1

After two days of treatment at the Chengdu hospital, Zuo Xuejun’s intracranial bleeding was basically cleared. His consciousness and language abilities returned to normal to a certain degree. His left limbs still moved with difficulty, but the doctor said that with rehabilitation therapy and massage treatment going forward, there should be further improvement.

What the doctor announced next was: Given his physical condition, he was absolutely unsuitable to return to the plateau.

Upon hearing this, Shi Wei could barely hide her joy. But seeing her husband’s darkened expression, she felt somewhat reluctant and could only say tactfully: “Xuejun, you’ve already worked in Ali for nearly sixteen years. Everyone has seen your dedication. Give the remaining time to me and Xiao Qi.”

Zuo Xuejun remained silent throughout. Just as Zuo Si’an was about to speak, Zuo Siqi, who had been sitting quietly to the side reading, suddenly burst into tears with a loud “wah.” She quickly crouched down: “Xiao Qi, what’s wrong?”

While sobbing loudly, Zuo Siqi said: “I don’t want Daddy. Mommy, let’s not have Daddy anymore. I only want you.”

Shi Wei was startled and sternly scolded her daughter: “Xiao Qi, don’t talk nonsense.”

Zuo Siqi had never seen her mother angry with her before. Frightened, she cried even harder: “I’m not talking nonsense. I don’t like him.”

Zuo Xuejun’s face turned deathly pale, saying nothing. Shi Wei was so anxious she didn’t know what to do. Zuo Si’an picked up her little sister: “I’ll take Xiao Qi out for a walk.”

Zuo Si’an carried Zuo Siqi outside and sat by a fish pond on the lawn ahead. No matter how she comforted and coaxed her, Zuo Siqi continued crying with her face buried in her shoulder. Her tears soaked through her clothes, yet she refused to say anything.

Just as she was at a loss, she saw Gao Xiang crossing the street. He had originally planned to enter the hospital, but seeing them, he walked over instead.

“What’s wrong?”

Zuo Siqi had already gotten quite familiar with him these past few days and was very close to him. Sniffling, she said: “Mommy yelled at me.”

Gao Xiang sat down beside Zuo Si’an and asked her: “Why?”

“I said I don’t like Daddy and don’t want him anymore.”

Gao Xiang seemed somewhat amused, his mouth twitching slightly: “Mm, it’s fine. Your sister doesn’t like him either anyway.”

Zuo Si’an couldn’t help glaring at him. He continued nonchalantly: “He’s acted pretty unlovable indeed. But that said, your mom likes him. You love your mom, right?”

Zuo Siqi nodded.

“Then for your mom’s sake, put up with him. Don’t say you don’t like him to his face anymore.”

“But he doesn’t like me.”

Zuo Si’an glared at Gao Xiang warningly again, while seating her sister on her lap, looking into her eyes and saying seriously: “Xiao Qi, Daddy does like you.”

“No, Daddy doesn’t like me at all. He never plays with me. He only likes you. I’ve seen him holding your photo, looking at it for such a long time.”

Zuo Si’an smiled bitterly: “That’s because Xiao Qi, you’re right by his side, while Sister is very far away. You and Sister are both Daddy’s daughters. He just doesn’t understand how to love you in a way that would make you and him happier.”

Zuo Siqi looked at her with partial understanding. She reached out to arrange her sister’s hair, retying her somewhat messy ponytail. The little girl’s hair was slightly yellowish and exceptionally soft. Holding it in her hand felt like silk. She suddenly remembered when she was small, before going to kindergarten, her father would hold her like this, braiding her hair. She would usually squirm about mischievously. Her father would scold her to stay still, but couldn’t help laughing at the same time.

“Sister, what’s wrong?”

Zuo Si’an came back to herself, shaking her head: “Nothing. Xiao Qi, look how beautiful the koi in this pond are.”

Zuo Siqi was a child after all, having lived year-round in the harsh conditions of the plateau. She’d never seen such groups of lively swimming, beautifully colored koi. Her attention shifted over, and she watched with great interest: “Sister, look at that fish—how fat it is.”

“Mm, it must have eaten too much.”

Zuo Siqi stood by the edge of the pond, stretching her neck to look. Zuo Si’an extended her arm to hold her firmly. She pointed at another fish: “That small one is a baby fish. The one in front is its mommy.”

Zuo Si’an smiled faintly: “Right.”

Zuo Siqi suddenly stared at the back of Zuo Si’an’s neck, brushing aside her hair: “Hey, Sister, what’s drawn here?”

Zuo Si’an froze for a moment, then freed one hand to let down her hair and pulled up her collar a bit, smiling: “It’s not drawn. It’s a tattoo.”

“What’s a tattoo?”

“It’s using a needle to embroider patterns or words onto the skin.”

“Does it hurt?”

She shook her head.

“Can’t it be washed off?”

She nodded.

Zuo Siqi’s curiosity intensified: “Why tattoo it on your body? Is it so you won’t forget?”

Zuo Si’an looked like she was running out of answers. At this moment, Gao Xiang spoke up: “Xiao Qi, look at that pigeon.”

Zuo Siqi looked in the direction he pointed, then asked: “Are there swallows here?”

Gao Xiang answered: “Chengdu should have swallows. Do you like swallows?”

“Mm, Mommy said swallows always fly from very far away to have babies, then take the babies back home. Just like the pilgrims we see.”

Zuo Si’an looked ahead without speaking, while Gao Xiang looked at her thoughtfully.

Just now he’d been standing right beside her and had clearly seen the tattoo on the back of her neck was a line in English: “Strive to be happy.” He knew this was the closing line of an English poem. The direct translation was simple: persist in being happy, but a more subtle and meaningful translation would be: strive to pursue happiness. He had once been very familiar with every detail of Zuo Si’an’s body, yet didn’t know when she’d had this poem tattooed on the back of her neck.

But thinking again, although they’d had moments of extreme intimacy, those moments were very brief. Probably only people who lived together day and night could know every subtle change in each other. Between each parting and reunion, vast blanks existed between them. Even living in the same city, the time they spent together was pitifully little. Each time they met again, he saw her with slight surprise, as if he couldn’t get used to her growth and experiences outside his line of sight. And this time, they’d been apart for far too long. She’d transformed from a fragile girl into a doctor with calm demeanor. The changes she’d undergone—how could they be limited to just one tattoo whose origin he didn’t know?

At this moment, Zuo Si’an seemed to sense Gao Xiang’s gaze and suddenly stood up: “Could you please help watch Xiao Qi? I’ll go get Aunt Shi.”

2

Zuo Si’an knocked on the door but didn’t enter: “Aunt Shi, could you please come out for a moment? I have something to tell you.”

Shi Wei came out. The two sat down on a bench in the corridor. She asked: “Where’s Xiao Qi?”

“Gao Xiang is with Xiao Qi playing by the fish pond in front of the hospital. Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

Shi Wei said puzzledly: “What is it?”

“Before my dad fell ill, you said you planned to leave him. What are you thinking now?”

Shi Wei shook her head violently: “That was before he got sick. Of course I won’t do that now. Even if he insists on returning to Ali, I’ll accompany him and take good care of him.”

Zuo Si’an couldn’t help but be moved. She looked at her, saying softly: “Aunt Shi, I have absolutely no intention of forcing you to bear moral responsibility. In fact, I understand that you have elderly parents and Xiao Qi to care for—your burden is already very heavy. Dad can be cared for by me.”

Shi Wei grasped her hand firmly, saying earnestly: “Xiao An, the reason I wanted to leave was to consider Xiao Qi and my parents. But the most important reason, actually, was that I thought he didn’t love me and Xiao Qi and didn’t need us. With this illness, I understand now—at least I still love him, and he does need me.”

“Aunt Shi, you’re probably the most steadfast in love of anyone I’ve seen.”

Shi Wei smiled bitterly: “Am I a bit foolish?”

“No, people who are certain and unquestioning about their love are actually happy. I need to talk with my dad alone.”

Shi Wei went outside to find her daughter. Zuo Si’an entered the hospital room, looking at her father lying in the hospital bed. The two faced each other wordlessly. After a while, she smiled bitterly: “I came back for one trip, just one day, and caused you to have a heart attack plus intracranial bleeding. Originally I was determined never to say anything again.”

“Xiao An, you absolutely mustn’t think that way. This has nothing to do with you at all. I’d already had a heart attack once before, and the intracranial bleeding was also caused by the hypertension from long-term living in the plateau region.”

“If so, you’re also clear that you can’t return to Ali anymore. Why must you still put on that kind of expression for Aunt Shi?”

Zuo Xuejun fell silent.

“You heard what the doctor said. That’s also my treatment opinion. I chose to study medicine not to endure the test of operating on my own father. I never want to experience something like that again. You’ve already avoided me. To continue avoiding Aunt Shi and Xiao Qi really can’t be justified. So you must promise me that after retirement, you’ll live in the mainland with Aunt Shi.”

“I don’t like Guangdong—it’s both muggy and humid. Besides, I’m already an old man with a whole body full of ailments. Being with her, I can only make her care for me.”

“Aunt Shi was even willing to go teach in a place as harsh as Cuoqin for you. How could she mind caring for you? I also think she’d live more easily without you, but she has such a self-sacrificing spirit. With this illness of yours and her personality, she won’t abandon you no matter what.”

Zuo Xuejun’s expression was complex: “I don’t want to be a burden to her.”

Zuo Si’an said crisply: “You don’t need to worry about that point. I’ll make it clear to Aunt Shi—whenever you exhaust her patience, she can leave you, and I’ll take over caring for you. I absolutely won’t blame her.”

Zuo Xuejun froze completely: “Of course I can’t be a burden to you either.”

“Then accept the doctor’s instructions and settle down in a place suitable for your elderly life. Take care of your health—that way you can manage not to burden anyone. As for where specifically to live, you can discuss it further with Aunt Shi. Actually, Chengdu isn’t bad—close to your beloved Tibet, the climate is similar to Hanjiang City where we used to live. It’s a very livable city. Do you remember you once wanted Mom to bring me here?”

Mentioning the past, Zuo Xuejun also felt quite melancholy and suddenly asked: “Is your mom doing well?”

“She’s very well. Last year she participated in surveying a hydraulic project in South America, staying there for over half a year before returning to Portland.”

“She’s always been capable. Xiao An, that day on Craft Street when you mentioned the trolley, I suddenly interrupted and made you angry. Actually, I often dream of taking you on the trolley. Nearly thirteen years without returning to Hanjiang—if I went back, I’d probably get lost.”

“Mm, there have been big changes. The dormitory where we lived has already been demolished and rebuilt. Route 1 trolley is still there, still running the old route, just changed to an air-conditioned bus with automated fare collection.”

“Really? Xiao An, I really don’t know how to make you understand how happy I am to see you.”

She smiled bitterly: “But this happiness can never be as pure as when I was little, seeing you come pick me up from kindergarten and running toward you, right?”

Mentioning her childhood, both fell silent for a time, their thoughts drifting to that city by the Yangtze River they could never return to.

Zuo Si’an said sincerely: “Dad, stop brooding over past matters. I’ve had many questions and things I didn’t understand, but there’s one point I can tell you with certainty—I’ve truly never hated you. A father who loved me that way, who gave me a childhood without regrets—I can’t hate him. No matter how angry or sad I was, as long as I recalled those days when you held me squeezing onto the trolley, I thought—actually, I’ve already had enough. If not seeing me could make you feel better, then I had to accept it. You see, childhood memories are that precious—they allow a person to maintain a relatively peaceful mindset, not become too cynical or go to extremes.”

Zuo Xuejun’s face became even paler: “Xiao An, I must tell you, I feel truly too guilty toward you. Even hiding away in Ali, I’ve never been able to escape the inner torment.”

“I understand, Dad. People always need to find an outlet for themselves. You were escaping, and I escaped too. You relied on selfless work and self-sacrifice to maintain psychological balance. My choice was to study medicine, go through long and arduous training to make myself forget certain things. But escape doesn’t solve any problems. In the end, we still have to face each other. We still have to continue living, being responsible to those who love us. If you feel you must make a good life miserable to be worthy of me, that’s simply too absurd.”

Zuo Xuejun remained speechless for a long time. Zuo Si’an paused for a while, then said softly: “Dad, I know you originally imagined I’d live a safe and smooth life, loved by you until grown, then entrusted to a man you could feel at ease with, getting married and having children, carefree, never suffering any harm. That idea was beautiful, but life always has unexpected changes no one can predict. Let the past be past. Put down those things that torment you. Otherwise, I really don’t know how to continue talking with you, and probably won’t come back to see you in the future.”

“You can never love and trust me the way you did when you were little, can you?”

She hesitated, then spoke honestly: “Don’t ask me that question, Dad. But you still have a chance to make up for regrets. You’re fortunate—Aunt Shi not only loves you but gave you the best gift: Xiao Qi. From now on, love her well the way you loved me in the past. Give her a complete family. She’ll always love you and trust you.”

“That’s not the same.”

Zuo Si’an smiled faintly: “Time can’t flow backward. Xiao Qi isn’t a second me. She’ll grow up more smoothly. Why must we pursue everything being the same? Rest well.”

Zuo Si’an came out to find Gao Xiang standing outside the hospital room. He’d obviously heard the conversation inside, but his expression was disapproving: “Let’s hope he can take your advice to heart.”

“I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or how much effect it will have, but at least in the future when Xiao Qi thinks of her father, she’ll also have happy memories.”

“Shi Wei will definitely be grateful to you. Sigh, really don’t know how she could keep loving your father all this time.”

“She’s a very kind woman with romantic sensibilities, so her love is more enduring. But Dad can’t let her down again. Someone once told me something I think makes sense—any kind of feeling can’t withstand being worn away.”

“Which philosopher said that?”

She paused: “I forget. In any case, I hope Dad can understand her, cherish her, and live well with her.”

Gao Xiang looked at her deeply: “And then you can leave with peace of mind?”

She froze, instinctively wanting to avoid his gaze. But he stared at her firmly. She could only force a smile: “I must leave. In America, resident physicians face elimination—the competition is fierce. Next year I still have to compete for chief resident. I need to complete enough surgeries within the required time. I can’t be away from work too long.”

“You’ve finished caring about your father. Have you thought about caring about my life?”

She used the lightest tone possible: “You look fine. Both career and family well cared for. That girlfriend of yours looks both beautiful and gentle, loves you very much. What is there to worry about?”

“You really do have confidence in me. You took the initiative to come back to see someone you’ve avoided for over a decade, easily reconciled with your father, don’t mind revisiting old places, even wanted to see Xiao Fei—someone you used to refuse to mention and resolutely wouldn’t face. What do you think I would think?”

“It is strange,” she admitted. “I can’t give a reasonable explanation. Maybe time has already helped me overcome fear. A thirty-year-old woman can’t be like a teenager, afraid to acknowledge everything that happened.”

“Including what happened between us?”

She froze but immediately composed herself: “That’s in the past.”

“You told your father you were also escaping. Now tell me—what have you been escaping all along?”

His pressing made her feel like her back was against a wall with no retreat. She could only smile bitterly: “Gao Xiang, thank you for accompanying me these past few days. I’m going back to America the day after tomorrow. You should also go back and live well with your girlfriend.”

“I forgot to tell you—the day before I came to Ali, I officially broke up with her.”

Zuo Si’an was shocked, abruptly stopping: “Why?”

“No need to get excited. This doesn’t have much to do with you. I just wanted to see if your calm, rational attitude toward everything could be maintained continuously.”

She stared at him, unable to speak.

“You don’t need to feel guilty. She’s a good girl, but I realized I couldn’t give her what she needed. Continuing would cause greater harm.” He suddenly changed tack. “You see, I’ve been following you around this whole time—of course not because I’m afraid you won’t return to America. I’ve just been caring about you all along. Once caring becomes a habit, you don’t know how to stop. I don’t know if you also care about me. Now worry about my mental state a bit—maybe I’m worse off than your father, might end up dying alone and lonely.”

His tone was half-serious, half-mocking, slightly sarcastic. She couldn’t respond. Hearing he’d broken up with his girlfriend made her even more dejected. After a long while, she said: “I’m sorry. If I’d known I would mess up your life a second time, I would have held back no matter what and not made this trip.”

“Second time? Seems you’re only willing to take responsibility for my two breakups with girlfriends, completely unwilling to mention our time together.”

“That’s not it.” She suddenly raised her head to look at him, voice very soft. “Being with you was the happiest time of my life. I’ve never been afraid to acknowledge that.”

His heart trembled. Just as he was about to speak, his phone suddenly rang. Without looking, he hung up. But the phone rang again. He had to take it out: “It’s from home.”

“Answer it.”

Zuo Si’an walked away a bit. After a while, Gao Xiang finished the call, expression grave: “I must go back immediately.”

She nodded: “I’ve already delayed you a long time. Go back without worry.”

Gao Xiang gazed at her: “Zuo Si’an, before leaving I must tell you two things. First, that was also my happiest time, so I can’t forgive you for ending it that way. Second, you’ve long since grown up and matured—you’re no longer a little girl. But I still care about you. You said feelings can’t withstand being worn away. I want to see when you can wear away all my feelings for you.”

Time flows like water, never resting day or night. In the end, some things remained in their hearts forever, impossible to erase.