I left the new factory through the side door of the meeting room, walking along the passage between the new and old factory buildings. Though I’d had a vague premonition before coming, when everything happened, it still felt so absurd and surreal.
Was he saying that he had harbored the same feelings for me that I once had for him?
He… liked me?
How laughable.
What kind of affection would be so difficult to express?
What kind of affection would make the other person feel constantly disliked?
The opportunity for answers seemed right before my eyes, but I found myself completely uninterested, only wanting to distance myself from all of this.
In the distance, the enormous setting sun hung in the gap between the old and new factory buildings, about to sink below the horizon. For a moment, only my footsteps echoed in the empty passage. Just ten more meters and I would be out of the corridor. I unconsciously quickened my pace, but at that moment, urgent, heavy footsteps came rushing from behind.
My heart skipped a beat.
The footsteps grew louder and closer, suddenly right behind me. Before I could react, someone grabbed my wrist forcefully from behind.
“Nie Xiguang.”
I was yanked around by tremendous force, and Zhuang Xu’s pale, gaunt face incredibly appeared before me again. His hair was disheveled, his chest heaving violently.
“Nie Xiguang,” he called my name again.
“I’m sorry, I know I did many things wrong, I had many misunderstandings about you before. I’ve always wanted to make amends. I thought we could start over when I got to Shanghai. I thought there was still time. But you disappeared right after graduation. I couldn’t find you anywhere. I thought you’d gone abroad. I only changed my Nanjing phone number last month. But you said it, at graduation, you said Big Grape would come back.”
He spoke in disjointed sentences, still panting from running, his eyes fixed on mine with a desperate, reckless determination that had broken free.
I was momentarily flustered, unable to process his meaning, only wanting to wrench my hand free. “Let go of me.”
He ignored me, even gripping my wrist tighter. “I know I shouldn’t have come. You’re with someone else now. When I was sick, I told myself countless times not to come to court humiliation. I hate losing more than anything in life. But, Nie Xiguang, I’m already in ruins – how much more can I lose?”
“You think I’ve gone mad, don’t you? Of course, I have, otherwise, how could I not hold back? I would have held back. Nie Xiguang, I’ve been holding back all along. But why did you have to tell me that during New Year’s, you weren’t together yet? How am I supposed to accept all this?! Why am I always missing my chance? This world isn’t fair to me, you aren’t fair to me.”
“What does it matter whether you can accept it or not?!” I finally shouted, using all my strength to wrench my hand free. I stepped back, leaning against the wall, watching him warily.
Our eyes met, and he looked down at his hand, seeming to flash with pain.
I calmed down slightly. “At New Year’s, why did I ‘lie’ to you – can’t you try to remember? Surely an elite investment banker isn’t that forgetful?”
“I don’t know why you think you like me – is that what you’re trying to say? If so, for me, this would take a long time to understand. But none of that matters. I already have a boyfriend, and I’m certain I want to spend the rest of my life with him, without any hesitation. So please maintain the distance of college alumni, and don’t say these inappropriate things to me.”
“Inappropriate?” He slowly raised his eyes, smiling bitterly. “You’re telling me this is inappropriate now? Weren’t you the inappropriate one in the beginning? Knowing full well it wasn’t suitable, yet so persistently forcing your way into my life, then disappearing completely after I surrendered. Since you could have been inappropriate before, why can’t I be now?!”
I couldn’t believe he would say this! Anger suddenly flared in my heart: “Stop deceiving yourself, Zhuang Xu.”
“Is finding someone that difficult? When the phone doesn’t work, are there no other ways? I felt your ‘love’ before too, but it was you, you who denied it with your own words. What right do you have to come running to me now saying these things? Don’t you find it ridiculous?”
“You say you had misconceptions about me – what right did you have to have misconceptions? Because of what others said? But we spent an entire summer and semester together. I did so many things, and said so many words – couldn’t you see or hear them? With your intelligence and emotional quotient, could you not understand? You just didn’t want to understand, you just took it for granted.”
“Big Grape – I didn’t know you meant me, but even if I had understood then, why should I have come back myself?!”
I glared at him fiercely, feeling sadness and resentment spread through my heart, my eyes even growing wet. But I knew this wasn’t for him, but for my younger self who had been so full of genuine feelings, passionate and honest yet completely misunderstood.
“So there was never any missed opportunity. Even if there hadn’t been that misunderstanding on New Year’s Day, I would still have chosen him. No, it’s not even about choosing.”
Even though he once told me he’d let me choose.
Through my glistening tears, I curved my lips into a smile. “When he appeared in my life when he honestly told me he liked me, there was no choice to make – I was certain to be with him.”
Zhuang Xu seemed stunned by my words, staring at me blankly. I blinked away the threatening tears, turned around decisively without another word, and left.
Walking quickly toward the sunset as I emerged from the passage, a right turn would lead to the main road back to the office area. But as soon as I stepped out and turned, I stopped in my tracks.
Not far ahead, at the main gate of the new factory, was a familiar car.
Lin Yusen’s car.
I broke into a run.
When had he come, and how long had he been waiting here?
On my way to the factory area, I had sent him a message:
“Bank A’s people are here for a post-loan inspection. One of them happens to be my college classmate Zhuang Xu. The section chief asked me to accompany them to the factory area. Just letting you know.”
He had replied quickly: “Okay, got it.”
Appearing so confident and trusting.
I hadn’t expected him to drive here to find me.
I ran to the car, and sure enough, Lin Yusen was sitting inside.
He was leaning back against the headrest, seemingly lost in thought, and didn’t notice my arrival at first. I caught my breath and tapped on the window before he turned to look at me, startled.
He lowered the window, and I looked at him, suddenly at a loss for words. Lin Yusen seemed to be too. After a few seconds of mutual silence, I spoke first: “Lin Yusen, I…”
“I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t trust you,” he interrupted with a faint smile. “I trust you, but I couldn’t sit still.”
In that instant, it felt like something had struck my heart violently. The pain filled my entire chest. I desperately wanted to say something, but I knew that at this moment, any words would be hollow.
“Could you come a little closer?” I asked him.
He leaned closer with a puzzled expression.
Still too far, but I couldn’t wait. I bent down, reached through the car window, and pressed a light kiss to his lips. Extremely quick and gentle, barely a touch before I pulled back, nearly hitting my head.
Pretending to be composed, I asked him: “Still feeling it?”
Still, feeling restless?
Lin Yusen gazed at me, and slowly, that faint smile at his lips finally spread to his eyes. “Not while sitting down.”
What?
Before I could react, Lin Yusen had already opened the car door and stepped out. His tall, slender figure stood before me, and then his long arms reached out, pulling me into his embrace.
I suddenly understood – I thought he would lower his head to kiss me, then tell me he wouldn’t feel restless standing either.
But he only held me in his arms, embracing me tightly, letting out a long sigh as his whole body seemed to relax.
“Now I’m completely at ease,” he said.
My heart instantly filled with an overwhelming bitterness, and I couldn’t help saying: “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing? You’ve already done more than enough.”
“Mm,” I responded softly, reaching up to hug him back.
Surrounded by his familiar, warm presence, my emotions gradually calmed.
The person holding me seemed to have gone still for a moment. I looked up, and his gaze was fixed on something behind me. Noticing my movement, he looked down and asked gently, “Is everything resolved?”
I followed his gaze and looked back, hesitated for a moment, then said: “I want to say a few more words to him.”
Zhuang Xu had emerged from the passage at some point. He seemed to have calmed down and stood at the exit, his gaze neither avoiding nor flinching as I approached, his back even more proud and straight. The setting sun shone on him, casting a long, lonely shadow at his side.
I stopped several steps away from him and said, “Zhuang Xu, you don’t love me. This isn’t what loving someone looks like – it’s just your illusion.”
I didn’t know how to express my meaning, so I described it in the simplest terms: “Love is wanting to give someone everything beautiful, being careful, afraid of saying or doing something wrong that would make them dislike you or misunderstand your feelings. It’s doing everything possible to make them happy, irrationally beautifying all their actions, never thinking badly of them.”
Zhuang Xu asked, “Is that how you are with him?”
I was silent for a long time, but finally said softly: “No, that’s how I was with you.”
His figure seemed to freeze for an instant.
“He never makes me feel like I have to be careful,” I told him. “Goodbye.”
I turned and ran back to Lin Yusen.