The winter of 2019 came exceptionally early. The north wind descended upon this prosperous city, carrying with it a biting chill, piercing and cold. It was barely mid-November, yet the temperature had already plummeted to single digits. The air was gray and murky, filled with unending haze.

Chen Yi had been away from City B for over a month. During this time, Ruan Mian followed Meng Fuping to City Z to participate in a symposium on thymic tumor treatment. During the day, they attended meetings and visited various hospitals for observation and learning. At night, back at the hotel, she still had to organize materials and prepare reports. She was so busy her feet barely touched the ground, sleeping less than eight hours a day.

After returning to City B, Ruan Mian maintained sporadic contact with Chen Yi. But sometimes it was inconvenient—when he called, she would be busy. By the time she called back, there would be no answer.

At the end of November, Chen Yi returned to City B from the southwest and was dispatched to West Asia to carry out a mission. The night before departure, he called Ruan Mian.

Once with no answer, he tried a second time. After calling five or six times in succession, each time ended with an automatic disconnect after a long period of no answer.

At that time, City B was already completely shrouded in cold air. The north wind at night seemed mixed with knives, painful when it scraped across the face.

Chen Yi wore a crisp, neat combat uniform. His military boots covered his ankles, making his tall figure even more slender. He stood in the corridor, his phone screen’s cold light reflecting on his face, casting sharp, defined contours.

After sending a message, he strode across the last few steps, his figure flashing past the corridor in an instant.

After staying at Song Huai’s place for a while, Chen Yi and Shen Yu came out of the office shoulder to shoulder. Both wore the same combat uniforms, their footsteps so light in the night as to be almost inaudible.

Shen Yu held his hat under his right arm, asking in a low voice, “Did you contact Ruan Mian?”

“The call didn’t go through. I left her a message.” Chen Yi looked up toward the distant pitch-black sky, seeing nothing.

Meanwhile, dozens of kilometers away at the hospital, the emergency hall was brightly lit. The clean tiled floor was covered with bloodstains. Wailing, crying, and shouting rose and fell in succession.

A few hours earlier, a major chain car accident had occurred on a crowded street near Xiehe. The casualties were severe. Nearby hospitals couldn’t handle the influx, so a batch of wounded were transferred to Xiehe.

Ruan Mian was called to emergency to help. By the time the rescue mission completely ended, it was already the middle of the night. She followed Meng Fuping back to the thoracic surgery office.

Outside the window, the sky was tinged with foggy white, gray and murky, obscuring the outlines of the tall buildings, only vaguely revealing their edges and corners.

Ruan Mian sat in her seat writing medical records. The office was so quiet that only the sound of pen scratching across paper remained.

After six o’clock, some faint voices came from outside. Ruan Mian stopped writing, rubbing her neck as she leaned back, closing her eyes while reaching into the drawer to feel for her phone.

When she brought it to her eyes and looked, she suddenly sat up straight. Her toes accidentally kicked the table leg, making a thud sound. Ignoring the pain, she hurriedly clicked on one of the missed calls to call back. The receiver transmitted the message that the other party had already turned off their phone.

Ruan Mian put down her phone and clicked on that WeChat message.

[CY]: Eat less takeout. Turned in my phone, don’t worry, I’ll be back soon.

She lowered her head and stared at this message for a long time. In the input field, she typed several words back and forth. In the end, she still sent the four words she said most often.

—Be safe.

At year’s end, the city’s streets and alleys were filled everywhere with thick and fervent New Year atmosphere. The last day of December was Ruan Mian’s birthday.

Usually on this day, Ruan Mian spent it quite casually. She didn’t like excitement. If it weren’t for He Zechuan and Lin Jiahui, she might not even bother preparing a birthday cake.

This year was no exception. The only difference was that of the two people who used to celebrate her birthday, one had now left City B, and the other was on a business trip abroad that day.

On her birthday, because Ruan Mian had to work on New Year’s Day, she had the day off to rest. Early in the morning, after taking calls from Fang Ruqing and Ruan Mingke, she received calls from Meng Xinglan and Lin Jiahui.

Later, she received blessings from various classmates and friends one after another. Ruan Mian replied to each one, but always unconsciously clicked open her chat with Chen Yi.

Their chat record still remained from last month.

Ruan Mian scrolled up, looking through everything until the very beginning, only then realizing with shock that the two of them had unknowingly sent so many pages of messages.

Looking at the content now, it was actually quite boring—nothing more than daily trivialities, as ordinary as could be. She laughed with a sigh. How had she not realized before that their life together was so monotonous?

Every day’s chat was either about eating or sleeping, without a single slightly breakthrough topic.

Ruan Mian looked through their chat records several times, back and forth. Finally returning, wanting to send something, but not knowing how to start. In the end, like writing a diary, she sent over everything that had happened this past month.

As always, the messages sank like stones in the sea.

Ruan Mian didn’t mind. She put down her phone to go to the kitchen to make food. After eating and taking an afternoon nap, the day passed.

In the evening before rest, she received another call from He Zechuan. The two of them chatted as usual for a while. After nine o’clock, they finally hung up.

Winter nights were always much darker than usual. Combined with the continuous haze of recent days, at night the sky had no stars, no moon—it was foggy and hazy.

Ruan Mian had probably slept too much during the day. Now she had no drowsiness at all. Tossing and turning unable to sleep, she simply got up and sat at the desk, looking at several special cases Meng Fuping had sent her before.

The heating in the room was abundant. Even with the humidifier on, it was still somewhat dry. After drinking half a pot of water, she got up to add more water.

The living room was quiet. The light and shadows from the tall buildings outside fell faintly. Ruan Mian rubbed her temples, lowering her eyes, thinking about the materials she’d just read.

The kettle made subtle sounds. Accompanying the water boiling, a series of sharp whistle sounds rang out along with the sound of the door opening in this deep night.

Such sounds at this time inevitably made one’s nerves tense. Ruan Mian turned off the kettle. Without turning on the light, borrowing the wall lamp at the entrance, her hand felt for the fruit knife beside her.

But the next second, her hand relaxed. The knife handle dropped on the counter, making quite a sound.

Chen Yi, who had just entered, heard the sound and looked this way. The dim yellow light and shadow fell behind him. Ruan Mian also instantly saw the flowers and cake he held in his hands.

Like an unexpected surprise, Ruan Mian froze there without moving.

Chen Yi put the flowers and cake to the side, walking straight toward her. The light in the room was dim, making his appearance unclear.

Ruan Mian’s hand still rested on the counter edge. Seeing him approach, her fingers moved slightly, her fingertips touching the fruit knife placed on top.

Chen Yi followed that sound with his gaze. He raised his hand to move the knife farther away, then lowered his head to look at her, his voice slightly deep. “Scared?”

“A little.” She imperceptibly took a deep breath, her hand gripping his wrist. “How did you suddenly come back?”

“I promised you I’d get back before your birthday.” Chen Yi bent down to get closer, still carrying the undispersed cold air and an unusual cedarwood scent. “Fortunately, I didn’t miss it.”

Ruan Mian touched his hands and face—both very cold. “Did you come from the military district?”

Chen Yi made an acknowledging sound. He lowered his head to kiss the corner of her lips, not going very deep. He held her hand and walked outside. The wall clock in the living room had just passed ten.

There were no complicated procedures. Chen Yi watched her make a wish and blow out the candles, then handed over the roses. “Happy birthday.”

The bouquet was gorgeous, carrying a strong but not vulgar fragrance. When Ruan Mian held it in her arms, she only felt that scent rushing into her nose.

She unconsciously played with the petals.

Chen Yi got up, removed his outer coat and tossed it on the sofa. Inside he wore only a black shirt, buttoned up tightly.

He sat down beside Ruan Mian, his knees bent with his arms resting on them, saying slowly, “I left in such a hurry that I forgot the gift in my dorm. I’ll give it to you next time we meet.”

“Okay.” Ruan Mian seemed not to care much. “So do you have to go back later?”

Chen Yi nodded, carefully saying, “Something happened at the military district. I might not be able to go home for a while, but this time I don’t have to turn in my phone. You can contact me anytime.”

Ruan Mian made an acknowledging sound, put down the bouquet in her hands, and said with exceptional understanding, “Then you should go back early. It’s already so late, and I have to work tomorrow. I need to rest soon too.”

The two of them looked at each other for a few seconds. Neither spoke.

Chen Yi looked at her, his Adam’s apple occasionally rolling up and down. After quite a while, he finally said, “It’s not that urgent. I’ll wait until you’re asleep before leaving.”

But Ruan Mian no longer looked at him, her eyes lowered, her expression thoughtful.

Chen Yi struggled but still didn’t say what he wanted to say. He only held her hand. “I’ll be done with everything soon. After this, there’ll be a long vacation.”

“How long?”

“About one or two months.” Chen Yi pinched her fingers, leaned over to kiss her. Unlike the previous restraint and forbearance, this kiss seemed somewhat intense.

Chen Yi tightly held Ruan Mian’s wrist, his palm falling to the back of her head. His scalding lips and tongue unceremoniously drove straight in, their hot and urgent breaths interweaving.

When passion reached its peak, some things were unavoidable. Yet Chen Yi still stopped at the edge of crossing the line, his breathing lingering by Ruan Mian’s ear somewhat unusually deep.

He withdrew some distance back, his brows slightly furrowed. But when Ruan Mian looked over, he forcibly endured and let go. When pulled into his embrace, Ruan Mian heard him say sorry to her.

Ruan Mian didn’t dare hug him too hard. She only asked, “Why are you saying sorry?”

“My job is too busy.”

“I’m very busy too. If you weren’t doing this job, should I be the one saying sorry to you?” Ruan Mian let go of him. The room had no lights on, but her eyes were very bright. “Chen Yi, I’m with you because I like you. This liking won’t disappear because of how you are. Even if you gain middle-aged weight, become seventy or eighty years old and bedridden, I’ll still like you as much as now, or even more than now.”

Chen Yi sat there, his eyes staring at her without blinking. Although he said nothing, Ruan Mian knew his emotions at this moment were very strong.

“When I chose to be with you, I was already prepared to bear all the consequences.” Ruan Mian looked at him, avoiding certain taboo words. “No matter how you are, I can accept it.”

Chen Yi’s voice was somewhat hoarse. “I know.”

But knowing was one thing, wanting and not wanting was another. The two couldn’t be conflated.

“Then what about you? Have you thought about what you’d think if I encountered occupational exposure while treating patients at the hospital and chose to hide it from you?”

Chen Yi looked up at her.

Ruan Mian’s gaze was firm and focused, as if she had seen through and guessed everything. His throat felt somewhat dry. His fist clenched tight then released. He sighed and said, “I knew I couldn’t hide it from you.”

……

Chen Yi had returned to City B more than ten days ago. He was seriously injured. The situation in West Asia was complex, with possible emergencies at any time. After receiving the news, Song Huai immediately arranged for people and a helicopter to bring him and two other wounded back to the country.

After returning to the country, he was urgently sent to the military district hospital. For the past few days, he’d been in a semi-awake, semi-unconscious state. Only three days ago did his condition stabilize somewhat.

The days of being injured made Chen Yi lose track of time. Combined with his condition just stabilizing and his physical weakness, although stable, he was always drowsy.

Yesterday, because of wound pain, he only fell asleep in the morning. He slept until evening. As if remembering something, when the nurse came to administer his IV, he asked the time and realized it was already the thirty-first.

In his current state, just getting out of bed and walking around was enough to make the doctors exclaim, let alone being discharged to go elsewhere.

Chen Yi borrowed a phone from the nurse and called Shen Yu. They had finished their mission and returned to the country three days ago, currently on leave.

After Shen Yu arrived and the doctor finished rounds, he tossed Chen Yi a jacket and sneaked him out of the hospital. “So, should I take you directly there?”

“Go back to my place first.” Chen Yi returned to his residence in the east of the city. The wound couldn’t get wet, so he couldn’t shower. He heated water and wiped himself, trying to remove the disinfectant smell from his body.

After getting ready, before leaving, he uneasily sprayed some cologne on himself. He just didn’t expect that what succeeded through cologne also failed through cologne.

Now, Ruan Mian unbuttoned Chen Yi’s shirt and saw the bandages wrapped around his shoulder. Lowering her head, she said, “You never used to wear cologne.”

“Like this, I noticed even more.” She was a doctor, especially sensitive to hospital smells. Combined with how he kept a certain distance from her all evening, it was hard for Ruan Mian not to be suspicious.

Chen Yi was exposed. He didn’t try to persist, gripping her hand to prevent her from continuing to look. If his feeling was correct, the wound on his waist should have torn open.

“Don’t look anymore.” Chen Yi’s gaze fell on her face, his voice somewhat weaker than usual, even his breathing lower by a few degrees. “Take me back?”

“Okay.” Ruan Mian got up to get his coat for him, then went back to her room to change clothes. Taking her keys and phone, she looked somewhat inexplicably anxious.

Chen Yi put on his coat, standing there watching her change shoes. The wound hurt with each pull. Combined with the somewhat hot heating, sweat appeared at the corners of his forehead.

He imperceptibly raised his hand to wipe it. After Ruan Mian changed her shoes, she turned to see him dressed too lightly and wrapped her own scarf around his neck.

The moment their gazes met, Chen Yi saw her eyes were somewhat red. He sighed internally, gripped her hand. “Let’s go.”

“Mm.”

Shen Yu’s car waited downstairs. Seeing Ruan Mian and Chen Yi come out from the apartment building, his expression was somewhat surprised. He hurriedly got out of the car.

Not knowing Chen Yi’s situation, he didn’t dare speak carelessly. He wished Ruan Mian a happy birthday, then looked up at Chen Yi, his eyes asking what happened.

Chen Yi’s complexion was pale. Just one sentence: “Back to the hospital.”

Right.

Shen Yu understood. This was exposed. His peripheral vision glanced at Ruan Mian, who showed no expression. He raised his hand to support Chen Yi into the car.

On the way to the hospital, none of the three spoke. Chen Yi’s wound hurt. Afraid his voice would betray him if he spoke, he kept holding Ruan Mian’s hand, occasionally squeezing a few times.

Their situation was still relatively calm, but the hospital had exploded. The nurse knocked on Chen Yi’s ward door with no response. Taking it upon herself to push the door open, she discovered the bed was empty. On the bedside table was a note.

—Going out to handle something, back soon, don’t make a fuss, thanks.

Signed: Chen Yi.

The nurse gave the note to Chen Yi’s attending physician. The doctor shouted about recklessness and called Song Huai. Word spread quickly. By the time they reached the hospital, Chen Yi and Shen Yu were almost dragged out for a beating by the furious Song Huai.

Song Huai angrily rebuked, “You’re this grown up. Don’t you know your own condition? In such cold weather, what huge matter did you have that you had to run out?”

Chen Yi had half his body leaning on Shen Yu’s shoulder, saying weakly, “Uncle, my wound hurts a bit. Can you let the doctor look first before you scold?”

“You deserve to die from pain!” Though Song Huai said this, he still quickly called a doctor over. Seeing the blood seeping through the gauze, he wanted to scold but couldn’t get the words out. He stood to the side with a somber face, saying nothing.

Chen Yi half-reclined on the hospital bed, turning his head to glance at Shen Yu. Shen Yu received his signal. While Song Huai wasn’t paying attention, he silently ran out of the ward.

Earlier when almost at the hospital, Shen Yu had received Song Huai’s call and been harshly scolded. He only said he’d be back immediately, without revealing where Chen Yi had gone.

On one hand, Chen Yi was afraid Ruan Mian would come up with him and get scolded. On the other hand, he was afraid she’d be sad seeing his wound torn open. After arriving at the hospital, he made an excuse for Ruan Mian to go buy him something to eat.

Ruan Mian didn’t say anything and went. She bought two portions of congee from across from the hospital. Coming back, she ran into Shen Yu at the bottom of the inpatient building. She asked gently, “How is he?”

“He’s fine, nothing serious.” Shen Yu rubbed his neck and smiled. “Just getting scolded by his uncle. Let’s go up in a bit to avoid getting scolded too.”

Ruan Mian nodded, not asking anything else.

Shen Yu glanced at her. “Are you blaming Chen Yi for not telling you about the injury? He didn’t deliberately hide it from you. He was just afraid you’d worry.”

“I know.” Ruan Mian gave him a portion of the congee. “I’m not blaming him. If I encountered this, I’d probably hide it too.”

Shen Yu accepted the congee, smiled, and didn’t say anything more.

The two stood at the bottom of the building for a while. Shen Yu’s sharp eyes saw Song Huai hurrying out from inside. After the person walked far away, he brought Ruan Mian upstairs.

In the ward, Chen Yi had already had his bandages changed. Wearing a hospital gown, lying on the bed, his right hand receiving an IV, his eyes slightly closed, he looked somewhat weak.

He only ate a few bites of the congee bought for him. The rest Ruan Mian sat there and slowly finished. Shen Yu, seeing nothing was wrong, left first. For now, only the two of them were in the ward.

Ruan Mian got up to throw the food container in the trash, then sat back on the stool beside the bed. “What did the doctor say?”

“No major problem. Just can’t move around for a while.” Chen Yi sat up. “Don’t worry.”

Ruan Mian said nothing. Her gaze fixed on that area of his shoulder without moving, as if belatedly realizing he was injured. The emotion came unexpectedly.

Chen Yi watched her drop one tear, then two, three—more and more tears welled up. He wanted to raise his hand to wipe them, but inadvertently pulled the IV in his hand. The needle began drawing back blood.

Ruan Mian frantically pressed his wrist, her voice somewhat hoarse. “Don’t move around.”

“Then stop crying.” Chen Yi’s Adam’s apple rolled lightly. He moved to the side, making space on the small bed, his voice very soft. “Come here.”

“I don’t need to.” Ruan Mian wiped her own tears. “This bed is so small. I’ll bump into you.”

Chen Yi made as if to sit up. This position would inevitably pull at his wound again. Ruan Mian quickly pressed him down. “Don’t move.”

“Then come up.”

“……” Ruan Mian looked at him, compromising. “Okay then.”

The single room bed was slightly larger than the common ward, but for two people it was still somewhat cramped. Ruan Mian lay on her side, not taking up much space. Her movements revealed some cautiousness and stiff helplessness.

Chen Yi didn’t care at all. Like many previous times sharing a bed, he pulled her into his arms, his fingertips brushing past her eyes. “This time was an accident. I promise there won’t be a next time.”

Ruan Mian made an acknowledging sound. Her mind was full of how not to touch his wound. Her whole body curled in his embrace, not daring to move.

After a while, she spoke. “Chen Yi.”

“Mm?”

“Can you lie down properly?”

“……”

Ruan Mian’s tone was somewhat helpless. “Like this, I don’t dare move at all.”

He seemed to laugh, releasing his hands, lying down as before. Ruan Mian reached out to turn off the light. From very far outside the window came the New Year’s countdown celebration sounds.

She suddenly moved closer, linking her arm with his. “Chen Yi.”

“Mm?”

“It’s a new year.” Ruan Mian moved up, pillowing at the same height as him, her gaze level with his. “I hope this year you’ll also be safe and sound.”

Chen Yi looked at her reddened eyes. His throat seemed blocked by something, his chest cavity overflowing with emotion. He stroked the corner of her brow. “Okay, I promise you.”

Ruan Mian lowered her head, her face buried in his shoulder and neck. Her tears burned Chen Yi’s heart, making it sour and swollen. He reached out to hold her tighter.

The beginning of 2020, Chen Yi spent in the hospital. During that time, Ruan Mian’s work was very busy. Only on weekends or occasionally after an early shift did she have time to come over.

More than ten days later, Chen Yi received permission from his attending physician to be discharged and recuperate at home. On discharge day, City B was filled with heavy snow. The city was a vast expanse of white.

Ruan Mian left for the hospital in the morning and encountered traffic. Leaving after seven, she didn’t arrive until almost ten.

Chen Yi still had to finish the last three bottles of IV in the morning. When Ruan Mian arrived, he had only one bottle bottom left. She put down her bag, took off her down jacket and hat. “Have you packed your things?”

“Not yet.” Chen Yi leaned against the headboard, playing with the sixth-order Rubik’s cube Ruan Mian had brought him earlier to pass the time.

“Then I’ll help you pack first.” Ruan Mian couldn’t sit still. After drinking half a glass of water, she rolled up her sleeves and walked back and forth in the ward. Soon she had several pieces of clothing in her hands, just nowhere to put them.

Chen Yi glanced over and said, “There’s a backpack in the cabinet.”

Ruan Mian made an acknowledging sound, walked over to get the bag. There were still a few of his clothes in the cabinet. She took them along, walked to the sofa and started folding clothes.

Chen Yi hadn’t asked Song Huai’s side to send someone to pick him up from discharge. After removing the needle, he stood by the window taking a phone call. Outside, snow fell heavily. Inside, the room was warm and cozy.

“No need, my girlfriend is coming to pick me up.” Ruan Mian heard Chen Yi say this, looked back, then continued folding clothes.

Picking up one of his jackets, when she shook it open, an envelope fell out.

Ruan Mian bent down to pick it up. Only when she picked it up did she see her name written on the other side of the envelope. Her fingertips felt the thing inside the envelope. She froze.

She turned to look at Chen Yi. He lowered his head, listening to the person on the phone. His profile from this angle looked exceptionally sharp and hard.

Sensing her gaze, Chen Yi turned his head to look over, slightly raising an eyebrow, as if inquiring.

Ruan Mian shook her head and smiled, indicating he should take the call first. When she turned around, she looked at the thing in her hand. Her heartbeat unconsciously became very fast.

Like she’d made a long-deliberated decision.

Ruan Mian opened that unsealed envelope. Pinching the edge, she tilted it slightly. Two rings fell out.

The rings were simple, one large and one small. The inner walls were engraved with the initials of their names.

Along with the rings, a piece of paper folded several times also fell out. Ruan Mian didn’t know what was wrong. Her fingers trembled somewhat.

She held her breath, unfolding the paper. Only one sentence was written on it. The handwriting was as familiar and beautiful as always.

—”I’m sorry, I love you.”

—

Author’s Note: Discovered there’s still quite a bit of content. Won’t be able to finish by mid-month.