Shen Xiling was very conflicted.
These three years, on one hand she didn’t want to grow up, lest she might have to leave him; but on the other hand she also hoped to grow up quickly so he would stop treating her like a child. She swayed back and forth, repeatedly, between these completely different wishes, making even herself feel somewhat weary.
It was truly too vexing.
Shen Xiling silently lowered her head, an extremely complex emotion surging up in her heart. When she raised her head to look at him again, her expression inevitably became even more tender and hesitant.
It was an expression Qi Ying was very familiar with – that look of wanting to speak but stopping herself.
She looked with such an expression at his knee beside her, which she had been coveting all evening long. At this moment, under the push of that emotion, she momentarily couldn’t restrain herself and gently leaned against him, nestling close as she said softly: “…Alright, then whatever you say goes.”
For her, this was an act that could almost be called solitary courage – a kind of ambiguous intimacy.
Her intimacy toward him was both very obvious and very subtle: the action of nestling against him was naturally very obvious, while the “you” she spoke was very subtle.
She had always called him “Young Master” for three consecutive years, but now she had said “you,” with a tone carrying small compromise and complaint. It was just a very ordinary form of address, but for their relationship and the boundaries they had maintained in their long interactions, it carried a tentative transgression.
That was an invisible boundary, and she had taken a small step forward, just one inch.
In that instant her heart contracted into a tight ball.
The thrill from being close to him was intense and sustained, and the accompanying nervousness was no less overwhelming, simultaneously making that thrill even more fierce.
She didn’t know what he would do – perhaps he would push her away?
And then? Would he scold her? Or would he become cold and distant without saying a word…
Her slender fingers secretly clenched tight.
In reality, Qi Ying’s thoughts at that moment were far less complex than Shen Xiling’s speculation. Frankly speaking, his mind was blank at that time.
Her sudden transgression also made him hesitant, his mind filled with misty white vapor, just like the scene when she had lifted the steamer lid earlier, leaving him – usually so methodical – uncertain how to react.
Qi Ying very clearly knew such behavior was inappropriate for them as they were now. The little girl had grown up and would soon undergo her coming-of-age ceremony – she was no longer a child. He used to hug her and pinch her little cheeks, but after understanding her feelings three years ago, he had never done such things again, even exercising restraint with ordinary touches.
But now she was leaning against his leg.
He should push her away, or at least stand up imperceptibly even if he had to consider her feelings. But the way she nestled against him was so soft and dependent, stirring up again that strange feeling that had risen in him several times tonight. So he hesitated again, his mind also blank, uncertain what to do.
Thus they both fell into silence.
It was hard to say for which of them the silence was more unbearable at that moment, but Shen Xiling was the first to break.
This was quite normal – after all, she was young and hadn’t experienced as many heart-crushing games as Qi Ying. Of course she couldn’t endure it – at least couldn’t outlast him. Unable to endure, she had to take action; she needed to do something to offset the current anxiety and nervousness in her heart.
She had two choices then: either sit up straight imperceptibly and pretend nothing had happened just now – as long as she didn’t bring it up, he certainly wouldn’t dwell on the matter, and it would be settled; or she could go all the way regardless of right or wrong, take a gamble on how far they could actually go.
She was naturally cautious and careful by temperament and logically wouldn’t dare choose the latter. But having done business outside for three years, she had gradually become bolder. Now with her heart hardened, thinking that not advancing meant retreating, she even took another inch forward: she changed positions, turning her whole body toward him, placing both arms on his knees, with that beautiful little face half-buried at her elbows.
She was lying across his knees.
She even looked at him without any evasion, her eyes carrying a bit of natural feminine charm as she said to him: “Young Master… I still want to eat crab.”
A night breeze passed, and ripples spread in circles across the pond.
Qi Ying was momentarily dazed.
He had always known the little girl was beautiful, beautiful in any expression. But before she was young and looked like just a pretty little child. She had always been well-behaved, and even when acting coquettish, it carried some restraint. She had never looked at him with such a subtly seductive expression.
Young Master Qi had seen too many beautiful women. The political arena was a place filled with power and beauty; being in it, he had seen all kinds of women, each alluring and seductive, yet he had never wavered even for a moment. But now with her lying across his knees like this, looking at him with such an expression, he…
…felt his heart and mind shake.
In the end he still couldn’t push her away, attributing these abnormalities to tonight’s intoxication. He then silently picked up the other crab and answered her: “…Alright.”
He had acquiesced.
Shen Xiling’s heart immediately relaxed. When she came back to her senses, she realized her palms were covered in a thin layer of sweat.
She had thought he would distance himself from her, but he hadn’t. She became happy and didn’t delve into whether his current acquiescence represented anything. She simply enjoyed this rare closeness with him, watching him crack crab for her, listening to the sounds of him cracking crab, her eyes looking very closely at the movements of his slender, beautiful fingers as he worked.
She lay very comfortably against his knees.
Qi Ying could see her contentment and thought perhaps she had raised Xue Tuan’er for so many years that she herself had become increasingly cat-like, even more clingy and coquettish than Xue Tuan’er. Perhaps it was the intoxication affecting him too, making his behavior somewhat improper. He only felt the young lady lying across his knees was endearingly lovable. After dismantling a crab leg, he didn’t hand it to her but directly brought it to her lips.
In that moment of slight intoxication, they were both somewhat entranced.
Half a month of separation – actually, it wasn’t only Shen Xiling who had been longing; Qi Ying also… missed her somewhat, otherwise he wouldn’t have responded tonight when Shuipei went to Huaijin Courtyard. At this moment the little girl was lying across his knees, his fingers very close to her. Watching her eat the crab leg he fed her, that tingling sensation in his heart became even stronger.
This was very inappropriate.
Extremely inappropriate.
But right now he didn’t want all this to stop.
Later he finished cracking that crab for her. Though originally she had said these crabs were bought for him to taste, in the end he barely had a bite while she ate them all.
But by then no one cared about the crabs anymore; they only cared about each other.
The two conversed from time to time. Though they had only been apart for half a month, it seemed they had many things to tell each other.
Shen Xiling told Qi Ying in detail about her experiences along the journey – what the estates she had purchased were like, the mountains and rivers she had seen on the road, the managers and clerks she had dealt with. Originally not someone who talked much, but upon seeing him, she seemed to have endless things to say.
Qi Ying kept listening to her. He saw that when she spoke of happy things she would sit up slightly, and when she grew tired of talking she would lie against his knees for a while. His eyes always held amusement, light and shallow, yet constantly surrounding her. When she asked his opinion, he would answer her in his clear, cold, low voice. As long as she asked, she would certainly receive his response.
He was so gentle and reliable.
That night was too wonderful. Shen Xiling completely didn’t want to part from him. Though she had just returned from traveling and was quite weary from the journey, at that moment she felt no fatigue at all. She only wanted to keep talking with him, or even if they didn’t talk, just lying quietly against his knees like this was also good.
But she was afraid he was tired, thinking he must have expended much mental energy socializing tonight and would have to attend court tomorrow – he should rest early.
Shen Xiling suppressed her reluctance to part from him and looked up to ask: “Are you tired, Young Master? You still have to attend court tomorrow…”
Though she said this, those gentle, lingering feelings were hidden in her brows and eyes. She was extremely reluctant to leave him, and heard him say: “It’s fine, let me listen to you talk a while longer.”
Shen Xiling looked up at him, their gazes meeting. In that moment, a strange and mysterious feeling arose in both their hearts. They both somewhat understood, yet both somewhat didn’t understand.
Indescribable.
Shen Xiling only felt joy and continued talking with him intermittently like that. From time to time he would feed her two cups of ginger tea. Later, when she was really tired of talking but still reluctant to part, she lay against his knees pretending to sleep.
At first she really hadn’t planned to sleep, only wanting to use this as an excuse to stay by his side all night. But thinking she was sleepy, he kept gently patting her shoulder. As he patted, drowsiness really did surge up, and she couldn’t help falling asleep.
So she didn’t see how complex his gaze was as he looked at her after she fell asleep.
The autumn night was cool with wind, yet the little girl had fallen asleep against his knees.
She seemed completely unguarded toward him. Though she was naturally cautious and alert by temperament, she was always like this in front of him – just like the Xue Tuan’er she raised. It would extend its claws at anyone else who held it, but would actively show its soft little belly in front of Shen Xiling.
Such affection couldn’t be achieved overnight. They had been together for three years – over a thousand days and nights accumulated to create the present. Not only was she like this toward him; actually, he was the same toward her.
Three years ago he had tried to sever her hazy feelings for him, but in the end had softened because of that hesitant expression, so he missed that opportunity. Some opportunities cannot be missed, otherwise there will never be another. Having missed that time, afterward it indeed became increasingly impossible to refuse.
He was even gradually becoming somewhat confused: Was his inability to refuse her because he couldn’t bear to hurt her? Or because it also secretly aligned with his own hopes?
Perhaps Mother was right, and perhaps what his brother and sister-in-law had said years ago was also right – he indeed… harbored improper thoughts toward her.
A slightly helpless smile flashed through his eyes, then gradually became heavy. When he looked at her again, his brow furrowed slightly, as if remembering many, many difficulties.
Thinking of her background, thinking of his situation, thinking of his family.
He was confused and wavering.
The autumn night was extremely quiet. Viewing Garden seemed like a corner isolated from worldly strife. Here they could both find a moment’s ease. He could also briefly set aside the heaviness in his heart and quietly enjoy the time spent with the little girl.
He knew he shouldn’t be as rash as he was now – he should consider many things more carefully. He shouldn’t even have permitted her to cross that invisible boundary just now.
But… just for tonight, let it be like this.
Only for tonight.
Author’s Note: Frankly speaking, if they don’t get married, this really will be hard to resolve. (This chapter mainly focused on the emotional storyline – next update we’ll push some plot forward~)