At that moment it certainly wasn’t appropriate for intimacy. Qi Ying wasn’t moved by romantic feelings either – he simply couldn’t bear to hear her say those cruel, self-harming words anymore.

That kiss was very bitter, carrying the taste of tears, unlike their previous kisses which had been sweet and moving.

He quickly released her and embraced her again. This time she finally stopped struggling, having cried until she was hiccupping, probably already without any strength left.

“I was wrong, Wenwen,” he kept saying in her ear. “It’s my fault, all my fault…”

He truly was wrong.

He said he was driving her away to protect her, but in the end, his reason for doing so was simply because his heart still harbored confusion and cowardice – he wasn’t certain whether he could ultimately win, and if he lost, he would completely lose everything. That price was too heavy.

What he was planning was a huge gamble with too many uncertain factors. Even at this very moment, many pieces hadn’t fallen into place yet. The probability of failure was far greater than success. But he still had to gamble, otherwise only destruction awaited him. If it were just him alone, he could calmly face death – after all, he had long grown weary of these dirty struggles. But behind him there was still her, still his kinfolk. If he died, what would become of them?

He had no choice but to gamble.

His urgency to push her away stemmed from the weakness in his own heart. He had lost too much over these years, and had almost grown accustomed to loss. He even secretly felt it was impossible to truly turn things around. If he were sufficiently resolute and confident, then he wouldn’t have been so eager to make her leave.

It was his hesitation that hurt her.

In that instant, Qi Ying felt as if he’d received sudden enlightenment. His vision also became clear, the dust in his heart seemed to be suddenly swept away, faintly returning to its former state.

He held her even tighter, saying to her in a low voice: “There will definitely be an outcome between us. We won’t be separated again.”

His tone wasn’t intense, just a calm statement, but it seemed very certain, making one believe without doubt.

But Shen Xiling’s emotions were far from calmed.

At first she had actually been fake crying, just to act coquettish and make him comfort her, but later she took it seriously. While arguing with him, she recalled many, many grievances – she actually wasn’t truly unbothered by those words he had said. Although each time before she could find some reasoning to comfort herself, wounds had truly been left in her heart.

She would also feel wronged.

And at this moment all these grievances and hurt feelings erupted at once. No matter how he apologized or comforted her, it couldn’t calm her down. She even became angrier, questioning him: “Outcome? What outcome can we have? You’re already addicted to Five Stone Powder, touching it again and again. How much longer can you live going on like this? What do you want? Pretend to be with me, then die early, is that it?”

She was furious, she was angry, but more than these was fear.

She loved him so deeply.

And thus was so afraid of losing him.

Shen Xiling cried even more desperately.

Qi Ying understood her feelings. If their positions were reversed, he would probably be as anxiously worried as she was. He felt even more guilty toward her, and his heart ached for her even more. This little girl could always so easily make his heart ache, no matter when. She had been like this as a child, and now that she’d grown up, she was still like this.

He could only compromise, could only agree to all her demands. He continued holding her, repeatedly promising in her ear: “I won’t touch that thing again. I’ll quit it. Stop crying, alright?”

He coaxed her again and again. Shen Xiling finally gradually calmed down. She lay in his arms with little hiccups from crying, looking up at him with vigilant scrutiny, doubtfully confirming: “Really?”

He sighed and nodded: “Really.”

She remained very guarded, not immediately believing him, because she had heard that this kind of addiction was very hard to quit. The vast majority of people who touched it were addicted for life, let alone him who had been using the powder for five years – it must be even harder to quit.

She was afraid he couldn’t quit.

Qi Ying saw her doubt, but saying anything now was useless. He could only use actual actions to make her believe he would definitely keep his promise.

He left a gentle kiss on her forehead, even more cherishing and loving than five years ago. Shen Xiling felt the familiar tenderness and love, and the uneasy feeling in her heart finally began to slowly recede.

She heard him say: “I’m not lying to you. From now on, everything is up to you.”

His voice was very low, carrying a hint of helplessness, involuntarily reminding her of many, many past moments. For instance, five years ago when they traveled south from Shangjing together, they had once imagined their life after eloping. At that time she had jokingly teased him, asking for future household management rights. Then he had smiled and kissed her eyelashes, answering: “Yours, all yours.”

Just like now – both helpless yet full of doting love for her.

Shen Xiling couldn’t help but feel her nose sting again.

She felt it – they had returned, returned to five years ago.

Those estrangements, those barriers, those misunderstandings and separations were all fading away bit by bit. They were like a mirror that had been shattered into pieces, now being put back together piece by piece.

Becoming whole.

Becoming complete.

Dawn was approaching.

Later he stayed by her side comforting her until she stopped crying, only then did he leave briefly – to fetch hot water for her.

This desolate mountain dwelling was very crude. Besides Qing Zhu, there were no other servants, and naturally Qing Zhu couldn’t serve a woman like Shen Xiling, so Qi Ying inevitably had to handle many things personally.

He returned after a while, carrying a wooden basin and clean cloth for her to wash with. And Shen Xiling became clingy with him again like before. He had only been away briefly but she missed him terribly. When he returned, she immediately nestled back into his arms, insisting he hold her.

Still just a clingy little kitten.

Having gone through so many twists and turns to finally be together again, both knew how precious this was. For a moment they were even more entangled than when they first became intimate years ago. Soon they were entwined again. Shen Xiling was only wrapped in the quilt then, and with the slightest movement inevitably exposed her skin. That snow-white beautiful body still bore many traces of their indulgence from last night, truly quite alluring and provocative. Upon seeing this, Qi Ying’s gaze changed somewhat. He casually set the water basin aside and turned to press her onto the bed.

They had crossed that line and now had no more taboos. Kissing and kissing, they were about to relive yesterday’s passion. Shen Xiling was also moved, but while being intimate with him, she didn’t forget to resist, saying softly in his ear: “No…”

He could naturally feel her arousal, so he thought this resistance was just the little girl’s modesty. Therefore he didn’t stop their intimacy, but went further to kiss her beautiful neck. Unexpectedly, he heard her say even more quietly: “It still hurts…”

These words stunned Qi Ying. He really thought for a while before understanding her meaning.

Right, her body was originally delicate, and it was her first time being intimate. She must be very uncomfortable, not to mention that after taking the powder last night he had almost lost his senses and might have hurt her…

He became worried. All romantic thoughts scattered at once. He quickly propped himself up to ask her: “Did I hurt you?”

She was still nestled in the quilt, her soft black hair scattered on the pillow, still breathing slightly heavily, her cheeks red as if painted with the finest rouge, truly extremely alluring.

She extended her bare arms to hook around his neck, pressing foreheads with him, sweetly and softly chiding him: “False sympathy, as if you really care about me.”

He was amused by her little manner and couldn’t help reaching out to pinch her small face, asking back: “How do I not care about you?”

She pouted, possessing both a maiden’s innocence and a woman’s charm. Compared to when she was little, her allure now had more depth, making her even more captivating.

She smiled and gently bit his ear, saying: “If you really cared about me, why didn’t you be gentler last night when I begged you so…”

…These words nearly cost Qi Ying half his life.

This little one really was…

He was tormented by her teasing, while she appeared completely composed and boldly seduced him, clearly knowing he couldn’t bear to touch her again. He truly had no way to deal with her, could only endure in various ways. He gently pulled away her hands, sat up straight to distance himself from her, then bent down to pick up the water basin, dampened the clean cloth and handed it to her, saying: “While the water’s still hot, wipe yourself first.”

This desolate mountain wilderness wasn’t Fenghe Courtyard with a separate bathroom and spacious bathtub for her to bathe in. For now she could only wipe her body to make do. Tomorrow he would figure out how to get her a bathtub.

His little girl…

She was so wonderful, making him want to give her all the best things, but now not only had he unclearly taken her purity, she was also trapped with him in this wilderness with not even a servant to attend her.

This was all his fault.

Shen Xiling noticed the change in Qi Ying’s mood. He seemed to feel guilty toward her again because of some strange sense of responsibility that seemed odd to her.

She found it somewhat amusing, while her heart also felt tender, glad that he hadn’t changed – he was still exactly the same, loving and cherishing her so much.

She also sat up, snuggling back into his arms to embrace his waist, nuzzling him and saying: “I don’t feel it’s hard. My childhood days were about like this too. I lived like that for eleven whole years, so what’s bad about it?”

She smiled and looked up to kiss his chin, hugging him and swaying a bit, saying: “Having you is enough. Nothing else matters.”

This was the truth.

She wasn’t born into luxury. Before coming to his side, she had spent many years living simply with her mother in a small courtyard. She truly wasn’t someone who cared much about such things.

However, just because she didn’t mind didn’t mean Qi Ying didn’t mind. The more she showed she didn’t care, the more he cared. Though he didn’t show it on his face, he felt even more sorry for her in his heart.

He sighed, gently embracing her without saying a word, but his eyes showed deep thought.

Shen Xiling noticed his silence but didn’t know what he was thinking. Assuming he was still feeling guilty, she felt truly helpless and tried to joke around to make him stop obsessing over this matter.

She shook his hand, saying: “Since you feel sorry for me, you must remember to compensate me in the future.”

Qi Ying came back to his senses, looked down at her, saw her beautiful appearance, and couldn’t help but gently kiss her eyelashes, asking: “What do you want?”

Again that look of being willing to give her whatever she asked for.

Shen Xiling’s heart overflowed with sweetness. For the first time in five whole years since their separation, she felt a sense of peaceful times.

She gently played with his slender fingers, tilting her head in thought for a while, then said: “I want to go home.”

Go home.

Back to Fenghe Courtyard.

That’s our real home.

After she finished speaking, she saw his expression become somewhat dazed, then faintly show some emotional fluctuation. He probably, like her, really wanted to go home too.

He sighed and once again took her into his arms. Shen Xiling leaned against his chest and heard him say: “Alright.”

“I will definitely take you home.”

Author’s Note: Given how difficult it is for these two to have a romance, the next chapter will continue with them happily in love [Continuing to be stubborn in the face of word count flags]. Also, regarding the long-term plot thread I mentioned before, I wonder if angels have guessed~ It’s related to the female lead. Our female lead still has room for maneuvering (though in these two chapters she’s turned back into a little kitten in front of her boyfriend again [hehe])