A certain year, a certain month, a certain day.

Celestial music drifted faintly, through faint layers of clouds, countless layers of clouds, each blooming like flowers.

“Hey, for this Nine Hua gathering, I heard Lingyuan Shangxian is coming?” The number one gossip powerhouse of the Nine Heavens, Palace Master Taishang Laojun of Doushuai Palace, used his whisk to cover his mouth and whispered mysteriously in the ear of Donghua Dijun, the immortal of the Three Islands and Ten Continents.

“Ah ah ah ah ah, no way? So soon?” The Five Sacred Mountains Star Lord, who was leaning over the table with his ear stretched out, showed an expression like he’d been struck by heavenly thunder.

“Laojun, why didn’t you say so earlier! Once Shangxian returns, those flowers and grasses, pearls and treasures, elixirs and precious dews will immediately be doomed. Dead, dead, definitely dead…”

“Oh no, my thousand-year lingzhi mushroom is still drying outside in the courtyard. Don’t let her see it and take it to use as a table mat.”

“My jade pestle was recently taken out of its eight-layer locked chest to bathe in heavenly light since she wasn’t around, and I haven’t had time to put it back… No, no, I need to go clean up. I’m leaving first.”

“Wait for me! My newly recruited page boy is handsome – don’t let her take a fancy to him and make him cross-dress as a woman…”

“Where can you hide a living person?”

“Send him down to the mortal realm to undergo tribulation!”

“Isn’t that too cruel?”

“Better than being chosen by Shangxian!”

…

“Why are you running so frantically?” The famously slow-paced Yuqing True King was always in meditation, pausing a full second between each word. “She just returned and is still catching up on sleep.”

By the time he finished speaking, those lingzhi mushrooms had been stored away, the jade pestle had been re-locked with nine locks instead of eight and buried in an underground cave, and the handsome page boy had already been reincarnated three times in the mortal world, experiencing earth-shaking, ghost-weeping, desperately passionate and tenderly mournful love with eighteen young ladies.

“Really? She’s back from tribulation? His Majesty must be very happy. This Nine Hua gathering might even serve His Majesty’s treasured Nine Heavens Jade Dew.” The famous good-natured Donghua Dijun of the Heavenly Palace always frowned worriedly, even about pleasant matters.

“And many people will forget to drink while watching her, so we few can drink more.” Lingbao Tianzun, who loved fine wine, took a deep, intoxicated breath as if he could already smell the jade dew fragrance in the clouds.

Laojun shot him a disdainful glance and casually plucked a white cloud to hand to Lingbao Tianzun. “Please wipe your mouth – if your drool falls to the mortal realm, it might cause another rainstorm.”

Lingbao Tianzun sheepishly wiped his mouth while Laojun sighed deeply beside him. “Forget about eating and drinking. At this Nine Hua gathering, we’ll be lucky if we can keep our seats stable. Since we’re good friends, let me remind you – remember to sit by the door so it’s easier to mount your clouds and escape.”

“Why?”

“Have you forgotten about Xuanyin Yuanjun and Yousheng Zhenjun?” Laojun seemed troubled as he propped his head, though his eyes gleamed with anticipation. “Those two are back too. Great, all three are gathered together – the good show begins again.”

“It’s just a love triangle.” Yuqing True King continued slowly. “Shangxian has long said she won’t marry until her skin wrinkles and her hair turns white. But we’re immortal – when will that day come? It’s obvious she just won’t marry. So let them fight. We finally had a few months of peace, and here they are again.”

“I heard Shangxian tried to take a shortcut from Lijing Heaven straight back to her Lazy Cloud Nest when she returned, but was blocked at the Heavenly Palace gates by Xuanyin Yuanjun who had arrived earlier and waited there. She happened to encounter Erlang Shen walking his dog, so Shangxian immediately threw a bone at Xuanyin Yuanjun, and then…”

“Then Yuanjun got angry?”

“Then Xiaotian Dog pounced on him.” Laojun looked disdainfully at the not-so-bright Lingbao Tianzun.

“Tsk tsk… Poor Xuanyin Yuanjun with his great reputation as a warrior of the Eight Desolations. But Xiaotian Dog is a divine hound after all – how did one bone make him lose composure like that?”

“Your information is really outdated. Long before Shangxian descended for tribulation, she had trained Xiaotian Dog to bite whatever she pointed at – east or north – and even Erlang Shen couldn’t control him. They say Shangxian’s bones are quite magical, containing some… opium and marijuana. Fellow Daoists, what are these things?”

All the supremely powerful, omnipotent super-immortals shook their heads in unison.

“What an ignorant bunch…” Laojun said tragically. “Anyway, while Xuanyin Yuanjun was tangled up with Xiaotian Dog, Shangxian had already slipped away. But after walking just a few steps, she encountered Yousheng Zhenjun playing the qin ahead, with a bunch of celestial birds squatting on the ground, craning their necks and listening in fascination. One was accidentally stepped on by Shangxian and immediately started squawking loudly – Shangxian couldn’t escape in time.”

“Without the bird calling, she still wouldn’t have been able to run. Zhenjun playing the qin was fake – waiting for someone was real. That piece ‘Phoenix Seeking Phoenix’ has been playing continuously since he returned until today. My ears are practically oozing oil from listening.” Lingbao Tianzun dug at his ears and flicked the earwax away.

The earwax traced a fierce arc, whistling straight down to the mortal realm.

It’s said that day in the mortal world, there was an extremely unlucky fool who quit his job to start a business and ended up penniless, sleeping under bridges and picking up newspapers to eat scraps for several days until he couldn’t bear such destitution anymore. So he climbed up the famous “Tianya Haijiao” (Edge of Sky, Corner of Sea) boulder intending to commit suicide, when suddenly he heard a tremendous sound from the heavens. An object came whistling down, golden and radiating auspicious energy, and knocked him unconscious with a “smack.” When he awoke, his intelligence had greatly increased, and he suddenly understood the way to make money. Within a few years, he rose like wind and water, becoming famous and extremely skilled at publicity stunts. He specialized in digging holes for celebrities, prying at walls, and excavating gutters, with shocking quotes that became internet sensations. He was known as: Big Mouth Song Zude.

Of course, this is a story for another time.

The urgent matter was how to land safely under the assault of the Nine Heavens’ most formidable love triangle. Analyzing the movements and personalities of the three main characters was essential. Laojun smacked his lips and sighed deeply. “Shangxian is still polite to Yousheng Zhenjun. Well, that’s natural – such a beautiful person made of water and piled with clouds. Though his temperament is rather cold, he’s always been gentle and considerate toward Shangxian. Anyone would feel embarrassed to put him in an awkward position.”

“Did she go meet with him happily?” Donghua Dijun’s eyes lit up as he said longingly, “Handsome man and beautiful woman gazing at each other, with qin music floating above, celestial birds soaring in between, and auspicious clouds swirling below – what a beautiful scene…”

“That only lasted half an hour. Xuanyin Yuanjun was still chasing from behind.” Laojun sighed. “But Shangxian is still Shangxian – only she could bewitch the two famous lords of the Nine Heavens until they’re dizzy. So many fairy maidens and holy women from all corners drool over those two, but they never even lift an eyelid, focusing only on Lingyuan Shangxian every moment…”

“Laojun, your speech has no focus!” Lingbao Tianzun rudely interrupted someone’s wandering thoughts.

“What’s the focus? The focus is which fairy maiden or holy woman compares to Lingyuan Shangxian? The focus is that Lingyuan Shangxian told Yousheng Zhenjun that returning from tribulation, she had become tainted with much mortal dust and needed to bathe in Yaobo Pool first, and sincerely invited Yousheng Zhenjun, who was also tainted with mortal dust, to bathe together…”

“What lucky fortune from heaven!”

“Poor Yousheng Zhenjun, after waiting for n days, was still defeated in one morning.”

Laojun nodded appreciatively at Donghua Dijun, whose gaze was sharp and summary mature. “Dijun understands Zhenjun best. Such a quiet gentleman – even if he fantasized about Shangxian’s jade-like skin and snow-white flesh a million times, he’d never have the nerve to openly bathe with Shangxian in Yaobo Pool. Such a pity, such a pity…”

“Old brothers.” Laojun patted the shoulders of Dijun and Tianzun, his gaze both excited and tragic as he made a concluding statement. “At the Nine Hua gathering, the good show begins. Hurry and find your treasured dust-capturing mirrors. The Heavenly Palace hasn’t had such excitement and spectacle for a long time.”

Atop the Nine Heavens, Nine Hua Peak stood entirely within clouds and mist.

The Celestial Palace’s triennial Nine Hua gathering was held once again. Early that morning, the fairy maidens under Queen Mother’s command went to the Eastern Golden Crow Palace to gather some premium rainbow-colored clouds, painting Nine Hua Peak from top to bottom. The usually dark green mountain peak today shimmered with five-colored mystery and ethereal light. More arriving divine immortals from various paths rode lightning and clouds, flying rainbows like silk, with continuous whooshing sounds.

Laojun and several old brothers, riding a green auspicious cloud marked with “Doushuai,” landed early at Nine Hua Palace. They sternly refused the upper seats arranged by the fairy maidens according to protocol, claiming “recent occasional diarrhea symptoms require proximity to the palace gate for convenience,” and squeezed in with a group of minor immortals.

Auspicious clouds marked with various palace names were arranged in three rows before Nine Hua Palace, but those three hadn’t arrived yet. Seeing the grand gathering approaching and the gates about to close for latecomers, the minor immortals craned their necks with anxious gazes.

“They’re coming, they’re coming!”

With a swish, Laojun darted out with agility impossible for an old man. Indeed, ahead came a crooked yellow cloud with no decorations, only three characters “Lazy Cloud Nest” scribbled messily in a handwriting so sloppy no one could make it out.

Behind followed Xuanyin Yuanjun riding a black dragon and Yousheng Zhenjun traveling by water. The former’s black dragon had distinct scales, majestic and fierce with killing aura, while the latter’s flowing water gathered and dispersed unpredictably with crystalline luster. The fairy maidens of Nine Hua Palace all gasped in unison, instantly bursting hundreds of peach blossoms in mid-air.

Then when that peerlessly beautiful Lingyuan Shangxian lazily and curiously poked her head out, with a whoosh, all the peach blossoms died of shame and withered.

The female immortals looked jealously at Lingyuan Shangxian climbing down from Lazy Cloud Nest, utterly despising how she casually brought her spirit cat A’Gui along to freeload. But the male gods excitedly activated all their gossip cells, staring at those two great lords who seemed respectfully courteous but were actually completely uncooperative.

Why were Xuanyin Yuanjun’s sleeves fluttering without wind?

Why did Yousheng Zhenjun suddenly lean sideways while returning the greeting?

Why did swirling air currents suddenly rise below?

Why did Uncle Rain’s table suddenly flip over?

Laojun gratefully moved his table closer to the hall entrance – tsk tsk, fighting was starting right at the door. Should he move the table outside to the steps?

Fairy maidens came forward to guide them, leading the three to their respective seats – tsk tsk, why were they seated so far apart? Just short of putting up screens between them. Was this really necessary? Were they really going to fight?

It was said that when Lingyuan Shangxian descended for tribulation, those two immediately rushed to follow her anxiously. When distributing fated roles, they couldn’t agree and even rolled dice. Yousheng Zhenjun helplessly became the blue-faced confidant while Xuanyin Yuanjun went through countless hardships to win the beauty.

However, the dice were reportedly rigged – not by the righteous Xuanyin Yuanjun himself, but by his cheerleading squad’s tricks. Poor Yousheng Zhenjun, who didn’t understand worldly ways.

After experiencing dramatic life-and-death tribulations in the mortal world, they returned to the Heavenly Palace to continue pursuing the beauty. Xuanyin Yuanjun was domineering and passionate, Yousheng Zhenjun gentle and meticulous – both were first-class immortals of the Nine Heavens with status, looks, and popularity. It just remained to see to whom Lingyuan Shangxian would give her heart.

Sigh… difficult… could they do a threesome?

After three rounds of wine, peach pits had piled up in heaps.

Only those two had left all the delicious foods and fresh fruits before them completely untouched. Xuanyin Zhenjun gazed intensely, his heart on the beauty rather than food, his mind full of thoughts about how Lingyuan had been his wife in the mortal world for over ten years – this rare mortal connection should naturally continue into the immortal realm. From now on soaring through cloud seas and touring the Eight Desolations together – how natural and fitting that would be…

Yousheng Zhenjun lowered his eyes with a tranquil, water-like demeanor, occasionally sending gentle glances that flowed like water over Lingyuan’s face… Through several lifetimes of tribulation in the mortal world, I yielded to you Xuanyin Yuanjun every time. Now that we’ve each returned to our positions, at the very least we should start fresh. You can’t monopolize all the good things, can you?

When they occasionally raised their eyes and their gazes met, crackling lightning immediately flashed through the swirling immortal clouds, causing the Lightning Mother to keep thinking her chest mirror was sparking and exposing her, constantly touching and retouching, which made the lecherous Thunder Duke keep looking and looking. The honest Wind God couldn’t stand it and whispered a reminder in Lightning Mother’s ear: “Hey, if you want to touch, go home and touch.” Lightning Mother smacked him down with a pia.

But none of the immortals had the mood to care about that corner’s misunderstanding – they all stared bright-eyed at those two. The male gods mostly supported Xuanyin Yuanjun, feeling such an upright, magnificent man was most worthy of the troublemaking Lingyuan goddess. With such an immortal lord, perhaps Lingyuan Shangxian would gradually be influenced and reformed, turning over a new leaf to become a proper immortal again. Then their suffering would end – what a beautiful prospect!

The female immortals automatically became Yousheng Zhenjun’s cheerleading squad. What a joke – such a quiet, gentle man with water-like refined bearing was an irresistible source of charm for all women in the world. Women’s maternal instincts and compassion were specially prepared for such tragic men. Back when they watched Chu Feihuan in the dust-capturing mirror – struggling through mud and mire his whole life in devotion, sacrificing everything just to protect in a great love unto death – it made the female immortals weep daily in melancholy depression. The excessive rainfall in the mortal realm during that period almost caused floods, until the Jade Emperor ordered the crowds dispersed to stop the rain. Though the female immortals were forced to stop their tears, their spring hearts burst forth. After Yousheng Zhenjun returned to his position, the female immortals quickly organized fan clubs, clearly raising the banner “Resolutely Defend the You-Ling Pairing,” propagandizing to every immortal they met and distributing flyers to every god. Even coming to the Nine Hua gathering, they didn’t forget their banners and were now organizing to raise them in demonstration against Xuanyin Yuanjun.

Thunder rumbled, lightning flashed, and undercurrents surged. When Xuanyin Yuanjun raised his sleeve, immediately a female immortal pretended to faint onto him, spilling wine all over his sleeve.

When Yousheng Zhenjun turned his hand, immediately a male god released emotion-binding threads, chaotically directing his gaze toward cats and dogs nearby.

Both sides crackled with eye-sword fighting while leaving the actual protagonists aside.

Lingyuan lazily sprawled across the table gnawing peaches, making eye contact with A’Gui who was holding a peach and gnawing too. The pile of peach pits in front of the immortal and cat had grown into a mountain. A’Gui kept flicking his tail to snatch a peach or wine pot from Xuanyin Yuanjun’s or Yousheng Zhenjun’s table.

“Hey, what are all these pits for?” Lingyuan picked up a peach pit and tossed it into A’Gui’s pouch.

“Hidden weapons, throwing stars, or make a mahjong set.” A’Gui didn’t look up.

“Play with whom?”

“Xuanyin, Yousheng, you, me.” A’Gui was always concise, with a serious expression.

“Do you think they could possibly sit quietly and play mahjong with us?” Lingyuan glanced at those two who had woven nets of heaven and earth with their gazes, wanting to toast her but unable to move due to the heavy crowds, and sighed. “I don’t want to fight today, don’t want to break up fights, don’t want to provide gossip for people’s entertainment. Got any good ideas?”

“Master, you’ll have to marry someone eventually.”

“Mahjong first. Marriage is a troublesome matter, and troublesome matters should be delayed.”

“Alright then, let’s have a mahjong game. Winner exits.”

“Brilliant idea!” Lingyuan’s eyes lit up as she joyfully patted A’Gui’s head. “Truly the number one cunning cat of the Nine Heavens!”

She grabbed a white cloud and scribbled a few words, tore it in half, and A’Gui flicked his tail, smacking the cloud messages toward those two beauties.

Immediately female immortals flew up with colorful silk and flower baskets like flowing rainbows to intercept Xuanyin Yuanjun’s white cloud, while male gods not to be outdone sacrificed various magical instruments to block the cloud heading toward Yousheng Zhenjun.

“Boom!” “Crack!” “Bang!” “Clang!”

The sounds reached outside the hall straight to the peak of the Nine Heavens. At that moment, the Golden Crow was blazing bright but was so startled by the sound that it lost its footing and fell from the Sun Controlling Platform.

Thus that day, the mortal world experienced a once-in-a-century total solar eclipse.

The hall became a chaotic battlefield with jade liquid flowing everywhere, peach pits scattered about, fragrant powder and colorful silk soaked in dirty water, and bright precious artifacts fallen to dust.

Wherever these three appeared together, chaos was replayed for the ten-thousandth time.

Lingyuan smiled as she looked back, making a “stay calm and don’t worry” gesture to the highest ruler of the Heavenly Palace – her frowning brother and sister-in-law in the treasure hall.

Meanwhile, above the layers upon layers of crowds, Xuanyin Yuanjun swept his sleeve and the white cloud flew over people’s heads, while Yousheng Zhenjun smiled slightly, flicked his finger, and water flow created a barrier to guide the cloud forward.

Both men calmly finished reading and looked at each other again.

Lightning Mother almost touched her chest again.

The pile of female immortals and male gods tangled together groaning on the ground struggled to climb up and just separated when Chang’e, with willow eyebrows bristling, slapped Tianpeng across the face.

“Pervert!”

Tianpeng fanned his ear pitifully. “I didn’t touch anything!”

“If you didn’t touch, how did you know someone touched me!”

…

A new wave of battle began again. Even Lingbao Tianzun got his beard pulled off trying to mediate. By the time the situation finally calmed and everyone was seated, they discovered the three culprits and one cat had all vanished together.

Three days later.

Celestial Palace Express News.

Latest news from Lazy Cloud Nest.

The three immortals and one cat who slipped away from the Nine Hua gathering miraculously went to play mahjong that day. It was said whoever won would exit, causing the two great lords to desperately lose and lose and lose and lose, while Lingyuan Shangxian desperately counted and counted and counted – counted money.

In the end, after four rounds of mahjong, the two great lords miraculously each lost two rounds, achieving a tie for the ten-thousandth time.

Lingyuan Shangxian smiled as she personally escorted both men to the door with A’Gui in her arms, plucking two cat hairs to give each as mementos. After all, making people lose ten acres of immortal fields, three immortal palaces, ten pairs of fairy maidens, and eight rare treasures, not returning some courtesy would be inexcusable.

Outside Lazy Cloud Nest.

Xuanyin Yuanjun looked up and cupped his hands toward Yousheng Zhenjun. “Zhenjun’s protective feelings during tribulation moved heaven and earth. Why not continue another beautiful tale here in the Nine Heavens?”

Yousheng Zhenjun smiled faintly and returned the courtesy. “Yuanjun spent two lifetimes guarding Shangxian during tribulation. Is that still not enough? We immortals are indifferent to desires, yet how greedy Yuanjun is.”

“Hmph.”

“Mm.”

Lightning flashed again.

They went their separate ways.

The ten-thousandth Nine Heavens love triangle chase ended fruitlessly once more.

Behind them, Lingyuan held A’Gui with a satisfied, long sigh.

“Rich, so rich now…”