This was actually very improper. Even if Song Chuyi’s bond with the Crown Grandson was deep and their friendship extraordinary, there was no need for her to personally rush here from central Jinzhong, and to have cared for the Crown Grandson for so long. Fortunately this was in the Jin region where customs were open and simple, and no one would think too deeply about it. If this were in the capital, it would have already caused an uproar. Cui Hualuan bit her lip as she looked at Song Chuyi, grasping her hand and hastily adding, “I don’t mean anything else by it—I’m just curious.”
She sighed. Seeing Song Chuyi tilt her head to look at her, she couldn’t help lowering her own head. After a long while, she finally raised her head again to look at Song Chuyi, bit her teeth, and continued what she had been saying: “I’m just curious—does little sister know what the family elders intend?”
Nanny Xu hadn’t expected Cui Hualuan to be asking about this matter. Her expression immediately became rather unpleasant—these words really weren’t something a well-read and reasonable young lady should ask. Moreover, though she and Song Chuyi were supposedly cousins, their bond wasn’t particularly deep at present.
Song Chuyi raised her eyebrows, also somewhat surprised. She hadn’t expected Cui Hualuan to ask such a question. After remaining silent for a while, she raised her hand to add tea to Cui Hualuan’s cup and said softly with lowered eyes, “If Elder Sister wants to ask something, you might as well speak directly.”
Song Chuyi had been close to Princess Duanhui since childhood and absolutely didn’t wish to develop a rift with her daughter. Therefore, even though this elder cousin had deliberately shown distance since Song Chuyi came to Jinzhong, she hadn’t taken it to heart at all. Now that she was growing older, with the experiences of her past and present lives combined, she understood deeply that many misunderstandings arose from concealment and evasion. A lamp won’t light without being lit, and words won’t be clear without being spoken. She didn’t want to become enemies with Cui Hualuan.
“Little sister came from the capital—I don’t know if my mother mentioned to you that she intends for me to accompany you back to the capital this time?” Cui Hualuan wasn’t an unreasonable person either. Since Song Chuyi had spoken so frankly, she also became much more direct, staring into Song Chuyi’s eyes and telling her, “Mother has this idea because she feels I could become a good match for His Highness.”
The “His Highness” in her mouth naturally referred to Zhou Weizhao. Song Chuyi slowly nodded. Before she came to the Cui family, both Princess Duanhui and Old Madam Song had mentioned this point to her.
“I used to think so too.” The flower ornament on Cui Hualuan’s forehead swayed slightly, causing one to feel dizzy. She smiled bitterly, “But cousin, you truly make me somewhat anxious.”
Just as Song Chuyi would occasionally hear of Cui Hualuan’s reputation in the capital, Cui Hualuan in Jinzhong had heard quite a bit about Song Chuyi’s exploits. Madam Cui might not have noticed it herself, but whenever she wrote letters home mentioning Song Chuyi’s affairs, she would always bring up the four words “Crown Grandson, His Highness” at the end. Later on, Cui Hualuan came to find it completely ordinary to see these two names listed side by side. A young lady’s thoughts were always delicate and keen. While Madam Cui only said Song Chuyi was clever, Cui Hualuan had sensitively detected the threat Song Chuyi posed to herself—she seemed to be far too close to the Crown Grandson, far too in sync with him.
This incident of the Crown Grandson being injured in Yangquan especially gave her this feeling. She felt somewhat restless, and more than that—doubtful and distressed. She stared at Song Chuyi: “I thought that cousin, like our in-law Old Madam and Grandmother, was unwilling to wade into the muddy waters of the imperial family.”
She had come with the intent to probe. This thought had just flashed through Song Chuyi’s mind when her hand was grasped tightly by Cui Hualuan again. She heard Cui Hualuan ask her in clear tones: “Cousin, can you speak honestly with me—do you or do you not have affection for the Crown Grandson? Or do you want to become the Crown Grandson’s consort? This is just private talk between us cousins—I absolutely won’t spread it outside.”
Nanny Xu was so shocked her hands and feet went ice cold. She glanced at Little Nanny Xu, whose face was equally deathly pale, then bent her waist and tactfully reminded, “Miss, it’s gotten so late. Whatever the matter is, wouldn’t it be better to discuss tomorrow?”
This matter still needed to be reported back to Old Madam Cui. Coming to ask one’s own cousin if she had affection for someone—what a mess this was causing.
How could such a question be properly answered? Nanny Xu pressed her lips together and looked at Song Chuyi with difficulty, afraid she might fall into someone else’s trap.
Song Chuyi said nothing. Her hand rested on the cup that was still emitting heat. Her eyes, further veiled by the steam like a layer of mist, only lifted after a long while to look at Cui Hualuan. She sighed softly and told Cui Hualuan honestly, “Elder Sister, to speak truthfully with you—I don’t know either.”
She asked herself whether living a second life counted as living clearly. She would avenge grievances and repay debts. What she had promised before Madam Cui’s spirit tablet, she would definitely obtain everything Cui Shi had wanted, and she would protect the Cui family—she had accomplished this too. But when it came to matters of the heart, she only felt she was living more and more backwards.
In her previous life, she had never learned how to love someone. She thought love meant offering up everything she had, thought love meant pestering relentlessly, meant feeling lost when she couldn’t see the person, meant needing to be stuck together every moment.
She had lowered her own position more and more, and later Shen Qingrang had cared less and less about her. She was truly frightened by it all.
Old Madam Song, Consort Song, and even Yin Yunduan all told her that the Zhennan Prince’s Manor was a good destination, and Ye Jingchuan was also a good person—at the very least, an excellent choice for a husband. He was gentle, considerate, and ambitious, and what was rare was that he held genuine feelings for her. She knew this, but every time she thought of Ye Jingchuan’s attentiveness, she became even more afraid. To hope for a man’s lasting devotion was impossible. She feared that after Ye Jingchuan’s long-term giving and rewards couldn’t be proportional, he would begin to feel disappointed. She feared even more that day after day of life would wear away Ye Jingchuan’s genuine heart, finally grinding it into the dead fish eyes of mutual disgust—in this life, people were forever losing things. If you didn’t seek, you wouldn’t lose.
The painful lessons of her previous life had already been carved into her bones and heart. She truly didn’t have the courage to reach out and grasp things again. Ye Jingchuan’s genuine heart, containing sincere feelings without any calculation or wholehearted devotion—for her, this was instead a heavy burden she couldn’t bear. She would rather watch from afar without reaching out to touch. That way, that young man who had once been wholeheartedly devoted to her would remain forever in her heart, would never change his heart, never leave, never need to disappear.
On the contrary, Zhou Weizhao, whom both Old Madam Song and Old Madam Cui considered a fearsome prospect full of endless troubles, didn’t carry such a heavy sense of burden in her heart. She always felt relaxed in front of him. When the two of them stood side by side, they could know what the other wanted to do and strive together to achieve it. There were no excessive displays of emotion, no need to be burned by scorching feelings.
She felt her thoughts were rarely this chaotic. She lowered her head to look at her own eyes reflected in the cup and repeated to Cui Hualuan in a low voice: “These matters are not for me to decide.”