But many things, once begun, cannot be undone. From the moment I willingly sold myself into the marquis mansion, I could only desperately climb upward, unable to afford even a trace of soft-heartedness or retreat.

After Xuan’er woke up, I stroked her head and asked if she wanted to return to Mother’s side. She nodded frantically, the longing flashing in her clear eyes making me want to flee far away. But I still followed my original plan, teaching her that the first step was to win Father’s favor and escape Concubine Wang’s control – only then would we mother and daughter have a chance to reunite.

Xuan’er was a clever child, sweet and endearing by nature, making this far too easy to accomplish. Following my instructions, she secretly injured herself and tearfully told the Master that the maids around her always ignored her, causing her to accidentally hurt herself. The Master flew into a great rage and later brought her to his own courtyard, replacing her with a group of loyal maids and servants, and even hired someone specifically to tutor her. When she told me all this, I felt satisfied and proud – my little pink dumpling would grow up to become a true young lady of the marquis mansion.

But as Xuan’er grew day by day, my status remained humble. No matter how she hinted to the Marquis about her birth mother, he only told her to serve the Princess well in the future. Only then did I realize that all my scheming had actually driven me further and further from Xuan’er.

Meanwhile, Wang Shuoyao became increasingly powerful, even taking charge of the mansion’s domestic affairs like a proper mistress. I was unwilling to accept this – why should she cause me to lose my daughter and then trample me underfoot for life? I had never known what it meant to admit defeat since childhood. I refused to be that girl who could only lean against walls, trembling with hunger. What heaven wouldn’t give me, I would take myself.

But Wang Shuoyao had family background and a son. It was said her blood brother was rising through the ranks at court, and even the Marquis had to show him some respect. What did I have to compete with her? Just as I fell into deep anxiety, that person came to find me for the first time.

I was very surprised – why would someone of her status notice me? But she told me that in this marquis mansion, we had the same enemy. As long as I listened to her, she could definitely help me reclaim my daughter and even give me a status no less than Wang Shuoyao’s.

I knew she was using me, but what did that matter? I would rather be someone with value to be used than become an ant ignored by everyone. So I agreed to cooperate with her almost without hesitation. Following her instructions, I had Xuan’er use the Marquis and eldest son’s trust to secretly eavesdrop on all their confidential discussions and report everything to her without omission. Meanwhile, I quietly gathered all the news from the inner quarters, trying to find dirt on Wang Shuoyao.

But I always felt that having me do this wasn’t just about dealing with Wang Shuoyao – it was much more complex. So I kept my guard up, using the pretense of learning to write and copying texts to secretly record all the secrets I uncovered. Gradually, I fell in love with this feeling – being like a shadow who knew everyone’s secrets gave me my first taste of control in this marquis mansion.

Later, the eldest son inherited the title, but Wang Shuoyao became even more arrogant due to the Princess’s withdrawal from worldly affairs to practice Buddhism. Her brother also began pressuring the old Marquis to establish her as a secondary wife. I wasn’t without anxiety, but I knew that person wouldn’t remain inactive. The higher Concubine Wang climbed now, the harder she would fall later.

But as Xuan’er grew older, she increasingly understood that what she was doing was wrong. She told me countless times that she wanted to give up, but I always persuaded her with tears and promises. Xuan’er was still too young – how could she contend with my years of scheming? But every time I saw the helplessness and fear in her eyes, I felt a dull pain in my heart, just like when I saw her accidentally fall in the bushes with no one to help her. Back then, she had no one to trust; this time, she had trusted the wrong person.

So I secretly swore in my heart that someday, Mother would compensate you and return everything owed to you. In this lifetime, too many people owed me, but I only owed one person – Xuan’er.

All the upheaval began from the day the young Marquis married. I didn’t understand exactly what happened, but I could see that many things began to change. Xuan’er told me she really liked this sister-in-law and absolutely couldn’t bear to harm her. What a foolish girl – how would I dare to move against the mansion’s new mistress? But I knew someone was secretly watching her from the shadows. Besides Wang Shuoyao, who was unwilling to let ugly affairs be exposed, there were others. But I dared not investigate deeply because I vaguely felt that some things and some people were beyond my reach no matter what.

Later, Concubine Wang was defeated – completely defeated at what she thought would be her most glorious moment. Standing in the crowd, watching her hysterical, mad cursing, I suddenly felt afraid. Perhaps we were all the same kind of people – because of unwillingness, we could only be manipulated and controlled for life. No matter how we struggled, we couldn’t fight the strings behind us or escape the fate of being discarded at will.

Concubine Wang’s death gave me a sense of crisis about outliving one’s usefulness. The only comfort was that I finally got Xuan’er back. When she could finally come and go openly in my room, I suddenly felt this was enough – as long as I could see her smile daily, what else was there to fight for or seek?

But that person was unwilling to let me go. She told me she had fulfilled her promise to me, but I must continue following her instructions. I was caught in a dilemma and broke my promise to Xuan’er. To complete that person’s plan, I had to make her create discord between the young Marquis and his wife. I knew Xuan’er was in pain – she looked at me with doubt for the first time, not understanding why, now that we mother and daughter were reunited, I still forced her to do things she didn’t want to do.

Only then did I discover how terrifying that person was, but it was already too late. To protect myself, I could only piece together all the things I had previously recorded, hoping to find dirt on that person. Who knew I would discover a shocking secret.

When I first discovered this matter, I was so shocked that I simply couldn’t believe it. When I recovered from this shock, I found that many things finally had answers. I finally understood why Concubine Wang repeatedly targeted the Princess, and why the interactions between the Princess and the old Marquis were always so subtle. Only on this day did I understand how terrifying a person’s desires could become.

So I recorded this matter and secretly searched for evidence in the shadows. When necessary, these could be used to save both mine and Xuan’er’s lives. But I never thought of exposing this matter – I wasn’t as foolish as Concubine Wang. I had long understood that the roots of this mansion were completely rotten. For this matter to be covered up for so many years, there must be people who tacitly understood, people who were running around planning. Digging deeper would put the entire marquis mansion in jeopardy. I was just a small woman seeking wealth and safety – as long as she didn’t harm me, what did other matters have to do with me?

But I never expected that Xuan’er would be the first to have problems. The Marquis discovered everything she had been doing behind the scenes and set a trap to make her confess. Fear and guilt almost transformed her into a different person. When she asked me with vacant eyes what to do, I suddenly understood something: she could have been a carefree young lady of the marquis mansion, with brothers and a father who loved her, and would have had a good marriage. But I personally destroyed all of this, step by step pushing her to the edge of a cliff.

This discovery filled me with terror and unease. For several days, I had nightmares almost every night. In my dreams, Xuan’er was so thin only skin and bones remained, placing fingers that almost exposed white bone on my shoulder. Her eyes seemed like black holes, looking at me and crying mournfully: “Mother, why did you harm me? Aren’t I your most beloved daughter?”

Every time I woke from these dreams, I could no longer sleep, only bury my face in the pillow and cry until dawn. At that moment, I realized that everything I had sought in life was nothing but a joke. If I could exchange everything to bring back that innocent, beautiful Xuan’er who wholeheartedly depended on me, I would be willing to pay any price.

So when that person made that final request, I felt no pain or hesitation, but rather a deep sense of relief.

I still remember that day when I put on Gui He’s clothes and bid Xuan’er farewell for the last time, preparing to temporarily flee the marquis mansion. That person appeared again.

She told me that many people were beginning to notice me. I absolutely couldn’t leave, nor could I be caught by the Marquis. The only way out was death. I was unwilling and threatened her with the secrets in my hands, but she only laughed. In her mocking smile, I felt like a mouse being toyed with by a cat – all resistance and checks and balances were nothing but self-deceptive gasping for survival.

She had evidence of Xuan’er secretly spying on the mansion’s secrets all these years. As long as I didn’t die, she would let everyone know about this. I could use that secret to exchange for freedom, but Xuan’er’s life would be ruined.

So I knew it was time. Xuan’er, Mother has lived too much of a failure in this life. I’m not qualified to be a good mother, yet I can’t harden my heart to be selfish to the end. I once told myself that as long as I could become superior to others and never live a hard life again, there was nothing I couldn’t scheme against or use. But from the moment I saw you again, I knew that everything else paled in comparison to you.

So it’s time to return everything to you. From now on, you no longer have the stain of a mother like me. You can be your Third Miss with dignity, find a suitable husband, have children around your knees. Will you still think of Mother then? Heh, it’s better if you don’t.

But I didn’t want to let that person off easy in the end. I deliberately wrote her name in the suicide note. I believe someone will understand the meaning and many interesting things will happen, though I won’t be able to see them.

Fortunately, she chose a decent way to die for me. I had Gui He move in that pot of Dripping Guanyin, then crushed the sap from the roots and stems and held it in my mouth. The sap was somewhat bitter, just like the taste I most often had in this life. Soon my mouth began to go numb, and then I began having hallucinations.

Everything before my eyes gradually blurred. Many things surfaced and mixed together chaotically. The only thing clear was a pink, chubby baby reaching out her hands to me, sweetly calling: “Mother.” But I only turned my back and let her leave. Though tears streamed down my face, I smiled very happily.

Finally, I seemed to return to when I was twelve years old. Huzi and I sat back-to-back against an apricot tree. He handed that box of rose pink dumplings to me, swallowed, and said: “These are called rose pink dumplings. The madam of that household rewarded them to my mother. As soon as I got them, I immediately brought them to you.”

I smiled at him gratefully, then picked up one and put it in his mouth first, tilting my head to ask: “Is it sweet?” He looked at me with surprise and delight, blushing as he smiled foolishly: “Very sweet.”

At this moment, a shower of flower petals rustled down from the tree. Beside us, the sunlight was gentle and the years were unhurried.