Xun Xun walked out of the hotel, each step feeling weak and unsteady. The back of her head felt cold in waves, while her back was covered in a thin layer of sweat that made her shiver when the wind blew.
The expressionless people walking down the street were all fortunate. Everyone who hadn’t been caught in bed with their husband and rival was fortunate. Anyone except Zhao Xun Xun was fortunate… Yet even at this moment, she hadn’t forgotten that she needed to relieve Zeng Yu at the hospital this afternoon – her stepfather couldn’t be left alone. Just as when she left Chi Cheng, she hadn’t forgotten to ask the hotel’s front desk to bring her needle and thread, meticulously sewing the button back on. What a miserable life!
Looking back now, Xun Xun realized that what she had called caution was overlooking many obvious details. How did Chi Cheng meet Shao Jia Quan? He had been back from abroad for less than half a year; with his personality, how could things have progressed to the point of marriage discussions? And he kept talking about how he couldn’t forget Shao Jia Quan’s smile for three years, but counting from the day they met, it hadn’t even been three years.
Before leaving, she had asked Chi Cheng about this. Chi Cheng, still maintaining his shameless demeanor, smiled and said, “Instead of asking how long we’ve known each other, why don’t you ask how many times we’ve been together?”
Xun Xun hadn’t expected to get an answer from him. Often, it wasn’t others’ deception to blame, but her carelessness. If she didn’t bow down herself, others couldn’t ride on her head.
When she arrived at the hospital, Zeng Yu was using a device to massage Professor Zeng’s muscles. Seeing Xun Xun appear, she happily told her that after a week of medication, Professor Zeng’s eyes had shown conscious movement for the first time that morning, which the doctor said could be a sign of recovery. Xun Xun felt unexpectedly relieved, but one thing was one thing – this joy couldn’t lighten the unease and heaviness in her heart, not even by a fraction.
Zeng Yu continued adjusting the device. “I never knew such equipment existed before. Thanks to Lian Quan – I just happened to mention my father’s condition to him, and he not only remembered but went out of his way to buy this.”
“That’s thoughtful of him,” Xun Xun forced a smile.
“Yes,” Zeng Yu sighed. “When I think about it, it’s pathetic. All those men I once planned to spend my life with might not measure up to someone from a brief encounter.”
Xun Xun said, “Whether it’s just a brief encounter depends on how you define it. Since he’s not bad, don’t miss your chance.”
“I paid him back for the equipment,” Zeng Yu sighed. “Don’t laugh at me for being fussy, but some things are better kept clear. I often think that perhaps it’s precisely because we have no promises or vows that we get along so well. We maintain this relationship, and it feels good – we’re very happy every time we’re together. I’m afraid if we take a step closer, things might change.”
“What’s meant to change will change. If an apple has worms inside, putting it in a crystal coffin won’t stop it from rotting,” Xun Xun said.
Zeng Yu gave her a side-eye, “I hate hearing you talk like that.”
After sitting for a while, watching Zeng Yu pack up the equipment, Xun Xun suddenly asked, “Zeng Yu, tell me honestly, have I ever had amnesia… I mean, could something have happened in the past where I forgot people I loved or had grudges against?”
Zeng Yu said, “You’ve finally remembered – the truth is, you have a son who’s already in elementary school.”
“Really?” Xun Xun shuddered. Who did she have the child with? Could it be Chi Cheng? They would have been so young!
Zeng Yu responded with a “you poor thing” look, laughing in disbelief, “You believed that? Heavens, can someone tell me what housewives are thinking these days? Have you watched too many Korean dramas, or are you just too bored and need to create drama? Amnesia? I might as well claim I have intermittent schizophrenia. If you had amnesia, how could you remember the exact amount of money you stored with me down to the last digit?”
Xun Xun sheepishly accepted her merciless mockery. It was true – from childhood, if nothing else, her memory had always been good, which was why she excelled in liberal arts subjects. When she couldn’t solve a problem, she could at least memorize everything around it. She wanted to find an excuse for her current predicament, but she had to admit that she, Zhao Xun Xun, remembered every troublesome event in her twenty-eight years of life clearly. But if that was the case, where did Chi Cheng’s inexplicable obsession with her come from? Did she have to believe in love and hate without reason?
“That makes it even worse!” Xun Xun said dejectedly.
Zeng Yu started, leaning in attentively. “Hey, what’s wrong? You don’t have an elementary school kid showing up calling you mommy, do you?”
“What do you think would happen if I got divorced now?”
“Simple,” Zeng Yu said disappointedly, pursing her lips. “You’d just be another divorced woman.”
“Could I find happiness again?”
“Well, that depends on probability! Cinderella was such a mess, but she still met her prince… Then again, Cinderella was young. What do you call a woman who’s past her prime and has no advantages? Gray Lady? Gray Wolf?”
“Haha,” Xun Xun forced out two dry laughs, discovering that she still wanted to cry despite Zeng Yu’s playful banter.
Zeng Yu began to sense something was wrong and sat beside Xun Xun, asking what “great fortune” had befallen her. Xun Xun buried her head in her hands and brokenly described how she had gone to catch someone in adultery only to be caught in bed herself. Of course, she omitted several details, but it still left Zeng Yu deeply moved and amazed, rendered speechless with shock by the end.
Xun Xun broke out in another cold sweat while retelling the story.
“Do you think I’m unlucky?” she asked Zeng Yu.
Zeng Yu nodded honestly. “What can I say to comfort you?”
Xun Xun said woodenly, “Nothing unless someone more miserable than me is sitting in front of me, but I guess that’s even more unlikely right now.”
Zeng Yu advised Xun Xun that at this point, there was only one way out, one life-saving maxim: deny everything to the death! Since Xie Ping Ning hadn’t caught them in the act, and Shao Jia Quan hadn’t taken photos as evidence, verbal claims meant nothing. Although denying wouldn’t completely absolve her of responsibility, affairs had always been murky matters – only those involved truly knew the difference between “did” and “didn’t do,” between “accomplished fact” and “attempted crime.” Once admitted, there would be no turning back; denial still left a glimmer of hope. Whether or not divorce followed, at least she wouldn’t be pushed to the absolute edge.
Xun Xun remained silent. After seeing Zeng Yu off, she sat numbly by the hospital bed, lost in thought. She desperately tried to be more rational at this moment, to at least organize her thoughts and find even the tiniest thread of clarity, because even someone as pessimistic as her couldn’t imagine what lay ahead. However, she despairingly found that she couldn’t think at all. Whenever she closed her eyes, the flickering images were either Chi Cheng’s elusive smile, his moist breath on her neck as he panted, or the pearly button in his palm… Through the long night, Xun Xun remained sleepless. When she finally forced herself to try and rest briefly on the folding bed, she was startled to realize dawn had already broken, as Sister Yan Li quietly entered with steaming chicken soup.
Since Professor Zeng began his special treatment regimen, Sister Yan Li has been bringing chicken soup to the hospital every day. Of course, Professor Zeng was still unconscious and couldn’t eat or drink, but she firmly believed her husband would wake up, and she was determined that his first taste upon regaining consciousness would be his wife’s homemade chicken soup, welcoming him to his perfect new life.
Yesterday’s progress in Professor Zeng’s condition equally encouraged Sister Yan Li. She saw the dawn breaking – all the time, money, and energy spent before had been worthwhile. The moment Professor Zeng woke up would be when her bitter times turned sweet. Such intense joy left her no attention to notice the vacant look in Xun Xun’s eyes. Perhaps in her view, her only daughter had always been a strange child burdened with heavy thoughts. For everyone’s safety, Xun Xun naturally didn’t dare reveal anything to her, lingering in the hospital room for as long as she could before having to leave and face the reality she must confront.
The drive home passed too quickly. When she pushed open the door to what had been her home, it wasn’t yet fully light. In the dim, quiet space, only the old cat, startled from sleep, jumped up to greet her. Looking toward the living room, the bedroom door was open – not Xie Ping Ning’s resting style. He hadn’t come home last night, or had already left; either way, he wasn’t there. Even if it was self-deception, Xun Xun temporarily breathed a sigh of relief. Even for a death row inmate, stealing a moment before execution was better than nothing.
She relaxed her tense shoulders and wearily dragged her feet toward the bedroom. As she passed the sofa, she suddenly heard a familiar voice.
“You finally came back.”
Xun Xun nearly turned to stone in shock, mechanically turning her body to discover Xie Ping Ning half-sunken into the sofa. The bedroom sheets were as pristine as new, just as she’d left them yesterday – she wasn’t the only one who hadn’t slept all night.
She didn’t know what to do, just twisting the shoulder strap of her bag over and over with her fingers, shamefully discovering that her entire body was trembling almost imperceptibly.
“Xun Xun, would you please sit down?” There was no anger in Xie Ping Ning’s voice, only exhaustion.
Xun Xun obediently sat at the other end of the sofa. Face to face, she unconsciously held her hands in her lap, suddenly feeling like this was an interrogation.
“I waited for you all night, almost thought you wouldn’t come back,” Xie Ping Ning said with a bitter smile.
Xun Xun almost immediately uttered those three words: “I’m sorry.”
“No, that’s not what I want to hear right now.” Xie Ping Ning anxiously ran his fingers through his hair. “Xun Xun, tell me honestly, have our three years of marriage been a failure?”
Xun Xun remained silent like a sealed jar.
“I thought we were a normal couple. Aren’t all couples under heaven like this? You’re a good woman; I never imagined you would hate me in your heart.”
“I don’t hate you,” Xun Xun’s voice was as faint as a mosquito’s hum.
“Then what’s going on with you and Chi Cheng? An impulse? Love at first sight?” Xie Ping Ning laughed at the absurdity. He clasped his hands on his knees, paused for a long while, and continued: “Yes, I concealed my past with Jia Quan from you. Everyone has a past, and I never asked about yours before marriage. Jia Quan and I were indeed together before. I loved her deeply, she was the only one in my heart since I understood love, but I couldn’t make any promises. My family would never approve – a nephew marrying his aunt, would completely mess up the family hierarchy. When she left, she cried terribly. At that time, I felt… I felt nothing mattered anymore. Arranged marriage? Fine. Marriage? Fine. You’ve been married to me for three years, and it’s during these three years that I discovered life goes on without anyone. I was grateful to have found a good wife, even if your feelings for me were merely adequate. But being with you, perhaps growing old together would be easier – isn’t that what life’s decades are about? Later, when Jia Quan returned, I was very confused, couldn’t control my desire to see her, and tried everything to spend even a few more seconds with her, but I knew clearly that we could never return to the past. I didn’t want to break up her and Chi Cheng, and never thought about leaving you.”
Xun Xun said softly, “Then I should thank you, you’ve been too good to me.”
“You don’t need to be sarcastic. I may be dishonorable, but no matter how despicable I am, I never thought about fooling around with another woman behind my wife’s back. Even though Jia Quan and I were alone together later, I can guarantee my character that I never crossed any lines! But you, Xun Xun, what did you do?”
“You mean to say that I’m the one who had an affair, not you, right?”
“I want you to tell me yourself, did you and Chi Cheng actually… actually…”
He was a traditional man; he tried several times but couldn’t bring himself to say the crucial part. Xun Xun thought that if it were Chi Cheng here instead, it would probably be much easier – did they do it or not, did they get to the point?
She laughed inexplicably, drawing Xie Ping Ning’s surprised gaze.
Xun Xun said, “Ping Ning, does it matter to you whether things developed to that final step with him? And, you don’t want a divorce, but you think about another woman – how is that different from a physical affair?”
Xie Ping Ning hesitated, not immediately answering. He repeatedly rubbed his hands, as if making an extremely difficult decision.
“I haven’t told anyone about yesterday, and Jia Quan will keep quiet too. She took the last flight back to Shanghai last night, and probably won’t want to come back again. Let’s not blame each other anymore. As long as you… as long as you apologize and promise never to have anything to do with Chi Cheng again, we can put this behind us and live our life properly.”
Xun Xun looked up at her husband in surprise, seemingly unable to believe these words came from Xie Ping Ning’s mouth. She had imagined many endings – him ending up with Shao Jia Quan, or not with her – none would have surprised her, but she never imagined that with his masculine pride, he would so easily bow his head and offer forgiveness.
There was a faint shimmer of tears in her eyes, and Xie Ping Ning’s expression also softened as he looked deeply at her.
Xun Xun trembled, speaking in a fragmented but audible voice: “No, no, Ping Ning, I won’t apologize for this, and you don’t need to forgive me. Let’s just get divorced. We can do it however you want, I don’t need anything.”
Xie Ping Ning’s hands suddenly clenched tight, almost doubting his ears. His mouth slightly open, he tried to stand up, but halfway through sank heavily back down.
“Is this really what you want? Have you thought it through?”
Xun Xun nodded.
She knew she might be making a wrong decision. Zeng Yu would call her stupid for agreeing to divorce without any conditions, Sister Yan Li would fight her to the death, and Chi Cheng would probably smile frivolously and say: I knew you wouldn’t be able to leave me after trying… She wasn’t doing it for anyone or anything. Maybe she would regret it someday, but that would be after the spilled water couldn’t be gathered back. At least for now, this was her only decision. Her city had crumbled completely, even the illusions had dissipated. Even though she was someone used to convincing herself, she couldn’t live there anymore.
“I’ll go pack my things. Don’t worry, I’ll move out today.”
Xie Ping Ning calmed down and sneered, “You’re doing this for that kid Chi Cheng? After being husband and wife, let me advise you to open your eyes. Don’t let a pretty face make you lose your head. Do you think someone like him will be serious about you? Don’t be foolish, he’ll only play with your feelings.”
Xun Xun stood up, thinking hazily that Xie Ping Ning thought too highly of her. She understood what kind of person Chi Cheng was better than Xie Ping Ning. Maybe he never intended to play with feelings at all – what he wanted to play with was just her body.