That evening, while there wasn’t anything particularly special at the dinner table, it felt somewhat unusual as it was Cheng Chi’s first time sitting down for a meal since his arrival. Brother Gun filled everyone’s glasses with his homemade medicinal wine, especially encouraging Chi Cheng to drink more, saying it would help with his injuries.
Chi Cheng wasn’t accustomed to medicinal wine and found its taste peculiar, but the mountain man’s enthusiastic toasting was difficult to refuse, so he forced himself to down several cups. Soon enough, the warming sensation of alcohol rose through his body, unconsciously dispelling much of the cold and pain from his injuries, and he found himself getting into the spirit of things.
By the time Xun Xun finished eating and went to help Sister-in-law Gun with the dishes in the kitchen, he was still drinking merrily with Brother Gun. Before long, the two men, both somewhat tipsy, had their arms around each other’s shoulders calling each other brothers, throwing all sense of distance and differences in worldview and life philosophy to the winds. Their conversation topics ranged from amusing stories of studying abroad to the intrigue of business dealings, from forest fire prevention to how to catch roe deer in spring – everything warranted another drink.
When Xun Xun finished her bath and was preparing for bed, she found the two men huddled seriously at the small dining table under the dim light bulb, discussing something intently. After curiously listening for a while, she discovered that Chi Cheng, emboldened by the alcohol, was creating a proper input-output analysis table for Brother Gun’s forest contracting plans.
Eventually, Brother Gun fell asleep face-down on the dining table, and Xun Xun had to use a combination of coaxing and threats to drag the still-eager Chi Cheng back to their room. When she was giving him a hot water wipe-down before bed, he started getting frisky, shamelessly making mischief until water splashed everywhere. Xun Xun, face burning red, threw down the towel and refused to attend to him further.
Chi Cheng’s only remaining injury was his left foot, which hadn’t fully healed. The clinic doctor had just changed his bandages today, saying the recovery was progressing very well. Although the splint hadn’t been removed, he could already manage small movements to turn over in bed. Xun Xun, held from behind by him, couldn’t stand his intentionally wandering hands, struggling while spitting out: “You show your true colors the moment you’re slightly better – aren’t you afraid of breaking your leg again?”
Chi Cheng nuzzled her neck with his cheek, shamelessly saying, “This isn’t my fault. You don’t even know what Brother Gun’s medicinal wine is made from! It must be either deer penis or tiger penis, all-powerful tonics – how can you bear to watch me suffer?”
Xun Xun didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She removed one of his hands, only to have the other persistently wrap around her. Without turning around, she could smell the alcohol on him.
“You should have broken all your bones when you fell! Try moving again, and please try to show some drinking etiquette.”
Chi Cheng laughed and said, “You’re lecturing me about drinking etiquette? You’re much worse than me when you’re drunk.”
“Nonsense!”
“If I’m lying, I’ll become a eunuch next time I fall. I don’t know if you’ve truly forgotten everything, but I remember it all clearly.”
Although Xun Xun knew he was usually full of schemes and would stop at nothing to achieve his goals, thinking back to that night three years ago still stirred something in her heart. She was both afraid and eager to pierce through the dense clouds shrouding her memories, so she turned around and asked, “Later when you deliberately took me to that building to break glasses, was it because we stayed at the hotel below that night?”
Chi Cheng nodded against her chest, “See, you don’t completely forget everything.”
“I only remember what happened after I woke up and left… That night I must have been completely drunk, like a puddle of mud,” she said hopefully.
Chi Cheng left her no room for illusions.
“What puddle of mud? Have you ever seen such an aggressive puddle of mud? You want to say you were unconscious and push all the blame onto me? Don’t even think about it!” He deliberately described it vividly, “You don’t know how funny you were. I was being very pure, sincerely taking you to rest for the night in the room your good cousin arranged. I endured your chattiness, I endured your random philosophical lectures, but just as I got you to the bed and hadn’t even stood up, you pinned me down like a mountain.”
Xun Xun thought to herself, surely not? Could it be that the subconscious feeling of having paid made her act so shamelessly?
Chi Cheng continued to say what she least wanted to hear, “The funniest part was, I still wanted to show my integrity by not taking advantage of someone. I finally struggled free and gathered my courage to say some heartfelt words with my back turned. I was speaking so sincerely, my pure heart pounding like a little deer’s, but when I turned around, you had already stripped…”
“That’s impossible!” Xun Xun’s face burned red; denial was her only option.
“I thought I was hallucinating at the time too. You kept giggling, saying something like ‘A gentleman is open and frank, while a small man hides his penis,’ insisting on stripping me into a gentleman… What did I know back then? You corrupted me completely!”
Xun Xun regretted asking about these things and wanted to bang her head against the wall. That “gentleman is open and frank” quote was Zeng Yu’s catchphrase for a while, and somehow she had been unconsciously brainwashed by it. The influence of bad role models was indeed immediate.
“Alright, you’re drunk, stop talking,” she quickly tried to end it.
He kept laughing non-stop; Xun Xun could feel his chest vibrating as he laughed.
“What can I do, we just got to the interesting part. You sweet-talked me into bed in my confusion, but just as I moved, you pushed me away and negotiated, saying you were a virgin, wondering if this would be too much of a loss…”
“I’m already asleep,” Xun Xun said desperately.
Chi Cheng turned her to face him, laughing, “I very sincerely answered that I was also a virgin, so we’d be even.”
Xun Xun pushed him, finding that her palm touched burning skin.
“How did you…” How could he remove his clothes so quickly while injured? Could this be considered “determination despite disability”?
Chi Cheng mumbled, “Just let me be a ‘gentleman’ once.”
His foot still couldn’t move freely, and Xun Xun’s struggles showed some reluctance to harm him – or perhaps she hadn’t hardened her heart to refuse. Chi Cheng blamed it on Brother Gun’s precious tonic wine, but in her mind, there was only a bowl of well water with white foam and memories that might be true or false. She temporarily forgot about past lessons, forgot about all the despicable things he had done; by his side, she could always be drawn out into a strange version of herself.
In the confusion, she couldn’t understand how she let him have his way despite his limited mobility. Hindered by his injured leg, Chi Cheng’s movements were quite clumsy, showing none of the sharp aggression from that time in the room by the cliff. Sometimes Xun Xun even had to accommodate him, follow his lead, feeling his hands locked on her body, his irregular breathing, and tight beads of sweat. He wasn’t a midnight dream, nor a sharp weapon conquering her from rolling dark clouds, just an ordinary and real body. Within this body was a heart that yearned to possess and feared to lose.
When the weather-beaten wooden bed finally stopped creaking, Chi Cheng still maintained his position holding Xun Xun from behind. As the intense emotions gradually ebbed, Xun Xun felt like an endless beach, unsure whether she had just been smoothed over or emptied again.
Chi Cheng’s voice by her ear seemed like their shared sleep talk. He said, “After you left today, I was somewhat scared, worried that you’d leave me here alone and never come back.”
Xun Xun asked, “Is that why you smiled so happily when you saw me return?”
“Not exactly,” he shifted slightly, “I sat there for a long time, and Brother Gun said he was getting hungry. Many women were returning from the market along that road, and Brother Gun spotted you all from far away, saying someone was coming to cook. You were walking slightly behind Sister-in-law Gun, your face rosy, eyes seemingly glowing, smiling at me from far away, and I suddenly felt that I wasn’t alone anymore, that someone wanted me.”
Xun Xun changed to lying on her back, looking at the slightly drooping mosquito net above, and said softly, “How could no one want you? You’re still young, and you have a rich father. There are countless girls in the world; the worry is that you won’t want them.”
“You think too highly of me,” Chi Cheng also lay beside her, both of them side by side, “I’m not as impressive as you imagine. The money you see isn’t mine. Three years ago, I returned to my father’s side on a gamble, because that’s when I realized how important money was – without it, I was nothing. My father fears me and feels guilty about me, so he compensates me for any problems that money can solve, as long as I don’t disrupt his new family. But even Yao Kai isn’t entirely his, and my position is very awkward. That woman might not say anything, but how could she truly accept me in her heart? Even if my father keeps control of the company, one day when he’s old, the brothers and sisters he had with that woman will grow up – they’re their true flesh and blood. What will I be then? Where will I stand in the company?”
“What are your plans?”
“The branch office is only temporary; sooner or later, I’ll have to establish my own business. You know Jiu An Tang, right? Si Tu Jue, Si Tu Jiu An’s daughter, is considered my senior apprentice sister. We’ve interacted a few times and got along quite well. Si Tu Jiu An’s health is failing, and after Yao Qi Yun, the manager, gets into trouble, Jiu An Tang loses its backbone. In my opinion, Si Tu Jue’s personality is too strong-willed; she’s not cut out for business, and she knows this herself. Although the Fu family has temporarily taken over this mess, Fu Jing Shu can hardly manage everything, and considering their family is already involved in the pharmaceutical industry, if Si Tu Jue insists on not merging, it will be difficult for everyone. This might be my opportunity. Si Tu Jue and I don’t have to be adversaries; after weighing the options, I believe she’d prefer to cooperate with me. I’m waiting for the right timing, but first, I need to establish a firm foothold.”
“But Yao Kai still has your father’s blood, sweat, and tears in it.”
“Back when my parents built the business together, they were a loving couple during good times, but when his poor decisions led to business failure, he immediately found a richer woman, dumped everything on my mother, and claimed to everyone he’d found true love. I’m embarrassed for him. Fine, even if he completely denies his feelings for my mother – if there’s no love, there’s no love, it’s not a big deal. But my mother’s last wish was just to see him one last time; that request wasn’t too much, was it? Even an old worn-out piece of clothing deserves one last look before being discarded, let alone a wife who accompanied him through thick and thin for over twenty years.”
“Do you want to take revenge on him?”
“When I returned to his side, I did think about making him regret what he’d done for the rest of his life. But watching his hair gradually turn white these years, his health declining, all his ambition and drive mostly worn away, spending his days just wanting to protect his modest fortune and live quietly with his wife and children – honestly, I don’t hate him as much anymore. He hasn’t had it easy either. Thinking of self-preservation first isn’t such a grave sin. If there’s anyone to blame, it’s my mother for being too foolish, taking love too seriously, leaving herself no way out. My father treats me decently enough; at least he knows he feels guilty – every time I’m around him, he can’t look me in the eye. Because of this, while he remembers I’m his son, he hopes I’ll stay as far away as possible.”
Chi Cheng seemed tired of talking and paused, his breath long and deep. Time can make people forget why they loved someone, just as it can make them forget why they hated someone. “Never forgetting” is a luxury that requires too much heart, courage, perseverance, and even constant self-hypnosis. Xun Xun couldn’t help but wonder why Chi Cheng had reappeared in her life after three years. Was it out of love or hate? Or perhaps both? Putting herself in his shoes, if she had been in his position back then – the person she secretly loved leaving after one night of passion, leaving behind that money – she would have felt humiliated and heartbroken, but with time, she would have moved past it. Chi Cheng’s inability to forget, besides his inherently strong-willed nature, might be because he had received and deserved too little genuine emotion in his life. He needed a target for his feelings, for release, even if in an intensely distorted way.
Chi Cheng laboriously moved closer to Xun Xun, pressing tightly against her, and continued: “I just want to take back what originally belonged to my mother with my own hands. As for my father, let him spend his twilight years peacefully with his beloved wife and young children. Of course, it’s possible I won’t have the ability to stand against him, and if I lose, I’ll have nothing.” In the darkness, he gently caressed Xun Xun’s hand, “Three years ago, you told me drunkenly that bravery isn’t a virtue, only ignorant people charge ahead blindly, and if someone knows the consequences but still risks everything, something must be blinding their eyes. I’ve always worn that blindfold, but I still often feel afraid.”
Xun Xun didn’t know how to respond, only intertwining her fingers with his, wondering if the same cloth might be blinding her eyes as well.
“Life is like groping through a desert, Xun Xun. Let me ask you, would you rather die on the journey, believing there’s an end ahead, or live in a mirage, believing it’s your destined city until you drink your last drop of water?”
“Why are you asking me this?”
“Because this is the question you threw at me three years ago.”
“What did you say then?”
“I never figured it out.”
“And now?”
“Still don’t know. Maybe I only care that the person walking beside me is the right one.”
They both fell silent for a while, quietly listening to each other’s breathing and heartbeats, and the distant calls of wild dogs outside the window.
Chi Cheng said: “Are you asleep? Let me tell you, I’ve imagined lying with you like this many times, talking foolishly about useless things, but in my imagination, it was always in a romantic setting, like under the stars by the sea, or even in the mountains, there should be flowers blooming around us. I never thought when this day came, after I finished speaking, there would only be this dark mosquito net around us.”
Xun Xun laughed softly.
“Go to sleep.”
“Mm.”
“Xun Xun, I have one last thing to tell you.”
“…” Xun Xun thought, sometimes he was like a child.
Chi Cheng said: “Your father’s death might not have been just an accident. Three years ago, when I went to the hospital, I discovered my mother had been tricked out of all her money. The nurse told me that the man had just left, so I chased after him. The moment he saw me, he ran for his life. I chased him from one end of the street to the other, then suddenly lost him at an intersection. The next day, I learned there had been a traffic accident nearby. I guess if he hadn’t been afraid of being caught by me, he wouldn’t have panicked and run into traffic.”
Xun Xun remained silent for a long time, and Chi Cheng unconsciously tightened his grip on her hand.
“Why are you telling me this? If you hadn’t said anything, I probably would never have known.” She finally spoke, her voice strained.
“Because this was the last thing I was keeping from you. Now that I’ve said it, I feel less uneasy.”
Xun Xun turned her back to him again, “Let me ask you, you said you hated me for these three years. Did you hate me because my father cheated your mother out of her money, or because I finally married and left?”
Chi Cheng thought for a moment and answered honestly: “Mainly because you left.”
Xun Xun’s head nodded slightly against the pillow.
A tsunami in the Pacific might not compare to losing a beloved toy – those past events, no matter how dramatic or twisted, are just decorative backgrounds to ordinary lives. For ordinary people like us, what we care about most are the small gains and losses by our side. He was like this, and wasn’t she the same?
She closed her eyes, sleep coming on strong.
“Thank you.”
“I haven’t done anything for you,” Xun Xun said, half-asleep.
Chi Cheng pressed his face against her back, her hand still resting in his palm in an odd position.
This was enough.