As soon as Wei Caiwei finished speaking, both Ding Wu and Wang Daxia felt a chill in their nether regions: Banxia is still the most formidable! And also, you can offend anyone but never her.

Wei Caiwei always brought “surprises” to people. Lu Ying asked: “What is this medicine called?”

Wei Caiwei said: “I named it Extreme Bliss Powder – after extreme bliss, it’s all scattered.”

The name, like the medicine’s effects, was… simple and brutal.

Wang Daxia said: “Next time give me a stronger dose to kill him outright. This guy bullies men and dominates women – who knows how many heinous crimes he’s committed.”

Wei Caiwei shook her head: “No, first you’d be suspected, and second, with him controlling the White Lotus Sect, the people of Xinghua City can at least temporarily spend money to avoid disaster. If he dies before the city falls, these wokou without restraint might slaughter and rob Xinghua City clean.”

The Bright King had the idea of raising golden geese to lay golden eggs, but his subordinates, especially the real wokou, mostly just wanted to make a fortune and return home or flee.

Hearing this, Wang Daxia didn’t act rashly.

Meanwhile, Luo Longwen was trapped in the den of thieves carrying a huge amount of gold. Worried about being targeted by the White Lotus Sect and wokou and unable to explain to his patron Yan Shifan, he sent a carrier pigeon message to anti-wokou general Hu Zongxian for help.

Hu Zongxian also belonged to the Yan Party. A famous general, his alliance with the Yan father and son was born of necessity. The Yan family had maintained court politics for over thirty years – without closely adhering to them, he couldn’t oversee the prolonged anti-wokou war along the southeast coast. Now that the two great pirates Xu Hai and Wang Zhi were eliminated and no significant wokou threats remained, the extermination campaign was winding down. He wasn’t power-hungry and had already cultivated the new anti-wokou star Qi Jiguang.

Hu Zongxian received news from his old friend Luo Longwen. Of course, Luo Longwen didn’t explicitly mention the five thousand taels of gold, only saying he’d come south on business for Minister Yan.

Hu Zongxian quickly mobilized troops, first to recapture Xinghua City and rescue his old friend.

Anti-wokou general Liu Xian was the first to receive orders. Xinghua City had originally fallen because eight of his men, going into the city for support, were killed by wokou who stole their clothes and military orders to disguise themselves as Daming troops and trick the city defenders into opening the gates.

Liu Xian bore primary responsibility for Xinghua City’s fall.

Hearing Liu Xian was leading troops to attack, the Bright King Tie Niu personally took command and marched out with his army.

Early that morning, Tie Niu got up and stood by the chamber pot for a long time. Though his bladder felt full and he sensed urine, he couldn’t form a stream. Like squeezing milk, it came out drop by drop – as if the tube was blocked and water couldn’t flow smoothly.

Tie Niu irritably pulled up his pants and kicked the chamber pot over.

It had been over ten days since his romantic encounter with the married woman Madam Ximen. Tie Niu felt physically weak from excessive indulgence. There were always a few uncomfortable days after such activities, so he’d lie down and rest, but afterward he still felt powerless.

He called for doctors who diagnosed kidney deficiency and prescribed tonics, insisting on abstinence, especially avoiding women. After taking piles of warming supplements, Tie Niu felt energetic enough to manage Xinghua City’s various affairs normally. But whereas Little Tie Niu used to stand proudly each morning, from that time on, he never rose again – could never stand up anymore.

After Tie Niu recovered, he couldn’t forget Madam Ximen’s allure and frequently sent gifts to Wang Daxia. But in his condition – able to see but not partake – it was worse than not seeing at all, losing face before women.

Tie Niu tried several folk remedies, eating roasted sheep kidneys, fried chives, and steamed oysters three times daily, hoping to restore his vigor soon.

But after over ten days, it was useless. Instead, he developed frequent urination, incomplete voiding, and lower abdominal pain.

Tie Niu felt the onset of a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, Liu Xian came to attack him just then, so he had to endure physical discomfort and finish the battle first.

Tie Niu irritably kicked over the chamber pot and went out in full armor. He first smelled rich Western perfume and followed the scent to see Wang Daxia approaching in bright red jacket and skirt, cherry blossoms in his hair, holding the token Tie Niu had given him.

As he ran, his towering chest swayed back and forth. Tie Niu couldn’t help licking his lips, but damned Little Tie Niu showed no response at all!

Wang Daxia lightly flicked his handkerchief at Tie Niu: “You rascal, why haven’t you sought me out since that day? You must have a new love. I had no choice but to abandon feminine reserve and come find the Bright King myself.”

It really wasn’t that! Not that he didn’t want to – he couldn’t. Tie Niu grabbed Wang Daxia’s hand: “Wait for me to return from campaign.”

Wang Daxia’s seductive eyes were soul-stealing: “Take me along. I know some martial arts and can shoot firearms. I won’t burden you – I just want to be with you.” I just want to gather intelligence from you to tip off Liu Xian’s expedition force.

Tie Niu refused: “My troops are well-equipped with more firearms than Liu Xian. I don’t need a woman’s help. Stay here, don’t cause trouble, and obediently wait for my return.”

Tie Niu left, leaving Wang Daxia alone with his sorrows.

Wang Daxia returned home, and as soon as he shut the door, he pulled out two cotton padding pieces from his chest: “I’m dying of heat! This attempt failed – Tie Niu is determined not to let me follow. The honey trap failed.”

Wei Caiwei crouched in the courtyard, examining medicine dregs she’d secretly brought back from the county yamen – medicines Tie Niu had been taking recently, all aphrodisiac substances.

It seems my medicine is working. Wei Caiwei was quite satisfied: “Don’t worry. Tie Niu’s body is already damaged. Too weak to benefit from tonics, he’s been eating so many supplements lately, anxious to restore his prowess, but actually the more he supplements, the more deficient he becomes. I bet he can barely urinate now. His body will collapse quickly. This ailment will slowly torment him without being fatal. The pain below is worse than gout – he probably can barely ride a horse, which will affect his strategic judgment.”

Hearing this, Wang Daxia couldn’t help covering Little Xia: “Indeed, feminine wiles are taboo. ‘A beauty of eighteen has a body like cream, the sword at her waist slays foolish men. Though no heads are seen falling, secretly it withers your bones and marrow’ – slowly wearing him to death.”

Unfortunately, fate didn’t comply. The Bright King’s expedition set an ambush midway and not only didn’t fail but achieved great victory, killing the commanding officer and capturing Pinghai Guard, expanding territory. More wokou came to Xinghua City to join the Bright King Tie Niu.

The Bright King returned to Xinghua City by boat – he didn’t dare ride horses as Little Tie Niu couldn’t withstand saddle impacts, growing more painful each day.

But he still had to attend the victory celebration, not missing chances to boost morale and show off.

The Bright King raised his cup and drank heartily. Under alcohol’s influence, he temporarily forgot his ailments and collapsed into sleep. The next morning, he was awakened by urgent urination. There was a chamber pot beside the bed. Still drunk, the Bright King sat on the bed, closed his eyes, and cupped Little Tie Niu to urinate.

This time, not only was it slow, it hurt terribly! Every little bit squeezed out felt like a small knife scraping. The pain drove away his hangover. The Bright King irritably lifted the chamber pot and smashed it hard on the ground!

Crash! The porcelain pot shattered. The Bright King smelled something wrong and looked down – he was urinating blood!

Terrified, the Bright King quickly summoned all the good doctors in Xinghua City to examine him.

Over ten doctors tremblingly gathered around the Bright King’s Little Tie Niu. It was swollen like freshly stuffed sausage not yet dried, and both testicles had swollen from chicken eggs to goose eggs.

The doctors unanimously diagnosed yang collapse syndrome – kidney qi exhaustion, severe physical depletion. Simply put, his body was hollowed out.

“I-” the Bright King found it hard to speak, “I haven’t touched a woman in almost a month.”

The doctors asked: “What about before? Do you drink?”

The Bright King fell silent. Living a life licking blood from knife edges, his soul was numb. Only women’s bodies could comfort him. Whenever not fighting, he reveled nightly with multiple women. As for drinking, life at sea was humid, so he often drank wine like water.

The Bright King said: “I drank two jars at last night’s victory feast.”

All the doctors warned against touching alcohol, avoiding meat and seafood entirely, drinking only thin porridge until the swelling subsided. As for women – don’t even think about it!

The doctors had some skill. They bled him, applied acupuncture, and prescribed medicine. By evening, swelling had reduced somewhat. Urination still hurt, but not urinating was worse.

Finally finishing urination, the Bright King was in such pain his clothes were soaked through. Physically weak, he needed support to walk.

The Bright King’s illness was kept secret from his wokou subordinates, but couldn’t escape Ding Wu’s sharp eyes. He saw groups of doctors coming and going, secretly stealing medicine dregs to show Wei Caiwei the extent of the Bright King’s condition.

Wei Caiwei examined the dregs with chopsticks, brow furrowed: “Strange, his condition is deteriorating too rapidly. From the strong heat-clearing and detoxifying medicines the doctors prescribed, he should be urinating blood now.”

Wang Daxia regretfully slapped his forehead: “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have used my shoe to hold wine for him. My big shoe held half a jar of wine. The shoe leaked, so I added more wine midway. He drank too much and was poisoned too deeply.”

Everyone looked down at Wang Daxia’s big feet – indeed quite large.

Lu Ying asked: “In your opinion, how many days can the Bright King live?”

Wei Caiwei shook her head: “Hard to say. Some with iron hearts simply cut off the troublesome root and might survive. Those reluctant to remove it – quick death in five days, slow death dragged out one or two months is possible.”

Ding Wu pointed at the medicine dregs: “Can’t medicine save him?”

Wei Caiwei said: “I know my own poison. Moreover, Wang Daxia fed him too much. The Bright King then ate and drank heavily with supplements, further catalyzing the poison to corrode his whole body. He’s beyond saving.”

Lu Ying said: “Before the city falls, the Bright King absolutely cannot die. The anti-wokou army doesn’t know about his serious illness. We must pass this intelligence to Qi’s army.”

Ding Wu said: “I have a plan…”

The next day, Ding Wu recommended Wei Caiwei, this wandering physician, to the Bright King: “…My chronic lumbar strain was treated by Doctor He. The traveling antique merchant’s gout was also treated by Doctor He. Though gout can’t be cured, during this rainy season, the antique merchant’s gout rarely flares up.”

This morning the Bright King again experienced piercing agony while using the chamber pot, suffering worse than death. Desperate in his illness, he didn’t care about using a wandering physician and let Wei Caiwei examine him.

After taking his pulse and examining him, Wei Caiwei assumed a thoughtful expression: “The medicines the doctors prescribed are all appropriate and beyond reproach. This student dares not gild the lily. However, I once saw an ancient prescription saying snow lotus growing in ice crevices of Tianshan mountains has miraculous effects on yang collapse and other terminal conditions. But this medicine is too precious. Prosperous places like Yangzhou with all manner of rare goods should be able to obtain it, but it’s hard to find in small Xinghua City.”

Hearing this, the Bright King grabbed this lifeline: “I’ll send people to escort you out of the city. Go quickly to search.”

Wei Caiwei said: “There are government troops outside everywhere catching wokou. If I go out, I might not return. Better to let traveling companion Boss Ximen and her bodyguards come with me. We’re all registered citizens. We’ll return once we buy the Tianshan snow lotus. However, if Boss Ximen leaves, Madam Ximen will be alone at home, and Boss Ximen will surely worry.”

The Bright King quickly summoned Lu Ying: “Incense Master Ximen will follow Doctor He to obtain miraculous medicine for me. Go with peace of mind – I will take care of your wife. Send her over, and I’ll treat her well.”

Thus Lu Ying and Wei Caiwei left the city to tip off Qi’s army. Ding Wu and Wang Daxia remained in the enemy camp – once Qi’s army began attacking the city, they’d chop off the Bright King’s head in coordination from within.

Author’s Note: Cao Cao: Which scoundrel is saying my lines? End of the month – Zhou routinely begs for comments and nutrition liquid. Though currently still fifty thousand votes short of qualifying… but what if? Still think I can save this.