From childhood, I knew I was born beautiful. When I was six years old, I heard the neighbor’s wife wink and nudge as she said to Mother: “Sister Cai is so blessed – with Xiaotao looking like this, it seems your poor nest is about to produce a golden phoenix.”
I didn’t understand what a golden phoenix meant then, but I understood all too well what poverty meant. After me, Mother gave birth to three more younger brothers, all depending on Father farming those few acres of barren land to survive. One year, the family was down to the last bit of rice and flour. Mother made some dough drops and gave them all to my brothers, leaving only some flour soup for me. That night I was so hungry I could only drink water desperately until my stomach was distended and cramping. I bent over and ran to the wall root to vomit everything up. But there was nothing in my stomach to vomit – only bile kept coming up. The winter night was unusually cold. I leaned against the wall root, shivering constantly, watching the yellow-green bile flow into the stone cracks. In my heart, I swore fiercely: I never want to live like this again.
From the time I began developing, boys from miles around loved to circle around me, and I learned how to use my wiles to get more things from them. The boy who came to find me most often was called Huzi. His mother worked as a wet nurse for a wealthy family in the city and often brought me many novel and rare items. I knew he liked me very much, but I looked down on him. I knew that with my looks, I could eventually exchange them for a better life.
But I acted as if I greatly admired him, begging him to teach me to read and write, even if just to write my own name. He was delighted that I regarded him differently and became even more diligent in bringing me various little trinkets. One Lantern Festival, he secretly brought me a very exquisite food box. The moment he opened it, his eyes showed intense longing, but he still swallowed and handed it to me, saying: “This is called rose pink dumplings. The madam of that household rewarded them to my mother. As soon as I got them, I immediately brought them to you.”
I looked into the pink carved food box, lined with pale yellow brocade, holding eight tender, soft pink dumplings. The sweet, floral fragrance hit me immediately. For the first time, I knew that besides flatbread and dough drops, there could be such exquisite and beautiful food in the world. I looked at my coarse cloth sleeves resting on the food box and suddenly felt a sourness in my heart, silently shedding tears.
Huzi was frightened and frantically tried to wipe the tears from my face, saying urgently: “What’s wrong? Don’t you like them? These are delicacies that only young ladies in the capital can eat!”
I imperceptibly avoided his hand and immediately put on a sweet smile: “It’s nothing. I’m just too moved. Thank you, Brother Huzi.”
Later, I begged Mother daily to send me to a mansion in the capital to work as a maid. Mother felt that saving one person’s food and getting some silver to buy clothes for my brothers was indeed a good thing, so she took me to ask Huzi’s mother for help. Seeing that I could read simple characters and had good looks, Huzi’s mother happened to know that Marquis Xuanyuan’s mansion needed a rough servant girl, so she got me in.
Only after entering the marquis mansion did I realize that such overwhelming wealth existed in this world. Even the maids in the mansion had clear hierarchies and gave orders imperiously. The clothes I was most reluctant to wear were, in their eyes, merely crude, inferior material. Even the rose pink dumplings I had dreamed of were, to them, nothing more than ordinary snacks.
I felt this world was very unfair. None of them were born more beautiful than me – why could they ride over my head and be superior to me in every way? I used many methods, relying on my own cunning to climb up step by step. Finally, one day, I won Concubine Wang’s favor and entered her quarters to work as a second-class maid.
Concubine Wang had high aspirations and always boasted about how valued her brother was at court. Many people couldn’t stand her, but I could follow her temperament and say things that reached her heart, so she liked me very much and always praised me as clever and sensible. But I discovered that the Marquis didn’t often come to her room, and even less so after she gave birth to the Second Young Master.
After the Second Young Master was born, her temperament changed greatly, and she became increasingly dissatisfied with her status as a concubine. Every time she returned from paying respects at the Princess’s quarters, she would fly into a great rage, as if harboring extreme resentment. Gradually, she began doing things in secret, but how could a concubine contend with a princess? I quietly advised her not to do such foolish things, but she viciously slapped me several times and used the opportunity to beat and scold me, as if wanting to vent all her grievances on me. At that moment, I realized that no matter how much a master favored me, I was still nothing but the lowliest of lowly slaves.
One day she got drunk, with only me serving beside her. She mistook me for the Princess and cursed that I had caused the Second Young Master to be born with deficiencies, saying that no matter what, she would get back what should be gotten back for the Second Young Master. I was startled and forced myself to forget this incident, afraid she would see through me when she sobered up.
Just when I was living in daily fear and hoping to find a better way out, I encountered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. One evening, the Marquis came looking for Concubine Wang while drunk, but she was in the Second Young Master’s room coaxing him to sleep.
I helped the Marquis into the room and could see he seemed somewhat heartbroken. He lay on the bed repeatedly calling a name that sounded like Qingyue. I didn’t know who that person was, but I could tell that person must be very important to him. At this moment, a bold idea suddenly arose in my heart. I grabbed the Marquis’s hand and said softly: “Are you looking for me? I’m already here.” At that moment, my whole body trembled with fear, afraid he would see through me and drive me from the mansion. But the Marquis stared at me intently and suddenly pulled me into his embrace. I knew I had succeeded.
After that night, Concubine Wang flew into a great rage and wanted to sell me out of the mansion. But the Marquis felt very guilty. Because I cried terribly the next day, he felt he had violated me in his drunken state and wouldn’t allow Concubine Wang to sell me off at will. Then, perhaps heaven began to favor me – I discovered I was actually pregnant.
Later, I gave birth to a daughter with a pink, chubby little face and tender white arms, suddenly reminding me of the rose pink dumplings I had once held in my hands like precious treasures – the same sweet softness that felt unreal yet too precious to let go.
Although not giving birth to a son was somewhat disappointing, fortunately the Marquis seemed to like this daughter very much and even gave her a name – Xuan’er. When Xuan’er was not yet one year old, Concubine Wang came to see me and said: With my status, I wasn’t even worthy of being a room concubine, but if I was willing to give my daughter to her quarters to raise, she could agree to elevate me to concubine status.
This condition was too tempting. I didn’t struggle long before agreeing, since my own life could be controlled by others at will anyway. My daughter would be lost sooner or later – better to exchange her for some benefits now.
Only later did I learn that the Marquis loved Xuan’er very much. He felt the child was too young to be separated from her mother and disagreed with Concubine Wang’s idea of keeping the child while selling me off. Concubine Wang feared that if he came to my room often, it would cause inappropriate trouble, so she used both coaxing and deception to take Xuan’er away and threw me the empty title of concubine. But only I knew that no one in this mansion truly respected me – I was still that lowly servant who could be trampled underfoot at will.
But I could endure it. I still had my daughter – this was my greatest bargaining chip. I would endure until the day my daughter grew up. I would find a way to reclaim what should rightfully belong to me.
Later, I often secretly ran to Concubine Wang’s courtyard to see Xuan’er, looking for the right opportunity to acknowledge her. Finally, one day, I saw her unsteadily chasing a butterfly and accidentally falling into the flower bed, with no one going to help her. She wrinkled her pink, chubby little face and sat on the ground crying helplessly. At that moment, my heart suddenly contracted – I had never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. I suddenly felt a bit afraid and wanted to turn and leave, but remembering my plan, I immediately rushed over to hold her in my arms and comfort her gently.
Xuan’er finally stopped crying and stared at me with teary eyes, asking: “Who are you?”
I knew the time wasn’t right yet, so I lied and told her I was a maid from another courtyard. I played with her for a while before leaving. After that, I often secretly went to find her and brought her favorite malt candy. Xuan’er liked me very much and became increasingly dependent on me. I knew Concubine Wang didn’t pay much attention to her, usually just leaving her with a wet nurse. The maids judged people by their status and were all very cold to her. Xuan’er was very lonely, and I was the only person who was good to her. I understood that this was my greatest opportunity.
One day, I deliberately held a swaddling cloth embroidered with her name and secretly cried, until Xuan’er questioned me persistently. Only then did I deliberately tell her that I was her real mother. Xuan’er was both surprised and remorseful, throwing herself into my arms and crying bitterly for a long time before raising her head and timidly calling me “Mother.”
Hearing her timid call, I felt my entire heart was about to melt. Even though everything was going according to my plan, I couldn’t help crying with her until we were both tear-stained. Later, when she was tired from crying, she fell asleep in my arms. I saw her tender little face still bearing tear tracks, her chubby little hands gripping my arm tightly, as if afraid I would disappear when she woke up.
That was the first time I discovered that Xuan’er was a piece of flesh fallen from my body. Each of her tears seemed to drip on my heart, and every separation from her was as unbearable as having flesh stripped and bones picked.
Perhaps fate was already determined at that moment. My little rose dumpling – that was a luxury that should never have belonged to me. All my struggles and obsessions only tarnished this beautiful treasure and covered it with undeserved dust…