He Yan never thought there would be such difficult times in life – so difficult that taking one step forward seemed impossible.

It had been a long time since she’d looked at the moon.

Since losing her sight, she had been living in a daze. Though Xu Zhiheng comforted her, promising to stay by her side forever, and He Yan smiled and agreed, despite appearing calm, her heart was filled with confusion and fear. Throughout her life, she had faced many difficulties, usually overcoming them through sheer determination, telling herself that she just needed to get past this one hurdle. Before she knew it, looking back, she had crossed many such hurdles.

But this step, she couldn’t cross it. She didn’t know how to cross it.

No longer General Feihong, now just Madam Xu, He Yan had become an ordinary woman. When an ordinary woman suddenly goes blind, even though her husband still treats her well, this kindness feels like flowers in water – carrying a kind of hollow perfunctoriness. She couldn’t feel it truly.

On the Night of the Seventh, she sat in the manor until late, but Xu Zhiheng never returned. She thought it was due to court matters, only to learn the next day that Xu Zhiheng had spent the previous day accompanying He Wanru to the temple fair. She carefully felt her way to sit by the window in her room, quietly listening to the maids’ idle chatter outside.

“Yesterday, the Young Master and Madam argued so fiercely even the Old Master heard about it. When the master is in a bad mood, we servants suffer for it, and it’s all because of that one in the East Court.”

“If you ask me, Young Master is too soft-hearted. The one in the East Court is blind now – how can the First Madam of our Xu family be a blind person? It’s embarrassing. Madam has been declining all social invitations these days, just to avoid people asking about it.”

A young maid who couldn’t bear it spoke up in her defense: “The First Madam wasn’t born blind, it happened suddenly – she’s already pitiful enough.”

“Pitiful? What’s pitiful about her? Even blind, she gets to stay in the manor being waited on, at least not lacking food or clothes – how’s that different from a pet? The truly pitiful one is Young Master, so young yet bound to spend his life with a blind woman. Our Young Master is unmatched in learning – what kind of woman couldn’t he find? Why must he be stuck with someone like this?”

“Yes! Young Master is the truly pitiful one!”

Such words were like sharp hooks, drilling into her heart one by one, making her bleed.

That night, she sat in her room waiting for Xu Zhiheng to return, and said to him: “Let’s separate.”

Xu Zhiheng was stunned, asking gently, “Why say such things?”

“Or you can divorce me,” she spoke frankly, never one to beat around the bush. “I’m blind now, there’s no need for me to burden you.”

“We are husband and wife,” Xu Zhiheng held her hand and said, “Don’t mention such things again. Get some rest.”

He changed the subject but didn’t deny He Yan’s use of the word “burden.”

He Yan’s heart gradually sank.

Each day after that, she lived a life of complete dependence, frequently overhearing the servants’ mockery behind her back. Madam Xu’s words to her were filled with barbs, repeatedly implying how He Yan was burdening the Xu family.

Xu Zhiheng still treated her gently, but besides gentleness, there was nothing else.

He Yan felt exhausted.

She felt like she was walking on a pitch-black road with no other travelers. She couldn’t see any light ahead, nor was there anywhere to retreat to behind her. She didn’t know when she would reach the end and finish this torturous life.

A few days before the Mid-Autumn Festival, she said to Xu Zhiheng: “I know of the immortal tree at Yuhua Temple on Lotus Snow Mountain. It’s said to be especially magical. During the Mid-Autumn Festival, could we go up the mountain? I want to hang a silk ribbon on the tree and make a wish – perhaps my eyes can still be cured.”

Since losing her sight, she had rarely made requests of Xu Zhiheng. After a moment of surprise, he finally agreed, saying, “Alright.”

It seems when one is unfortunate, even drinking cold water can chip a tooth. In previous years, Mid-Autumn had always been clear, but this year it had been raining for days. When the carriage reached the mountain, the sky was so dark it seemed unnatural. They certainly couldn’t descend the mountain that afternoon. They would probably have to stay on the mountain for the night.

Xu Zhiheng supported her to pray in the temple. A monk placed a red silk ribbon in her hand, telling her the location of the immortal tree behind the temple. He Yan felt the silk ribbon and thanked him.

The monk pressed his palms together and said compassionately, “Even after hundreds of thousands of kalpas, the karma one creates does not perish. When causes and conditions meet, one must receive the fruits of their actions.”

She didn’t understand Buddhist scriptures, and when she wanted to ask more, the monk had already walked away.

In the rain, Xu Zhiheng accompanied He Yan to the immortal tree.

There were stone tables and chairs beside the immortal tree, meant for pilgrims to write their wishes. Xu Zhiheng laid out the red silk for her and placed a brush in her hand, saying, “Write.”

Going by feeling, He Yan slowly wrote: “I hope to see the moon again.”

Without thinking, she knew the writing must be crooked and awful to look at.

After writing, she carefully handed the silk ribbon to Xu Zhiheng, who hung it on the immortal tree for her. He Yan couldn’t see anything, so she didn’t see how her husband stood up and carelessly hung the ribbon on a nearby branch. He didn’t even bother to tie it properly, just draped it there. There was no shelter from the rain on the tree, and in moments, the red silk was soaked by rainwater, the writing quickly blurring into an indistinct ink stain, impossible to make out what had been written.

“Let’s go,” Xu Zhiheng came over to support He Yan away.

A “boom” of thunder sounded, and suddenly a cool wind began to blow, making the tree branches rustle. The untied red silk was blown off by the wind, falling into a puddle of water, splattered with mud.

He Yan seemed to sense something, asking worriedly, “The wind is so strong, will it blow the silk away?”

“How could it?” Xu Zhiheng smiled reassuringly, “I tied it very securely.” After saying this, as if not seeing it at all, he stepped over the fallen red silk.

The rain showed no signs of stopping, and they had no choice but to spend the night on the mountain.

Xu Zhiheng had gone to discuss scriptures with the master of Yuhua Temple. It was already evening, and lamps were lit in the room as He Yan sat quietly.

Usually, at this time, she should have been resting – a blind person had nothing to do except eat and sleep. But tonight the sound of rain was sparse, and she couldn’t sleep. Not knowing what time it was, she called out the names of her maids a couple of times, but no one answered. She slowly made her way along the wall, planning to call someone.

Just as she reached the doorway, she heard two maids talking.

“Did you just hear the First Madam calling?”

“Did she? Let her call, don’t mind her. It’s so late, what does she need people for? Already blind and still making trouble, acting like she’s the First Madam.”

He Yan froze upon hearing this.

These two maids weren’t her attendants but served in Xu Zhiheng’s quarters. Usually, they were most gentle and graceful, and because of Xu Zhiheng, they had always treated her with respect and reverence. She never knew they spoke of her like this in private.

“If it weren’t for her wanting to climb the mountain today, we wouldn’t have to spend Mid-Autumn Festival here, with rain still falling outside. Such bad luck. Young Master is too kind-hearted, not even getting annoyed at dragging along such a burden.”

“You know Young Master’s personality – he might not show annoyance on the surface, but there must be resentment in his heart. Our Xu family has become the laughingstock of the capital now. Young Master has always been proud and ambitious, he must be suffering inside. If I were her, I’d hang myself with a rope, rather than burden others.”

“Shh! How can you say such things!”

The speaking maid was unrepentant, “It’s true though. Like an animal, waiting to be fed each day, eating and sleeping, forever being served by others. Can’t leave the manor, can’t see anything, living a meaningless life. One or two years might be bearable, but to live like this for a lifetime, what’s the point of living? Better to die early and find peace, perhaps be reborn with better fortune in the next life, then she’d be able to see.”

“Stop talking, there’s hot water outside, let’s go get some first.”

The footsteps gradually faded away.

He Yan, facing away from the door, slowly slid down to sit.

Yes, one or two years might be bearable, but to live like this for a lifetime, what was the point of living?

A master’s servants wouldn’t dare disrespect those whom their master truly valued. For these two to discuss her so casually meant that in private, Xu Zhiheng wasn’t as accepting and uncomplaining as he appeared before her.

But in this world, how many people could truly be without complaint or regret?

He Yan didn’t know if the room was lit – to her, it was all the same darkness. Suddenly, a feeling of complete despair washed over her. Training in martial arts as a child, studying in her youth, then going to the battlefield, competing for military achievements – she had spent her whole life paving the way for others. Finally removing her mask, thinking everything could start anew, yet at this moment she was plunged into darkness, trapped forever in a four-cornered mansion, needing someone to follow her every step.

A person’s despair isn’t accumulated in a day. Those small things in daily life eat away at one’s passion, consuming it bit by bit until enthusiasm is completely depleted, disappointment and heaviness pile up layer by layer until the final straw falls lightly, and with a crash, hope sinks to the bottom.

Despair was overwhelming.

She felt her way, slowly standing up.

There was a sash left from her clothes in the room. She haphazardly grabbed an outer garment to put on, took up the bamboo cane she had used since going blind, and tremulously walked out the door.

The mountain temple was already sparsely populated, and with the dark rainy weather outside, the monks had already entered the Buddha hall. She walked aimlessly, yet somehow didn’t bump into anyone.

Thanks to her years as a young soldier, she had developed a remarkably good memory for paths. She still remembered Xu Zhiheng telling her on their way up that near the temple, there was a dense forest by a mountain stream. The cascading waterfall was like pearls falling onto a plate, magnificent.

Mountains, water, and trees – not bad at all. The only pity was that it was raining tonight, with no moon that she loved so much.

A blind person venturing out was always inconvenient, especially on muddy mountain paths. She didn’t know how many times she had fallen, how many times stones had tripped her. She only felt her clothes soaked through, her hair disheveled. Finally, panting heavily, she no longer knew where she was.

She fell before a tree, her head knocking against the trunk. He Yan reached out to feel it – this tree was very large and must have been quite old.

The dense forest with the waterfall was probably impossible to find now, but this place would do. She had never been particularly concerned about external things. It took her quite some effort to move a rock into place.

Exhausted, He Yan sat down on the stone.

The rain had lessened somewhat, falling softly and densely on her body. The young woman tilted her head toward the sky as if she could see the moon. Only rainwater slid down her cheeks as she wiped the water from her face.

“Don’t be a boat on the river, don’t be the moon above the river.”

“The boat carries people to parting, the moon illuminates people’s separation.”

She had nothing worth lingering for in this world. Her only regret was that there was no moon tonight.

He Yan slowly stood up, feeling the cloth near her hand. The cloth was tied tightly; she pulled it down slightly – it was stable, and shouldn’t break.

She kicked away the stone.

The cloth that had been twisted into a rope snapped immediately.

He Yan fell to the ground unexpectedly.

Mud splattered all over her as she lay stunned for a moment, suddenly understanding that the cloth had broken.

Did it break?

In that instant, her heart filled with an inexplicable grievance and bitterness that she couldn’t suppress. She choked for a moment, then began to sob quietly, and finally, lying face down on the ground, broke into loud wails.

He Yan rarely cried.

For a general, crying was behavior that severely affected troop morale. On the battlefield, she always had to maintain an appearance of confidence and spirit, as if nothing and no one could affect her judgment. After she stopped being a general, whenever she wanted to cry, she would think herself overly dramatic.

But everyone has moments of vulnerability. She could endure being neglected, going blind, hearing the servants’ mockery and ridicule, could endure her mother-in-law’s hints about being a burden.

But when even suicide failed, when even the cloth had to break, she couldn’t endure anymore.

Her tears were scalding, falling in large drops down her cheeks into the mud below, impossible to distinguish from the rain.

As she cried heart-rendingly, suddenly she heard an unfamiliar voice.

It was a man’s voice, deep and pleasant in the wind and rain, carrying a hint of impatience, asking: “Why are you crying?”

He Yan’s crying stopped abruptly.

Xiao Jue looked at the woman before him.

This was a woman attempting suicide, her whole appearance speaking of wretchedness. She wore white undergarments but had thrown on a red outer garment, with even the sash tied backward. She must have fallen many times along the way, as her clothes were torn in several places. Her face was filthy, like a painted cat, covered in mud.

Xiao Jue had always been fastidious and found this scene particularly jarring. Finally, he couldn’t help but take out a white handkerchief and offer it to her.

But the woman didn’t take it, instead making a defensive gesture, asking: “Who are you?”

He was surprised for a moment, noticing her gaze was somewhat unfocused. After thinking for a moment, he withdrew the handkerchief and crouched down to ask: “You can’t see?”

The woman was stunned for a moment, then answered fiercely: “That’s right! I’m blind!”

She said it with her head held high.

Fei Nu stood behind him, about to step forward, but Xiao Jue shook his head slightly.

He Yan gripped her fists vigilantly.

She had just wanted to quietly hang herself, but now the cloth had broken, and a stranger had witnessed her pathetic state. Why did heaven always treat her in such unexpected ways?

Xiao Jue gave her a bland look, and bent down to pick up the flying dagger from the ground – it was what he had used to cut the cloth on the tree.

“What do you want?” He Yan asked.

Xiao Jue: “Just passing by.”

He wasn’t a kind-hearted person who liked to meddle in others’ affairs.

Having done this much was already more than enough. Xiao Jue stood up and turned to leave. After walking a few steps, Fei Nu approached and whispered: “Today only Hanlin Scholar Xu Zhiheng and his wife are at Yuhua Temple. This woman must be Madam Xu who went blind some time ago – He Yan.”

He Yan? He raised an eyebrow. He Rufei’s sister?

Xiao Jue turned back to look.

The woman had already felt around and found the cloth that had broken into two pieces. Though not long, even in two pieces it could still be used. She first measured one half around her neck, confirming it would work, then tremblingly began to tie a knot.

She wanted to try hanging herself again.

Xiao Jue found it somewhat bewildering, and then somewhat amusing.

This kind of persistence bordering on foolishness was very much like her cousin.

Most people who seek death do so on impulse, relying on a moment’s determination to hang themselves, jump in rivers, or off cliffs. When it comes to the actual moment, most people would regret it in their hearts, but by then it’s too late.

This woman had already tasted the feeling of near-death, she shouldn’t try again, but unexpectedly she was so persistent that even with a broken rope she wanted to continue.

He should have left it alone – no one can stop someone who is determined to die.

But in Xiao Jue’s mind, suddenly appeared a Mid-Autumn night many years ago, when a young boy returned home nervously, only to find his mother’s cold corpse.

The scene before him seemed to overlap with the past, and for a moment, he couldn’t tell which night was which.

Fei Nu stood behind him, watching in confusion.

Xiao Jue took a deep breath, finally compromising, walked over to the woman’s side, and asked: “Why are you trying to kill yourself?”

He Yan was startled.

She had clearly heard his footsteps leaving, how did he suddenly return? She had spent her whole life compromising, and being manipulated by others. Now, in the end, she no longer wanted to consider others’ feelings. This person’s meddling had already displeased her, so she directed all her anger at him.

She practically shouted back: “Mind your own business!”

The young man grabbed her arm in one motion, pulling her up from the ground.

He Yan was shocked, struggling a few times, but she was already exhausted from stumbling around, and being blind, she was dragged along for a few steps before being dropped, landing on her bottom.

The ground was soft – it was a patch of grass.

That person seemed to stand beside her, bending down to face her, his voice cool: “Why are you trying to kill yourself?”

He Yan also had a belly full of anger, and shouted: “I told you it’s none of your business! There’s no moon today, so I’m killing myself! The mountain path was too slippery, so I’m killing myself! Even the rope I tie has to break, so I’m killing myself! Meeting a meddlesome person like you here, so I’m killing myself! Is that enough?”

She shouted fiercely, but tears rolled down her face. Though meant to be a fierce tiger, she looked more like a drenched, homeless wild cat.

Fei Nu stood nervously behind Xiao Jue.

It was already rare for Second Young Master Xiao to patiently involve himself in such matters, but for this woman to be so fierce was even rarer among rarities.

After He Yan finished shouting, she suddenly felt something wiping her face. Soft, as dense as clouds pulled down from a spring sky.

A detached voice spoke, carrying a barely perceptible warmth of comfort.

“If you’re truly strong, what does it matter if you’re blind? Even blind, you can be the most extraordinary among the blind.”

Her fury stopped abruptly.

All her wretchedness and weakness were exposed, laid bare before others.

“It’s nothing, though I can’t see, I can still hear. With you by my side, everything will be fine,” she had smiled and said this to Xu Zhiheng.

How could it be fine?

How could it not matter?

At night she had traced her eyes with her fingers again and again, praying to heaven to take pity and let her see light again the next day. Those nights of tossing and turning, those nights of gritting her teeth and telling herself it was fine, those nights of pretending everything was normal while unable to cope – they didn’t know about any of it.

They didn’t understand anything.

But a passing stranger understood.

She couldn’t cry, couldn’t let others see her weakness, couldn’t complain, couldn’t lose her temper. It had been too long, so long that these emotions were like silk from a silkworm, wrapping around her layer by layer into a solid cocoon. She sat alone inside the cocoon, isolated from the outside world.

The He Yan outside the cocoon was gentle, optimistic, always smiling, and thinking of others. The He Yan inside the cocoon was suffering, aggrieved, suppressing all her cries for help.

All these years, from “He Rufei” to “He Yan,” she had never truly removed her mask.

Until tonight, when a passing stranger saw through everything, stripped away her mask, and discovered her tears.

All her defenses and vigilance deflated instantly, and she slowly lowered her head as larger tears fell.

He had thought that after saying those words, He Yan would stop crying, but unexpectedly she cried even louder. The rain showed no signs of stopping, and the grass beneath them was already soaked.

Xiao Jue crooked his finger, and Fei Nu stepped forward. He took the umbrella from Fei Nu’s hand and held it over He Yan’s head.

He Yan still hadn’t stopped.

He had never seen such a fierce, bad-tempered woman who could cry so much. It was hard to imagine that He Rufei, with his foolishly happy nature, could have such a completely different sister.

Xiao Jue was bewildered by the crying, and finally, unable to bear it anymore, said: “Stop crying.”

“Why can’t I cry,” she was like an ungrateful wild cat, showing her claws to the person feeding her. Her voice was already hoarse, but she still argued: “Not only will I cry, I’ll kill myself too. I’m already like this, what’s the point of living, wuwuwuwu…”

Xiao Jue: “…”

He had never comforted a woman before, and this was the result of his first attempt. So completely unreasonable?

“What will it take for you to stop crying?” he contained his anger, “and stop trying to hang yourself.”

He Yan sobbed and hiccuped. By this point, she no longer had thoughts of dying. Sometimes people just get stuck at a certain point – if they can pass it, they pass it; if they can’t, they can’t. This stranger’s appearance was inexplicable, and that one sentence wasn’t particularly warm, but…

But, she didn’t want to die anymore.

She said: “If you can give me a piece of candy right now, I won’t kill myself.”

In her childhood, she had loved sweet things, but after age five, Madam He had strictly controlled everything about her. Fearing exposure, even habits like enjoying sweets like other girls had to be changed. Later, in the army, there were no sweet candies, only coarse dry biscuits. After marriage, there was once when He Yan saw He Wanru sick, and Xu Zhiheng went to see her, specifically bringing her a small box of preserved fruits.

For each sip of medicine He Wanru took, Xu Zhiheng would put a preserved fruit in her mouth. He Yan saw this while passing by the window, and for an instant, felt a surge of sourness in her heart, not knowing if she envied how well Xu Zhiheng treated He Wanru or envied that He Wanru could receive so much sweetness for enduring just a little bitterness.

He Yan had never been willful, but tonight for some unknown reason, she seemed determined to be as willful as possible with this stranger.

The young man was slightly stunned and turned his head to look at the person beside him.

The woman’s face had been roughly wiped with the handkerchief, but still bore traces of mud. Her eyes were slightly swollen but unusually bright, with a stubborn expression that seemed familiar.

It was very much like a certain awkward youth.

He was silent for a moment, his slender fingers moving to untie the fragrance pouch at his waist.

Fei Nu was startled.

Holding the dark blue pouch in his hand, he pinched the bottom of the bag, and a piece of osmanthus candy wrapped in paper fell out.

It had been too long – the paper had stuck to the candy, appearing black and unrecognizable. After Madam Xiao’s death, Xiao Jue carried this last osmanthus candy with him. Over the years, this candy had accompanied him through many difficult times. When he couldn’t go on, looking at this candy seemed to let him taste a bit of sweetness in life.

This was the only sweetness in his life, and now he was giving it to a crying, suicidal woman. He thought, his life no longer needed candy, so be it.

He Yan felt something being placed in her hand.

She instinctively gripped it, about to unwrap it.

“Don’t eat it,” the man’s voice sounded beside her.

“What?” she said, “Are you trying to trick me? Just giving me a rock and saying it’s candy?”

He Yan heard his voice, carrying a faint melancholy, “This candy, it’s the last one in the world. It’s very sweet, but you can’t eat it.”

“Are you crazy?” He Yan never knew she could be so presumptuous. She thought this person must have a very good temper and soft heart to tolerate her repeated troublemaking. She said: “Very sweet but can’t be eaten, the only one in the world, was it bestowed by the Emperor?”

She didn’t see the handsome young man sitting beside her smile faintly and say: “More precious than anything bestowed by the Emperor.”

He Yan quickly unwrapped the candy when he wasn’t paying attention and put it in her mouth.

“You…” he was stunned.

“I’ve already eaten it, swallowed it!” He Yan said shamelessly.

He didn’t answer.

This was the first candy she had ever received in her life. The taste was strange, mixed with her tears, quite bitter. She thought, so be it.

“Has the rain stopped?” She couldn’t feel the rain falling on her anymore, reached out randomly and asked the person beside her.

The young man beside her had been kneeling on one knee, holding the umbrella for her. The umbrella wasn’t large, and most of his body was already wet. His angular profile, and eyelashes dotted with fine water drops, gave his gaze a faint tenderness.

“Yes.”

“Is there a moon in the sky?”

The sky was dark and heavy, without even a star in sight, how could there be a moon?

He answered: “Yes.”

“What… does it look like outside?”

“The bright moon is like frost, the pleasant wind like water, the clear scene limitless.”

He Yan showed her first smile of the night, “How wonderful.”

She heard the person beside her ask: “Don’t want to die anymore?”

“No, not anymore.”

“If you don’t want to die, then go home.” He said, pulling He Yan up in one motion. He Yan instinctively tried to grab his hand, but that distinctively jointed, slender hand had already quickly let go.

Xiao Jue walked to Fei Nu and quietly instructed: “Take her to Sister-in-law’s room, let Sister-in-law send her back. I’m a man, it’s not appropriate for me to appear.”

Fei Nu agreed.

As he was about to leave, he suddenly added: “Warn Xu Zhiheng, tell him not to go too far.”

This was meant to stand up for He Yan.

Fei Nu came over to support He Yan. He Yan seemed to sense the other person was leaving and reached out in his direction, saying: “…Thank you, who are you?”

He didn’t speak. He Yan only managed to catch the corner of a sleeve that slipped through her fingers, cool and soft, like moonlight.

Though she couldn’t see anything, she seemed to glimpse light, warm yet cool, burning yet bright, without any reproach, patient and accepting, seeing through all her secrets at a glance while gently embracing her.

In the end, she never knew who he was.

That was the worst Mid-Autumn Festival He Yan had ever experienced, covered in mud, disheveled, a hair’s breadth from the abyss. Fortunately, the moon had been by her side.

There was no moon that night, but the moonlight that night was beautiful. That thin, soft light warmed her for many years to come.