1
Gao Xiang’s original plan was to wait for Baobao to complete his first follow-up examination, and once everything was fine, take Zuo Si’an on a leisurely vacation with plenty of time, then return to China. However, Chen Liguo suddenly called personally, saying he was seriously unwell and urging them to return as soon as possible. He had no choice but to change his plans, book plane tickets, and spend a week before departure taking Zuo Si’an from Boston to Washington by plane, then rent a car to drive to Philadelphia and Atlantic City, before finally returning to New York. There he would send her back to Boston on a long-distance bus, then return to China with Baobao and his mother.
Yu Jia naturally completely disagreed with this plan, but seeing Zuo Si’an’s expression, she knew that objecting would be fundamentally useless. She requested to speak with Gao Xiang alone, and Zuo Si’an obediently withdrew, leaving them sitting in the kitchen.
“Gao Xiang, what does your family think about your plan to stay in America?”
Gao Xiang answered honestly: “They all oppose it.”
“Do you think you can convince them?”
“I’m not confident, but I will persist with my arrangement.”
“Don’t you think it’s rather reckless to control Xiao An’s future with a plan you’re not confident will come to fruition?”
“Teacher Yu, I don’t want us to argue about this issue again, and I especially don’t want you to endlessly pressure Xiao An. I’ll repeat once more: I will take responsibility for Xiao An.”
“Fine. Then I hope you’ll promise me two things. First, have Xiao An not rush to decline the admission from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and wait until the final deadline.”
“Regarding academic matters, I will advise Xiao An to be cautious.”
“Second, regarding sex, I similarly hope you respect Xiao An and have a responsible attitude.”
Gao Xiang felt somewhat embarrassed, and was also irritated by Yu Jia’s direct and impolite tone: “Teacher Yu, if by ‘responsible attitude’ you mean safe sex, then you have nothing to worry about.”
Yu Jia said coldly: “I don’t need to remind you that Xiao An has suffered very serious harm. Her attachment to you—which you consider love—I actually think comes largely from her insecurity. You’re an adult and have had romantic experience. Please don’t use sex to strengthen your control over her. That would be unfair to her.”
Mentioning what Zuo Si’an had experienced, Gao Xiang felt apologetic: “I’m sorry, Teacher Yu. I understand what you mean and will respect Xiao An.”
Zuo Si’an had packed her luggage and said goodbye to Yu Jia and Peter. The two drove to Boston, boarded a flight to Washington, landed smoothly, checked into their reserved hotel, and after eating, they returned to their room.
Gao Xiang comforted her: “Don’t be nervous.”
She had indeed started feeling nervous from the moment she boarded the plane, restless throughout the journey. Now she almost frantically denied it: “I’m not. Who said I’m nervous?”
Gao Xiang struggled to suppress his laughter and coaxed: “Okay, okay, you’re not nervous at all. I’m the one who’s nervous. There’s something I need to tell you.” He leaned close to her and lowered his voice. “I really don’t know if I snore when I sleep.”
She froze, releasing a bit of emotion, and threw herself into his arms: “If your snoring keeps me awake, I’ll kick you out.”
“Hey, don’t be so fierce. Oh right, I just remembered something else—” He drew out his voice. She looked at him suspiciously. He said with a straight face, “I’m used to sleeping naked. Is that a problem?”
She angrily pinched his arm hard. He cried “ouch” in pain. She couldn’t help but laugh, flashed into the bathroom, quickly showered and changed into her pajamas, then got into bed to read a book, trying to calm herself down. Gao Xiang went to shower and came out quickly too. She stole a glance at him—he was properly dressed in pajamas—and breathed a sigh of relief. He walked to the bedside. She didn’t dare look up at him, only hearing him say: “One more thing—you don’t mind, do you? I’m more used to sleeping on the left side of the bed.”
“Then I’ll move for you.”
She was about to shift when he held her down and laughed heartily: “Just sleep there. You really are a literal-minded child.”
Only then did she understand he was still teasing her. She huffed and lowered her head to read, ignoring him. Smiling, he got into bed and took her book—it was a thick English paperback novel by the Portland-born author Stephen King she had mentioned: IT (Chinese title “Death Light”).
“What’s it about? Is it good?”
“It’s about several children encountering nameless fears from childhood. I can’t say if it’s good or not, but the whole atmosphere of the book makes you quite… tense.”
“So you’re not tense because you’re thinking about staying with me?”
She had no answer. She put the book on the nightstand, slid down to lie properly, and pulled the sheet over her head. As soon as he pulled the sheet, she nervously asked: “What are you doing?”
Her reaction amused him again, though he was also somewhat helpless: “You don’t need to smother yourself inside.”
Her face flushed red, and she turned her back to him. He also lay down: “I can’t sleep. Keep me company and chat.”
“Chat about what?”
“What did your mom whisper to you before you left, pulling you aside? She also handed you a piece of paper—was it a secret martial arts manual?”
Zuo Si’an was immediately speechless.
Before leaving home, Yu Jia had very concisely and seriously instructed her: “I can’t stop you anymore. How things will go between you two, no one can say for sure. I made demands of him, but with two people traveling together, asking you to remain pure isn’t realistic. There’s one thing you must promise me: you must use contraception.”
And the paper she handed over was printed information about contraceptive physiology, listing various contraceptive methods for comparison. Zuo Si’an only glanced at it before her face flushed hot, and she quickly stuffed it into her pocket, never willing to touch it again. But this paper, along with what Yu Jia said, had already pressed heavily into her heart.
She said sullenly: “I’m about to fall asleep. Don’t disturb me.”
His hand reached over and rested on her shoulder. She involuntarily shrank slightly. He sighed and said softly: “Xiao An, if you’re still worried about that thing, I’ll say it once more: there’s no rush. You don’t need to be afraid of me at all.”
She was overcome with both shyness and guilt, and turned around: “I’m sorry.”
“There you go again. You’re not allowed to say sorry about this anymore either.”
She was silent for a long while, then said hoarsely: “I’ve read many books, including psychology, and kept telling myself I’ve adjusted, but…”
He kissed her lips: “There’s no ‘but.’ You don’t need to feel sorry at all. Doing this requires both body and mind to be ready together to enjoy the pleasure. We’ll have lots of time together in the future. There’s no rush.”
Lying in a strange bed, sleeping beside a man—for someone with chronic insomnia, this certainly didn’t help with falling asleep.
Gao Xiang had been asleep for a long time, but Zuo Si’an was still awake. His arm was draped over her body. Afraid of disturbing him, she lay motionless. This overly cautious posture made her feel very tired. She couldn’t lie there any longer. As lightly as possible, she moved his arm away, took the book from the nightstand, went into the bathroom, turned on the light, sat on the toilet, and began reading as usual.
She had already read quite a few Stephen King novels and had discussed with Sarah certain background elements she didn’t fully understand. Sarah had asked curiously: “Why do you like this author? It can’t just be because he was born in this city, right?”
Her answer had been very standard, as if doing homework: “I think he’s very good at excavating the indescribable darkness deep in people’s hearts.”
Actually, for her, no darkness could surpass her nightmares. Reading his novels before bed, like the stuffed bear she kept by her pillow, could remind her that some darkness came only from empty imagination and inner fears. In such an uncomfortable place, she kept reading until drowsiness finally came, then quietly returned to bed and burrowed into his embrace to sleep.
The next day, Gao Xiang took Zuo En’an to rent a car. He had originally set his sights on a Chevrolet, but Zuo Si’an tugged hard on his sleeve and dragged him in front of a Jeep Wrangler: “Can we rent this car?”
He laughed: “We’re going to cities next. There’s no need to drive this kind of off-road vehicle prepared for extreme road conditions. The ride won’t be comfortable enough either.”
“But I’ve always wanted to sit in that kind of high vehicle, like a truck, the way it’s written in road novels—crossing the entire continent. How interesting.”
“Okay, I’ll satisfy you.”
She happily kissed him. That excited, childlike appearance made him feel it would be worth it even if he rented a truck.
“When we have time in the future, I’ll definitely take you on a cross-country trip across America.”
This promise made her even more delighted.
Washington’s famous cherry blossoms wouldn’t bloom until late March. Gao Xiang and Zuo Si’an had arrived more than twenty days early and missed the flowering season. They visited several famous sites including the White House, Capitol Hill, and the Lincoln Memorial. The itinerary was originally very relaxed, but in the afternoon while they were resting at the Lincoln Memorial, Gao Xiang received a call from New York. Chen Zihui pretended to be innocent: “Baobao is clamoring to talk to you.”
Gao Xiang understood this was most likely Chen Zihui deliberately having Baobao call, but while he could end a conversation with his mother in three sentences, he couldn’t casually brush off Baobao. The two chatted on the phone for about ten minutes before he coaxed Baobao into agreeing to take a nap.
Putting down his phone, he looked at Zuo Si’an again—she had already walked far away.
He walked over and put his arm around her shoulder: “Unhappy?”
She shook her head and smiled reluctantly: “No, I was studying the map. Can we go to Baltimore? It’s very close to Washington—only an hour’s drive.”
Gao Xiang had originally planned to go directly to Philadelphia and hadn’t included Baltimore in the itinerary. He looked at the map in her hand: “Is there something special about that city?”
“Last year my English teacher had us read poetry. One of the poems had a Latin name: Desiderata, meaning ‘desired things.’ I really liked it—it was the first English poem I memorized. It’s said to have been carved in St. Paul’s Church in Baltimore in 1692.”
He didn’t mind changing the itinerary according to her wishes: “Okay, let’s go there.”
Gao Xiang drove toward Baltimore and said: “Read that poem to me.”
Zuo Si’an hesitated for a moment, then recited softly:
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
(Walk calmly forward in the noisy and hurried world
What peace and tranquility this is
You should get along well with everyone around you
Try as much as possible not to abandon this effort and pursuit
You should speak your true thoughts softly yet clearly
And patiently listen to others’ vague or even annoying ideas
Because everyone has their own story
You should stay far away from noisy, aggressive people
They will torment your spirit
If you compare yourself with others
Then you will become both conceited and bitter
Because there will always be people stronger and weaker than you in this world
You should enjoy your own achievements and plans
Maintain interest in your own career
No matter how trivial or lowly, it is
Your true possession in these ever-changing times
In business affairs you must be careful and cautious
For the world is full of conspiracy and deception
But don’t let yourself become blind to virtue
Many people in the world endure hunger and cold for noble ideals
Heroism exists everywhere in life
You must be honest with yourself
Especially don’t pretend to have feelings when you don’t
Don’t be cynical about love
In this arid, hopeless land
It is an evergreen oasis through all seasons
You should earnestly absorb the lessons of flowing years
Gracefully bid farewell to youthful times
You should cultivate your spiritual strength
To resist sudden misfortune’s blows
But never use imagination to distress and sadden yourself
Much fear arises from fatigue and loneliness
Apart from principles beneficial to physical and mental health
You should treat yourself well
You, like the trees and stars, are part of this vast universe
You have the right to live here
Without doubt this world has completely opened for you
Whether or not you clearly understand this point
So you should be at peace with God
No matter where you think He is
And no matter what efforts you make or desires you have
In the noisy, confused life
You should be at peace with your soul
Despite all the falseness and deception in this world
Despite all the monotonous tedious work
And numerous shattered dreams
This is still a beautiful world
Remember: you should strive to pursue happiness)
He freed one hand to touch her hair and exclaimed: “That sounds beautiful.”
“That’s not how you praise a poem.”
“I’m praising your voice. My English is only good enough to understand the last few lines: This is still a beautiful world. Remember: you should strive to pursue happiness. Right?”
“Right,” she smiled. “I like the middle lines best. The Chinese meaning is: You should treat yourself well. You, like the trees and stars, are part of this vast universe. You have the right to live here. Without doubt this world has completely opened for you, whether or not you clearly understand this point.”
“I still prefer the line I understood: Be cheerful, Strive to be happy. I want you to be happy.”
She gripped his hand tightly: “I’m already very happy.”
Baltimore also had quite a few tourist attractions, but compared to the several cities in Gao Xiang’s arrangement, its appeal to tourists was obviously inferior—neither fashionable and prosperous like New York, nor quiet and classical like Portland. As they drove into the city, they even passed through an industrial area. After entering the urban district, there were blocks of disordered, densely packed houses that looked uninhabited, with poor security—a scene of desolate decay. Gao Xiang couldn’t help but frown and could only immediately drive away.
Fortunately, they soon passed that area. The city center was full of tall buildings, with neat streets, appearing beautiful and prosperous with good order.
Arriving at St. Paul’s Church, Zuo Si’an and Gao Xiang wandered inside and outside the church but couldn’t find any carved poem anywhere. Puzzled, a silver-haired, kindly-looking old gentleman proactively greeted them: “You’re looking for the poem carved on the wall, aren’t you?”
“Yes. How did you know?”
“I’ve been a volunteer at this church for nearly ten years and have encountered quite a few tourists looking for the poem. I specially researched it and learned that it’s actually a beautiful misunderstanding.” The old gentleman laughed heartily. “Desiderata was written by a poet named Max Ehrmann in 1927. It was once collected by a parish priest of St. Paul’s Church into a booklet and distributed to parishioners as spiritual nourishment. The cover of the booklet was printed with St. Paul’s Church’s construction date: 1692. After the poem spread, it was mistakenly believed to be the writing date, and somehow it was embellished to say it was carved on the church wall.”
“Oh, so that’s what happened.”
The old gentleman added with a smile: “It doesn’t affect the poem’s beauty, does it?”
Zuo Si’an nodded in agreement.
“Please continue your visit. This is the first Catholic church in all of America, with a very long history. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.” The old gentleman quoted a line from the poem and waved goodbye to them.
Coming out of St. Paul’s Church, the two went to the Inner Harbor. This had originally been an important industrial port. After World War II, as the city’s heavy industry declined, the port became increasingly desolate. Later the government carried out large-scale renovation, replanning to develop commerce and tourism, and boat tours became an important tourist activity.
They strolled along the embankment. Zuo Si’an said: “I actually quite like this place. The city isn’t as orderly as Washington, but it looks rather intimate. I don’t know why, but it somehow feels like being by the riverside in Hanjiang.”
He didn’t feel there was much similarity, but knew she was probably homesick: “Are you missing home?”
She froze, her expression somewhat confused and dim, and shook her head.
“You talked in your sleep yesterday.”
She immediately tensed: “Did I wake you? What did I say?”
“You called for your dad and said Shenyang Road had arrived.”
Her eyes immediately reddened, and she could no longer pretend nothing was wrong.
“Missing your dad?” She silently acknowledged. He held her. “Have you been in contact with him?”
“Every time I call him, I don’t know what to say. Last time on the phone, I told him I was thinking of going to university in New York, and he said he planned to ask friends to help sell the apartment in Hanjiang and send me the money together with his savings for tuition.” Speaking of this, she could no longer hold back. Tears slid down from the corners of her eyes as she choked out: “I told him I was going to a public university and it wouldn’t cost much, that I didn’t need him to send more money, but he wouldn’t listen and insisted on doing this. He said this was the only thing he could do for me. I know he doesn’t plan to return to Hanjiang, and I have no home to return to either.”
All he could do was hold her tighter, stroking her hair, waiting until her emotions settled before saying: “Xiao An, we’ll have a home.”
She didn’t speak, only nestled deeper into his embrace.
That evening, they checked into a hotel near the Inner Harbor. Gao Xiang was somewhat tired from driving and fell asleep first after showering and lying on the bed. He was awakened by a long, lingering kiss in the middle of the night, almost suspecting he was having a spring dream. However, he quickly realized this was not a dream.
No lights were on in the room. Moonlight filtered through the half-open curtains. Zuo Si’an was leaning over beside him, her tongue lightly gliding across his throat—soft, moist, and teasing. In the darkness, he could vaguely see she was wearing thin pajamas, her long hair cascading down, her body emanating a delicate fragrance.
He smiled bitterly and said hoarsely: “Sleeping together with you is already a great test of my self-control. You can’t tempt me like this.”
She didn’t listen. She reached out to lift his round-necked T-shirt that served as pajamas, pressing her lips to his chest. He pressed down on her with one hand. She raised her head, her eyes gleaming in the night: “I want you, Gao Xiang.”
His body had already begun boiling involuntarily. He said with effort: “Don’t force yourself. I said there’s no rush.”
“If we’ve decided to be together, we should start eventually. I need to overcome my own fear. So…” Her voice lowered. “Please… be patient with me.”
He needed no further encouragement. He turned over and pressed her beneath him, beginning to kiss her.
Zuo Si’an enjoyed the stable, warm feeling that Gao Xiang’s embrace brought, loved the intimate closeness of their varying kisses. But when all their clothes were shed and there was not a thread of barrier between them, she still fearfully shrank back.
The darkness spared her from facing the shyness of naked confrontation, but it also made everything unknowable, causing certain things buried deep in her memory to surface like shadows. She needed to keep telling herself: This is the man you’ve always loved, and you’ve already made your decision.
He sensed this from her stiff posture, her involuntary retreat, the cold sweat on her skin. He propped up his body, easing the pressure on her, preparing to slow down. But she held him tightly, wrapping around him more closely, recklessly meeting his ardent heat.
He could no longer stop. Everything needed no rehearsal and couldn’t be controlled.
He knew she was still afraid, even knew that in her effort to overcome fear, she was in a strange state of detachment and dissociation, almost completing this most intimate contact with him as an act of offering, showing courage far greater than enjoyment. His passion involuntarily mixed with pity and guilt, yet all these forbidden feelings seemed able to double the pleasure. When he reached his peak, the happiness he felt was like an explosion—pure, heedless, overwhelming him completely.
2
Gao Xiang’s original arrangement was to drive to Philadelphia for three days, to Atlantic City for two days, then return to New York. However, they completely abandoned the plan and stayed in Baltimore for a full five days.
They didn’t tour anywhere, except going to nearby places to eat and strolling by the Inner Harbor. The rest of the time they stayed in the hotel.
Zuo Si’an remained inexperienced. She had read many books, but theory was completely different from her actual experience. She realized with some disappointment that no matter how well she had learned to disguise herself as a normal girl on the outside, she could never fake normal physiological responses.
She asked Gao Xiang anxiously: “Does my performance disappoint you?”
He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry: “Nonsense. I couldn’t possibly be more satisfied.”
He was telling the truth. As a man with experience, he discovered that so-called experience only represented what he had already gone through. What was currently happening was equally new to him, unprecedented, nearly miraculous.
Perhaps because the hidden anticipation had lasted too long, the forbidden was finally set aside; perhaps because she had finally overcome the fear brought by physical contact, her efforts to please him allowed him to experience unprecedented passion. He knew she hadn’t reached climax as he had, that even pleasure wasn’t a major component for her. For her, making love was more like a sacrifice, an offering of self through endurance. Yet she accepted him wholeheartedly, that gesture of abandoning self and willing to lose herself was enough to drive someone more rational than him insane.
Kiss after kiss, embrace after embrace, touching another body in sleep and instinctively holding tight, unguarded, from sweat and panting to every part of their bodies—all merged together completely. In the moments of rest, they lay side by side on the bed, holding each other’s hands, feeling time passing quietly together.
Gao Xiang turned his head to look at her. She had her eyes closed, her expression serene and relaxed. He kissed her hair, thinking that Yu Jia had actually worried he would use sex to control Zuo Si’an, when in fact, he was the one thoroughly entranced.
If not for receiving more than one call from Chen Zihui every day, having Baobao chat with him, Gao Xiang wouldn’t have even thought about how many days they’d been there.
Whenever this happened, Zuo Si’an would proactively withdraw. After putting down his phone, Gao Xiang tried to talk to her about Baobao, but she immediately changed the subject. He understood her avoidance and didn’t want to force her, adding to her psychological burden.
Other than that, they were intimate to a degree that seemed impossible to deepen. She clearly realized her own indulgence. If at this moment Zuo Si’an said to him: “Let’s elope. You don’t need to return to China, I don’t need to go home. From now on we’ll just be together,” he would definitely agree without hesitation.
However, all Zuo Si’an said was: “Your return flight to China is tomorrow. We must leave.”
He was unwilling to leave at this moment and shook his head: “No rush, we’ll make it in time.”
She fell silent and threw herself back into his embrace.
When Gao Xiang woke up, Zuo Si’an was already dressed and had packed both their luggage.
After checking out, they drove toward Philadelphia. It was nearly dusk when they arrived. They had almost no impression of this historically oldest city in America, just randomly found a place to eat, rested briefly, and prepared to continue their journey.
Gao Xiang suddenly pulled Zuo Si’an’s hand and walked into an exquisitely decorated women’s clothing store by the road.
“I’m not buying clothes.”
“A few days ago in Portland when I went to find you, weren’t you and your classmates choosing dresses for the graduation dance? When is the graduation dance?”
“Mid-June, I think.”
Gao Xiang thought for a moment: “If I can’t make it back by then and someone asks you, accept.”
Her eyes dimmed: “I can’t dance at all. I never planned to attend the dance.”
He ignored her objection, his gaze sweeping over the displayed racks, selecting a white spaghetti-strap cocktail dress: “Go try this on quickly.”
Zuo Si’an changed into the white cocktail dress and matching high heels. She had never worn such formal attire adorned with pearls and delicate embroidery. Touching her exposed shoulders and back, she felt very uncomfortable and hesitated for a long while before walking out of the fitting room.
She didn’t need to look in a mirror—from Gao Xiang’s bright gaze she could tell she was beautiful, even “eye-catching,” that focused look made her heart flutter.
Gao Xiang immediately bought the dress and stopped her: “Don’t change out of it.”
“Hey, driving dressed like this, people will think I’m crazy.”
“I’m willing to accompany such a crazy person forever.”
He took her to the nearest hotel and booked a suite. She pulled at him: “We need to rush back to New York.”
“We’ll make it in time. It’s at most two hours by car from Philadelphia to New York.”
In the elevator, he looked at her with perfect righteousness: “Don’t think dirty thoughts. I’m just planning to find a place to teach you how to dance, so you don’t miss the graduation dance.”
She was both embarrassed and annoyed, huffed, and turned her face away refusing to acknowledge him. He was amused by her conflicted expression and laughed heartily.
Entering the room, he truly opened the long window in the living room facing the balcony, turned on the stereo to a dance tune, held her and began seriously teaching her to dance. She involuntarily followed his steps, but her posture remained somewhat stiff.
“Relax, follow the rhythm. I’ll give you signals for moving forward and backward. I guarantee you’ll learn quickly. Don’t be nervous.”
“So who taught you to dance?”
“A senior from university.”
She mischievously scratched his neck and asked: “Did she give you signals like this too?” The hand holding her waist tightened slightly. She immediately begged for mercy with exaggerated squeals: “Ow, it hurts, it hurts!”
“Since you brought up the senior, let me ask—who is Martin?”
“Martin? He’s Sarah’s cousin. Why are you suddenly asking about him?”
“He’s pursuing you, isn’t he? Have you gone on dates?”
She immediately looked uncomfortable: “What are you talking about? We’ve barely spoken.”
“Silly child, it’s perfectly normal for boys to pursue you.”
“He’s not pursuing me at all. He’s very shy. He only took Sarah and me out to sea once to watch lobster fishing. Their family has been in lobster fishing for generations. By their father’s generation, among the siblings only Martin’s dad was willing to stay in his hometown as a fisherman. Sarah’s father left for the West without a word back then and only occasionally calls home.”
After a pause, she added: “Sarah told me that Stephen King’s father said he was going out to buy cigarettes when King was two years old, then never came back. Men leaving seems to be some kind of Portland tradition, like lobster fishing.” She looked up at him, half-joking: “Hey, once you return to China, you won’t not come back, will you?”
He gave her a look: “Don’t talk nonsense. I told you, once I handle things, I’ll return quickly.”
She finally couldn’t help but ask: “But will your family agree to you coming here?”
He answered honestly: “No. I hope they’ll understand, but I’ve made my decision. Whether they agree or not can’t change that.”
“What if they…” Zuo Si’an bit her lip, momentarily unsure how to continue.
“At most they’ll cut off my financial support. That’s not a problem either. I have some savings. I can temporarily not attend business school and find work here to support our life.”
She didn’t look reassured, only saying softly: “Thank you.”
“From now on, you’re not allowed to thank me for things like this, because I also don’t plan to thank you for giving up a better university admission offer for me. Is your mom still angry?”
“She is indeed disappointed in me, but she’s never been one to nag. She hasn’t said anything more.”
He held her, pulling her tighter into his embrace: “I really want to take you with me.”
She froze, stopped smiling, and rested her head on his shoulder, saying nothing for a long time. He looked down at her—her eyes had reddened somewhat. “What’s wrong? I’ll be back quickly. Don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried.”
“Then what are you thinking about?”
“Thinking about some things from before. My dad also said he didn’t want me to grow up, that he could always take me with him, take me wherever he went. But…”
Gao Xiang stopped moving, lifted her chin, gazed at her, and said seriously: “Xiao An, I’m not your father. I’m your boyfriend. I will come back.”
She nodded, tears glistening in her eyes.
The night grew deeper and deeper. Moonlight spilled in like water. The evening breeze gently caressed them. Gao Xiang kissed Zuo En’an’s bare shoulders, licking across her collarbone. She playfully pushed him: “You said you were only going to teach me to dance?”
He murmured: “We should review another dance.”
He turned her around and slowly pulled down the zipper on her back. The snow-white dress slipped down, revealing the undulating curve of her back, the slight dimples at her waist. He kissed downward bit by bit. Their bodies inevitably became entwined again, especially intense because of the impending separation.
She might not be able to feel the legendary climax, but she had an irresistible greed for this intimacy. She needed him to look at her with confused eyes, caress every inch of her body’s skin, enter inside her, climb to the peak of pleasure.
That intense stimulation carried an almost painful quality, yet while she feared it, she also longed to experience it again, as if it were proof of existence. For her, what she experienced was already enough. Making love with him had meaning beyond pleasure and climax—it was the ultimate physical intimacy between two people in love. If souls truly existed, at that moment, invisible collisions must also occur, bursting forth invisible sparks.
The two lay exhausted and quiet. Gao Xiang’s phone, set aside, flashed silently every so often. Zuo Si’an reminded him. He shook his head: “At this hour, Baobao must already be asleep. It must be my mom calling to urge me back. I already told her during the day that I won’t miss my flight. No need to answer.”
Gao Xiang fell into a deep sleep. Zuo Si’an was also very tired, but her thoughts were racing and she couldn’t sleep at all. After a long time, Gao Xiang’s phone was still flashing intermittently. She felt somewhat sympathetic: the person on the other end of the phone was also a mother, constantly calling, just like her own mother refusing to give up on persuading her to attend a better university—both carrying a persistence that continued despite knowing it was hopeless.
She looked at the time—it was already past 1 AM. She hesitated, then put on her robe, grabbed the phone, walked to the balcony, pressed answer, and said softly: “Gao Xiang is already asleep. He said he would be on time…”
Chen Zihui’s shrill voice came through the phone: “You really have no shame. Zuo Si’an, why are you clinging to my son like this?”
She thought that being surrounded by love indeed made one involuntarily weak and foolish. She had actually proactively answered this woman’s call, essentially offering herself up for insult. She could only say flatly: “I’m just advising you to rest early and not waste time calling again.”
She was about to hang up when Chen Zihui called: “Wait. Zuo Si’an, if you want revenge on me, come at me directly. Please don’t entangle Gao Xiang.”
“I’m not entangling him.”
“Then why would he suddenly want to stay in America for you? He has great prospects in China. Our Chen family’s entire company will be his sooner or later. He treats Baobao like his own son, but he’s willing to give up everything for you. Can you really bear to do this?”
“That’s his own choice.”
“You and I both know clearly that he’s only acting out of guilt. Although from start to finish it had nothing to do with him, my younger brother grew up with him since childhood. In name they were uncle and nephew, but in reality they were as close as brothers. They share blood relations. He wants to atone for that incident, which is why he’s endlessly taking care of you, including sending you to Tibet and nearly losing his life there.”
The night wind in Philadelphia in March still carried a chill. Zuo Si’an’s entire body turned ice cold, as if frozen in place, unable to speak. She only heard Chen Zihui continue eloquently: “He’s been outstanding and excellent since childhood. His previous girlfriend still loves him and contacts me from time to time, asking about him and hoping to get back together. If not for you, they never would have broken up. What kind of girl couldn’t he pursue? Why would he be with you? He just thinks you’re pitiful. Yet you’re actually using his sympathy to take revenge on us. Are you even human? Do you think you can maintain this for long? Never mind anything else—you ran to my house and spoke badly of his father, driving a wedge between his father and me. He slapped you. You should remember that, right? That’s proof enough that in his heart, his family has always been most important. This place, America, doesn’t care whether you’re a virgin or how clean your body is. Why must you desperately cling to my son like this, refusing to let go, determined to ruin his reputation before you’re satisfied? Even if Ziyu did something wrong, so what? If he’d been caught he would have served a few years in prison at most. But your father forced him to lose his life. Isn’t that enough for you?”
At the mention of that name, Zuo Si’an finally recovered her ability to speak: “Not enough. I hope your brother rots in hell, never to be reborn.”
She finished word by word, hung up the phone, and turned it off.
Zuo Si’an leaned against the balcony railing, adjusting her breathing, letting her agitated heartbeat slowly calm, trying to control her body’s trembling as she returned to the room. She climbed onto the bed, lifted the sheet. Gao Xiang was exposed before her. She knelt down and kissed his body inch by inch, listening to his vague, satisfied murmurs in sleep, watching him become aroused again. Without hesitation she straddled him, accepting him. This unprecedented wild and bold position made him think he was once again in an old dream that had been haunting him for years.
Yet the collision of their bodies was so intensely real that all taboos and self-restraint seemed extremely pale and powerless, cast aside.
Hazy moonlight spilled into the room. Their bodies rose and fell in the dim light. She wanted and wanted again, while he gave and gave again. Both were equally greedy, never sated. At a certain critical point, electric current simultaneously struck them both, penetrating their entire bodies.
The world became so quiet it nearly disappeared. She suddenly didn’t know where she was, completely losing direction. But this kind of losing was different from getting lost as a child—there was no panic, no fear, but rather unexpected wild joy, as if after an unknowable fall, she had arrived at the long-awaited destination.
After calming down, both were utterly exhausted, in a state of satisfaction verging on emptiness, with both physical strength and emotions depleted.
At 5 AM, Zuo Si’an woke Gao Xiang again. They checked out. She insisted on driving. She took Interstate 95 and arrived smoothly in New York two and a half hours later. That day New York was unusually cold, with fine snowflakes drifting down. Gao Xiang wanted to take her to the bus station, but she refused: “No, you’re running out of time. Go straight back to your place.”
When they reached the apartment building, she took her luggage and got out: “I’ll go to the café across the street, have some coffee and eat something, watch you leave, then go back to Portland. Don’t worry.”
Through the café’s glass window, Zuo Si’an watched Gao Xiang bring down large and small bags of luggage. The building manager helped him load them into the car, then he went upstairs again. A few minutes later, he came down holding a boy, together with Chen Zihui. The boy hugged Gao Xiang’s neck affectionately, saying something to him. He smiled in response, ruffling the little boy’s hair, his face full of tender love.
The new episode of Sesame Street, walks with the big golden retriever in Central Park, pizza and ice cream from the corner shop… From the phone calls Gao Xiang received daily, Zuo Si’an already knew the general content of their conversations.
This scene made her involuntarily think of her own childhood, her heart surging with emotion.
She watched as Gao Xiang opened the back car door, let Chen Zihui get in, then placed the child beside her. Zuo Si’an held her breath waiting. Gao Xiang handed a tip to the manager, then finally slowly turned around, gazing toward her. She raised her hand and waved. She wasn’t sure if he could see clearly across the street, but he also waved to her before getting in the car and driving away.
Outside the window, barely-there snowflakes continued to fall. The leaden sky was oppressive and heavy. Zuo Si’an leaned back against her chair, her heart as empty and blank as during that first year in Portland, experiencing the first heavy snowfall after winter arrived—overwhelming, covering everything, a complete whiteness.
Despite having just experienced the greatest sweetness and satisfaction of her life, and receiving a promise she trusted, she had a strong pessimistic premonition about the future.