Lin Yingtao’s romantic experiences were difficult to pinpoint – when they began, how they ended, or how to describe them.
The senior students didn’t seem like bad people. Lin Yingtao shared her story bit by bit, initially intending to omit specific details. However, she wasn’t particularly good at keeping secrets. As the seniors probed, more and more details emerged, even down to living in Unit 24, House 7 of the mountain construction site as a child, with Jiang Qiaoxi in House 6.
“Oh, we don’t need to know that. Start from high school!” Meng Lijun said. She had gotten up to change her phone battery and was now standing by Lin Yingtao’s bed, offering her some cut papaya.
Lin Yingtao felt accepted by the seniors.
Meng Lijun advised her, “Eat more. It’s good for your chest. A boyfriend’s touch works better, but you can be a little superstitious for now.” She then offered the fruit bowl to the other girls who hadn’t brushed their teeth yet.
Meng Lijun climbed back onto her bed as Lin Yingtao, the honest young girl, continued recounting her high school memories. Because she had written a letter to that boy, her classmates didn’t like her much when she first started high school and treated her poorly at school.
The girl in Bed 2 suddenly said, “Sister, let me tell you, they’ll regret it after entering university!”
The girl on Bed 4 rolled over in her blanket and sat up, telling the others, “Damn, I wish I could go back to high school and confess to my high school crush!”
Lin Yingtao sat in a corner on Bed 6, clearly unable to relate to the seniors’ opinions.
The senior in Bed 1 was reading “Globalization and Postmodern Pedagogy” under her bedside lamp. She mused, “Qile, look at you now. You can reminisce about your youth with us, while your high school classmates probably only have boredom and gossip. When they’re in their thirties or forties and look back on their youth, they’ll realize they had nothing in their best years. Did they study hard? Probably didn’t get into a particularly good university – can they get into a 985? Did they enjoy their youth? They couldn’t even talk to the boys they liked, only knew how to attack you. I bet your crush might still remember you in the future, but he definitely won’t remember them.”
Meng Lijun asked, “Go on, what happened after you transferred back?”
Lin Yingtao said she transferred to the local school and was put in the same class as Jiang Qiaoxi – “that boy.” At first, she didn’t want to talk to him, but he would come to class late every day after finishing his early morning Olympic Math studies.
“He’d put his water bottle on my desk and ask me to fill it for him,” Lin Yingtao recalled. “One day he stuck a note under the cup apologizing, and I forgave him!”
This rapid plot twist made all five seniors turn their heads to look at her.
“Wait, wait,” the senior on Bed 2 raised her hand, “He actively asked you to fill his water bottle??”
The senior on Bed 4 asked, “Did he like you too??”
Meng Lijun dismissed them, “Lele said at the beginning that they knew each other as children. Weren’t you listening carefully?”
“No, teacher, I didn’t hear that at first!” the senior on Bed 2 threw back her covers and tossed her phone aside. “Can we request her to tell it again from the beginning?”
Lin Yingtao called her parents in Beijing, telling them how nice the graduate student seniors in her dorm were. They took her to different cafeterias for lunch and showed her the graduate student bathrooms. She said she already knew her way around campus pretty well.
Her father was pleased: “You should ask the seniors for advice about your studies.”
Lin Yingtao said, “We have to learn everything – singing, dancing, painting-“
Her father laughed, “Didn’t you learn all those as a child?”
Lin Yingtao replied, “That was in elementary school, so many years ago. I only remember falling on my bottom all the time when learning to dance…”
The seniors in her dorm were very interested in what Lin Yingtao’s crush looked like: “What was his name again? Let’s search online. Was he your school’s campus heartthrob?”
Lin Yingtao didn’t dare say. She had developed a psychological shadow from all the gossip in high school and was afraid that if her former classmates found out she was talking about this with her college seniors, they would accuse her of being delusional again.
The senior on Bed 2 took off all her clothes and locked them in the bathroom cabinet: “This is why the education industry is so important. Without proper education, children carry these psychological scars for life. We carry the hope of humanity’s future!”
Lin Yingtao was taking off her shirt nearby, her hair a mess as she reached behind to unhook her bra. She still wasn’t used to public bathrooms and didn’t dare look up at the other girls. She rarely looked at her own body.
Suddenly, a pair of cold hands gripped Lin Yingtao’s chest from behind.
Lin Yingtao yelped and bent over, instinctively turning away. Her face turned bright red, and her cherry gemstone necklace swayed.
The senior from Bed 4 was changing into slippers nearby and said with a laugh, “Don’t bully the little girl.”
Meng Lijun let go and then openly touched her chest: “How is this fair? She’s bigger than me even without a boyfriend’s touch.”
As Lin Yingtao was lathering shampoo in her hair, Meng Lijun pinched her bottom from behind again. She was gradually getting used to the seniors’ uninhibited style. She turned and asked, “Sister, what do you mean by a boyfriend’s touch?”
Meng Lijun put her hands on her hips and thought for a moment. Her black hair was soaked and hung down her back. She was tall and thin with high cheekbones, giving her a strong presence. She didn’t look like someone who would become a kindergarten teacher after graduation – it seemed like children would cry at the sight of her, and parents would complain endlessly.
“You’ll know when you get a boyfriend,” Meng Lijun raised an eyebrow at her, leaving her to figure it out herself.
The seniors were most curious about why Lin Yingtao had “let go” of her genius crush. In Lin Yingtao’s story, that boy had gone to America in the end and seemed to be living an ideal new college life, probably very happy.
“Do you know how hard it is to find a decent partner after college graduation?” the senior from Bed 4 told her. “Girls your age have no idea what they’re missing out on.”
Lin Yingtao was stunned for a moment: “That can’t be…”
“It is. Men just get worse as they get older,” the senior said.
Coincidentally, the senior on Bed 3 was watching an old episode of “Kang Xi Lai Le” with a face mask on.
Lin Yingtao glanced at it and said, “Don’t you all like this Gao Shanfeng? He looks like he’s in his thirties…”
“That’s different!” the senior on Bed 2 stuck her head out from her bed. “How can that be the same?”
“Little sister, let me give you some advice from experience,” the senior on Bed 1 was flipping through the latest issue of “Early Childhood Education” at her bedside. She said, “Men are at their best when they’re sixteen or seventeen. To put it bluntly, you could call it immaturity or impulsiveness, but to put it nicely, it’s adorable and sincere. They treat you and their feelings with a true heart. Once these men grow up, enter university, and step into society, if you interact with them then, you’ll find them blinded by desire and gain, petty and calculating, unbearably odious. It has nothing to do with the ‘love’ we women idealize.”
The senior on Bed 3 turned around at this point, rubbing the mask mud on her face, and said, “Of course, men attack us women the same way.”
“That’s why early childhood education is so good,” the senior from Bed 1 got off her bed and put her academic journal on the desk. She took off her glasses and tied up her uncombed hair, saying to Lin Yingtao, “You’re dealing with human cubs every day. As long as you don’t dislike children, you don’t have to experience too much calculation and infighting for most of the day.”
Lin Yingtao often went shopping with the seniors on Saturdays. They’d go to Sanlitun or Xidan Joy City. Sometimes they’d also go to Wangfujing Street, but Lin Yingtao didn’t like coming here much.
Even standing on the street corner, she often felt like Jiang Qiaoxi was nearby.
Once, when senior Meng Lijun was buying a hat in Wangfujing, Lin Yingtao stood aside holding her bag. Meng Lijun suddenly said, “Lele, have you ever tried contacting your American genius?”
Lin Yingtao thought for a moment and shook her head.
Meng Lijun sighed, “You’ll regret not having more happen between you two in high school.” She winked at her suggestively.
Lin Yingtao smiled.
A hint of melancholy flashed in Meng Lijun’s eyes.
She tried on hat after hat, looking at herself in the mirror from different angles. One matched her lipstick and earrings quite well.
“Many people say that if you miss a chance, you miss it,” Meng Lijun suddenly mused. “Even if you meet again later, it’s not the same as before. That’s how cruel relationships between people can be.”
They bought coffee downstairs. Meng Lijun ordered a latte, while Lin Yingtao got an iced Americano. She took a small sip and immediately wrinkled her brow at the bitterness.
“Why is it so bitter?” Lin Yingtao couldn’t help but say.
Meng Lijun saw her expression and teased, “If you can’t handle bitterness, why did you order it?”
She handed over her latte, taking Lin Yingtao’s Americano in exchange: “Here, switch with me.”
Lin Yingtao watched as Meng Lijun took the Americano and casually drank a big gulp as if it were water.
At the subway platform, Meng Lijun laughed at her: “I could tell from the first day you came to school that you’re the type of girl who can’t handle bitterness.”
Lin Yingtao held the latte her senior had given her, and her cheek was pinched hard by the senior’s hand adorned with a relief ring.
Lin Yingtao only went shopping on Saturdays because Yu Qiao would come to see her from the Aviation College on Sundays. The Civil Aviation University of China’s Aviation College had strict management – from Monday to Saturday, 6 AM to 10 PM, flight students had almost no freedom.
Yu Qiao only came on Sundays. Sometimes he wore casual clothes, sometimes the uniform of the Aviation College. Sitting in the Normal University cafeteria, he was quite eye-catching. Yu Qiao complained that their uniform was ugly: “It looks like a security guard’s uniform.” But with his tall stature and broad shoulders, he didn’t look too bad in any uniform.
Whenever Yu Qiao came, Lin Yingtao didn’t feel too distant from her previous life. Yu Qiao rarely talked about his life at the Aviation College, mostly chatting with Lin Yingtao about Cai Fangyuan, Du Shang, and others in Shanghai. “I heard from Cai Fangyuan that Huang Zhanjie started earning his living expenses on some website,” Yu Qiao touched his ear, not remembering the details. “He’s started making his own money!”
Lin Yingtao was eating spare ribs when she asked in surprise, “Is he earning money by writing novels?”
Yu Qiao nodded, puzzled: “Surprisingly, people read the stuff he writes.”
The Normal University cafeteria was bustling, with many female students. Sometimes, after finishing his meal, Yu Qiao would sit across from Lin Yingtao and look around idly. Occasionally, girls would approach him to exchange phone numbers. Lin Yingtao knew that there were very few female students at the Civil Aviation University and none at all in the Aviation College.
Qin Yeyun had even texted Lin Yingtao, asking her to keep an eye on Yu Qiao and not let him be lured away by the pretty girls at Beijing Normal University.
“There are very few boys in our major,” Lin Yingtao said while eating. “Most of them were reassigned here. Most of the girls were reassigned too.”
Yu Qiao replied, “I think you’re probably the only one who actively chose to study this.”
Lin Yingtao disagreed, “No, there’s a senior in our dorm who seems to love our major even more than Grandma Zhang.”
Yu Qiao sat across from her, observing her for a moment. His gaze was always scrutinizing, like an engineer inspecting an aircraft for faults. Whenever Lin Yingtao met his gaze, she felt he was about to find fault and tease her.
“What are you up to now?” Lin Yingtao preemptively countered.
“You get along well with your dormmates?” Yu Qiao asked abruptly.
Lin Yingtao smiled, “The seniors in our dorm are funny. They’re all nice people, but they always exaggerate when they talk…”
Yu Qiao’s visits to the Normal University became less frequent, changing from once a week to once a month. He would call in advance before coming. Sometimes they ate at the university cafeteria, with Lin Yingtao using her meal card, and sometimes they went out for a nice meal, with Yu Qiao inevitably treating them.
While texting Qin Yeyun, Lin Yingtao asked, “Yu Qiao, are you dating anyone lately?”
Yu Qiao, waiting at a traffic light, replied nonchalantly, “How could I? I’ll be going abroad to study flying in my junior year.”
Lin Yingtao was stunned, staring at his back.
“You’re going abroad?” she asked.
Yu Qiao said, “Yeah.”
“For how long?” she inquired.
“A year or two, maybe. It’s not certain,” he replied.
Yu Qiao liked Northern Chinese cuisine but disliked Japanese food. When eating Japanese with Lin Yingtao, he would pick up his food and then go to a nearby small restaurant for something else afterward. Lin Yingtao teased, “With your stomach, how will you manage abroad?”
Yu Qiao said, “We’ll figure it out when the time comes.”
Lin Yingtao suggested, “Why don’t you find a girlfriend who can cook Chinese food and is willing to go abroad with you?”
Yu Qiao grunted in response, then heard Lin Yingtao say, “Qin Yeyun is good at—” Before she could finish, Yu Qiao raised his hand and pushed the back of her head. Lin Yingtao’s head jerked forward, and she cursed, feeling like her neck would snap.
“You won’t be satisfied until you find me a partner, will you?” Yu Qiao said with disdain.
Lin Yingtao coughed, rubbing her neck and saying hoarsely, “As if you could find a girlfriend…”
Yu Qiao walked her to the university gate and before leaving, he looked down and asked, “How are you doing at school?”
Lin Yingtao was puzzled, “I’m doing fine.”
Yu Qiao looked at her again, seemingly satisfied that she wasn’t lying. He turned to leave. Lin Yingtao called out, “Be careful!” As he was about to cross the street, he waved his hand without looking back.
A big event occurred at the end of 2008.
The small, run-down house owned by her aunt’s family in Beijing was scheduled for demolition. The government not only compensated them with two relocation apartments but also potentially four to five million yuan in demolition fees. During the winter break, Lin Yingtao returned home and was lying on her small bed, flipping through Jiang Qiaoxi’s Olympic Math materials in her bedside cabinet when her mother came in with a phone, smiling, “Yingtao, tell your aunt what you want. She and your uncle are shopping in Hong Kong.”
“In Hong Kong?” Lin Yingtao asked, surprised.
Cai Fangyuan didn’t return to the provincial city before the New Year. He had rented a place in Shanghai and was said to have started some kind of internet studio with his computer science classmates. He had been entrepreneurial since high school, and now without the constraints of school and having deeply moved his father during Uncle Cai’s hospitalization to borrow a large sum of money, his small business was thriving.
Lin Yingtao only saw him after the New Year. Cai Fangyuan treated everyone to a Western-style buffet. Lin Yingtao listened to Du Shang excitedly recount funny stories from their time studying in Shanghai.
Halfway through, Huang Zhanjie arrived wearing a snow-white down jacket and sunglasses, entering with a mysterious air.
Cai Fangyuan stood up and called out from afar, “Let’s welcome the famous writer from Qidian Literature Network, Huang Zhanjie!!”
Huang Zhanjie cursed under his breath and quickly took off his sunglasses, seemingly afraid that others might think he was crazy for wearing them indoors.
Lin Yingtao, drinking fruit wine at the table with flushed cheeks, asked, “Writer Huang, won’t you let me read your masterpiece?”
“No, no, no, absolutely not,” Huang Zhanjie said with feigned gravity, “You’re just a little girl, you wouldn’t understand!”
Cai Fangyuan, eating foie gras, interjected, “How could she not understand? Lin Yingtao understands everything! She even understood those little yellow comics back then!”
The group was lively and happy together, just like before.
When it came time to part ways, it felt even more lonely and desolate.
After the meal, Du Shang would soon return to Shanghai; his girlfriend had stayed there over the New Year, and he wanted to be with her.
He sent Lin Yingtao a text message saying he was glad to see her like this when he came back for the New Year.
“I was worried you’d still be the same as you were during the summer. Yingtao, be happier in Beijing, and forget what needs to be forgotten.”
Cai Fangyuan told Lin Yingtao that he had a group chat with computer science experts from various universities. He had tried asking around, but no one had heard of Jiang Qiaoxi.
“Do you still want to find him?” Cai Fangyuan asked, standing outside Lin Yingtao’s building with a lunchbox of jujube steamed buns. “Is anyone pursuing you at university?”
Lin Yingtao wrinkled her nose, “No one at all.”
“I figured as much,” Cai Fangyuan said. “With Yu Qiao constantly visiting your school, who the hell would dare pursue you?”
Lin Yingtao nodded after hearing this, “Sometimes I think it would be nice if Yu Qiao were my boyfriend.”
Cai Fangyuan could barely contain his laughter and leaned in to ask, “Say that again?”
Lin Yingtao sighed deeply, her hands behind her back. Perhaps from spending too much time in the capital, she had picked up some of the mannerisms of great figures.
“It’s a pity,” Lin Yingtao said profoundly, “I only like sixteen or seventeen-year-old boys now. I’m no longer interested in old men like you who are already eighteen.”
Cai Fangyuan raised the lunchbox, ready to throw a bun at her.
Not long after the start of the second semester of her freshman year, Lin Yingtao returned to her hometown again.
Her parents had prepared a table full of dishes at home and ordered a birthday cake. Lin Yingtao blew out 19 candles, eating and chatting with her parents about her recent classes. She went to the dance studio every morning and no longer fell on her bottom like she used to as a child. She could almost do a full split: “Just a little bit more, it’s still slightly bent.”
As midnight approached, her phone buzzed with incoming text messages.
Du Shang said, “Beautiful, hurry up and find a boyfriend.”
Cai Fangyuan said, “Old lady, what do you want for your nineteenth birthday?”
Yu Qiao said, “Happy birthday.”
…
Qin Yeyun said, “Lin Yingtao, I had dinner with Yu Qiao today. Lately, I’ve been thinking how nice it would have been if Yu Qiao had responded to me in high school the way Jiang Qiaoxi responded to you… But now I understand that many things can’t be forced. I get this now, and I wonder if you do too. You’re nineteen today, you annoying person. I don’t dislike you that much. There’s something I said before just to upset you, but I’ve always believed that even without Jiang Qiaoxi, you can find someone else who will cherish you just as much. Happy birthday.”
After showering, Lin Yingtao sat at her computer replying to birthday wishes on QQ and Xiaonei. She habitually opened a search engine and selected the first name in her search history. Apart from a few articles about the former math prodigy Jiang Qiaoxi disappearing after giving up national training, there were no results. She called Qin Yeyun, and the two girls chatted.
Lin Yingtao turned to tell her mother that she would go to sleep after finishing her call with Qin Yeyun.
In the middle of the night, Lin’s mother heard a faint tapping sound on the floor of their home. Though soft, it was clear and rhythmic.
She got out of bed, her husband still asleep beside her. Lin Haifeng was always a sound sleeper. She walked into the living room and approached her daughter’s bedroom door.
The door was slightly ajar, with light coming from inside. From her angle, she could see the bed covered in open books and papers. Lin’s mother squinted, noticing that all the book covers seemed to be about mathematics. She pushed the door open a bit more and saw Lin Yingtao by the bed, her hair down, wearing a nightgown and a pair of red high heels. With earphones from an MP4 player in her ears, she was twirling in place in her small bedroom, as if dancing.
She was immersed in her world, not wanting to share even with her parents.
Lin’s mother quietly closed the door before her daughter noticed her presence.
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Our Generation – Chapter Notes:
“Kang Xi Lai Le” (康熙来了): A talk show entertainment program produced by Chung T’ien Television in Taiwan. It first aired on Chung T’ien General Channel on January 5, 2004, and ceased broadcasting on January 14, 2016. Gao Shanfeng began appearing as a guest on “Kang Xi Lai Le” in 2004.