1
After Gao Xiang returned from New York with his mother and son, Chen Liguo immediately had a long talk with him. Rather than directly addressing his study abroad plans, he first expressed deep concern about the company’s current situation.
“Your father’s acquisition pace is becoming increasingly aggressive, causing considerable controversy within the company. Combined with his insistence on increasing advertising spending, our cash flow is under significant pressure. The senior management is basically taking a wait-and-see, skeptical attitude. He also hired a returnee from a foreign company at a high salary who previously worked in fast-moving consumer goods to take your position. That person is capable, but after all, isn’t familiar with the baijiu industry. The sales policies he’s formulated have caused great controversy among distributors.”
Although Gao Xiang hadn’t been in China for half a year, he still closely followed the company’s developments and knew about the problems his grandfather mentioned: “I’ll have a good talk with Dad and get him to strengthen communication with management and distributors. As for the acquisitions, the overall economic environment seems to be showing signs of adjustment—it’s really not advisable to advance too quickly.”
“I’m old, can’t keep track of many things, and will eventually let go completely. But your father and mother have been fighting for over two years, and their relationship hasn’t improved at all. I really don’t know what will happen in the future.”
“I’ll find an opportunity to persuade Mom again. After all this time, she’s just being stubborn. She won’t still hate Dad like she did at the beginning.”
“So you see, whether it’s the family or the company, they can’t do without you. I only have one daughter, Zihui, and only one grandson, you. Only when I hand the company over to you will I feel at ease.”
Gao Xiang couldn’t help but smile bitterly: “Grandfather, we already discussed this on the phone—I’ve decided to study abroad.”
“It’s good for young people to want to enrich themselves. If you weren’t going to study in America, I would support you.”
“Grandfather, please just say it directly—you don’t want me to be with Zuo Si’an.”
“She’s directly related to Ziyu’s death, and she also caused your parents’ relationship to fracture to a nearly irreparable degree.” He raised a hand to stop Gao Xiang’s rebuttal. “Most importantly, she’s also Baobao’s birth mother. Think about it—how could your mother and I possibly accept her?”
“I understand all of this. From Si’an’s perspective, facing my family would be even more difficult. I’ve been conflicted for a long time, wanting to forget her, but I can’t do it.”
“Have you thought about this—even if we don’t consider my feelings and your mother’s feelings, how much gossip will this stir up? People won’t think that you fell in love with a certain girl and got together with her. They’ll only say you’re with a woman your uncle… raped. Who could bear that kind of rumor?”
“That’s why I’ve decided to live in America, where no one will care about such things.”
Chen Liguo was greatly shocked and stood up trembling. Gao Xiang hurried to support him. He stared at his grandson: “You’re planning to stay abroad permanently?”
“Grandfather, don’t worry. I’m not planning to leave and never return. Even if it weren’t for Si’an, I’m also tired of this ready-made job I’ve been doing since graduating from university. I’ve long hoped to go out and develop on my own. During this time, I’ve been considering this matter. Besides preparing to study, I also want to do business related to the company—for example, wine agency. I’ve done some preliminary market research. Domestic consumption in this area is expanding daily, and there are many business opportunities. When the time comes, I’ll travel back and forth between the two places.”
“You mean you’re planning to withdraw from the company?”
“As for the company, I believe you and Dad can definitely work out a stable development plan together. I want to do something I’m interested in.”
After a long while, Chen Liguo finally said: “Xiao Xiang, I don’t agree.”
“I’ve prepared a business plan for you. If after reading it you feel it’s not worth investing in, I can understand.”
“Xiao Xiang, I trust your judgment, but this isn’t just about investment.”
“I understand.”
“During this time, your mother keeps calling me, hoping I can find a way to keep you in China. I told her that you’ve been independent and strong-minded since childhood. Once you make a decision, others probably can’t change it. She told me to cut off your financial resources.” Chen Liguo smiled bitterly and shook his head. “Don’t blame her—she’s doing it for your own good. But her thinking has always been simplistic. At her age, she still acts recklessly. Not to mention that you’re my only grandson—just considering your contributions to the company over these years, I shouldn’t use money to control you. You definitely won’t submit, and it would only hurt our family feelings and push you further away from us.”
“Grandfather, I won’t misunderstand you.”
Chen Liguo looked at him with a gloomy expression: “You’re a good child. I’ve thought it over and over. Apart from complaining to you and showing weakness, hoping you’ll stay for the sake of my advanced age and limited remaining time, I really can’t think of any other way.”
Gao Xiang felt terrible: “Grandfather, you’re not that old. I’ll come back to see you often. If you’re willing, you can also vacation in America.”
“My body simply can’t withstand long-distance flights anymore. Xiao Xiang, your mother keeps saying ‘our Chen family,’ but look at our Chen family—since Ziyu’s incident, where is there any hope left? I’m old and sick. Your mother has never understood business matters and has made a complete mess of her own marriage. As for Baobao’s health, I don’t dare be optimistic at all. That child was forcibly obtained by Zihui against the will of heaven and human morality. We can only do our best to treat him medically. You and I both know clearly that even with the most optimistic attitude—if his surgery succeeds—he’ll never be completely like a normal child in the future. I can only rely on you.”
After saying all this in one breath, Chen Liguo was already slightly panting. He rested a moment and grasped Gao Xiang’s hand: “Whether you consider it as me relying on my seniority, or as me not respecting your choice and forcing you, I hope you can stay in China, gradually take over the company, find a good girl to marry. If I can live to see you have children, I could die content.”
Gao Xiang was so blocked he couldn’t speak another word.
“You see, when people reach a certain age, they become this shamelessly selfish and demanding.” Chen Liguo’s gaze at him was frank, without any threatening implication, his attitude loving and even carrying some apology. “This is all I can do. Think it over carefully. Whatever decision you make, I won’t blame you, Xiao Xiang.”
Gao Xiang of course understood that his grandfather was both genuinely emotional and playing the emotion card. To some extent, his goal was the same as his mother’s loud arguments. But he wouldn’t blame his mother, and of course even less would he doubt his grandfather’s love for him because of this.
Chen Liguo had doted on him greatly since childhood, treating his young uncle and this grandson equally, constantly reminding his daughter not to focus all her attention on her younger brother and neglect her son. As Chen Ziyu gradually grew up and completely disappointed him, his reliance on Gao Xiang became even more obvious.
Before Gao Xiang could respond, Chen Liguo checked into the hospital the next day. The doctors conducted comprehensive examinations and reached a serious yet somewhat vague conclusion, saying he needed strict rest. He immediately appointed Gao Xiang to go to work at the company with full authority to handle all affairs on his behalf.
Under Chen Liguo’s orders, one meeting after another waited for Gao Xiang to attend before officially starting. Almost all documents had to be sent to him for review and signature. What caught him even more off guard was the sudden influx of investment bank representatives, law firm lawyers, accounting firm auditors, asset appraisers, and securities firm representatives working with the company on pre-IPO preparations, meeting with him like a revolving lantern to discuss various issues. Chen Liguo’s secretary simply moved to the outer room of his office, scheduling his days completely full. For a time, he was busier than when he’d previously worked.
Except for occasional business trips, he constantly traveled between Qinggang and the provincial capital, returning from the office very late every day. Moreover, things kept increasing, and he could clearly see it was becoming harder to break free. He couldn’t help but silently groan while having to admire his grandfather’s cunning calculations. Chen Liguo obviously knew that simply playing the emotion card would only make him feel guilty, but the corporate IPO work he’d now assigned him was extremely challenging. While troubling him, it involuntarily attracted him.
During this time, Gao Xiang could only contact Zuo Si’an by phone.
Watching spring turn to summer, the return date he’d promised kept getting pushed back day by day. He felt deep unease and guilt, but Zuo Si’an didn’t complain at all, only saying calmly: “Finish the work you need to handle first.”
However, the IPO work was a tangled mess. After handling one matter, more related affairs immediately followed. Chen Liguo simply went to Beijing for further treatment and didn’t return to work at the company at all. It became increasingly difficult for him to break free. Thinking of his promise to Zuo Si’an, he felt very anxious.
The only thing that comforted him was that Baobao’s health was gradually improving. His complexion shed its long-standing pallor, simple exercises became easier, and he no longer panted when walking. At the same time, his personality became increasingly distinct. He formally notified the family not to call him by his nickname anymore, reasoning that other children would laugh if they heard it.
Gao Xiang laughed heartily: “Then what should I call you, stinky little friend?”
He sniffed himself and shook his head decisively: “I’m not stinky. Great-grandfather calls you Xiao Xiang. You can call me Xiao Fei.”
“Alright, Xiao Fei is quite a spirited name.”
He proudly pounced on Gao Xiang and took a deep breath: “You’re the stinky one. You have such a heavy cigarette smell.”
“Yes, Dad was in meetings all day. Those people are all smoking fiends. I’ve decided to set a rule in the future—no smoking allowed in meetings.”
“Dad, will you not want me anymore?”
He was startled: “Xiao Fei, what are you saying?”
Gao Fei stared at his father: “Grandma said you might go to America and never come back.”
He resented his mother’s use of every possible means, even deploying the young child, but looking at his son’s bright eyes, he didn’t know how to answer. Gao Fei immediately sensed something was wrong. First he froze, then hugged his neck and burst into tears: “I won’t let you go, I won’t let you go!”
He held his son and coaxed him: “Dad didn’t say he’d abandon you. I’ll go to America for a while first, then bring you over.”
“You’re lying to me. Grandma said once you go, you’ll never come back.”
“When has Dad ever lied to you?”
After finally comforting his son, who had cried himself into exhaustion, and coaxing him to sleep, Gao Xiang went to negotiate with his mother, asking her not to say such things to the child anymore.
Chen Zihui said bluntly: “I’m stating facts.”
“How could I possibly abandon Xiao Fei?”
“If you insist on going to America, you’ll be abandoning not just him, but the entire family.”
Gao Xiang was infuriated: “Mom, please be reasonable. If you continue like this, I’ll directly take Baobao with me to live in America. He’s my son. Taking him doesn’t require anyone’s permission.”
Chen Zihui stood up at once: “What did you say? If you dare take Baobao away, I’ll…” Her finger pointed at Gao Xiang. For a moment, she couldn’t say what she could do. In her anger and urgency, she said, “I’ll go to America and fight to the death with that disaster named Zuo Si’an. My brother’s life wasn’t enough payment to her—then I’ll add my life too.”
By the last few words, Chen Zihui’s voice was already hoarse with rage. Gao Xiang was frightened by the hatred revealed on her distorted face: “Calm down, calm down.”
For once she controlled her emotions and didn’t continue her outburst. Her voice hoarse, she said: “If you really must leave, I can’t stop you. But don’t even think about taking Baobao. He’s all that’s left of our Chen family. I’ll take good care of him and protect the Chen family property for him so it won’t fall into outsiders’ hands.”
Gao Xiang hadn’t misspoken impulsively. Considering the future, leaving Xiao Fei would certainly be unbearable. He’d indeed thought more than once about taking his son to live in America. But he also knew that if he took Xiao Fei away, his mother would definitely make a huge scene, and how could Zuo Si’an possibly accept facing this child? Things in the world are rarely perfect, but his family affairs were contradictory to this extent. No side could compromise or reconcile, leaving him with a feeling of not knowing where to go.
In the blink of an eye, it was mid-August. Gao Xiang transferred work to his father. Gao Xiang looked at his son, wanting to speak but stopping. Gao Ming had never expressed any opinion on this matter. When Gao Xiang brought it up with him, he only smiled bitterly: “If I express opposition, my weight couldn’t possibly match your grandfather and mother. If I support you, your mother will imagine countless things, thinking I want to transfer you away to further control the company and seize their Chen family property.”
Gao Xiang understood that his father spoke the truth. He was both at odds with his wife and had lost his father-in-law’s trust. But he actually controlled the company’s operations. The company internally was in a delicate state of balance. At the slightest disturbance, this state might be broken, and no one could predict the result. He thought his plan to stay in America for study probably couldn’t be realized within this year at least. Perhaps after going to New York this time, he’d still have to return once to complete the IPO work before he could rest easy.
He called Zuo Si’an to explain his plan: “I’ve bought plane tickets, but I’m afraid I’ll miss your registration time at Baruch. You settle in first. I’ll come over in mid-September.”
“But you won’t stay in America, will you?”
“I’ll accompany you for the start of school, help you adapt to life in New York, then return home to complete the IPO work. Xiao An, please understand—I really can’t leave things here.”
She was silent for a long time: “I understand. Actually, you don’t need to rush over. If the pressure is too great, maybe it would be better for us to separate.”
He was greatly shocked, almost thinking the international call signal had problems: “What did you say?”
She mumbled: “I mean, you have work in China. You don’t have to rush to New York. I can go to school by myself.”
“Xiao An, don’t talk about separating again. I know leaving you alone in New York isn’t good. But the company IPO will take at most one year. I’ll definitely be able to break free.”
Gao Xiang knew that Zuo Si’an had given up better schools to study in New York for his sake, and because of this had nearly fallen out with her mother, bearing enormous pressure. If he let her go to school alone, he couldn’t forgive himself. Disregarding Chen Zihui’s objections, he changed his ticket to depart several days earlier. At the beginning of September, Gao Xiang took Baobao and his mother to New York. After sending them to the apartment, he immediately went to find Zuo Si’an.
Baruch only provided limited housing for first-year students. Zuo Si’an shared a dorm room with a black female student born in New York. When Gao Xiang knocked on the door, she was lying in bed reading. Seeing him arrive, she sat up and stared at him blankly, without the surprise he’d expected.
2
Since returning from New York, Zuo Si’an couldn’t shake off an unusually low mood. But without hesitation, she wrote a letter declining the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and accepting admission to Baruch College of the City University of New York.
Yu Jia was furious and blurted out: “I’m so disappointed in you!”
Her eyes dimmed. Without any defense, she only said softly: “I’m sorry.” Then she refused to react any further.
As the graduation dance approached, Zuo Si’an locked herself in her room, pinned up her hair, and put on the white cocktail dress Gao Xiang had bought her in Philadelphia. In the mirror, she looked exceptionally beautiful, but she couldn’t find the slightest happiness in her eyes. She only felt that something oppressive inside her was growing larger and larger, like a mouse that suddenly ran past in a nightmare, abruptly stopping and standing in front of her, staring at her, making her unable to breathe.
She received an international call from Gao Xiang in China. His voice sounded very tired: “My grandfather’s health isn’t good, and the company has some matters to resolve. I might have to delay coming over.”
She tried to appear composed: “It’s fine, no rush.”
Time passed day by day. By July, Zuo Si’an became increasingly silent, while Yu Jia secretly began to rejoice. She even talked to her about trying to transfer to certain branches of the State University of New York, where the environment was safer, some majors ranked highly and were very competitive, and as they were all public education systems, with her grades, transferring wasn’t impossible.
Zuo Si’an didn’t respond, and of course didn’t look up relevant information or prepare for transfer as her mother suggested. She just went to work as usual every day, and after getting off, went home and shut herself in her bedroom.
Yu Jia observed coldly, watching her daughter’s face gradually lose its luster, her eyes becoming dull, obviously lovesick. She was both angry and somewhat unable to bear it. This day, Yu Jia knocked on her door and saw her lying in bed reading.
“School starts soon. Going to live independently in a complex big city like New York, you’ve been absent-minded all along. Do you want to be robbed again?”
She hadn’t told her mother about encountering the robbery, but one day the New York police suddenly called, saying they’d caught a suspect and found a Portland library card she’d lost. They asked if she could come identify the person. She could only apologetically answer that she truly couldn’t describe any features of the robber and couldn’t identify anyone. The library card had already been reissued, so they needn’t bother sending it. Only then did Yu Jia learn of her daughter’s experience in New York that day. After feeling guilty and frightened, she was naturally quite angry.
Zuo Si’an didn’t want to bring up that incident at all: “Mom, I’ve experienced worse things. I won’t find having a wallet stolen that scary. Leave me alone and let me have some quiet.”
Yu Jia snatched the book from her hands. She had no choice but to sit up with a helpless expression: “You don’t need to tell me you already predicted Gao Xiang wouldn’t come on time. I know you really had analyzed everything clearly long ago.”
“You know I’m right, yet you persist in foolishness, refusing to go to the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. Now you can’t keep stubbornly going down the wrong path.”
“He has his difficulties. His family definitely doesn’t want him to come over.”
Yu Jia said angrily: “You’ve really thought everything through for him too. Since you know his family will strongly oppose it, why are you still doing this?”
“I love him.” For the first time, Zuo Si’an stated it so clearly. Yu Jia froze. She looked at her daughter. That young face had shadows from insomnia, yet her expression was firm, her eyes not evading in the slightest. “Yes, I love him. Mom, before leaving Hanjiang, I went to find him and told him I didn’t want to go to America. If he’d nodded even slightly, I definitely wouldn’t have left with you no matter what. But he told me to leave. I think he understands better than I do how impossible we are. I never imagined he would come to Portland to find me. Since he came and told me he wanted to be with me, no matter how pessimistic I am about the future, I won’t give up first. I’ll wait for him. This is the only thing I can do for him. He needs to face more problems than I do. If he can’t come over, I won’t blame him either.”
Yu Jia was furious: “What kind of love saint declaration is this? I’ve always taught you to be self-reliant, self-strengthening, and self-respecting. You’ve placed yourself in such a humble position—don’t you find it pitiful?”
“Self-reliance, self-strengthening, and self-respect don’t contradict being willing to wait in love. I’m just respecting his choice.”
“What about your own choice? You keep emphasizing you’ve grown up and have the right to choose your life. My understanding of choosing one’s life is definitely not passively waiting for a man to grace you with his presence.”
“I’m not waiting for a man. I’m waiting for him.” Zuo Si’an said calmly. “Mom, not everyone is like you, always able to turn and leave first.”
Yu Jia was momentarily speechless. After a long while, she said: “You still blame me. If your father hadn’t refused to return from Ali…”
“I don’t blame you. Even if Dad had been willing to return, you would have divorced anyway. You no longer had feelings for him.”
This calm conclusion left Yu Jia even more unable to speak.
“Since I’ve already prepared for him not being able to come to America, don’t worry about me. When school starts, I’ll go back to New York. I’m sorry for disappointing you. I can only promise you I won’t give up studying.”
Yu Jia’s mood at this moment could no longer be described as anger at her failure to meet expectations: “Xiao An, I’ve told you—forget those bad things that happened.”
“Why bring that up again?”
“If what you experienced hadn’t left you with psychological shadows, why would you debase yourself like this, handling your feelings in such a passive way?”
Zuo Si’an looked at her mother and shook her head with a sorrowful expression: “I don’t feel I’m being passive. But I don’t expect you to understand my feelings. Please don’t try to persuade me anymore. If we continue, you’ll only get angrier. Let’s not discuss this matter anymore.”
“Maybe I should take Peter’s advice and have you see a psychologist.”
No matter how preoccupied Zuo Si’an was, Yu Jia’s words made her smile bitterly: “I’m grateful you didn’t say you’d take me for an exorcism.”
Yu Jia could only let out a long sigh: “Xiao An, I completely can’t understand your thinking. You know as clearly as I do that you two can’t have a good outcome. This is far more predictable than a landslide, right? Yet you still make this choice and expect me to watch the disaster unfold. What do you want me to think?”
On August 10th, Zuo Si’an packed her luggage, refused her mother’s company, and went alone to New York to register for school. She thought that even if, as her mother said, what awaited her was a disaster, she was willing to face it.
She smoothly completed registration procedures and met her new roommate. Although this school wasn’t large, its student body was extremely diverse. Besides New York local students, there were international students from countries around the world, including many Asian faces and quite a few students from mainland China, Hong Kong, and Taiwan. Hearing Chinese conversation from around the corner, she couldn’t help but stop. A man and woman conversing there immediately greeted her. One was from Zhejiang, one from Fujian. Their faces were young, still carrying high school student innocence, yet couldn’t hide their excitement. Hearing she’d been in America for two years, they asked many questions, most of which she couldn’t answer. She could only apologetically admit that she’d lived in a quiet small city and, like them, had no concept of New York.
Her new roommate Linda was born locally and was one hundred percent a New Yorker. With her introduction, Zuo Si’an found a part-time job at a coffee shop near Wall Street, working around her class schedule.
This day, when Linda said an Asian man was waiting for her in the dorm lobby, she thought Gao Xiang had arrived early. She excitedly ran back to the dorm, but sitting there was a lean middle-aged man: Gao Xiang’s father, Gao Ming.
Gao Ming looked around: “If it’s convenient, shall we find a coffee shop to sit down and talk?”
Zuo Si’an couldn’t refuse. The two went out and found a coffee shop to sit down.
Gao Ming got straight to the point: “Si’an, you’re a smart girl. You must know why I’m here.”
“I know. You’ve come to persuade me not to be with Gao Xiang.”
“Gao Xiang doesn’t know I came to America. I originally didn’t plan to come. But if I didn’t come, the person who would come would be someone you’d be even less able to handle: Gao Xiang’s grandfather. He’s already 72 years old and has had cardiac bypass surgery. His health is terrible. Even though I know full well he’s cunning and calculating, using family affection and the IPO to trap Gao Xiang and manipulating me to be the one who destroys my son’s relationship, I still have to follow his arrangements. If it were you facing him, I think you’d be completely unable to refuse an elderly man who shows weakness to you and begs you to let go. If something happened to him, you and Gao Xiang would definitely carry that shadow and never escape the guilt.”
Zuo Si’an listened in a daze. She had also seen Chen Liguo that time she went to his house. She remembered he was a thin, frail old gentleman. She had to admit that, as Gao Ming said, if it were Chen Liguo who came over, she would probably immediately flee in panic. If something happened to him here… she didn’t dare think further. She said softly: “Thank you.”
“Si’an, you don’t need to thank me. I came with my own purpose, but please remember—no matter what, I have goodwill toward your father and toward you.”
“I know. I’m very sorry for causing problems in your marriage.”
“You don’t need to worry about that. Problems existed between Gao Xiang’s mother and me long ago.”
This unexpected candor made Zuo Si’an somewhat embarrassed. She could only lower her eyes and remain silent.
“Regarding why you can’t be with Gao Xiang, I believe your mother and Gao Xiang’s mother have already said a lot from different perspectives. A girl as thoughtful as you has certainly considered a lot. I just want to share my view on this matter.” Gao Ming took a sip of coffee. “I believe Gao Xiang loves you very much, even willing to give up a soon-to-be-listed family enterprise for you and come to New York empty-handed.”
Zuo Si’an didn’t want to reveal her emotions before a stranger, but her eyes still immediately moistened.
“But everything has another side. Valuing relationships as he does, of course he also can’t sever ties with his relatives.”
Zuo Si’an said softly: “I wouldn’t demand he cut off contact with his family.”
“You’re very reasonable, Si’an. Without the family’s financial support, Gao Xiang will go through a very difficult period in New York. I believe young people won’t see this as a problem. With his intelligence, surviving in America probably isn’t very difficult. But he’s been responsible for operating a company with sales exceeding two billion yuan and considerable annual profit growth since graduating from university. These past two years, he’s been planning the company’s future development with me and proposed very thoughtful plans. He’s always lived a very challenging life and derives pleasure from his work. Do you think a man who leaves a place where he can fully utilize his talents and spends years consuming his time on all kinds of basic survival efforts won’t come to doubt his choice?”
Zuo Si’an was stunned: “I have no concept of doing business. I can’t answer this question.”
“I can tell you from my own experience—he definitely will. When I was young, I also faced choices. Before I met Gao Xiang’s mother, I had a girlfriend. We were middle school classmates and had been together for five years with deep feelings. If both families hadn’t been so burdened, we should have married long ago. Suddenly, two choices were before me: one was to marry my girlfriend and bite the bullet through impoverished days; the other choice was Gao Xiang’s mother.”
Zuo Si’an stared at Gao Ming blankly. Gao Xiang was already 27 years old. She guessed he should be at least over 50, but he looked only about 40, still lean and refined, speaking elegantly. She could imagine his charisma when young.
“At that time, Chen Zihui was the only daughter of the county’s richest person—young, not bad looking, and favoring me. Most people would think I’d hit the jackpot. But I couldn’t bear to give up my girlfriend. Before age 25, I had never drunk coffee, never eaten seafood, never taken a plane, never even left the province. I completed university on scholarships and part-time work. After graduation, my monthly salary, after supporting the family, left little remaining. All communication with family revolved around money. That straitened state is hard for you to imagine. My girlfriend’s feelings for me were the only beautiful thing in my impoverished life, the only thing worth being grateful for.”
Gao Ming’s voice was calm, yet the emotion contained within moved Zuo Si’an.
“I declined the chairman’s—that is, Gao Xiang’s grandfather’s—proposal. He appeared magnanimous and told me to continue working hard, that there would still be promotion opportunities. By year’s end, I was indeed promoted and received a salary increase, but I was still an inconspicuous low-level employee at the company, still years away from middle management positions. My salary still barely supported the family. Can you guess what happened next?”
Zuo Si’an felt a huge sense of oppression inside: “So you still gave up your girlfriend?”
“No, I couldn’t make that decision. During that time, I was caught in inexplicable anger and anxiety, hating that I had to face such temptation. The person who took the initiative to let go was my girlfriend. She said she was willing to accept living a poor life with me, but couldn’t bear the thought that I was giving up an opportunity to change my fate for her. She didn’t want to face my regret and resentment in the future.”
Zuo Si’an thought, yes, if it were her, facing a hesitant and undecided boyfriend and a pessimistic future, she could probably only take the initiative to leave.
Gao Ming became slightly absorbed, then said: “I didn’t continue insisting. I even suddenly felt a trace of relief, because I understood she was right. Choosing Gao Xiang’s mother, I gained a lot. I can’t say I regret it. I have indeed thought more than once about what my life would have been like if I’d chosen the other path. But I’m not a romantic person. Even when things with my wife deteriorated to hostility, I knew clearly that if I could do it over, the final choice wouldn’t be any different. For this, I’ll always be grateful for the decision my girlfriend made.”
Zuo Si’an looked up at Gao Ming: “After saying all this, you probably hope I’ll be like your former girlfriend and take the initiative to give up Gao Xiang?”
Gao Ming smiled bitterly: “You really are a smart girl. You’ve seen right through my little despicable thoughts. Of course, this isn’t entirely the same as the situation you and Gao Xiang face. Gao Xiang is different from me. He was born into a wealthy family. No matter how much his grandfather and mother oppose his choice, they couldn’t sever relations with him or deprive him of everything. Actually, he has the right to spurn what he was born with and indulge himself in pursuing the relationship he’s determined on. But I’m his father, with only one son. I can’t help but think more for him. What I’m about to say is rather cruel. I hope you won’t mind.”
Zuo Si’an smiled bleakly: “No matter how cruel, I can only face it. Please go ahead.”
“Through fortunate circumstances, the Chen family seized opportunities during rapid economic development and achieved business success. I’ve already given 20 years to Qinggang Liquor Industry. In the future, this company will develop even more. Gao Xiang is my only son. The child he adopted is still young and physically weak. He naturally will inherit everything from the family. He’s always had career ambitions and completely has the ability to make significant achievements. But if he stubbornly insists on being with you, it means he can never return to China’s business world or appear publicly as the heir to Qinggang Liquor Industry. Otherwise, he’ll endlessly bear people’s comments about your identity. No one will care about your excellence, your character, or what makes you worthy of Gao Xiang’s love. They’ll only fixate on one point: you were raped by Gao Xiang’s uncle when very young and even gave birth to a child.”
Zuo Si’an’s face turned ghastly pale. Gao Ming called the waitress over to refill his coffee and let out a light sigh: “I’m sorry. Please forgive me for speaking so bluntly about this. I respect your parents and like you. I’m very sorry for what you experienced. If that relationship didn’t exist, I’d be very happy to see Gao Xiang with you. But—”
But—Zuo Si’an thought despairingly. Seemingly beautiful things inevitably have a “but” following them. The “but” between her and Gao Xiang came especially hard, irreversible, unchangeable, and immovable.
“Gao Xiang loves you and is determined to give up everything to come live in America for you. When young, one’s experience of emotions will certainly be more intense. I don’t doubt the firmness of his current determination, but let me tell you another realization from all these years: emotion as a thing simply can’t withstand erosion.”
Gao Ming’s voice remained low and gentle, yet Zuo Si’an felt her eardrums heavily struck. She stared at Gao Ming blankly, unable to speak.
“Once too many external factors intervene, it’s even more impossible to maintain the initial pure state. When your decision can permanently change someone’s fate, you must also bear the accompanying doubts and regrets. All of this requires very strong courage to shoulder. Not to mention you must constantly face an enemy: Gao Ming’s mother. I’ve lived with her for over 20 years and don’t intend to slander her. Her personality has very extreme, frightening aspects. At the same time, she’s also a very direct, self-centered person. She has stubborn pride and loyalty toward her family and loves her younger brother to an unreasonable, criminal degree. Regarding her brother’s death, you and I are both sinners to her, with no possibility of ever being forgiven.”
Zuo Si’an said with difficulty and clarity: “I don’t need her forgiveness at all.”
“Si’an, you’re really too young and naive. I understand this, but have you thought about it? That way you’re placing Gao Xiang in a very difficult position: he’ll be forever caught in the middle. On one side is you, on the other is his mother, his grandfather, and his son. That child—thinking about his father, I can’t even like him. But Gao Xiang loves him and cares for him like his own son. Are you willing to face him in your future life?”
These words were indeed said separately by Yu Jia and Chen Zihui, but spoken unhurriedly by Gao Ming, they carried a heavy oppressive force that made Zuo Si’an almost unable to breathe.
“What’s most praiseworthy about mustering courage to fight fate? It’s that you know almost certainly: you won’t win in the end. Sometimes when people in love are together, it’s not the best choice. Persisting to a dead end, waiting until feelings are completely eroded with no way back—that kind of harm is too great. Someone always has to let go first.”
He put down his coffee cup and gazed at Zuo Si’an: “Considering both your futures, I hope the person who lets go first is you.”
3
Zuo Si’an fell into deep pain and conflict. She’d always had a strong pessimistic premonition and wasn’t optimistic about their future. But when Gao Xiang pursued her from ten thousand miles away, she wanted to give him the initiative. As long as he didn’t give up, she would persist. If one day he gave up, she wouldn’t resent him.
However, now Gao Ming was asking her to make the choice his girlfriend had made years ago.
When Gao Xiang appeared in her dorm, she looked into his eyes, unable to force herself to speak those words. Gao Xiang was completely unaware of her struggle, only thinking she was angry that he’d delayed coming to America. He apologized repeatedly, took her out to eat, asked about her course schedule, and planned to arrange their limited time together more richly.
“Tomorrow I’m meeting with a friend—that postdoc I mentioned who studies biology. This person is very interesting, suddenly changing careers to investment. He works near the World Trade Center. We’ve arranged to meet there, then go to Wall Street to look at a project he’s following.”
“Mm.”
“You seem preoccupied.”
“No, you mentioned Wall Street? The coffee shop where I work is also near there. Tomorrow morning I don’t have class. I’ll work there for four hours.”
“Good. After finishing business, I’ll bring my friend to your place for coffee.”
“Remember to tip generously.”
He laughed heartily: “My whole being belongs to you, yet you’re asking me for tips. How about I give you my wallet right now?”
Her heart felt as if cut by a thin sharp blade, creating wounds only she knew about. She could no longer pretend a happy expression. Her smile collapsed. She looked at him tearfully. He felt sad for her and reached out to touch her hair: “Sigh, seeing you like this really makes me worried.”
She suddenly grasped his hand: “Let’s go to a hotel and get a room.”
He looked at her somewhat startled. From the moment he saw her, he’d had this thought, but didn’t believe he’d hear her openly say these words. Yet she was extremely certain: “I want to be with you.”
Gao Xiang took Zuo Si’an to a nearby hotel and opened a room. After entering, she immediately hugged him tightly. He was very happy she’d cast off the coldness from their first meeting. He kissed her deeply while undressing her. Having missed her for so long, how could he control his excitement? He pushed her onto the bed, kissing her passionately all the way down. She responded, more proactive than in the past, yet at the moment of entry, he finally noticed the heavy sorrow in her eyes.
He propped himself up with both hands, looking down at her. She turned her head to the side, unwilling to meet his gaze.
“Did I hurt you?”
She shook her head, but he still stopped: “Xiao An, this only has meaning when both people are happy. I don’t need you to force yourself to please me when you’re clearly unhappy.”
Her tears flowed at once. She thought despairingly that after half a year apart, facing a passionate man, forget faking an orgasm—she didn’t even have the ability to force herself to please him.
“Tell me, what happened?”
She could only keep shaking her head, unable to speak. He held her, using his fingers to wipe away her tears: “I know you’ll be lonely alone in New York. I’ll finish the IPO work as quickly as possible and try to come over earlier.”
She didn’t want to discuss this topic anymore. She said softly: “Hold me tight.”
He held her tightly as requested. She pressed against him, every inch of skin touching, leaving not a bit of space, as if only this way could comfort the hunger and helplessness born of love.
Outside the window was Manhattan, the so-called city of desire at the height of prosperity. Buildings stood like forests, the mortal world vast. People of different ethnicities and skin colors from around the world came and went hurriedly. Yet this small hotel room, this single bed, was their ark, at least for now carrying their intimate interdependence.
Zuo Si’an made her decision: she could stake her own everything against fate, but she absolutely wouldn’t stake Gao Xiang’s fate.
She just didn’t know how she should calmly speak a resolute breakup. She thought, she’d consider this problem tomorrow. She wanted to enjoy this final embrace, unwilling to waste even a minute.
4
The next day was September 11, 2001. This day of clear weather, seemingly ordinary, later became New York’s painful memory.
Zuo Si’an walked to the coffee shop for work. The early autumn sunlight shone brightly on her. She walked with her head lowered, heavy-hearted. Suddenly, a thunderous roar came. The pedestrians ahead stopped walking. Unable to stop in time, she bumped into someone and hurriedly apologized, but that person seemed oblivious, looking at the sky and shouting: “Oh God, look!”
Beside her, various screams kept sounding: “Plane!” “Look!”
She followed everyone’s line of sight and saw a plane crash into the North Tower of the World Trade Center, trailing a long black smoke trajectory. She couldn’t believe what her eyes were seeing. Instinctively, she raised her hand to cover her mouth, blocking a cry of alarm.
Yet she couldn’t have seen wrong.
On a day of clear weather, from any angle in New York, just by looking up, one could almost always see the World Trade Center Twin Towers standing 412 meters tall with 110 floors, especially since she’d already walked close to Wall Street, separated from the World Trade Center by just one street.
Everyone on the street was stunned, staring blankly in the same direction: the North Tower of the World Trade Center Twin Towers had been torn open with a huge gash, fierce fire burning, simultaneously belching rolling black smoke.
Zuo Si’an looked around in confusion. Every face showed fear and shock. She didn’t know how long she stood there dazed before suddenly waking from the dream and running toward the World Trade Center direction.
The street was already in chaos. All cars had stopped. People got out of their cars, simultaneously watching toward the World Trade Center. Some screamed, some cried, some like Zuo Si’an ran in that direction, while others ran in the opposite direction.
The closer she ran, the nearer she got to the World Trade Center. Evacuating crowds were surging out. Sirens around had already merged into one continuous wail. She looked around, unable to remember whether yesterday Gao Xiang had said exactly where near the World Trade Center he was meeting his friend.
She was about to look for a phone when another huge roar came, even closer. Her ears were almost deafened.
She looked up and saw another plane crash into the South Tower of the World Trade Center.
She stood frozen like stone, head raised watching this scene. White dust like heavy snow fell densely, covering the sky and earth. This scene was horrifying to the point of magical unreality.
Someone suddenly yelled at her: “Get away from here quickly!”
She turned back and saw the speaker was a tall policeman, already covered with a thick layer of white ash, red-eyed and waving his hand, hoarsely calling to people to evacuate in one direction. Yet the panicked crowd had already become blind, running in all directions. Zuo Si’an was nearly knocked off her feet by their momentum, involuntarily carried along. Gravel and broken glass fell like urgent rain. A middle-aged woman running ahead of her suddenly stopped, covering her head. Blood gushed through the gaps between her fingers. Zuo Si’an hurried to support her. Another man also stopped to help. Supporting her on both sides, the woman couldn’t stand and cried out loudly: “Oh God, God, I must be having a nightmare!”
Zuo Si’an also suspected she was trapped in an unprecedented nightmare.
She turned back. The white dust filling the sky had already turned black, falling overwhelmingly. The tall World Trade Center South and North Towers had both been torn open, fire burning fiercely. The taste of smoke in the air was suffocating. Everywhere were cries and screams.
This of course wasn’t a dream. The scene before her was a thousand times more terrifying than any nightmare she’d ever had.
She suddenly remembered Gao Xiang. She apologetically said to that man: “Please take her to see a doctor. I need to find my boyfriend. He’s still nearby.”
The man nodded, steadied the woman, and said concisely: “Go. Be careful.”
Zuo Si’an again moved against the crowd but wasn’t clear where to go. At this time, fire trucks successively arrived, beginning to pull up warning lines and barriers. Everyone was covered with a thick layer of black dust, faces indistinguishable, breathing difficult.
She could only wander aimlessly outside the barriers, trying to see a familiar face through the ash cover. Yet every face was blurred, sharing only one thing in common: written with terror. She couldn’t control her heavy gasping, inhaling more dust, choking in a fit of coughing, nearly approaching suffocation.
She collapsed exhausted, relieved that she clearly remembered Gao Xiang at least said the place he was going was near the World Trade Center, not inside the Twin Towers.
At this moment, the South Tower began to collapse. The massive building of refined steel and concrete began disintegrating at an incomprehensible speed. Dust, paper flew everywhere, heat rose. The ground beneath their feet trembled. Ears filled with eerie howling sounds.
Some unknown passerby pulled her. She followed him in a daze. She didn’t know how long she walked. When she turned back again, the North Tower also began to collapse.
She stood exhausted, watching this hellish scene with her own eyes. A thought flashed through her mind: this scene, like the apocalypse arriving. The next thing to overturn might be the entire world, and they would never be able to find each other again.
At this time, a young man beside Zuo Si’an stopped walking and painfully fell to the ground. She hurriedly rushed forward to help him up. She saw him covered in sweat, the ash on his face washed into streaks. His lips opened and closed with difficulty, saying intermittently: “I have… allergic asthma. I can’t find… my… inhaler. Please…”
He clutched her hand tightly, unable to say more. She gathered her strength and lifted him up at once, simultaneously calling loudly for help. Finally someone came over: “This way, there’s an ambulance this way, quick!”
She and that person dragged the asthmatic man, desperately running toward the ambulance he’d mentioned. After running seven or eight minutes, they finally saw a temporary street aid station. Emergency personnel came over to take over, laying the man flat on the ground for emergency treatment. Zuo Si’an collapsed to the ground, unable to stand up again.
A medical worker crouched down and asked her: “Are you injured?”
She panted, coughing violently again. That person handed her a mask and said hurriedly: “Just put it on and rest a bit. When you’ve recovered, please help us.”
Zuo Si’an put on the mask as requested. After recovering slightly, she began to stand up and help them. Besides medical personnel from various hospitals, there were already many civilians voluntarily participating in rescue. They passed stretchers, pushed aside crashed cars, cleared emergency passages, and together with firefighters and police helped evacuate wave after wave of injured, directing people to evacuate to safe areas.
She joined in, working almost mechanically. At this time, the World Trade Center had become a sea of fire. Finally, volunteers also began to be persuaded to withdraw. The scene was completely handed over to firefighters and police.
Zuo Si’an left the medical rescue point. Her brain was approaching a blank state, without any formed thoughts. She walked unsteadily. Over an hour later, she found she’d actually circled back to the school.
At this time, all students on campus were watching television news together. President Bush, with a grave expression, announced that America had suffered a terrorist attack. Everyone was silent, still trapped in shock and fear, unable to break free.
Someone noticed her: “My God, were you at the scene?”
Classmates gathered around. She knew she must look terrible. She only vaguely nodded and hurriedly returned to her room. Linda hadn’t come back yet. She picked up the phone and dialed Gao Xiang’s mobile. She couldn’t get through. After standing dazed for a while, she walked into the bathroom. In the mirror was a completely unrecognizable blackened face. As soon as she moved her head slightly, broken glass and dust stuck in her hair rustled to the floor, making light crisp sounds.
Her whole body trembled uncontrollably. She curled into a ball. Yet she immediately pulled herself together, controlled herself, hurriedly showered. Small wounds of unknown origin covered her body. Under the water’s washing, they hurt fiercely. She didn’t bother treating them, changed clothes and came out, deciding to go to the apartment near Central Park where Gao Xiang had previously rented.
All Manhattan subways, bridges, and tunnels were already closed. It was also impossible to hail a taxi. Zuo Si’an could only walk there.
New York that day was unusually quiet. Pedestrians all looked fearful and anxious, walking hurriedly. The once clamorous, restless city seemed to have forcibly stopped operating. Without turning back, Zuo Si’an knew the World Trade Center direction was still emitting thick smoke. She walked along Broadway and Seventh Avenue toward Central Park. She’d long since exhausted her physical strength. Her whole body was numb. Her feet seemed no longer her own. When she reached the apartment, it was already dusk. She sat down in the coffee shop across from that apartment building, ordered a cup of coffee, and kept watching out the window.
Two hours later, the server apologetically came over and told her the shop was closing. They needed to go home to be with their families.
She paid and came out, mustering courage to walk to the apartment across the street. She asked the apartment manager whether an Asian family lived here: a middle-aged woman, a young man, and a four or five-year-old boy. The manager shook his head: “I have an impression of the family you described, but they moved out half a year ago.”
She thought, he didn’t plan to stay long this time and probably found a hotel. She could only drag her feet slowly walking back to the school dorm. Linda told her: “Your boyfriend was here waiting for you. He just left not long ago. He asked you to call him when you get back.”
Only then did she finally relax. She didn’t make the call but collapsed on her bed.
It was time for this to end—she said to herself in her heart.
5
Early the next morning, Gao Xiang came over again, looking anxious. He hugged Zuo Si’an tightly. Zuo Si’an stood woodenly. After a moment, she gently broke free from his embrace.
“Yesterday when the World Trade Center was suddenly hit, I immediately rushed to the coffee shop to find you. They said you didn’t come to work. My mother was with the child. After seeing the news, she was very frightened and kept calling me. I had to rush back to the hotel to comfort them. Later I came to school to find you, but you hadn’t returned. Where did you go?”
Zuo Si’an didn’t answer this question: “I’m sorry, Gao Xiang. I’ve already packed my luggage and am preparing to leave New York for Portland.”
Gao Xiang looked at her in shock: “Why?”
“I don’t want to continue staying in this city. I’m not interested in studying accounting. Most importantly, I’m tired of being ranked after your family. I don’t want to hear you mention your mother and your son anymore. Let’s break up and not see each other again.”
“Xiao An, I understand you’ve been frightened. I’m very sorry I wasn’t by your side. You need to relax. Once I arrange for my mother to take the child back to China after finishing the checkup, I’ll definitely spend good time with you for a while.”
Zuo Si’an wasn’t good at saying harsh words. Facing Gao Xiang, she even more couldn’t be decisive. Yet she’d already made her decision and didn’t want to leave even a bit of retreat. She looked into Gao Xiang’s eyes and said calmly: “I don’t need more time, Gao Xiang. I admit I have feelings for you, but being with you doesn’t make me happy. Every time I see you, I think of certain things I’d rather forget forever. If this continues, I’ll never be able to find release.”
Gao Xiang’s expression had already turned to disbelief: “Xiao An, what are you saying?”
“Do you need me to be more explicit? Fine. You and your family constantly remind me of the harm and humiliation I experienced. I depend on you only out of cowardice, trapped in the circle I’ve drawn for myself, refusing to grow, escaping reality. This way I don’t have to go out into the world.”
“This whole speech is what your mother told you, right?”
Zuo Si’an said expressionlessly: “She has indeed always criticized me for not being mature enough. But in your eyes, haven’t I also always been someone who hasn’t grown up, has no thoughts of her own, and should just obediently wait for you to finish what you need to do before sparing time to pity and care for me?”
Gao Xiang felt stung and simultaneously confused. He said gently: “Xiao An, how can I make you understand—I love you. Otherwise I wouldn’t need to spend so long, make such a great decision to fight to be with you.”
“You just like little girls who haven’t grown up.”
As soon as these words came out, Gao Xiang froze. Zuo Si’an clearly saw anger rise in his eyes. She knew this calm statement was more cutting than any words and struck at the heart.
Sure enough, Gao Xiang became furious: “What did you say?”
Zuo Si’an maintained her calm, standing before him, not answering, even less evading.
Gao Xiang struggled to control his emotions and said word by word: “Zuo Si’an, if you’ve always viewed me this way, then the feelings between us are truly laughable.”
Her heart felt like it was being squeezed hard by a hand. The pain reached a point where only numbness remained. She maintained her expressionless face: “Laughable or pitiful, it should end.”
Zuo Si’an ignored Gao Xiang, picked up her travel bag, and walked out of the dorm. Gao Xiang caught up and grabbed her arm: “You can’t leave. We must talk properly.”
“There’s no need. Please let me go. Otherwise I’ll call the police. At a time like this, better not to add trouble for the police.”
Gao Xiang looked at her and slowly released her: “I hope you’re clear about what you’re doing.”
At this moment, the anger in his eyes had extinguished, filled instead with pain. This was even more unbearable for her. She avoided his gaze, hurriedly hailed a taxi, and headed straight for the bus station in Chinatown.
New York’s Chinatown was very close to the World Trade Center. Looking back, where the Twin Towers once stood, a gap remained in the skyline that was impossible to believe.
In her heart was also a gap that could never be filled.
All the passengers had wooden expressions. She joined that line, mechanically queuing, boarding the long-distance bus returning to Boston.
New York was left behind her.
Two towers reduced to dust and smoke, thousands of lives lost, countless people weeping for lost loved ones. This city still stood, only it could never be the same as before.
So-called overwhelming disaster brought only deep calamity, unable to fulfill their feelings. Compared to the tragic disaster caused by the terrorist attack, their pain seemed small and insignificant.
Yet it was so hard to forget.
She remembered what Gao Ming had said: Emotion as a thing simply can’t withstand erosion.
May he be able to quickly forget.
Zuo Si’an thought silently. As for herself, she would let time slowly erode her feelings for him, along with all the memories in her heart she wanted to forget.