The sound of the closing door echoed in the hallway.
Yun Li’s body trembled as she looked towards Fu Shize.
He quietly gazed at the stairs, his eyes downcast. After a moment, he turned his head, meeting her gaze. Seeing her eyes red with tears, his expression softened. With a reassuring smile, he gently caressed her cheek. “Don’t cry anymore.”
Yun Li had been trying to control her tears, but upon hearing his words, a lump formed in her throat. “I think I messed up,” she choked out.
She had made him feel worse.
Fu Shize led her downstairs. Once they were both in the sunlight, Yun Li noticed he was wearing a gray scarf.
The temperature in Nanwu was in the single digits.
Fu Shize removed his scarf and carefully wrapped it around her neck, gently pinching her reddened nose in the process.
“You didn’t mess up,” he said, bending down to meet her eyes. His tone was calm as he continued, “To be honest, seeing his parents didn’t stir up much emotion in me.”
“But,” Fu Shize planted a firm kiss on her forehead, “thank you, Li Li.”
He gazed at her, her eyelashes still fluttering with traces of tears, her face half-buried in the scarf.
Confirming that his demeanor wasn’t feigned, Yun Li felt slightly relieved. After a few seconds, she asked him in a muffled voice, “Do you still feel guilty about Brother Jiang Yuan? Do you think he still blames you?”
Fu Shize paused for a moment before nodding.
“Have you read his diary entries from the later years?” Yun Li’s voice still carried a nasal tone.
“Up until his freshman year. I thought he stopped writing after that.”
Most people assumed the same, especially since Jiang Yuan’s diary entries became increasingly infrequent.
Yun Li had backed up Jiang Yuan’s diary on her phone. She sent the document to Fu Shize as they returned to the car. Fu Shize sat in the driver’s seat, silently scrolling through the pages.
“I believe Uncle and Auntie will understand too. They won’t blame you anymore,” Yun Li said, placing her hand over his.
When Yun Li first called Fu Shize, his focus wasn’t on Jiang Yuan’s situation at all. Instead, he was worried about Yun Li feeling upset or discouraged after potentially facing rejection.
After reading the later diary entries, he remained silent, turning off the screen and sitting lost in thought.
After more than six years, someone had finally heard Jiang Yuan’s true feelings.
Everyone had misunderstood; Jiang Yuan had never blamed Fu Shize.
At that time, most people lacked awareness and understanding of depression. Jiang Yuan’s decision to stop taking his medication was rooted in his hope to get better. He genuinely believed he would improve.
His final decision to stop medication wasn’t intended as a farewell to the world.
He still loved the people in this world.
The last painful diary entry, where he complained about Fu Shize’s existence, was merely a result of his uncontrollable state during an episode.
Rationally speaking, Fu Shize no longer needed to view himself as a sinner. Jiang Yuan had never resented his presence. The final tragedy wasn’t entirely due to his negligence. Jiang Yuan had planned to stop taking his medication and would have found a way to do so regardless.
He no longer needed to feel uneasy about having a normal life.
However, at this moment, the bitterness embedded in the words surged through his heart. It was as if past emotions suddenly flooded back, nearly overwhelming him.
It turned out, Jiang Yuan had wanted to live too.
Fu Shize composed himself and responded to Yun Li with a soft “Mm,” before starting the car and heading towards Jiangnan Yuan.
Throughout the journey, Yun Li secretly observed his demeanor. He seemed distracted, his reactions to changing lanes and signaling slower than usual.
“How long did you plan this?” Fu Shize asked her on the way back.
“I didn’t plan…” Yun Li hesitated, “Before meeting his parents, I hadn’t thought about what to say. I just hoped they would stop blaming you. I also wanted to find evidence so you would stop blaming yourself.”
“When you told me about the diary entry Jiang Yuan wrote before his death, I felt a bit angry at him.”
She had felt that the existence of that diary entry was what had subjected Fu Shize to years of accusations and guilt.
Fu Shize, keeping his eyes on the road, replied, “Don’t blame him.”
As the car in front braked, Yun Li watched its red lights and murmured, “Mm, we shouldn’t blame him.”
Yun Li recalled that day – the canvas shoes on the red track, his gentle smile dissolving in the sunlight.
One shouldn’t forget his twenty years of kindness and gentleness because of his final stage.
The gentle boy had never done anything wrong.
After a long pause, Yun Li turned to Fu Shize, “What about you? Do you still blame yourself?”
As dusk fell, Fu Shize’s eyes were hard to read. The car weaved through the bustling traffic. After a moment, he smiled, his emotions indiscernible, “I don’t blame myself as much anymore.”
…
The car pulled into the neighborhood, and they stopped at a nearby market to buy some prepared food for dinner. Just as they sat down at the table, Yun Li unexpectedly received a call from Jiang Yuan’s parents.
They wanted to speak with Fu Shize.
Yun Li handed him the phone. Fu Shize stood up, pulled a chair onto the balcony, and sat down.
“Uncle Jiang, Aunt Jiang,” Fu Shize said, using a form of address he hadn’t used in many years.
Only the whistling of the wind could be heard.
“Son, listen to Uncle and Aunt Jiang say sorry to you,” Jiang’s father’s voice trembled. “All these years, we couldn’t accept that our beloved Yuanyuan would willingly leave us, so we blamed it all on you. We watched you grow up, how could we have wrongly accused you for so many years?”
They had just realized that they had watched Fu Shize grow from three to twenty years old.
He had rarely been with his parents since childhood, always running to Heyan saying he wanted to eat their cooking.
They felt sorry for this child. His parents gave him abundant resources but no companionship or love.
Every Children’s Day, it was they who took him and Jiang Yuan to the amusement park.
For several years, because of pain and resentment, they had placed all responsibility on this person who had considered them family.
What happened to Jiang Yuan was something no one wanted to see.
Having said this, tears welled up in his eyes. “It’s Uncle and Aunt Jiang’s fault. We didn’t take good care of Yuanyuan, nor did we take care of you.”
“Today, Lili told us a lot about you, and from what Uncle and Auntie said, Yuanyuan was a good child. He would want you to live well, not feel bad because he didn’t live well. If he knew, he would be very sad.”
Jiang Yuan would indeed think this way.
He would want him to live well.
This Jiang Yuan was indeed the person Fu Shize had known for seventeen years.
The painful memories that had troubled everyone didn’t vanish in an instant today. Countless images flashed through Fu Shize’s mind, eventually fading to blankness.
He also wished Jiang Yuan could have lived well, but it was no longer such a strong obsession.
He responded with a soft “Mm.”
Hearing his response, the people on the other end of the phone finally felt at ease.
Fu Shize recalled many nights sitting here, watching the occupants of the opposite building change. The despair, pain, and guilt he felt when losing his best friend seemed to have gradually faded from his life along with the events of these past few years.
Some hurdles he thought he could never overcome had eventually become just another part of his past.
Yun Li pulled up a chair and sat beside him just as he hung up the phone.
In the cold wind, Yun Li simply hugged him tightly.
Feeling her warmth, Fu Shize came back to his senses. He lowered his head, inhaling the faint floral scent of her hair. His stiff body relaxed slightly as he returned her embrace.
“What did they say?” she asked.
Fu Shize summarized in a few words: “They said they don’t blame me anymore and want me to live well.”
Hearing this, Yun Li felt an indescribable emotion. Everything seemed resolved, yet she didn’t feel the expected happiness. “So how do you feel about it?”
“I want to live well now,” Fu Shize hugged her back, saying softly, “Together with you.”
He wanted to live well, to completely let go of the most guilt-ridden part of his heart.
Yun Li hugged him with all her might. When she looked up, his eyes were vacant, staring at the opposite building.
Yun Li bit her lip and asked, “How do you feel when you think of Brother Jiang Yuan now?”
In truth, Fu Shize didn’t know.
Most of the time, he didn’t think of Jiang Yuan at all.
Years had passed, and Fu Shize could no longer recall the night-long rain or the diluted blood.
His memory seemed to have stopped at the moment before the incident, with Jiang Yuan bringing milk tea to his office and chatting with him.
It was as if his brain was protecting itself, permanently sealing away that part of his memory.
Fu Shize’s expression darkened as he said, “I wish he were still alive.”
He could stop blaming himself so much now.
He could stop being consumed by guilt at night, decaying like old bones over time.
However, even after so long, the pain of Jiang Yuan’s death hadn’t disappeared.
It’s just that he was no longer as sensitive to it; this kind of pain had become familiar to the point of numbness.
“For a long time, I couldn’t accept what happened. Maybe even now, I still haven’t accepted it. I wish he had taken his medication then.”
The death of the closest family members and friends might take a lifetime for the living to heal from the pain.
As Fu Shize said these words, his emotions were calm, yet lifeless. He lowered his head, no longer hiding his true feelings, like a fragile porcelain doll.
“Lili, you’re my closest person now.”
So, no matter what happens, don’t leave like the others did.
He was a very fragile person.
If she hadn’t appeared, he would have long since been unable to bear these losses.
“Then your closest person,” Yun Li cupped his face, “has only one wish, which is your happiness, and she’s willing to spend a lifetime to make it happen. Are you willing to help her?”
Fu Shize’s body stiffened slightly, his thoughts returning to the present. He tilted his head and asked irrelevantly, “Is this… a proposal?”
Yun Li: “…”
“You’re too thick-skinned,” Yun Li said, her sincerity suddenly broken. “How is this a proposal?”
“Oh,” his tone carried a hint of disappointment. After testing the waters, he acted as if nothing had happened: “Just checking, in case you had some hidden meaning.”
“…”
Yun Li awkwardly asked, “So, are you willing or not…”
The question now seemed to carry a different implication.
The corners of his eyes crinkled with a smile, his tone inexplicably solemn: “Then I’m willing.”
…
After cleaning up the dishes, Yun Li nestled in Fu Shize’s arms to watch a movie.
“Were those two a couple?” Yun Li looked up and asked him. Fu Shize hesitated, unable to answer.
Seeing that he hadn’t been watching the movie at all, Yun Li realized he was lost in thought. She went to her room and retrieved her iPad, opening a pre-downloaded two-player game.
Fu Shize’s attention was quickly drawn to this mind-engaging game. The rules were simple: two players use their fingers to control blocks on a map, moving them to corresponding positions.
They placed the iPad flat on the sofa, sitting face-to-face. As the game’s difficulty increased, the number of blocks grew or began to move, causing their fingers on the screen to occasionally intertwine.
In the later levels, as the difficulty ramped up, Fu Shize quickly grasped the patterns. Yun Li, unwilling to admit she could be outmatched even in this type of game, preemptively warned him, “You can’t give me hints.”
Fu Shize raised an eyebrow slightly and replied patiently, “Understood.”
Each round, he would secure his position first, and then Yun Li would manipulate the remaining blocks with her fingers. During the downtime, Fu Shize lowered his gaze to watch her. She was very close, her body swaying slightly as she moved her fingers. The living room was lit only by a small orange lamp, which cast its light perfectly upon her.
He stared at her, and without realizing it, the entire world seemed to shrink to just the figure before him.
Yun Li kept berating herself for her clumsy hands. After yet another game failure due to her actions, she looked up frustratedly, only to meet Fu Shize’s deep, intense gaze.
Both were very close to the tablet screen and only about a centimeter apart from each other.
Yun Li suddenly felt nervous. She looked down and immediately started a new round.
Fu Shize’s hand remained on the tablet, but instead of moving to the blocks, he reached forward and grasped her fingers.
Yun Li, intending to continue playing, asked, “Are we done?”
Fu Shize replied, “I want to play something else.”
“…”
He only needed to move forward a short distance to cover her lips with his own. Following her fingers upward, he slid past her wrist, then cradled the back of her head. His other hand pressed against the sofa beside her leg, cornering her into the sofa’s edge and pinning one of her hands against the cushion.
Yun Li felt her neck pressing against the sofa’s edge. She passively responded to his kiss, recalling his earlier words. She pushed against his chest with her hand, saying, “I’m not a toy.”
“I’m the toy,” Fu Shize suddenly said, pulling her hand to his body. “Do you want to play?”
“…”
Yun Li was momentarily speechless.
Fu Shize asked again, “You don’t?”
He lowered his gaze, his face a picture of asceticism, but his words carried obvious implications. Yun Li stared at his glossy lower lip, swallowing hard. Remembering she hadn’t showered yet, she calmly pushed him away.
“I don’t. I need to shower now.”
Seeing that Fu Shize didn’t stop her, Yun Li tried to move her legs under the sofa. She accidentally bumped into him, and Fu Shize chuckled, “On purpose?”
“…”
Yun Li immediately rushed back to her room and opened her suitcase.
Fu Shize found two comforters and four sets of sheets in the wardrobe, placing them in their respective rooms.
She asked with feigned composure, “Are you going to make the bed?”
The bed was dusty and needed wiping before the sheets could be laid. Fu Shize grunted in affirmation and grabbed a cleaning cloth.
Yun Li quickly removed her makeup from the dressing table, took out her pajamas, and walked to the bathroom. Fu Shize handed her a new towel.
After undressing, Yun Li entered the shower stall. Looking at the bottles on the wall, she realized she’d forgotten her facial cleanser.
Opening the door a crack, she poked out half her head and said, “Can you bring me my facial cleanser?”
Fu Shize’s voice came from the room, “Where is it?”
“In my makeup bag…”
Yun Li suddenly remembered the small pouches in the compartment and abruptly stopped speaking.
She had just hurriedly said “Never mind” when she saw Fu Shize walk out of the room, holding her facial cleanser.
His demeanor was natural.
He probably hadn’t noticed anything.
“Don’t catch a cold,” Fu Shize said as he handed it to her through the door crack, urging her to shower.
Relieved, Yun Li turned on the showerhead. As hot water cascaded over her body, the rising steam seemed to conjure unspeakable images in her mind.
After showering, Yun Li sat at the dressing table applying skincare products. This dressing table was one Fu Shize had bought specifically for her. She remembered mumbling at the time, “It feels like there’s no feminine touch in this room.”
The next day, Fu Shize had taken her to choose a European-style dressing table, complete with an oversized round mirror.
Yun Li looked back; Fu Shize was making the bed.
She slowly dried her hair. The hairdryer’s noise was loud; her short hair used to take only a minute or two to half-dry, but now her long, thick hair required over ten minutes to dry completely.
She thought about when they first met, realizing how much time had passed since then.
Some people remain by your side even as time slips by unnoticed.
Looking up, she saw Fu Shize’s reflection in the mirror.
His fingers were in her hair as he took the hairdryer, gently drying her hair. The air was filled with warmth and moisture. She stared at the fingers caressing her hair in the mirror, occasionally brushing against her skin as they lifted the strands at her shoulders.
The usually annoying roar of the hairdryer now blocked out all other sounds, making the sensation on her shoulders even more distinct.
A moment later, when Yun Li looked up, he turned off the hairdryer.
The air fell silent.
Fu Shize brushed her hair behind her shoulders. Yun Li looked at herself in the mirror, and at him behind her. His hand rested on her hair but didn’t leave; instead, it moved to her neck, gently caressing.
Yun Li was momentarily stunned. Fu Shize lowered his gaze. She wore a white sleep shirt with a low neckline, exposing her collarbones. Her skin there looked almost transparent, still slightly damp.
His cool palm slid down, a stark contrast to her warm skin. The areas he touched felt scorching.
At one moment, Yun Li’s entire body tensed.
She tried to stand, but Fu Shize’s left hand pressed on her shoulder. He leaned down to gently nibble her earlobe, planting hot, tingling kisses along her neck.
A minute or two later, Fu Shize withdrew his right hand, knelt on one knee, and with a swift motion, pulled the chair around so Yun Li faced him.
Yun Li looked down into his eyes, deep and filled with a single, pure emotion.
Her breathing quickened. She said softly, “You saw?”
“Mm,” Fu Shize murmured in agreement. At the same time, he cradled her neck, lowering her head as his tongue boldly invaded her mouth.
Yun Li was lost in passion but still tried to save face. She stammered, “I… I was just being prepared.”
Fu Shize chuckled softly, gently biting her neck. “It’s me who can’t hold back.”
“I… I’m not ready yet,” Yun Li said nervously, shrinking back. Fu Shize tilted his head and asked, “When did you buy them?”
“…”
Yun Li wished she could bury herself in a hole. “Two months ago…”
“I’m sorry,” Fu Shize said, though his tone held no apology. “For making you wait so long.”
“…”
His breath fell on her neck and shoulder. Yun Li dazed, opened her eyes wide, feeling as if countless electric currents passed through every place his kisses landed.
She bit her lower lip, the sensation on her earlobe making her turn her head away instinctively.
When his movements slowed slightly, Yun Li opened her eyes and froze. She instinctively pulled down her clothes, but Fu Shize caught her wrist. He bit her neck and murmured, “Don’t tease.”
Seeming to understand her fears, Fu Shize paused his actions, just staring at her, his gaze slowly moving downward.
Yun Li turned her face away, whispering, “Stop looking.”
He laughed softly and said, “Then I won’t look,” but didn’t stop his kisses that fell on every corner.
Yun Li felt her whole body growing hot, an indescribable desire sprouting from deep within her heart. She lowered her gaze to her wrist, tightly held by him, and used her other hand to unbutton his shirt.
What followed was like a storm. He lifted her directly, placing her on the freshly made bed.
“You know?” Fu Shize whispered in her ear, “I made the bed while hard.”
He continued shamelessly in a low voice by her ear, “After making the bed, I still had to undress you.”
Yun Li blushed at his flirtatious words. She looked at him fearlessly, her eyes full of affection. “Shall I undress you then?” She stared at his white shirt, openly admitting, “Every time I see you in a white shirt, I want to take it off.”
When he wore a white shirt, he always seemed cold and unapproachable, which only intensified her desire to see another side of him.
“Mm.” Fu Shize obediently leaned against the headboard, allowing Yun Li to sit on top of him and unbutton his shirt one by one.
Fu Shize patiently waited for her, but his hands weren’t idle, grasping her ankles and caressing them with his fingertips.
Yun Li’s legs weakened, and she pressed down on his hands.
“Don’t,” Yun Li protested his earlier action.
Fu Shize ignored her words, and when Yun Li continued unbuttoning, he gently grasped her ankles again.
Yun Li, red-faced, said, “Didn’t you say last time that if I said no, you’d stop?”
Fu Shize looked at her and smiled. “I never said that.”
“…”
This smile seemed somewhat shameless to Yun Li. She looked down at him disapprovingly.
He appeared to be passively pinned beneath her, giving her the illusion of having the upper hand. She unconsciously said, “You have to listen to me.”
The caress on her ankles made her crave more. Yun Li abandoned her restraint and actively lowered her head to kiss his Adam’s apple. Fu Shize’s breathing deepened, and he urged, “Are we just undressing this time too?”
Yun Li recalled what had happened in the dormitory last time. Following her heart, she raised her hand, her eyes never leaving his.
His dark eyes were filled with desire, almost completely engulfing her.
With a gentle pull, they switched positions.
Yun Li gazed at the face before her, remembering the video she had seen years ago. That must have been nine years ago now. Back then, he was a fresh-faced youth with a gentle demeanor. Now, the man before her had a sharp jawline, his keen eyes softened by emotion.
He was about to belong to her completely.
A strong sense of possession and satisfaction welled up in her heart.
Yun Li leaned forward, hooking her arms around his neck. Fu Shize embraced her shoulders, his grip gradually tightening. She felt countless unrestrained kisses falling on her body.
Fu Shize reached under the pillow and pulled out a small package. Then came the sound of plastic tearing, followed by his seductive call.
“Yun Lili…”
The three syllables floated into her ears, sending a shiver through her body. Suddenly, Yun Li gripped the sheets tightly. Seeing her frown in pain, Fu Shize patiently kissed her brows.
“Lili…”
With his call, he drew them closer inch by inch, restrained yet tender. Seeing her brow completely relax, Fu Shize asked in a husky voice, “Better now?”
Yun Li nodded slightly, her face flushed. She pushed against his shoulder, stammering, “Can… can you put on some music?”
Hearing the vulnerability in her voice, Fu Shize chuckled softly. He reached for his phone on the right and handed it to her.
Yun Li’s trembling hands opened the music app. As vintage, melodious music began to play, she tried to turn the volume to maximum but missed the button several times.
She glared at the instigator, but he merely laughed gently, planting a tender kiss on her forehead.
Pushing the phone aside, Fu Shize pulled a pillow from the headboard.
Yun Li felt as if the music had gained a tangible force. Whether long and melodious or rising and falling, every beat was audible. She bit her lower lip hard, but he gently parted her lips with his fingertips.
Fu Shize pressed his lips to her right ear, uttering two indistinct words.
“Love you.”