finish what’s left?”
“Little Nie’s treating today, if she doesn’t mind, I don’t mind.”
I quickly shook my head, then started staring at the fish head in my bowl, seriously contemplating how to eat it.
Before I could figure it out, Senior Fang wiped his mouth and left. Lin Yusen ate silently as if he were starving. Well, it made sense – with the year ending, company matters were already numerous, there were some issues with the factory expansion, he had to go to Shanghai headquarters for annual meetings, and with Director Zhang not handling anything, he was incredibly busy…
If he wasn’t so busy, I wouldn’t have been able to avoid him so successfully…
“Let’s go.”
“Ah… okay!” I quickly stood up, reaching for my wallet, but Lin Yusen’s hand pressed down on mine.
I instinctively looked up at him, making eye contact for the first time today.
Though it was just a brief moment, I suddenly noticed many details I hadn’t before, like how his eyelashes were surprisingly long, making his eyes seem particularly bottomless.
“I’ll pay.”
“But, I was treating Senior Fang today…”
Those bottomless eyes gazed at me, “I used to joke around with you before, but now everything’s out in the open. How could I let you pay?”
I didn’t know how to respond, silently withdrawing my hand. I watched him swipe his card to pay, then followed him out of the restaurant.
The cold air and bustling atmosphere hit us simultaneously.
I shivered slightly, and Lin Yusen glanced at me, “My car isn’t far.”
“Oh,” I responded.
After walking a few steps, Lin Yusen said, “I didn’t know he was going to find you today. Don’t take what he said too seriously.”
Don’t take it seriously?
“He said I didn’t need to stay in the hospital for ten days back then.”
Lin Yusen made a small “ah” sound and smiled, “So he came to tattle on me.”
“Was it really like that?”
“Yes, I was desperate then and couldn’t care about medical ethics. I agreed to all sorts of unfair conditions.”
Again, I was at a loss for words. I’d severely underestimated Lin Yusen’s frankness and… shamelessness. I’d thought he’d at least show some embarrassment. But then I suddenly remembered myself from long ago – when you like someone, aren’t you just as frank and direct?
I couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like if I’d met Lin Yusen first.
Would I have fallen for him at first sight?
Would he have liked me first, or would I have liked him first?
With both of us being so direct, would we have clicked immediately…
That probably would have been nice…
“I wish I had met you first.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. How did I unconsciously voice my thoughts? The words were quite inappropriate.
Really, why do I keep acting strange whenever I encounter Lin Yusen?
Sure enough, Lin Yusen fell into a long silence. The streetlight cast shadows across his face, making his expression particularly deep and unreadable. Feeling uneasy, I deliberately changed the subject: “Are you helping Senior Fang write his thesis?”
He waited a moment before answering, his tone somewhat distant: “Yes, his thesis is related to a topic I researched before. I’m just giving some suggestions.”
I suddenly remembered a long-standing question, “Does Senior Fang know about your…”
Lin Yusen quickly caught my unfinished meaning, still speaking distantly: “He knows. When I had that car accident on the highway, his hospital was the closest, so they took me there directly.”
I suddenly felt annoyed with Dr. Fang.
“And he still asks you to write his thesis!” Isn’t that like rubbing salt in the wound?
He turned his head slightly, surprised, then suddenly smiled, dispelling the gloomy atmosphere, “I’m facing my life as someone with damaged hands. Being precious about it for over a year is enough – should I be precious about it forever?”
I was slightly stunned.
This person always effortlessly emanated a kind of charisma that touched people’s hearts.
“I’ve been reflecting these past few days,” he sighed slightly and said, “I was too impulsive that day. I scared you.”
He suddenly jumped to this topic, and my pretense of naturalness immediately vanished. I stumbled over my words, “N-no, you didn’t.”
“How could I not have? It’s only been a few days and you’ve already got dark circles under your eyes.” His gaze was both gentle and self-reproaching, “Xiguang, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things when you weren’t prepared. If I’ve troubled you, I apologize.”
I stopped abruptly, staring at him blankly.
These words sounded so familiar, just like… what I had once said myself.
—I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were with Rong Rong. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have said those things to you. I hope I didn’t cause you any trouble.
Suddenly, a wave of heartache hit me hard.
The most unnecessary apology in this world is apologizing for your feelings.
“Don’t say that!”
How could I tell him that his love was precious? Although I didn’t dare accept it, I treasured it, respected it, and was moved by it. My restlessness and sleepless nights were because I couldn’t repay it, not because I was trying to avoid it.
But being as inarticulate as I am, I could only repeat, “Don’t say that.”
He seemed stunned for a few seconds, probably shocked by my reaction. A trace of frustration appeared on his face, and he seemed somewhat at a loss, “Alright, I won’t say it. But, what did I say? You’re about to cry. Are you always this tearful?”
“Don’t apologize.”
“Okay, I won’t apologize. I just… saw how hard you were trying to avoid me,” he smiled, “I won’t do this anymore, I promise.”
“Then will you stop avoiding me too? It’s tiring for you, and it’s exhausting for me to cooperate with your avoidance.”
Huh?
So my successful evasion these past few days wasn’t because of my clever tactics?
He gave a wry smile, “Running to the factory and Shanghai every day – I can’t think of any more excuses to go to Shanghai tomorrow. How about you stop running too?”
I was suddenly filled with guilt and nodded messily, “I won’t anymore.”
“Really?”
I nodded again.
“Then, will you work overtime with me today?”
I was nodding… halfway through, “What?”
I finally found my rhythm with Lin Yusen again through our “routine” overtime work. That night, I finally stopped having insomnia and had a wonderful sleep.
Looking at myself in the mirror the next morning, my dark circles had disappeared. I seriously considered how likely it was that I’d developed overtime work addiction – why did I look healthier after working overtime but listless without it?
The day was busy as usual.
Lin Yusen hadn’t been in the office for several days, and work had piled up. He spent the whole morning sitting behind his desk. I could see his tall figure through the glass window whenever I turned my head.
Of course, I wouldn’t turn my head for no reason.
I had plenty of work too. In the morning I worked on budgets, and in the afternoon, the prizes for the annual meeting arrived. I went downstairs with a colleague from the logistics department to check the prizes.
The logistics colleague was called Little Duan, and we were fairly familiar with each other. He counted the items while I checked them against the list, chatting as we worked. As we talked, Little Duan suddenly mentioned a movie, “I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but I heard it’s really good. It’s about to stop showing, this Saturday I…”
“That movie isn’t suitable for her.”
A mild voice suddenly spoke up beside us.
Little Duan and I turned our heads to see Deputy Director Lin Yusen standing behind us with several department heads.
Everyone’s eyes focused on him as he continued with perfect composure, “Last time at the cinema, she fell asleep halfway through.”
Me: “…”
Great, now everyone’s attention shifted to me, except for Lin Yusen’s.
As if he hadn’t just said those two sentences, he paused briefly before continuing toward the elevator, still discussing work with the department heads beside him, “Talk with the construction team, the drainage system plan needs to be revised…”
If it weren’t for the department heads’ absent-minded expressions, I would have thought those two sentences were just my imagination.
They quickly left.
Little Duan and I were left staring at each other, until finally, he laughed awkwardly: “Did you fall asleep during that movie?”
“Yeah.”
And… leaning on his shoulder.
“I just wanted to ask if you’d seen it and if it was good. I was thinking of watching it with my girlfriend on Saturday.”
“It’s not bad. At least the first half was good. I fell asleep because…”
Because the presence beside me was too comforting…
After finishing checking the prizes, Little Duan went back upstairs to call people down to move the items. I stayed to guard them and double-check the records, making some notes.
For a while, I was the only one at the office building entrance.
After writing some notes, I stopped and stood there alone. As I thought about things, I couldn’t help but smile.
Suddenly, someone slapped me hard on the back.
I turned around to find Yin Jie throwing herself at me, “Ahhhh, I’ve heard everything! Nie Xiguang, if you deny that Deputy Director Lin is pursuing you again, I’m ending our friendship!”
Just as Lin Yusen said, his pursuit of me wasn’t a burden, nor was it something to hide. Even if I hadn’t let go yet and couldn’t accept it, there was no need to be so hesitant and evasive.
I had once bravely pursued someone – why couldn’t I be equally brave about being pursued by someone?
I let out a long sigh as if suddenly releasing some unknown shackles that had appeared in my heart.
Yin Jie was still shaking my arm, demanding an answer. I smiled at her, and facing her expectant gaze, carefully pronounced two words—
“Guess what?”