Nanny Zhang’s face turned as white as the finest proclamation paper, her eyes glazed over. She felt she could barely catch her breath, and her chest ached in waves.
Lady Fan the Younger’s tears flowed like water through an opened floodgate, never stopping: “I yielded to her in everything. After coming to the capital, I put her first in all matters. She said she wanted to blend incenses—she was skilled at blending incenses. So I didn’t compete with her. I went to play the qin, but the Crown Prince liked my music… she came to tell me, and I didn’t compete with her either. Everything was hers… everything was hers…”
Lady Fan the Younger’s face twisted in agony. Recalling past events, she became somewhat manic, then after a long while crouched down and covered her face: “I asked for nothing—I just wanted her to let me go home, just let me go home… but she absolutely refused!”
Nanny Zhang retreated several steps, tears falling like rain without cease, as if seeing again the youthful Lady Fan the Younger from over ten years ago with her flower-like smile. Every time she was wronged, she would crouch down covering her face just like this, refusing to cry aloud even when weeping.
But that once innocent and carefree beautiful young woman with dimples when she smiled had now faded like a winter jasmine in the rain curtain—so pale only a shadow remained.
She couldn’t help but walk forward a few steps again, sighing as she knelt on the ground and held Lady Fan the Younger’s shoulders: “It’s all passed, it’s all passed, Miss…”
“No!” Lady Fan the Younger gripped her hands, her eyes washed extraordinarily clean and bright by tears, staring at Nanny Zhang as she used to, crying incoherently: “All this torment hasn’t stopped. After doing those shameful things to me back then, she wouldn’t even spare my children…”
Nanny Zhang lowered her eyes, her hands aching in waves from Lady Fan the Younger’s grip.
“Everyone around Ah Zhi is her person—the serving nannies and servants are all her people. As long as I went to see him once, the next day Ah Zhi would become even more ill…” Lady Fan the Younger sobbed, almost unable to catch her breath: “I didn’t dare go see him anymore, my heart turned to dead ashes. Han Zhengqing accused me of poisoning my own son. He never treated me as human—in front of Ah Zhi, he mocked me, saying I wasn’t fit to be a mother, that I was heartless enough to poison my own child…”
So much for blood being thicker than water. No matter how deep the affection, it couldn’t withstand such grinding torment and division. Especially for a young child whose mind wasn’t yet fully developed—in Han Zhi’s heart from then on, she was a vicious mother. Every time he saw her, his eyes overflowed entirely with fear and terror.
It wasn’t that she hadn’t tried to explain, hadn’t tried to be close to him, but the next day Han Zhi’s illness would worsen. Han Zhengqing said she was a bitter gourd rotten to the core, with black flesh inside.
Later, after a long time, she learned to behave, keeping a wooden face and acting as if she had no such son. Otherwise, if the back-and-forth torment continued, Han Zhi’s life would truly be lost.
Later, when giving birth to Han Yueheng, she had once been incited by those palace nannies to want to die, to take her daughter with her in death as well.
She could never forget that day—the heavy kick Han Zhengqing delivered to her chest, and Lady Fan the Elder’s laughter full of mockery and sharpness.
That was also the first time she thoroughly comprehended Lady Fan the Elder’s intentions. She didn’t want her to live well, but she also wouldn’t allow her to die. She wanted to see her suffer a fate worse than death.
She had lived such days for over ten years, originally thinking if she could just endure until the day she closed her eyes, that would be enough. But Lady Fan the Elder never spared her, feeling she still didn’t suffer enough, and now wouldn’t even spare her children.
And that dead man Han Zhengqing just watched it all happen, always obeying Lady Fan the Elder’s every word…
Qiu Ju knocked lightly on the door from outside. Lady Fan the Younger called hoarsely for her to enter, and sat in a chair supported by Nanny Zhang, listening to her speak.
“Madam…” Qiu Ju lowered her voice as much as possible: “Just now, Dachuan’s wife came in and said she found out that yesterday, Chief Administrator Qian’s regular attendant went to deliver a letter to Vice Minister Wang’s residence in Tongzhou…”
Dachuan managed Han Zhi’s outings and had always mixed well with the lower staff. He liked to frequent gambling houses and taverns, and was always skilled at gathering information.
The lump in Lady Fan the Younger’s throat couldn’t go up or down. She waved her hand to signal Qiu Ju to leave, then looked at Nanny Zhang with a bitter smile: “I forgot to tell you—in a few days, Yueheng will accompany the princess as a dowry maid to Dongying, and Ah Zhi has also gotten into trouble…”
As she spoke, she no longer cried, but instead deepened her smile slightly: “Look, even at this point, Elder Sister still takes such good care of me.”
Nanny Zhang’s lips trembled but she couldn’t say a word, only gripping Lady Fan the Younger’s hand even tighter.
Lady Fan the Younger’s legs suddenly went soft as she knelt before her, pulling her hands and looking up at her: “Nanny, please save me, help me…”
Nanny Zhang wanted to pull her up, but couldn’t muster any strength in her entire body. Instead, she followed her down to kneel on the ground, her whole body shaking like a sieve.
Lady Fan the Younger lowered her eyes: “You knew back then, didn’t you? You knew, right? Why Han Zhengqing stayed at our house for over four months… and that longevity hairpin with the worn-off seal that Han Zhengqing kept close to his person…”
Nanny Zhang’s eyes suddenly widened, and she went as soft as a puddle of mud.
“I knew then why you wanted to leave your position and return to the old home, abandoning me…” Lady Fan the Younger wiped the tears from her cheeks, trying hard to make herself smile: “But I didn’t stop you. I knew that if I was the least bit willful, you would be implicated and killed because of me…”
Nanny Zhang’s entire body prostrated on the ground, finally unable to help but cry out in anguish: “I wronged you, Miss. I’m not human… I was afraid and abandoned you…”
What was wronged or not had all passed. Lady Fan the Younger’s eyes were brighter than ever before. She thought of yielding again and again back then, thought of these years living neither as person nor ghost, then thought of her son whose life and death were uncertain and future unclear, and her daughter who was about to be sent as a dowry maid. She felt her entire body was about to be completely consumed by raging flames of fury.
Lady Fan the Elder left her no way out, gave her no hope at all—wasn’t it because she thought she was a toothless tiger with clipped claws, to be manipulated at will?
She had no one to use, but she wasn’t a fool.
She extended her hand toward Nanny Zhang, her voice soft and sweet, as if regaining some of the liveliness and spirit she had as a young lady: “Nanny, Han Zhengqing lost that hairpin and flew into a terrible rage. Everyone turned the place upside down searching for it. You were so frightened your face turned white, begging me to say for you that you’d been ill two days prior and hadn’t entered the residence at all. From that moment I knew there was something fishy going on. Now… will you give me that hairpin? Will you?”
Will you? Will you…