After this letter was read, the room fell completely silent.

No one spoke. Many people were caught up in the emotion of this letter, more or less remembering that person they once liked in high school – like summer wind, piles of test papers on desks, that figure they chased while running.

Suddenly, Xu Sui’s tightly gripped phone rang with a sharp sound, breaking the silence. Xu Sui felt like a great weight had been lifted, standing up to leave.

She forced out a smile: “I have something to attend to. I’ll leave first.”

This was just like Xu Sui – when faced with things she didn’t want to or dare not confront, she would instinctively escape.

Hu Qianxi had once commented about her: “Nothing is difficult in the world, as long as you’re willing to avoid it.”

Xu Sui picked up her handbag, hurriedly unzipped it to put things inside, the sound particularly loud in the silence.

She turned sideways to leave the sofa when Cong Yirong suddenly questioned sharply in front of everyone:

“So you’ve been chasing Zhou Jingze all along?”

Xu Sui’s body stiffened, then she lifted her foot to walk forward. The sofa was a large semicircle, and when passing by the left side.

The man was nestled in the sofa, jacket open, left hand still holding half a can of beer, middle finger resting on the pull tab, his expression dark and unclear, red light playing on his face.

Silent, dark, with shadows under his eyelids, as if restraining something, like a beast that had been lurking for a long time.

His long legs were crossed, blocking the passage. Xu Sui’s palms sweated slightly. She didn’t dare look at him, her gaze falling on his pants, his kneecap protruding.

“Excuse me.” she said.

The legs in her line of sight really moved aside. Xu Sui walked past, her calf brushing against his knee with a slight rustling sound.

She made it out. Xu Sui breathed a sigh of relief.

Just as she was about to leave, the next second, the man directly reached out and grabbed her arm. No matter how Xu Sui struggled, she couldn’t break free.

Zhou Jingze’s hand went straight to her neck, pulling down forcefully.

Xu Sui was forced to stumble forward, and Zhou Jingze kissed her.

In front of everyone.

Moist lips blocked her lips, mint breath mixing in.

Xu Sui’s face temperature rose sharply, feeling her mouth and teeth filled with his breath, mixed with the taste of beer foam.

Fortunately, Zhou Jingze stopped at one kiss, releasing her, his thumb brushing the hair by her cheek, hooking it behind her ear.

“I’m the one chasing her.” Zhou Jingze announced in front of everyone.

The situation took a dramatic turn.

The old classmates looked completely surprised, the class monitor’s mouth became an O shape, and Cong Yirong’s expression was the most spectacular, like a paint palette had been overturned.

“We’ll leave first. She gets embarrassed easily.” Zhou Jingze stood up, taking Xu Sui’s hand and leaving in front of everyone.

Walking out, Zhou Jingze closed the private room door, shutting out all the curious discussions and various surprised voices inside.

Zhou Jingze held her hand tightly. Xu Sui struggled hard to break free, but unexpectedly a sudden force came, and with a stumble, she crashed into the man’s hard chest. Her chin hurt a bit, their breathing mingled, close enough to see each other’s eyelashes clearly.

“Where are you running to?” Zhou Jingze’s face was dark.

Xu Sui’s heart contracted. She tried to negotiate: “No, let go of me first.”

Zhou Jingze led her to the elevator entrance, leisurely pressed the button, his tone certain:

“No.”

“From my experience, you want to run away right now,” Zhou Jingze raised his eyelids to look her up and down, “unless you don’t mind me making a scene in public.”

He always meant what he said.

Xu Sui immediately stopped struggling, letting him lead her into the car.

Zhou Jingze sat in the driver’s seat with a cold face, driving one-handed while still holding her hand.

All the way, he didn’t smoke, didn’t answer his phone no matter how much it rang.

After getting out of the car, the man directly threw Xu Sui over his shoulder, hand resting on her hip, striding toward home.

The key didn’t go into the hole several times. Finally, with trembling hands, he struggled to turn it, and the door opened.

With a “bang,” in a dizzy moment, Xu Sui was pressed against the door.

Her chest rose and fell violently, unclear whose panting it was.

Zhou Jingze’s black eyes stared at her intently, his gaze sweeping over every inch of her body.

Xu Sui felt restless under his gaze.

Zhou Jingze pressed his thumb against her forehead, tilted his head and kissed down.

More accurately, bit.

Xu Sui tilted her head back, making a “hiss” sound as he buried himself in her shoulder, biting and sucking at that tender, soft spot on her neck.

The neck area felt itchy and numb with pain, soon showing red marks.

The lights weren’t on inside, it was very dark. Light from across cast over, and Xu Sui saw his eyes were very bright, with a flame flickering inside.

Curtains swayed as he held her and continued kissing, escalating, emotions running high.

Xu Sui’s waist hit the table corner, the old wound pulling at her nerves. She frowned, tears gathering in her pained eyes, her hand on his head, saying restrainedly: “It hurts.”

Zhou Jingze’s movements stopped.

With a “snap,” the wall switch turned on, warm yellow light spilling throughout the room.

Zhou Jingze carried a medicine box, half-kneeling in front of Xu Sui.

He lowered his head, a cotton swab in his mouth, unscrewing the iodine cap while his other hand rolled up her green knit sweater.

Zhou Jingze kept his head down, his eyelashes long and black, his profile sharp. He dipped the cotton swab in iodine and gently applied it to the wound.

“Why didn’t you tell me in university that you liked me from the beginning?” Zhou Jingze suddenly asked.

Xu Sui lowered her eyes: “Because I thought it was my own business.”

Secret love had always been her own affair – joy, anger, sorrow, happiness, storms and sunshine, all hidden in her heart.

“What about after we reunited? Why so… hesitant?” Zhou Jingze’s eyes looked at her.

Every time he took a step forward, she took a step back.

Zhou Jingze’s tone was clearly questioning, but when the words came out, it seemed like it was always Xu Sui’s problem.

He was accusing her.

Xu Sui’s eyes immediately reddened.

“I was scared, I was really scared,” Xu Sui let out soft sobs, then, as if she couldn’t hold back anymore, large tears began falling, her eyes red, “What if there’s another Ye Saining?”

Since age sixteen, Xu Sui had liked him, spent three years in university trying to get close to him, then being together, breaking up and entangling again.

She seemed unable to escape those three words: Zhou Jingze.

“After we broke up, I tried to move forward,” Xu Sui wiped away tears carelessly with her hand, saying softly, “but both attempts failed.”

Zhou Jingze half-knelt there, listening with lowered eyes, his heart twisting.

The first relationship lasted only a week. The other person thought Xu Sui wasn’t proactive or passionate enough, that dating her was like being colleagues, so she was dumped.

The second relationship lasted about two months. Xu Sui tried to change herself, be more proactive, actively contact and care for the other person, so everything went smoothly until that winter when he took off his scarf to put on her and finally hugged her.

Lin Jiafeng said her whole body was stiff, very resistant to intimate contact between couples.

And this wasn’t the first time.

“You have someone in your heart you can’t forget. I quite envy him,” Lin Jiafeng smiled bitterly, “but I can’t help you forget him. Sorry.”

“I don’t… necessarily have to be with you,” Xu Sui said, “that’s why I tried dating.”

But every moment, she couldn’t forget him.

Those three words “Zhou Jingze” were like a heart sutra – since age sixteen, they had been her unspoken girlish feelings.

When they entangled again, Xu Sui deliberately acted like she didn’t care, wasn’t jealous, didn’t like him that much, more carefree than before. Only she knew that loving someone was both persistent and cowardly. She acted this way because she liked him too much.

Because she liked him too much, she feared losing him.

Even when she finally agreed to be with him, Xu Sui still hoped in her heart that he could like her a little more.

Someone like Zhou Jingze was sometimes like a passionate sun, sometimes like unpredictable wind.

His skill at loving became higher and higher, but Xu Sui was still afraid – afraid his love would disappear.

The next second he might say he didn’t like her anymore.

Zhou Jingze half-knelt in front of her, and knowing her thoughts, only felt heartache.

He had been wild and carefree by nature, influenced by his family from childhood, witnessing too many joys and sorrows.

Zhou Jingze subconsciously believed love wouldn’t last long – it was desire, sensual hunger, emotional possession, fresh-baked bread, but not eternal.

Until meeting Xu Sui, he gradually changed his thinking.

It turned out that in many moments he didn’t know about, he had been loved for a long time.

Zhou Jingze raised his hand to wipe away her tears, his movements gentle, looking at her, pulling at his lips:

“I’m most afraid of you crying.”

“I really didn’t want to bring up that matter,” Zhou Jingze continued using cotton swabs to clean her wound, his tone pausing, “but now I need to explain it to you properly.”

When he met Ye Saining, Zhou Jingze’s mother had just committed suicide by burning charcoal at home. After her seventh day memorial, Zhou Zhengguo brought Zhu Ling and her son into the house.

That was during Zhou Jingze’s most rebellious period, also a confused and desperate stage of his life.

Zhou Jingze barely attended school then, constantly skipping classes and fighting, either drilling into internet cafes or smoking with people in billiard rooms.

He rebelliously got lip piercings and tattoos.

From a good, upstanding student, he became a degenerate waste.

As if rebelling against something.

Zhou Jingze also met Peng Zi during a group fight at that time.

He was a real street thug, making a living since childhood by collecting rent for bosses and boxing.

Peng Zi was very good to Zhou Jingze then, standing up for him, being first to include him in anything fun, even getting injured because of him.

Fifteen or sixteen was an age of passion and blindness.

Zhou Jingze thought he had made a life-and-death brother.

Also because of Peng Zi, he spent all his time soaking in bars, rotting in entertainment venues, because the hazy, illusory lights could make people briefly forget all pain.

Zhou Jingze skipped an exam because Peng Zi said there was something good to show him that night.

Wednesday, Zero Degrees Bar. Zhou Jingze stuffed his school uniform jacket into his backpack and went straight to find Peng Zi.

When he pushed the door open, Peng Zi threw him a cigarette.

Zhou Jingze caught it, looked up and found a group of people he didn’t recognize sitting inside, all adults around thirty-four years old.

Peng Zi met the confusion in his eyes and explained: “All friends we play with.”

Soon, Zhou Jingze discovered Peng Zi’s real purpose.

This group in the private room was dealing drugs, using fairy dust. Red and purple lights crisscrossed down as they leaned back on sofas one by one, eyes rolled back, lips slightly parted, all with expressions of floating toward death.

As if they had found release.

Peng Zi came over, threw him a packet, asking: “Want to try? This is fucking fairy dust – eat it and forget everything.”

During the day at home, Zhu Ling had cleaned house and thrown his mother’s cello into the storage room.

Zhou Jingze argued with Zhu Ling, and Zhou Zhengguo came out of the study and slapped him:

“What’s the point of keeping a dead person’s things!”

Then Zhou Jingze skipped class and hid with Peng Zi.

Honestly, Zhou Jingze was wavering inside. He was rotting and desperate deep down, actually wanting to see his mother.

To end it all.

When Peng Zi gave him the stuff, Zhou Jingze didn’t refuse, holding it in his palm, feeling it burn.

The lights were dim. He sat in a corner of the sofa, sweat on his forehead.

Around him were lewd, wild sounds. Zhou Jingze looked at their expressions – they really seemed to have reached paradise.

Zhou Jingze put it on the table, picked out a bit with his fingertip, and was about to try when.

A bar server pushed the door open to bring drinks. That person was Ye Saining.

When she reached Zhou Jingze, whether intentionally or not, her hand slipped, spilling the drink, the powder dissolving in the alcohol, ruined.

The glass “clanged” as it smashed to the ground, shattering into pieces, suddenly jolting Zhou Jingze awake.

Zhou Jingze came to his senses, also breaking into a cold sweat.

Ye Saining took out a napkin to wipe the spilled drink on the table, and was directly kicked into the wall by Peng Zi.

Peng Zi walked over, about to slap her twice, when Zhou Jingze stood up to stop him, throwing a stack of red bills from his wallet: “I’ll pay for this. Forget it.”

“Fuck your mother, stinking bitch.” Peng Zi glared at her viciously before letting her go.

Walking out of the bar, a cold wind hit, and Zhou Jingze wondered what the hell he was doing.

Just a little more, and he couldn’t have turned back.

Survival after disaster.

Zhou Jingze truly understood in this moment that people like Peng Zi had never considered him a friend – meeting a rich second generation just gave them another chance to control and make money off him.

That night, Zhou Jingze waited for Ye Saining to get off work and apologized: “I’m sorry.”

“And thank you for earlier.” Zhou Jingze said.

Ye Saining shook out a menthol women’s cigarette from the pack, took a puff, frowning:

“If I’d known I’d get kicked, I wouldn’t have meddled.”

“Medical expenses.” Ye Saining held out her hand to him.

Zhou Jingze was stunned for a second, then gave her a stack of money.

Before leaving, Ye Saining said something to him:

“I can see you’re only a year or two younger than me. There are plenty of people in the world who’ve suffered more than you. Who are you self-destructing for?”

“For people who don’t care about you? That’s emotional waste, not worth it.”

The two parted ways there. Zhou Jingze had an epiphany after that night’s events and actively went to apologize to his grandfather.

Grandfather flew into a rage, beat him half to death with a cane, then confined him for half a month.

Grandfather sighed: “Your life is your own.”

For a long time, Zhou Jingze didn’t even go to bars.

He began his rebirth.

Nothing more than breaking everything apart, starting over, no matter how bitter or tiring, he had to get back on the right path.

A month later, Zhou Jingze went to that bar looking for Ye Saining, only to learn that after that night, she had been fired due to complaints and didn’t even get her last month’s salary.

Bar colleagues privately told him that Ye Saining had been beaten up by Peng Zi’s people.

Zhou Jingze went through great effort to find Ye Saining. At that time, she was serving plates at a barbecue stand, wounds on her face still unhealed.

“Sorry, because of me—” Zhou Jingze felt this sounded pretentious and changed the subject: “Do you have any wishes to fulfill? As long as I can do it.”

Ye Saining was extremely busy. She casually said: “If you really want to compensate me, send me abroad to study. I’m sick of this damn place anyway.”

Who knew, a magnetic voice behind her readily agreed: “Alright, how about England?”

…

“My previous feelings for her were that kind of… dependence that arises from confusion, plus admiration. She was a year older than me,” Zhou Jingze’s tone was slow, “after getting to know each other, I discovered we had quite similar personalities.”

Because of gratitude to Ye Saining and owing her a favor, he granted every request.

“I’m still grateful to her now. After starting work, because of my job, I’ve seen that kind of person. I looked at them from far away then, how to put it?”

“There’s no ‘last time’ – take it once and your life is over.” Zhou Jingze said.

Zhou Jingze pulled down Xu Sui’s clothing, his eyelids twitching, self-mockingly pulling at his lips:

“I’ve actually… always been worried about you knowing this, discovering I’m not as good as I seem.”

“And then you wouldn’t like me anymore.”

He wasn’t as good as he appeared on the surface – he had also been dark, fallen, rotted. He feared that Xu Sui, knowing the truth, would be disappointed, would be disgusted with him.

Xu Sui cried even harder. More than the misunderstanding behind this matter, she wished Zhou Jingze hadn’t experienced so much pain from his family of origin then, going astray and hurting himself.

She also regretted that she wasn’t the one by his side then.

“So… after we broke up, did you like anyone?” Xu Sui still had tears hanging on her eyelashes, asking him through sobs, having cried so hard she hiccupped.

Zhou Jingze was stunned for a moment, then smiled. He looked up at her, tapped her nose, his tone both careful and serious:

“Don’t you understand yet? All these years, I never dated again.”

“Only you.”