In the stillness of the night, the wind was clear and the moon bright.
The white-haired physician emerged from Cui Xun’s bedchamber. He shook his head at the mute servant waiting outside: “Junior Minister Cui won’t even let me remove his clothes. How am I supposed to treat him?”
The mute servant gestured anxiously. The physician sighed: “Alas, he said he could apply the medicine himself and sent me away. I’ve left the medicinal salve. Old man, for the rest, I’m afraid I cannot help.”
The physician walked away with a sigh. The mute servant stared at the faint glow seeping through the tightly closed door, heaved a deep sigh himself, then shook his head as he departed.
Neither of them noticed the slender figure standing beneath the window, wearing a red and white dress with her hair styled in a double bun. Through the green window screen, she gazed at the bedchamber. She stood there for a long time before finally seeming to make up her mind and pushing open the door to enter.
The flickering lamplight cast swaying shadows. Cui Xun lay face down on the bed, his face as white as paper. Sweat had soaked through his black hair, and several strands clung damply to his cheeks. His tattered official robe stuck to his back, with fabric scraps embedded in his wounds, creating a horrific sight. His eyes were tightly closed; if not for his faint breathing, Li Ying might have thought he was already dead.
She sat at the edge of the bed. The bloody scene before her made her dizzy. The hundred lashes had left Cui Xun’s back split open and flayed, with barely any intact skin. The overlapping bloody wounds were so severe that Li Ying could see white bone through the flesh.
Li Ying had never punished her palace maids. She had never seen so much blood or such terrible wounds. She was genuinely frightened, but regardless of her fear, she couldn’t let Cui Xun die like this.
Moreover, Cui Xun had suffered this punishment because of her.
Li Ying reached out with trembling hands, intending first to remove Cui Xun’s clothes, but the dazed Cui Xun suddenly grabbed her hand. His grip was weak; Li Ying could have easily freed herself, but she didn’t. Instead, she explained: “I need to remove your clothes, or I can’t treat your wounds.”
“No need,” Cui Xun whispered, his voice barely audible.
Li Ying grew anxious: “What do you mean, no need? If your wounds aren’t treated, you’ll die.”
“Won’t die…”
Li Ying almost laughed from frustration. He had been beaten to the brink of death, yet was telling her he wouldn’t die. She paused, then said: “Cui Xun, you just don’t want anyone to see your old scars, right? I already saw them on the Lantern Festival. Since I’ve seen them once, seeing them a second time doesn’t matter, does it?”
Hearing this, Cui Xun said nothing more, only breathing weakly. The hand gripping Li Ying’s wrist grew even more feeble. Li Ying felt somewhat helpless—this man’s pride was sometimes inappropriately strong. She softened her tone: “Cui Xun, don’t worry. Only I will see them. No one else.”
Cui Xun finally released her hand. He buried his face in the embroidered silk pillow and said nothing more. Li Ying pressed her lips together and carefully removed Cui Xun’s upper garments. The clothes were so tattered from the beating that they came off without much effort. As soon as they were removed, Li Ying felt even more dizzy. Cui Xun’s back was a mass of new wounds layered over old ones. Ugly scars covered his skin like a spider’s web. The overwhelming smell of blood assaulted her nostrils. Li Ying could hardly bear to look directly at it. She turned her head away to collect herself, then took a white silk cloth from the copper basin on the table, dampened it with clean water, wrung it out, and prepared to wipe his mangled wounds.
As soon as the silk touched Cui Xun’s wounds, he trembled slightly in pain. Li Ying grew somewhat flustered and said, “I’ll try to be as gentle as possible.”
Cui Xun’s face remained buried in the embroidered pillow, making no sound. Li Ying wasn’t sure if he had heard her. She pressed her lips together and tried to move as gently as possible to avoid causing him more suffering. By the time she finished cleaning, she was covered in sweat. Cui Xun hadn’t made a sound, but his slightly trembling body betrayed his extreme pain.
The clear water in the copper basin had turned bloody. Li Ying changed the water several times before finally finishing the cleaning of Cui Xun’s horrific wounds. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and looked up to see that even Cui Xun’s temples were drenched in fine beads of sweat. His already pale face had grown even whiter, and the silk embroidered pillow beneath him was soaked with sweat. Li Ying pressed her lips together as she cleaned the last wound on his back. “If it hurts, cry out.”
Cui Xun didn’t respond, and she wasn’t sure if he had fainted or was still conscious. She added: “There’s no need to endure it like this. It’s harmful to your body.”
Cui Xun remained silent. Just when Li Ying thought he wouldn’t answer, he weakly asked: “Who would I cry out for?”
Li Ying was stunned. After saying this, Cui Xun fell silent again. But Li Ying understood his meaning. If he cried out in pain, those who hated him would only rejoice, while only those who cared about him would feel distressed. But now, when everyone wanted to flay him alive, who in this world still cared about him?
She looked at him with complex emotions. His protruding shoulder blades made him look thin as a sickly crane. Though infamous as a treacherous official, at times he seemed so solitary, as if he were the only person in the world. Li Ying wrung out a white silk cloth and lowered her eyes: “Cry out for me, then.”
Cui Xun’s fingers trembled almost imperceptibly. After a long while, he finally asked hoarsely: “Don’t you hate me?”
“Yes, I hate you,” Li Ying said, washing the blood-stained silk. “Anyone who experienced what I did would hate you.”
Cui Xun said nothing. Li Ying finished washing the cloth and draped it on the edge of the copper basin. She took a silver needle from the physician’s medicine box and carefully heated it to red-hot in the oil lamp’s flame. “But this time, you suffered because of me. No matter how much I hate you, I can’t just ignore you.”
She held the hot silver needle: “I need to pick out the cloth fragments from your wounds. If it hurts, cry out.”
As soon as the heated needle touched the flesh, Cui Xun’s vision went black with pain. It was no different from being branded. A thin layer of sweat broke out along his slender waist. Li Ying pressed her lips together and continued carefully picking out the fragments from his flesh: “Cui Xun, does it hurt very much?”
In his dazed state, Cui Xun unconsciously murmured: “It hurts…”
“Just say it like that,” Li Ying said softly. “Say it out loud, and it will feel better.”
Her voice was as gentle as the spring breeze. Cui Xun lay on the embroidered pillow, which was now wet with either sweat or tears of pain. His throat involuntarily released a hoarse: “It hurts very much…”
Li Ying’s needle faltered momentarily. She lowered her eyes, and after a while, she suddenly said softly: “I’m sorry.”
Cui Xun, nearly unconscious from the excruciating pain of the needle in his flesh, with cold sweat constantly seeping from his forehead, still managed to ask in his half-conscious state: “Why…?”
Why… apologize to the person who had harmed her?
“Your current state is my fault,” Li Ying said. “I didn’t know my mother would punish you so severely, almost taking half your life.”
Now she somewhat understood why Cui Xun had been initially reluctant to investigate her case. As he had said, his life and position came from the Empress Dowager; he couldn’t offend her. She paused, then continued: “But you could have told me, instead of tricking me into the netherworld.”
She glanced at Cui Xun, who lay motionless on the bed. She wasn’t sure if he was conscious or not. She lowered her eyes and placed the bloodied silver needle in water to clean it. “I know you’ve probably been immersed in court politics for too long, accustomed to scheming. But, if you had directly told me you had difficulties and couldn’t help investigate my case, I wouldn’t have pressured you.”
Cui Xun remained silent. Li Ying placed the cleaned needle over the fire to heat it again. “Cui Xun, you probably never trusted me from the beginning, right? I don’t know what happened to you that made you unable to trust others, but I want to say, sometimes, you can try trusting people.”
Cui Xun gave no response. In the room, Li Ying could only hear his almost inaudible breathing. He must have fainted from the extreme pain, so she didn’t know if he had heard her words.
Li Ying pressed her lips together. She hadn’t expected Cui Xun to listen anyway. His current unconscious state was for the best—at least he wouldn’t suffer as much.
She continued working with her head bowed, carefully picking cloth fragments from Cui Xun’s wounds. It took nearly two hours before she finally finished.
She straightened her back, rubbed her sore waist, then looked at Cui Xun and sighed.
Normally, for a bamboo beating punishment, the clothes would be removed to prevent fabric from embedding in the wounds and causing a fatal infection. But Cui Xun hadn’t removed his clothes—his request.
This, she thought, was why she said his pride was sometimes inappropriately strong. Li Ying murmured: “Just to prevent others from seeing your old scars, you endured so much extra suffering. Was it worth it?”
Cui Xun’s black hair was damp with sweat, and frightful scars covered his jade-white back. He seemed unconscious, lying motionless on the bed. Li Ying wiped her hands and picked up the medicine the physician had left. She opened the white porcelain medicine bottle, and immediately a pungent, acrid medicinal smell filled her nostrils. She knew at once that the salve contained phellodendron and myrrh. Although these two herbs could invigorate blood circulation and remove stasis, they were extremely spicy and harsh. When applied to wounds, the pain would likely penetrate to the bone. She hesitated, then said softly to Cui Xun, “Cui Xun, I’m going to apply medicine now. It will hurt terribly. Please bear with it…”
Cui Xun did not indicate whether he was conscious or not. Li Ying could only hear his faint breathing. She pressed her lips together and carefully applied the medicinal powder to his wounds.
As soon as the powder touched his wounds, he reacted like a fish out of water, his body violently trembling. Even his jade hair crown came loose, and his ink-black hair spilled across the bed. Li Ying was startled, but Cui Xun quickly grew still again. Only his fingers were tightly gripping the brocade quilt on the bed, his knuckles turning white. Seeing him in such pain yet still gritting his teeth and enduring it, Li Ying felt something indescribable in her heart. This man was said to be an arrogant and treacherous official, yet sometimes his perseverance seemed unlike that of a villain. She pressed her lips together, picked up his fallen hair crown, and placed it aside. Then she gently arranged his disheveled hair, using a clean silk cloth to wipe his sweat-soaked black locks and carefully wiping away the beads of sweat on his neck. Though he was a patient, she wanted to maintain his dignity.
After doing all this, she continued carefully applying the medicinal powder to his back. Cui Xun no longer struggled; he lay dazed on the bed, seemingly exhausted beyond measure.
By the time Li Ying finished applying the medicine, the moon had set and the stars had dimmed. She was utterly exhausted. Cui Xun’s breathing was weak, and he remained unconscious. Seeing this, Li Ying sat on the floor beside his bed in case any emergency arose.
She was extremely tired and couldn’t help but lay her head on the edge of the bed, falling into a deep sleep. She slept until the sun began to rise.
Morning dew dampened the parasol trees, and sunlight illuminated the hibiscus flowers. Cui Xun gradually regained consciousness. He moved his body slightly, which immediately sent a wave of intense pain through him. This pain cleared his foggy mind somewhat. With effort, he turned his head—even this simple movement pulled at the wounds on his back, causing cold sweat to pour down his face. Nevertheless, he turned his head and saw the elegant figure.
Li Ying sat on the floor, her head resting by his side. She seemed completely exhausted and was sleeping deeply. Sunlight filtered through the window screen, falling on her face, peaceful and beautiful.
Cui Xun gazed at her silently for a long time. Eventually, her brows furrowed slightly, and Cui Xun turned his head, burying his face in the embroidered pillow once more.
Li Ying slowly opened her eyes. Cui Xun’s body was trembling slightly from pain. Seeing this, she said: “Cui Xun, you’re awake too?”
From the embroidered pillow came Cui Xun’s hoarse voice: “Mm…”
Li Ying looked at his wounds, which, after treatment, didn’t appear as horrifically bloody as the day before. She said, “Since you’re awake, I’ll be going now.”
“Where… to?”
“I don’t know.” Li Ying paused, then said calmly: “Cui Xun, Sheng Yunting’s body is buried outside Tonghua Gate.”
Cui Xun’s fingers suddenly twitched violently: “Why… would you…”
“Why am I willing to tell you now?” Li Ying’s eyes glistened with unshed tears. “Because I don’t want to continue like this anymore.”
Her voice was very soft: “Cui Xun, I used Sheng Yunting’s body to force you to investigate my case. I thought I was getting revenge on you, but my heart found no joy in it. Every time I saw you, I couldn’t help but curse you, mock you. I even used Sheng Yunting and the Imperial Guard to hurt you. But doing these things didn’t make me feel any better.”
She sniffled: “I don’t like hating people, but because I hated you, I gradually became bitter and mean. I don’t like being this way at all. So, Cui Xun, I’m letting you go, and I’m also letting myself go.”
Her tone gradually lightened: “Cui Xun, you nearly killed me, and I’ve cost you half your life. I think we’re even now, aren’t we? From now on, neither of us owes the other anything.”
She stood up: “I’m leaving. Take care of yourself and recover well.”
She turned to leave, but Cui Xun caught her wrist. Lying on the bed, he spoke very softly: “Don’t go…”
Li Ying was puzzled: “Why is that?”
Cui Xun just held onto her. His hand had little strength, but he still held her firmly. His palm was ice-cold, colder than the waters of the Naihe River. Lying on the bed with his long hair spread out, thin as a crane, his back covered with ghastly scars, he looked as pale and terrifying as a ghost crawling up from the underworld. After a long while, he whispered weakly: “I want to be human… not a ghost.”
Li Ying was stunned.
Cui Xun added in a barely audible voice: “Stay… I… won’t deceive you again…”
Li Ying’s eyes reddened slightly: “Cui Xun, can I trust you again?”
“Trust me once more…” These few words seemed to drain all of Cui Xun’s strength, but he still held onto Li Ying’s wrist without letting go. Using his last bit of energy, he whispered weakly: “There won’t… be a second time…”