Jizhou. A small courtyard.
Li Chi sat in the yard, watching Shendia frolic in this familiar place, his thoughts drifting back to the old days.
Shendia lowered its head and pressed its nose to the ground, sniffing relentlessly, not leaving a single pit unexamined. Perhaps because so much time had passed, these pits no longer held its scent — but that didn’t stop it from being just as proud about them.
It would sniff one pit, then turn to look at Li Chi and Gao Xining, as if showing off.
See that? I dug this one.
See that? This one too. And this one. And this one as well.
Gouzi crouched on the low wall nearby, watching its beloved subject act so childishly, wearing the same cool, detached expression as always. It seemed to be telling Shendia with its eyes: What’s the point of digging all those pits? You still only use one to relieve yourself.
You lowly species bury your business in holes. I, a noble sovereign, relieve myself while flying.
“Aren’t those three being a bit much?” Gao Xining huffed.
Li Chi sighed. “They really are.”
Gao Xining pointed to the east wing behind her. “They’ve gone this far — can’t you, as a man, put up some resistance?”
Li Chi raised his hand and pointed to the west wing. “I tried. It didn’t work.”
At that very moment, the three old men were seated on the moon terrace, sipping tea. Each one stroked his beard with a serene smile — three faces, three expressions of grandfatherly benevolence.
Gao Xining turned to face them. “Could you possibly be any more outrageous? You’ve gone to extraordinary lengths just to keep us from our wedding night.”
Elder Gao coughed twice and said, “You’re a young lady. Show a little restraint.”
Gao Xining marched over to the east wing and pointed. “What is this? Tell me what this is — and then talk to me about restraint.”
A red paper sign had been pasted on the east wing. Written on it in large characters were the words: Bride’s Bridal Chamber. And as though fearing misunderstanding, a note in smaller script had been added below:
For the female party’s exclusive use.
The west wing that Li Chi had pointed to also had a red paper sign, bearing three characters: Groom’s Bridal Chamber. And, with equal thoughtfulness, a smaller note below read: For the male party’s exclusive use.
Li Chi sighed softly. “What those three elders have done is indeed a bit much… Just now one of them told me: ‘Is this stopping you from having a wedding night? We’ve simply given you separate bridal chambers.'”
Changemei Daoren looked at Elder Gao. “You explain.”
Elder Gao shot him a look, then stroked his beard with great gravity and launched into his explanation.
“This arrangement reflects two considerations. The first: it embodies the spirit of the new dynasty’s new ways. Have you not always said that men and women are equal? I worried that when guests arrive, they might criticize you — ‘Look at the Prince of Ning, who speaks of equality between the sexes, and yet there isn’t even a bridal chamber designated for the bride’s side. Why should only the groom’s family have one?'”
Elder Gao took a sip of tea and continued. “The second reason is to reflect our…”
He paused, then glanced at Changemei Daoren. “What was the second reason again?”
Changemei Daoren spat. “Those were your lines to memorize. How would I know?”
Elder Gao smiled with slight embarrassment — but he was the foremost scholar of this age. There were few in the world with deeper learning than him. Even if he’d forgotten his prepared words, a man of his erudition was never without recourse.
And so, after that briefly awkward smile, Elder Gao pressed on: “The second reason is to demonstrate our three elders’ impartial hearts. We could not prepare a bridal chamber for Diu’er alone while leaving nothing for Ning’er. In our eyes, you two are exactly the same.”
Changemei Daoren raised his hand in applause. “You’ve said precisely what was in my heart.”
He turned to Old Zhang Zhenren. “And you? Why so quiet?”
Old Zhang Zhenren sighed. “I only feel that, put that way, it would have been more dignified to have simply been shameless about it from the start.”
Changemei Daoren: “…”
Gao Xining stared at the words Bride’s Bridal Chamber — and then, despite herself, let out a laugh.
“How am I supposed to walk in there? What do I even say when I do?”
She looked at the three elders. “Normally there’s a proper ceremony — bow to Heaven and Earth, bow to the elders, then the couple bows to each other and is escorted to the bridal chamber.”
“But with two separate chambers,” she asked, “how would that work?”
She pointed at the sign. “The couple bows, and then I’m brought over here, and someone stands at the door to announce…” She put on a voice: “Bridal chamber — one female guest arriving!”
Li Chi said flatly, “And on my side: One male guest arriving.”
Changemei Daoren turned to Elder Gao. “How do you explain that?”
Elder Gao was the foremost scholar of the age, a man of boundless eloquence. He could produce an eight-thousand-character essay on any subject at a moment’s notice.
And so Elder Gao said, with great sincerity: “Perhaps… we should just be openly shameless about it…”
Changemei Daoren thought it over and nodded. “Returning to the source. Embracing simplicity. It speaks to our three souls having reached yet another elevated plane — a higher realization of the spirit…”
Old Zhang Zhenren rose to his feet. “I can’t listen to this anymore.”
Elder Gao sighed. “I’m nearly there myself.”
Gao Xining watched the three of them and shook her head in resigned amusement. She went and sat beside Li Chi. “Those three have truly exhausted themselves worrying over their children’s love lives.”
Li Chi said, “They have. And since our elders have gone to such lengths, we as juniors must repay them doubly in the future.”
Gao Xining: “How so?”
Li Chi: “By treating them doubly well, of course. For instance — if Shifu catches a minor cold, taking medicine would cure it, but that hardly shows how much we care. So when we see him with a slight sniffle, we should immediately begin making magnificent funeral arrangements.”
Changemei Daoren: “You ungrateful wretch…”
Gao Xining: “I must follow your lead. Filial devotion cannot be uneven. If Grandfather ever…”
Elder Gao shot to his feet. “Alright, alright — let us change the subject.”
Gao Xining raised her hand and pointed at the red sign on the east wing. “Changing the subject is fine — but I’d rather not have to look at that sign.”
Old Zhang Zhenren stood. “The children make a fair point. Allow me to resolve this.”
The other two old men shot him the look one gives a traitor — Wasn’t it because of you that we’re keeping them from their wedding night in the first place?
Old Zhang Zhenren rose and walked unhurriedly to the east wing. He reached out and peeled the red paper sign off.
Gao Xining: “Zhenren is remarkable!”
Old Zhang Zhenren gave her a kindly smile.
Then he carried the sign to the west wing and stuck it there. He peeled the west wing’s sign off, carried it over, and stuck it on the east wing.
Old Zhang Zhenren said, “You didn’t want that sign on that room — so I’ve moved it to the other room. Does that settle things?”
Li Chi said, “Zhenren, you do have a dear little disciple, don’t you? One who also hopes to marry and have children someday. And now that Zhenren has treated us this way, when the time comes, we two might just…”
He hadn’t even finished his threat when Old Zhang Zhenren said, with an expression of vast compassion: “Children and grandchildren find their own fortunes. That is not my concern.”
Gao Xining’s eyes went wide. “That ruthless?”
Old Zhang Zhenren: “Having a master such as myself, my disciple naturally possesses an awareness that his fate will be fraught with hardship.”
Changemei Daoren: “I envy you your fine disciple.”
Li Chi: “…”
Just then, a soldier came in from outside carrying a letter, and bowed upon entering the courtyard: “My lord, a military report has arrived from the Grand General in Yanzhou.”
Li Chi took the report and read it over, then grinned. “When it comes to being ruthless, Old Tang is second to none.”
He passed the report around for the others to read.
The Bohai Kingdom, left with no choice, had agreed to Tang Pidui’s terms. Eighty thousand able-bodied laborers had been selected; Old Tang had already dispatched them in batches to the northern frontier to rebuild the border fortifications. In addition, Bohai had paid eight million taels of silver.
In his letter, Old Tang wrote that looking at all that silver, he sometimes couldn’t help but feel sorry for the Bohai people. To scrape together eight million taels, they’d had to use coins of every shape and size — so small and scattered that it was clear they had truly been bled dry.
The Bohai Prime Minister Piao Henmeng and General Piao Henyong had been hanged by King Piao Pushan shortly after the Ning Army withdrew from their territory.
One campaign by Old Tang to Yanzhou had gutted Bohai’s strength at the root — it would likely take twenty or thirty years to recover.
Old Tang also wrote that he had already set out and was riding back at top speed to attend Li Chi and Gao Xining’s wedding in Jizhou.
Reading this, Li Chi sighed inwardly. Old Tang, Old Tang — you truly don’t understand those three elders at all.
He thought: You’re not rushing back to attend our wedding. You’re handing those three elders an excuse…
Sure enough, Changemei Daoren finished reading the letter and said, “It seems the wedding will have to be delayed a little longer. As you can see — Tang Pidui is rushing back. We can hardly have him miss it.”
Li Chi let out a long inward groan.
My master indeed.
Just then, Xiahou Zhuo came in through the door carrying an armful of freshly purchased goods. The moment he stepped inside and spotted the red signs on the two wing doors, he froze — then broke into helpless laughter.
“If only I had some way to preserve this scene… Oh, right — I just remembered.”
He turned to Li Chi. “Didn’t you say you paint exceptionally well? Come, paint this — paint both the Groom’s Bridal Chamber and the Bride’s Bridal Chamber right now.”
Li Chi: “…”
Xiahou Zhuo asked, “Which of our esteemed elders came up with this inspired scheme? I’ll toast him properly at noon — a gesture of sincere admiration.”
Old Zhang Zhenren nudged his chin toward Elder Gao.
Xiahou Zhuo blinked. “That doesn’t seem right… A trick this devious doesn’t seem like something Elder Gao would think of.”
Old Zhang Zhenren: “Scholars are the most treacherous of men. He is the most learned of scholars — therefore, the most treacherous.”
Li Chi glanced at what Xiahou Zhuo had bought. “What did you go out to get?”
Xiahou Zhuo: “Sedatives.”
Li Chi: “Hm?”
Xiahou Zhuo: “The three elders invited me for drinks a couple of days ago and gave me three hundred taels of silver. They asked me to find some way to drug you unconscious on your and Ning’er’s wedding day.”
“I thought about it — getting you drunk is too much trouble. Sedatives are faster, stronger, and more reliable. So today I made a special trip to the Shen Medical Hall. Their medicines are quite pure.”
Li Chi: “On behalf of my godmother, thank you.”
Xiahou Zhuo: “I’ve already done something like this — what do I need you thanking me on her behalf for? When the time comes, your godmother will personally dismember me.”
Li Chi: “Then why are you still doing it?!”
Xiahou Zhuo: “What are you talking about? Three hundred taels of silver. Can a person really be expected to turn down money for the sake of brotherhood?”
Li Chi sighed deeply and said, “Going forward… I feel the cultural values of our little group really do need to be re-established.”
Xiahou Zhuo: “Too late for now. Maybe later. The next generation might be a bit better than us.”
Li Chi: “I’m afraid that with us setting the example we have, the next generation will be even more shameless…”
Xiahou Zhuo: “Surely not… surely they can’t be worse than us… actually, they’ll almost certainly be worse than us.”
Li Chi turned to Gao Xining. “When we have children, those three cannot be the ones raising them.”
Gao Xining nodded emphatically.
Xiahou Zhuo scratched his chin in thought. “You two raising them… what difference would that make?”
—