As Xu Yan prepared for her yoga class, she received an unexpected call from Qiao Lin. Surprised to hear that Qiao Lin was in Beijing, Xu Yan suggested meeting in the evening. After a moment of silence, Qiao Lin asked pleadingly, “Where are you now? Can I come to see you?”
It had been two years since they last met when their grandmother passed away. Xu Yan had returned to Tai’an briefly, taking some childhood mementos with her. As she was leaving, Qiao Lin asked, “Are you planning never to come back?” Xu Yan replied, “You can visit me in Beijing.” Qiao Lin then inquired, “Can I call you when I’m feeling down?” “Of course,” Xu Yan had assured her. Qiao Lin often called late at night, sometimes crying for long periods. However, she hadn’t called in the past five months.
Darkness had fallen as they sat in the car. The interior light illuminated Qiao Lin’s profile, revealing bruises on her cheekbone and the corner of her mouth. Xu Yan asked what she wanted to eat. Turning to face Xu Yan with a smile, Qiao Lin replied, “Something spicy would be nice. I can’t taste much.” She sat up straight, pulling the seatbelt away from her belly, and asked, “Can I not wear this? It’s uncomfortable.” “Keep it on,” Xu Yan insisted. “I’m still new to driving, and this car is borrowed.” Qiao Lin leaned forward slightly and said, “Drive faster then. Take me for a spin.”
The road was congested. After inching forward a few hundred meters, they stopped at an intersection. Xu Yan turned and asked, “When are Mom and Dad leaving?” “Early tomorrow morning,” Qiao Lin answered. “What did you tell them?” Xu Yan pressed. “I said I was meeting high school friends. They didn’t pay much attention,” Qiao Lin explained. Xu Yan advised, “If they ask about me, tell them I’m away on a business trip.” Qiao Lin nodded, “I know, I know.”
As they entered the underground parking lot of a shopping mall, Xu Yan applied the handbrake and announced their arrival. Qiao Lin, leaning back in her seat, murmured, “I don’t want to move. This seat even has a heater. It’s so comfortable.” She closed her eyes, seeming to drift off. Xu Yan gently shook her. Qiao Lin took Xu Yan’s hand and placed it on her belly, whispering, “Baby, this is your Aunt Xu Yan. Say hello.”
In the darkness, a smile spread across her face. Xu Yan felt something move beneath her palm, like a gentle wave lapping against her hand. She withdrew her hand and said to Qiao Lin, “Let’s go.”
Xu Yan crouched, clutching her stomach. Under the blazing sun, legs moved around her, leaping over hurdles. “Jump! Jump now!” someone shouted at her. Mustering all her strength, she stood up. The hurdle loomed before her, drawing closer. Someone grabbed her… She realized she was in the car, Qiao Lin’s voice floating above her, “Driver, please hurry.” Feeling reassured, she closed her eyes.
Xu Yan had forgotten she once shared the surname Qiao. She had used it for fifteen years.
When applying for her ID card, she had changed to her grandmother’s surname. Her grandmother had said, “I might die next year. If you need to go back to your parents, you can change it back to Qiao then.” For as long as Xu Yan could remember, her grandmother had always talked about dying soon, yet she lived on for many more years, until Xu Yan finished university in Beijing.
When Xu Yan was born, everyone who heard her cries was terrified. It should have been silent, with no need for washing. She was supposed to be placed in a small urn and buried in the hills outside town. Her father had already chosen the spot, some distance from the family graves, as the spirits of dead infants were believed to bring bad luck.
Seven months into the pregnancy, they had induced labor for her mother. The procedure involved injecting a toxic substance through the amniotic fluid into the fetus’s brain. But perhaps the doctor had missed or used too little because she was born alive and crying louder than all the other babies in the hospital combined. Her grandmother claimed she had found Xu Yan by following the cries. The operating room was empty, with Xu Yan left on the table. Maybe they still hoped the poison would take effect, sparing them from administering another injection to the fontanelle.
Her grandmother had paid the nurse some money and taken her away, wrapped in a blanket. It was a clear early summer night, the sky full of stars. Her grandmother ran to another hospital, watching as doctors placed Xu Yan in an incubator. “Stop crying now. You sleep a while, and I’ll sleep a while too, okay?” her grandmother had said, spending that first night on a chair outside the intensive care unit.
Xu Yan ordered a split hot pot, turning the spicy side towards Qiao Lin. Qiao Lin only ate a few mushrooms. Her chin looked more swollen now, and the bruise at the corner of her mouth had turned purple.
“How did the fight start?” Xu Yan asked. Qiao Lin explained, “Dad was shouting in the family planning office building. When security tried to remove him, they got into a scuffle. Someone pushed me, and I hit the door.” Xu Yan sighed, “What’s the point of coming to Beijing?” Qiao Lin replied, “I just wanted to see you.” Xu Yan pressed, “What about them? Why didn’t you try to stop them?” Qiao Lin said, “Coming to Beijing helps improve their mood.
At home, they fight all the time. Dad nearly set the house on fire last time. Also, there’s a lawyer named Wang who’s interested in our case. He mentioned contacting the ‘Legal Focus’ program to see if they’d do an interview.” Xu Yan retorted, “Haven’t there been enough interviews already? What good has it done?” Qiao Lin said, “That show has a big influence. Several cases like ours were resolved after being featured.” Xu Yan asked, “Will you be interviewed too? Aren’t you embarrassed to appear with your big belly?” Qiao Lin lowered her eyes, silently dropping pieces of lamb into the boiling broth.
After a while, Qiao Lin asked quietly, “Do you know anyone at the TV station who could put in a good word for us?” Xu Yan replied, “I barely know everyone in our channel. The station’s cutting staff; I might be unemployed tomorrow.” She looked at Qiao Lin, “Mom and Dad sent you, didn’t they?” Qiao Lin shook her head, “I just wanted to see you.”
Xu Yan remained silent. Over Qiao Lin’s shoulder, she saw the nightmare that had pursued her for many years. Petitioning, seeking justice. Her father’s eyes, dry as pinned insect specimens, and her mother’s voice, had grown increasingly shrill. Of course, Xu Yan had no right to resent them, as she was their nightmare.
Her father, Qiao Jianbin, had been a middle school teacher before being fired for having an extra child. He felt wronged; his wife Wang Yazhen had become pregnant accidentally after getting an IUD. She had rheumatic heart disease, and several hospitals refused to perform the abortion, passing her along until she was seven months along before the central hospital finally accepted her. They appealed to the Family Planning Commission, hoping to reinstate Qiao Jianbin’s job. The commission stated that as long as the child survived, the fact of an extra birth stood. The child did live, but they hadn’t chosen for her to live. The couple began petitioning, seeking out various people, and giving many gifts, but in the end, didn’t even receive any compensation.
Qiao Jianbin’s mental state deteriorated. When drunk, he would smash things and hurt himself, requiring constant supervision. Though he clamored about returning to work, it was clear to everyone that he was a broken man. Wang Yazhen’s parents were both traditional Chinese medicine practitioners, and she knew some medicine herself. She rented a storefront and opened a clinic. It was a low two-story building; she saw patients downstairs while the family lived upstairs, allowing her to keep an eye on Qiao Jianbin. Qiao Lin grew up in that house.
Xu Yan always lived with her grandmother. In her heart, Qiao Lin and her parents were a complete family, while she was the extra. Whenever Qiao Jianbin saw her, a mournful look would appear in his eyes. She had cost him his job, and not just his job – she had ruined everything for him. Wang Yazhen’s expression was no better, always full of resentment. Besides supporting the family, she had to endure her mother-in-law’s difficult behavior. Her mother-in-law believed that if Wang Yazhen didn’t have heart disease, she could have had a successful abortion, and things wouldn’t have turned out this way.
Every time she visited, she would argue with Wang Yazhen. After she left, Wang Yazhen would argue with Qiao Jianbin. Everyone in this family resented each other. No one resented Qiao Lin. Her existence was reasonable and proper, and she was always trying to resolve conflicts between the others. Her most frequent tasks in those years were mediating arguments and comforting people.
She would praise Xu Yan’s intelligence and good behavior to their parents while telling Xu Yan how much their parents missed her. She always hoped Xu Yan would move back home. But in junior high, Xu Yan had a big fight with Qiao Jianbin and never set foot in the house again.
Xu Yan would ride her Phoenix bicycle past the stone path in front of the clinic. Qiao Lin would lean out of the second-floor window, waving to her. “Pedal faster, you’ll be late,” Qiao Lin would say with a smile. Xu Yan was in junior high while Qiao Lin was in high school. Since the high school was closer to home, Qiao Lin always waited until she saw Xu Yan before leaving. Sometimes, she would wait at the door to give Xu Yan a washed apple.
Xu Yan’s phone rang. It was Shen Haoming, inviting her to join him and some friends for dinner later. Xu Yan hung up. The hot pot in front of them was boiling, with lamb slices tumbling in the red soup. Oil splattered onto Qiao Lin’s hand, but she seemed unaware, focused on arranging the mushrooms on her plate, moving them from one side to the other, and lining them up carefully. She adjusted their positions patiently, ensuring they didn’t overlap.
Then she put down her chopsticks and smiled that empty smile again, asking, “Was that your boyfriend?” Xu Yan nodded. Qiao Lin continued, “You never told me about him. You never tell me anything, you’ve been like that since we were little. What does he do?” Xu Yan replied, “He’s a white-collar worker at a company.” Qiao Lin asked, “Is he good to you?” Xu Yan said, “He’s alright. Are you going to eat or not?” Qiao Lin mused, “It must be nice to have someone you care about, right?”
Outside the restaurant was a busy shopping mall. Several high school girls crowded around an ice cream counter. Xu Yan asked, “Do you want some?” Qiao Lin touched her belly as if seeking an opinion. She leaned over the ice cream case, examining each flavor. “Is raspberry a fruit?” she asked. “Which do you think I should get, raspberry or nut?” “Let’s get both,” Xu Yan said. “I don’t want a paper cup. I want a cone,” Qiao Lin told the girl behind the counter with a smile.
It was a September morning, Xu Yan’s first day of high school. Qiao Lin stood at the school gate, holding an umbrella. Seeing Xu Yan, she walked over smiling, “Why didn’t you put up your raincoat hood? Your hair is all wet.” She reached out and brushed Xu Yan’s forehead, saying, “It’s great that we’re in the same school now. We’ll see each other every day. Don’t leave after school. I’ll take you for ice cream, taro flavor.”
Passing a children’s clothing store, Qiao Lin slowed down. Xu Yan followed her gaze to a sparkling window display featuring a white dress. It was made of shimmering taffeta, with many embroidered blue and pink flowers on the chest, inlaid with pearls, and fine ruffles at the hem. Qiao Lin pressed her face against the glass, saying, “Little girls’ clothes are so pretty.” Xu Yan asked, “Do you hope it’s a boy or a girl?” “A boy, I guess,” Qiao Lin said. “If it’s a boy, maybe Lin Tao’s family will change their mind.” Xu Yan asked, “Has he contacted you since?” Qiao Lin shook her head.
The car left the underground parking lot. The commercial street was brightly lit, with red Christmas stockings and colorful gift boxes hanging in shop windows. The trees along the street were wrapped with ice-blue string lights. A male celebrity smiled from an advertising light box, showing dazzlingly white teeth. Qiao Lin pointed at him and asked, “Do you think he looks like Yu Yiming?” Xu Yan asked, “Did you contact him this time?” Qiao Lin said, “I don’t have his phone number anymore.” After a moment of silence, Xu Yan said, “We’re almost there. I booked a hotel room for you, not far from my place.” Qiao Lin nodded, clutching the seatbelt across her belly.
Yu Yiming came over and sat across from her and Qiao Lin. His shirt was open over his T-shirt, bringing in the scent of rain. The air was damp, and it was getting dark outside. Yu Yiming wiped the water from his face and smiled at them. He had a handsome dimple on his chin.
Reaching the hotel entrance, Qiao Lin suddenly refused to get out of the car. She curled up carefully, as if afraid of dirtying the interior. Xu Yan asked, “What’s wrong?” Qiao Lin said in a tiny voice, “Please don’t let me sleep alone in the hotel. I want to sleep with you…” She looked up with reddened eyes and pleaded, “Please?”
The car returned to the main road. Qiao Lin remained curled up, occasionally glancing at Xu Yan. She asked softly, “Can we cancel the hotel room? Will they charge a fee?” Xu Yan said, “I just thought staying at a hotel would be comfortable. They even serve breakfast.” Qiao Lin said, “I know, I know. I’m sorry.”
The car windows were fogging up. Qiao Lin wiped them with her hand, gazing at the neon lights outside and softly reading the words on the billboards. As the car entered an elevated road, darkness fell around them. She leaned back in her seat, patting her belly, and said, “Little one, will you come visit your aunt in Beijing someday?” Xu Yan remained silent, staring ahead. The windshield was also foggy, with only a short stretch of road illuminated by the headlights, pale and dim.
Qiao Lin stared at Yu Yiming and said, “Your haircut looks terrible.” Yu Yiming replied, “I know you cut hair well, but I couldn’t go two months without a haircut back home.” Qiao Lin put her arm around Xu Yan and said, “Here, let me introduce you. This is my sister, my real sister.” Yu Yiming said to Qiao Lin, “Let’s go, it’s time for evening self-study.” Qiao Lin said, “You go ahead. I’ll sit with my sister for a while. I haven’t seen her in ages.” Yu Yiming said, “We haven’t seen each other in a long time either.
You said you’d visit me in Jinan but never did.” Qiao Lin smiled, “Next summer vacation, I’ll go with my sister.” After Yu Yiming left, Xu Yan said, “Please don’t tell people I’m your sister. Do you have to let everyone know about the extra birth?” Qiao Lin lowered her eyes and said, “I understand.” Xu Yan asked, “Are you two dating?” Qiao Lin said no. Xu Yan said, “Don’t lie to me.” Qiao Lin insisted, “Really, he came to Tai’an as an exchange student. He left after the college entrance exam.” Xu Yan said, “You could leave too.”
Qiao Lin smiled slightly but said nothing.