The evil wind blowing through the capital couldn’t reach Jinzhong and Yangquan for now, but even so, Cui Hualuan couldn’t sleep through the night. She woke up three or four times in one night, and when she woke, whether she wanted water or not, she would sit dazedly hugging her knees while wrapped in her quilt. Watching this made Nanny Xu’s heart ache uncontrollably—she had never seen her young miss in such a dispirited state before.
This trip to Yangquan was also against the rules. Yangquan was so chaotic that Cousin Miss could come because she ultimately bore the Song surname. Since Fifth Master Song had agreed, the Cui family as her maternal relatives naturally had no reason to forcibly prevent her from coming. Moreover, Cousin Miss was extraordinary to begin with—she even had martial arts-skilled maids serving her and had her own people outside. In comparison, for Cui Hualuan, such a precious noble lady of the first rank in the Jin region, to rush day and night to Yangquan where the chaos had not yet been completely resolved seemed abrupt. Old Madam had originally refused no matter what, and it was only after Cui Hualuan knelt before Old Madam for half a day and cried for half a day that Old Madam reluctantly agreed.
Nanny Xu lifted the curtain and sat on the edge of the bed, patting Cui Hualuan’s back soothingly stroke by stroke. “Why must Miss worry so? Each person has their own destiny. Moreover, you’re all sisters from the same family—what is there to compare?”
At this age, girls were prone to competing with each other. Young ladies competing in beauty and elegance wasn’t strange, but for this to happen with Cui Hualuan was truly somewhat beneath her station. Her paternal clan was a prestigious noble family with a foundation passed down for hundreds of years, and her maternal clan was even the imperial family. She had been personally named by Emperor Jianzhang at birth and had no need to envy anyone at all.
But just for the sake of His Highness the Grand Prince, the young miss who had always been high and lofty now showed such an anxious and helpless appearance. Nanny Xu’s heart ached tremendously. She couldn’t help but embrace Cui Hualuan and speak to her from the heart, reasoning with her. “Miss is a person of golden honor and jade nobility. Wherever you are placed, you shine the brightest. You must never demean yourself. For a man, no matter how good he is, it’s not worth it. Miss is still young now—you must think more about what Old Madam has taught you on ordinary days. No matter how noble he is, if he doesn’t hold you in his heart, life together in the future won’t be comfortable. Between husband and wife, the first principle is mutual willingness. You respect me, I respect you—that is the path to longevity. Although Madam has this intention now, the Empress and Crown Princess haven’t given any definite word. Miss, you’re being too hasty.”
That was why Old Madam Cui was so angry and furious, and unprecedentedly made Cui Hualuan kneel in her room for half a day. This was something that had never happened before—Old Madam Cui had never made Cui Hualuan lose face like this.
Cui Hualuan sat in a daze, only shedding tears. She knew that every word Nanny Xu said was for her own good, that everything she said made sense, but her heart just couldn’t control its grief. She hugged Nanny Xu’s waist tightly and choked out with immense distress, “Mama, I understand all the reasoning you’re telling me. I also know that the Empress and Crown Princess may not necessarily choose me. But I just… just feel resigned…”
It wasn’t that she was resigned to losing to Song Chuyi, nor was it that she was resigned to not becoming the Grand Princess Consort. She just felt resigned that something she had yearned for and thought about for so many years was right before her eyes, yet she simply couldn’t reach it.
She remembered that year on Longhu Mountain when she had been so frightened by a lone wolf separated from its pack that she trembled and couldn’t move. It was Zhou Weizhao who had pulled her away to escape. She had been young then, and being bored on Longhu Mountain, she followed Zhou Weizhao around every day.
When she descended the mountain, she cried and refused to leave. It was Zhou Weizhao who told her he would definitely come find her. But she never waited for Zhou Weizhao to find her—Zhou Weizhao had probably even forgotten her existence. She had treated Zhou Weizhao’s final words as if they were an imperial decree, but Zhou Weizhao had easily forgotten them.
“Silly girl, a person’s life is long. To waste the long years just because of resignation is not worth it.” Nanny Xu patiently reasoned with her. “Old Madam is angry that you’re not being self-respecting, but Mama has raised you since childhood—how could I not know your temperament? If you’re not self-respecting, then there are no reserved young ladies in this world. This time you rushed out regardless of everything—you say it’s because you feel resigned, that you want to become the Grand Princess Consort, but think carefully. You’ve only met His Highness the Grand Prince a few times when you were children. How young were you both then? What did you understand? Even adults often say things out of politeness—how much more so for children who don’t understand anything? If you take these promises seriously, that would truly be foolish.”
Cui Hualuan nestled in Nanny Xu’s embrace like a little cat, her eyes wide open, as if listening, yet also as if not placing her thoughts on Nanny Xu’s words at all.
Nanny Xu wasn’t angry. She broke down and explained these principles to her bit by bit. “You and Cousin Miss are cousins—you can only be close, there’s no reason to be distant. Your rash trip to Yangquan to test things was truly too improper. Setting aside the fact that you currently have no relationship with His Highness whatsoever, even if you and His Highness had already arranged a marriage, and His Highness had taken a liking to Cousin Miss, what could you do? Since ancient times, marriage matters have always emphasized the union of two surnames. Cousin Miss is right—these matters are not hers to decide.”
Cui Hualuan actually understood these principles very clearly in her heart. It was just that sometimes when people got stuck in a dead end, they couldn’t find their way back. She stared blankly for half a day, then gently nodded in Nanny Xu’s embrace. “I understand what you mean, Mama. Tomorrow I’ll find an opportunity to apologize to Xiaoyi…” After saying this sentence quietly, her voice lowered considerably, and she continued, “But Mama, I still want to try…”
Just as Nanny Xu had said, marriage should first have affection. The person she had set her heart on since childhood was not something she could let go of just because someone told her to. She no longer expected Song Chuyi to yield now, but she still had to try for herself. Moreover, this was also the family’s intention—marriage was originally the union of two surnames.
The next morning, Cui Hualuan personally went to Song Chuyi’s room to discuss the date for returning to Jinzhong. Having thought things through, she was no longer like she had been two days ago with that rash appearance. She had recovered her former calm and rationality. “Third Uncle still has matters to attend to and can’t depart. Second Uncle, however, happens to be returning to Jinzhong to transport another batch of grain. How about we depart with Second Uncle the day after tomorrow? Huaying’s auspicious day is drawing closer, and I’m afraid when we return there will be many things to prepare. If we return too late and delay things, that would be bad.”