Once certain things begin, there’s no turning back. Ever since I willingly entered the Marquis’ Mansion, I’ve had to climb desperately upward, with no room for softness or retreat.
When Xuan’er woke up, I touched her head and asked if she wanted to return to her mother’s side. She nodded vigorously, her eyes sparkling with longing, a sight that made me want to flee. Yet, I continued with the original plan, teaching her that the first step was to win His Highness’s favor and escape Aunt’s control so that there might be a chance for us, mother and daughter, to reunite.
Xuan’er was a clever child, and it was too easy for her to accomplish this. She followed my instructions, secretly injuring herself and tearfully telling His Highness that the maids around her always neglected her, causing her to accidentally hurt herself. His Highness became furious and later moved her to his courtyard, assigning her caring maids and tutors. When she recounted all this to me, I felt satisfied and proud. My little darling would grow into a true lady of the Marquis’ Mansion.
But as Xuan’er grew older, my status remained low, and no matter how much she subtly inquired about her birth mother in His Highness’s presence, he only encouraged her to serve the princess well in the future. It was then that I realized my careful planning was driving me further away from Xuan’er.
Meanwhile, Aunt’s influence continued to rise, almost as if she were the mistress of the Marquis’ Mansion, wielding control over its affairs. I refused to accept it. Why should she, who deprived me of my daughter, continue to trample upon me for a lifetime? Since childhood, I’ve known nothing of surrender. I refused to be the trembling girl leaning against the wall, shivering with hunger. If the heavens were unwilling to give me what I desired, I would take it myself.
But Aunt had a powerful background and a son. It was said that her elder brother had risen high in the court, to the extent that even His Highness had to give him some face. What could I use to compete with her? Just as I was sinking into deep anxiety, that person came to find me for the first time.
I was surprised. Why would someone of her status pay attention to me? Yet she told me that in this Marquis’ Mansion, we shared a common enemy. If I listened to her, she assured me that she could help me regain my daughter and even give me a position no less than Aunt’s.
I knew she was using me, but what did it matter? I would rather be a person of value to someone than be a mere ant that no one noticed. So I almost hesitated and agreed to cooperate with her. I followed her instructions, allowing Xuan’er to use His Highness and the young master’s trust to secretly eavesdrop on all their secret discussions and relay them to her without fail. Meanwhile, I quietly gathered information about everything happening in the inner courtyard, hoping to find evidence against Aunt.
Yet I always felt that she wanted me to do more than just deal with Aunt. So I took precautions, using the guise of learning to write as a cover, secretly jotting down all the secrets I uncovered. Gradually, I began to enjoy this feeling, knowing every person’s secrets like a shadow, giving me a sense of control in the Marquis’ Mansion for the first time.
Later, the young master ascended to his title, but Aunt became even more arrogant due to the princess’s seclusion from religious practices. Her brother also began to pressure His Highness to elevate her to the position of concubine. I was anxious, but I knew that she would not stand idly by. The higher Aunt climbed now, the harder she would fall later.
However, as Xuan’er grew older, she began to realize that what we were doing was wrong. She told me countless times that she wanted to give up, but I always persuaded her with tears and promises. Xuan’er was still too young; how could she resist the years of planning I had put into this? Yet every time I saw the panic and helplessness in her eyes, I felt a faint pang in my heart, like the year I saw her accidentally fall in the bushes, unable to find anyone to help her. Then, she had no one to trust, but this time, she had trusted the wrong person.
So I secretly vowed in my heart that one day, I would make it up to her and repay all the debts I owed her. In this lifetime, I owed too many people, but I only owed one person, Xuan’er.
All the changes began on the day when His Highness took a wife. I didn’t understand what had happened exactly, but I could see that many things were beginning to change. Xuan’er told me that she liked this new sister-in-law and couldn’t bear to harm her. What a naive girl. How could I have the courage to touch the new lady of the Marquis’ Mansion? Yet I knew someone was secretly watching her, besides Aunt, who couldn’t stand the thought of her ugly deeds being exposed. But I dared not delve deeper because I vaguely felt that there were some things, some people, that I could never touch no matter what.
Later, Aunt was defeated, and she was defeated thoroughly, at a time when she thought she would shine the brightest. I stood in the crowd, watching her hysterically and madly cursing, suddenly feeling a bit scared. Perhaps we were all the same kind of people, unwilling to be manipulated and controlled all our lives. Yet no matter how we struggled, we couldn’t overcome the invisible threads behind us, unable to escape our fates being tossed aside at will.
Aunt’s death made me feel a sense of impending doom. The only consolation was that I finally regained Xuan’er. When she could finally come and go openly in my room, I suddenly felt that as long as this was the case, it was enough. As long as I could see her smile every day, what else was there to strive for or seek?
But that person was unwilling to let me go. She told me that she had fulfilled her promise to me, but I had to continue following her instructions. Reluctantly, I betrayed my promise to Xuan’er, allowing her to create a rift between the young master and his wife to fulfill that person’s plan. I knew Xuan’er was in pain; for the first time, she looked at me with suspicion, not understanding why we, mother and daughter, were reunited but she was still forced to do things she didn’t want to do.
That’s when I realized how terrifying that person was, but it was too late for everything. To protect myself, I had to piece together all the recorded events, hoping to find evidence against that person. Little did I know, I would discover a shocking secret.
When I first discovered this, I was too shocked to believe it. Yet as I emerged from that shock, I found that many things had answers now. I finally understood why Aunt had repeatedly targeted the princess, and I also understood why the relationship between the princess and His Highness had always been so delicate. And only on this day did I realize that one person’s desires could be so terrifying.
So I documented this incident and secretly searched for evidence, these could be life-saving for me and Xuan’er when necessary. But I never thought about exposing this matter. I wasn’t as foolish as Aunt. I already understood that the roots of this mansion were rotten to the core. If this matter could be concealed for so many years, there must be a tacit understanding among some people, and if we delved deeper, it would jeopardize the entire Marquis’ Mansion. And I was just a woman who wanted wealth, prosperity, and peace. As long as she didn’t harm me, what did other matters have to do with me?
But I didn’t expect that Xuan’er would be the first to get into trouble. His Highness discovered everything she had done behind his back and set a trap for her to confess. Fear and guilt changed her almost into a different person. When she asked me with vacant eyes what to do, I suddenly understood one thing: she could have been a carefree lady of the Marquis’ Mansion, with a loving brother and father, and a good marriage ahead. But I destroyed it all, pushing her step by step to the edge of the cliff.
This discovery left me frightened and restless. For several days, I almost had nightmares every night. In those dreams, Xuan’er became thin, almost skeletal, with her fingers, almost revealing her bones, resting on my shoulders. Her eyes seemed to be just black holes, looking at me, she cried out in despair, “Mother, why did you harm me? Aren’t I your most beloved daughter?”
Every time I woke up from those dreams, I couldn’t sleep anymore, I could only bury myself in my pillow, crying until dawn. It was then that I realized that everything I had sought in this life was just a joke. If I could exchange it for the innocence and beauty of Xuan’er, who once relied on me wholeheartedly, I would be willing to pay any price.
So, when on the last day, that person made that request, I felt no pain or hesitation, but rather a deep sense of relief.
I still remember that day, when I put on Guihe’s clothes for the last time, bid farewell to Xuan’er, and prepared to temporarily escape from the Marquis’ Mansion, that person appeared again.
She told me that many people were beginning to notice me, I must not leave, nor let His Highness catch me, the only way out was death. I was unwilling. I tried to blackmail her with the secrets in my hands, but she just laughed. In her mocking smile, I felt like a mouse being toyed with by a cat. All my resistance and balancing acts were nothing more than self-deception.
She had the evidence of Xuan’er secretly spying on the mansion’s secrets for years. As long as I didn’t die, she would let everyone know about this. I could exchange that secret for freedom, but Xuan’er’s life would be ruined.
So I knew it was time. Xuan’er, I lived this life to fail, I didn’t deserve to be a good mother, but I couldn’t be selfish to the end. I once told myself that as long as I could become someone important, and no longer live in poverty, there was nothing I couldn’t scheme or use. But from the moment I saw you again, I knew that everything else paled in comparison to you.
So, it was also time to give everything back to you. From now on, you won’t have the stain of a mother, you can proudly be your third miss, find a suitable husband, and have children around you. When that time comes, will you still think of me? Ha, maybe not.
But I didn’t want to let that person off easily either. I intentionally wrote her name in the farewell letter. I believed someone would understand the meaning behind it, and many interesting things would happen then, but unfortunately, I wouldn’t be able to see it.
Fortunately, she chose a rather good way to die for me. I had Guihe move into the dripping Guanyin basin, and then crushed the juice from the rhizome and swallowed it. The juice was bitter, just like the taste that most often accompanied me in my life. Soon, my mouth began to numb, and then I had hallucinations.
Everything in front of me gradually blurred, and many things emerged and mixed up in confusion. The only clear thing was a chubby, fair-skinned baby extending her hands towards me and sweetly calling, “Mother.” I just turned away, letting her go. Although tears streamed down my face, I smiled happily.
Finally, it felt like I had returned to that year when I was twelve. I sat with Tiger Brother, leaning against an apricot tree, he handed the box of rose pastries to me, swallowing saliva, and said, “This is called rose pastry, it was awarded to my mother by that lady, and as soon as I got it, I brought it to you.”
I smiled gratefully at him, then twisted one and handed it to him, asking, “Is it sweet?” He looked at me in surprise, then blushed and said with a silly smile, “Very sweet.”
At that moment, a shower of flowers fell from the tree, the sunlight dimmed beside us, and time passed calmly.