On the very day that Qi Ying entered the palace to attend the new Emperor’s enthronement ceremony, Shen Xiling finally returned to Jiankang, returned to Fenghe Garden.
When the military rebellion broke out in early June, Qi Ying had not brought her along to Xiaoshan, but had her remain in Huozhou, additionally having Bai Song stay by her side to protect her. At that time the situation was too chaotic, and Qi Ying had always been a cautious person, habitually making the worst plans for everything. He was probably worried about failing himself, and wouldn’t bring her to his side until the dust had finally settled.
Shen Xiling naturally understood his meaning, and at that time her arrow wound on her back was also quite serious, indeed unsuitable for traveling about, so she didn’t argue much with him and agreed. He promised to personally come to Huozhou to fetch her after the new Emperor’s enthronement. She had agreed obediently, but later couldn’t bear being separated from him. When the situation stabilized somewhat, she persuaded Bai Song to bring her back to Jiankang, preparing to catch that man off guard.
After five years of separation, returning once again to her homeland, even though Shen Xiling’s temperament was far less sensitive than when she was young, she still inevitably felt troubled and melancholy.
She saw the gates of Jiankang City from afar on the official road, and for a moment her heart overflowed with feelings spanning past and present lives. In her memories she had entered and exited through these city gates several times. Clearly that last time she thought she would never return, yet like destiny itself, at this moment she had returned here again.
Like fallen leaves returning to their roots, her heart felt both joyful and tender, yet inevitably somewhat anxious – this must be what they call being timid when near home.
The carriage wheels rolled on, and they finally entered the city. It was morning then, when the sun was at its best and brightest. The city’s morning market was bustling with activity, pedestrians coming and going, vendors hawking along the streets, all speaking in accents most familiar to her, making her eyes grow warm upon first hearing them.
She saw familiar street scenes, familiar waterways, familiar clothing and hair arrangements. While riding, she also saw many shops she had operated in past years – she even saw Yilou, exactly as in her memory, looking bright and respectable. It was said to have been taken over by other merchants and properly managed all these years.
Everything was as before.
For some reason, Shen Xiling’s eyes grew teary, and waves arose in her heart, as if all the cicada songs of Jiankang City’s entire summer were clamoring together, making her feel restless and unsettled. But when Bai Song finally drove the carriage to a stop at the foot of Qingji Mountain, her heart suddenly became calm, and there was no longer any noise in her ears – it was as quiet as being in a dream.
Yes, a dream.
These five years she had truly dreamed of Fenghe Garden too many times – these one hundred and eight stone steps on the mountain, these shadows of green bamboo covering the mountain, even the fragrance of grass along this mountain path – everything was vivid before her eyes, and to her, had not become the least bit strange.
Shen Xiling stared in a daze at everything before her, inevitably feeling somewhat bewildered, when she heard Bai Song say beside her: “We’re home.”
She was startled by his words, then her heart stirred.
Yes… this was her home.
In this vast world, with its broad rivers and mountains, she could settle and make her living anywhere, but only here… was her home.
Her eyes finally grew moist.
Shen Xiling walked step by step up the stone steps in the mountains, walking on and on, passing several turns before finally seeing the great gate of Fenghe Garden, still with blue tiles and white walls as in the past, still with two lanterns hanging at the gate entrance, the inscription on the lintel still bearing the familiar calligraphy – everything exactly as it had been ten years ago.
Only the gatekeeper who opened the door after she knocked was unfamiliar, and he looked at her strangely too, probably intending to send away this unrelated person, but later seeing Bai Song behind her, he let down his guard.
Bai Song told him to let Shen Xiling enter, but the gatekeeper was very hesitant, saying: “Brother Bai, don’t make things difficult for me… Fenghe Garden has always forbidden outsiders from entering.”
These words made Shen Xiling somewhat sentimental, and she couldn’t help recalling the scene from that snowy night ten years ago when she first came to Fenghe Garden – the gatekeeper then had said the same thing. Bai Song smiled, his expression also showing sentimentality similar to Shen Xiling’s.
He sighed and said to the gatekeeper: “She’s not an outsider. Young Master won’t blame you.”
The young gatekeeper was quite stubborn, still looking troubled. Bai Song spoke several more sentences with him before he reluctantly let Shen Xiling through the gate, and only then did everything within Fenghe Garden finally present itself before her.
Those flowers and trees different in each season, that exquisite and beautiful garden landscape, those elegant and refined pavilions and towers, those winding secluded paths… everything, everything was exactly as in her memory.
As if time had flowed backward, she had returned to those peaceful, gentle, enchanting past times.
She was truly too familiar with this place. Without thinking, she followed the winding small path toward her Wangyu Courtyard. Before entering, she already saw the lush grapevines in the courtyard. She hadn’t yet had time to distinguish what she felt in her heart when she heard faint cat cries.
She looked down and saw that the door of Wangyu Courtyard was cracked open, and a small white ball of fluff had run out shakily from inside, about only one or two months old, with a pair of beautiful blue cat eyes, just like… just like her Xue Tuan’er…
She looked down at it, hesitating whether to pick it up, when she heard a voice from inside the door calling: “Little White! Are you a cat or a monkey? How can you be so mischievous every day! Come back quickly, you—”
The person inside ran out – it was Zijun.
She saw Shen Xiling, and froze in place, looking at her in disbelief, even forgetting to chase the cat.
Fortunately the kitten didn’t run, but circled around Shen Xiling’s feet, seeming to like her very much, lying down beside her and showing its little belly.
Shen Xiling bent down to pick it up, then looked up at Zijun, saying: “Sister Zijun… long time no see.”
Long time no see.
Zijun was still stunned, looking at her and murmuring: “Miss…”
Miss.
This form of address made Shen Xiling even more bewildered… Yes, she shouldn’t be called “Madam,” but should be called “Miss.”
She had returned, she had found those familiar people.
At this moment Zijun finally came to her senses, so she suddenly ran toward Shen Xiling, hugging her and crying loudly, constantly calling: “Miss, Miss… you’ve come back, you’ve finally come back…”
This commotion was quite large, scaring away the kitten in Shen Xiling’s arms and calling out the other people in the courtyard.
It was Shuipei.
She had originally come out to complain about Zijun’s noise, but seeing Shen Xiling had the same reaction as Zijun, so she also cried, several people all trembling with excitement.
Shen Xiling smiled and wiped away her tears, saying to them: “Let’s go inside first… let’s go in and have a look.”
They entered the house together, and here too was exactly as in Shen Xiling’s memory – nothing had changed.
The room was bright and clean, not at all like it had been unoccupied for years. Many things from when she left were still in their original places, such as her hairpins and jewelry on the dressing table, rouge and cosmetic boxes, such as the small brocade quilt she had folded on the bed herself, even the book she had been reading last before being arrested by the soldiers was still on the table, the pages stopped exactly where she had been reading.
Everything, everything was unchanged.
Shuipei was still crying, crying while telling her that since she left, Young Master rarely returned to Fenghe Garden, but he had always instructed them to take good care of Wangyu Courtyard, to keep everything here unchanged. They all knew that Young Master was waiting for her to return.
Even though at that time he didn’t know whether she could ever come back again.
Shen Xiling’s tears fell even more fiercely. Then she heard familiar cat cries… from her bed.
She looked over… and saw Xue Tuan’er.
It was still snow-white as before, only much larger now, lying on the soft quilt on the bed, its fluffy tail gently swaying, not as active as before.
It was already eleven years old…
It looked at her with some wariness and alertness, probably no longer recognizing her. When she tried to approach and pet it, it even dodged, standing up and backing away a few steps, then sniffing her fingers, still not remembering her.
She really was too unqualified a master… leaving it for so long.
Shen Xiling felt somewhat dejected, while also feeling very happy and fortunate – at least she had caught up, could spend another period of time with Xue Tuan’er.
This was already very good.
Shuipei had always been very considerate and reliable. Seeing that Xue Tuan’er didn’t recognize her, she sensed the small disappointment in her heart. To cheer her up, she told her another piece of good news: Fengshang had married Liuzi, and they even had a child, a daughter carved like jade, extremely adorable.
Shen Xiling was very happy to hear this, and asked where they were. Zijun interrupted to say they were still at Fenghe Garden, only today Fengshang had gone out with Liuzi to buy things, and should return in a while.
How wonderful.
Shen Xiling’s feeling of completeness grew even stronger: Shuipei, Fengshang, Zijun, Liuzi, and Xue Tuan’er… everything in her memory was still in place, as if maintaining a sweet dream, keeping everything beautifully continuous.
The only regret was… Qingzhu was no longer there.
Shen Xiling was silent for a while, then looked toward the back mountain.
Qingzhu… you must always stay with us too.
Shen Xiling went to the back mountain with everyone.
Many cherry trees were planted here, covering the entire mountain. Now that the flowering season had passed, the branches were inevitably somewhat lonely, but come spring they would be covered with beautiful flowers. Moreover, every March when Qingji Mountain’s flower festival began, it would be especially lively and full of life.
It was a very good place for eternal rest.
Shen Xiling chose this place as Qingzhu’s burial site.
Bai Song personally buried him under a very tall cherry tree, surrounded by flowing water and birdsong among flowers.
Throughout the entire process he was very silent – silently digging open the earth, silently burying his coffin in the soil, silently standing together with everyone, silently watching others shed tears.
He didn’t look particularly sorrowful, only the scar in the middle of his left eyebrow somehow appeared deeper and more pronounced, perhaps because his brow was unconsciously furrowed tight.
Seeing this, Shen Xiling couldn’t help recalling how Qi Ying had looked when he first heard news of Qingzhu’s death upon waking from illness in early June – also so controlled and restrained, but with thick sorrow floating in his eyes.
She knew that they had both come to see him as family.
Shen Xiling thought hazily, the green shade before her eyes seeming to gradually transform into bamboo shadows, that person who had already left them far behind vaguely taking on the appearance of the young boy from ten years ago – mature beyond his years, rigid and serious, yet also somewhat unexpectedly confused and soft-hearted.
He seemed to emerge from the bamboo shadows, telling them at the same time:
Don’t be too sorrowful, I have returned home, and from now on have no more regrets.
Over the recent months Shen Xiling had encountered too many upheavals, and the journey from Huozhou back to Jiankang had been very arduous. She was truly somewhat tired, lacking even the strength to eat lunch and wanting to sleep.
Shuipei and the others were all very happy, saying yes to whatever she said – one spread new bedding for her, another went to the small kitchen to plan a sumptuous welcoming feast. This atmosphere warmed Shen Xiling’s heart, so she let them bustle about, lying in the familiar room feeling wonderfully at ease, and fell asleep before long.
She didn’t know how long she had slept – perhaps only the time of a few incense sticks, or perhaps several hours. In any case, when she woke up, Qi Ying had already returned and was sitting at her bedside.
He sat beside her, holding a scroll in his hands reading, while she discovered she was sleeping on her side, somehow pillowing her head on his leg. At first he didn’t notice she had awakened, still looking at the book in his hands. Later when she moved, he put the book down, and when he looked down at her his eyes held restrained tenderness.
His voice was gentle: “Awake?”