1

In a half-awake, half-asleep state, Zuo Si’an heard knocking at the door suddenly ring out. Her whole body jerked, and she sat up, shrinking into the corner of the bed against the wall.

Her mother Yu Jia had long since removed the doorbell battery. She could distinguish the knocking patterns of people who could freely enter and exit their home. This knocking rhythm was unfamiliar—neither too light nor too heavy, neither too fast nor too slow, clearly different from yesterday’s impatient pounding. But obviously, the visitor was equally determined to get their tightly closed door to open.

She didn’t know who the visitor was, but she could imagine the neighboring family quietly opening the small window on their security door to peer curiously at her family’s guest.

She feared strangers knocking at the door, and even more feared the resulting low-voiced quarrels between her parents like last night. The content of their arguments had repeated itself over and over since the day they learned of her pregnancy, mostly beginning with “if,” back and forth like a tug-of-war, one sentence following another, as if whoever failed to respond would be the one responsible for her current situation:

If you had listened to me and let her board at the provincial capital school instead of bringing her to Qinggang to study…

If you, as her mother, had cared more about your daughter and told her about physiological knowledge earlier…

If you hadn’t spoiled her so excessively, leaving her without any adaptability or initiative…

If you had been close enough to her, daughters would naturally tell their mothers about such things first…

If you hadn’t been busy going to the countryside for work inspections, leaving her alone at home…

If during summer vacation you hadn’t been busy with your research project and had taken her back with you…

If you hadn’t made such a big fuss filing a police report, we wouldn’t be in such a passive position…

Last night’s quarrel came especially prolonged and intense. They both tacitly avoided mentioning her name, mutually accusing each other of being unqualified parents. Her mother spoke more forcefully, while her father only retaliated with a sentence after a long while.

She could only cover her head with the quilt, shrink into the corner trembling, crying until she unknowingly fell asleep. When she woke at midnight, the room had already quieted down. She quietly got out of bed and walked to the living room, discovering that her father hadn’t gone into the bedroom to sleep but was huddled on the sofa with a quilt. She stood there, not daring to make any sound. After who knows how long, when her father struggled to turn over on the sofa, she finally returned to her own room and lay back down.

Yu Jia walked into the bedroom, her brow involuntarily furrowing. Zuo Si’an knew her mother didn’t like seeing her in this cowering state, but she had no way to disguise her inner fear anymore. Yu Jia said in a gentle voice, “Don’t be afraid. I’ll go see who it is.”

Their home was a three-bedroom apartment on the third floor of dormitory housing arranged by the Qinggang County government. The walls were thin. Sitting in her own bedroom, she could clearly hear her mother open the door and ask coldly, “What is it?”

A young man’s voice answered, “Teacher Yu, hello. My name is Gao Xiang. I am…”

Yu Jia unceremoniously cut him off. “I know who you are. I saw you at the Public Security Bureau. Your mother already came yesterday to make a scene. I have nothing to say to any of you. Please leave.”

However, the person didn’t leave. “Teacher Yu, please give me a few minutes. If you think my proposal is unreasonable, I guarantee that neither I nor my family will disturb you again.”

Zuo Si’an knew the neighbors must still be watching, waiting for the dramatic conflict that occurred during this person’s mother’s visit yesterday to happen again. And Yu Jia obviously knew this too. She compromised, letting him in and closing the door, but didn’t invite him to sit.

“You look like a civilized person, so let’s resolve this issue in a civilized manner. I know you’re merely planning to make that same request again with a more polite attitude than your mother. I won’t agree. I let you in only because I don’t want the neighbors to continue watching the show. Please don’t come to harass us again.”

“But your daughter…”

His speech was interrupted. Zuo Si’an could imagine her mother had stopped him with a gesture, while also listening for any movement from her in the room. Since the incident, her perceptive abilities seemed much stronger than before. Many scenes, other people’s expressions, even momentary glances—she didn’t need to see them to know clearly. She didn’t welcome this sensitivity that intensified her pain. She only wanted to curl her body up tighter, but her abdomen hindered her efforts. The only thing she could do was hug her knees tighter, as if this could lock away part of herself, creating a few more barriers of defense.

Yu Jia’s voice dropped even lower, but was still clearly audible: “My daughter is not your family’s concern. Nor will I discuss her future prospects with your family.”

At this moment, more knocking came, along with someone calling, “Auntie Yu, it’s us.”

Zuo Si’an knew it was her classmate Liu Guanchao and his mother Wang Yujiao. Yu Jia opened the door to let them in. Liu Guanchao said in a voice just entering the voice-changing period, “Auntie Yu, here’s the shampoo, conditioner, and laundry detergent you asked me to buy, and here’s the change.”

“Xiao Chao, thank you.”

Wang Yujiao said, “Teacher Yu, I slowly simmered this pot of yam and pork rib soup on a coal stove at home. While it’s hot, pour Xiao An a bowl.”

“Thank you, Sister Wang. She only ate a little at noon and then wouldn’t touch her chopsticks again.”

“Then I’ll go to the kitchen first to wash rice and pick vegetables, and get the rice cooking. Xiao Chao, you go do homework with Xiao An.”

“Mm, Auntie Yu, I brought the homework the teacher assigned today. I can tell Xiao An about the new lessons.”

“Good, thank you, Xiao Chao.” Yu Jia called out, “Xiao An, Xiao Chao is here.”

Liu Guanchao was a thin, small boy wearing an old but clean school uniform and carrying a shabby backpack. He came from a small village in Qinggang County called Liu Wan. After entering Qinggang Middle School with excellent grades, his parents supported him by moving the whole family—him and his older sister—into Qinggang county town, making a living selling vegetables. Zuo Xuejun met the Liu couple when buying vegetables. In conversation, he discovered that their son Liu Guanchao happened to be Zuo Si’an’s classmate. He was busy with work and occasionally had to go to the provincial capital for meetings, inspect work in rural areas under Qinggang, or travel on business—trips lasting anywhere from two or three days to a week. So he arranged with the Liu family for Wang Yujiao to come over daily to clean and cook one dinner. When he was away, Liu Guanchao would come up to do homework with her, and Wang Yujiao would stay overnight with Zuo Si’an. This arrangement relieved him of many worries, and when Yu Jia learned about it, she also felt much more at ease.

After more than a year as classmates, Liu Guanchao had become a very good friend of Zuo Si’an’s. He was also the only outsider who could enter her room after the incident.

He opened his backpack to take out his notebook. Just as he was about to speak, Zuo Si’an shook her head at him, signaling him to be quiet. The conversation outside continued.

“You see now. My daughter can’t go to school, can’t go out on the street. Shut up at home, there are still neighbors gossiping and inquiring. Going to the hospital for one treatment or checkup brings her close to collapse. Our home is in the provincial capital, but… I can’t leave my daughter now to go back to work, and I can’t take her back either. I’m afraid if this matter spreads to the provincial capital, she’ll also be pointed at and gossiped about there, unable to establish herself. She keeps herself shut in a nine-square-meter bedroom all day. Besides this classmate of hers, she refuses to see anyone. I have to watch over my daughter and can’t go anywhere either, can’t even go out to buy daily necessities. This apartment is now a prison for me and my daughter. What else do you want to discuss with me?”

The visitor didn’t answer. Liu Guanchao asked in a near-whisper, “Who is he?”

Zuo Si’an shook her head without answering.

Yu Jia continued, “Your mother came to our door and threatened in front of my daughter to destroy my husband. But on the day he learned about this, he was already destroyed as a person. He loves his daughter. He experienced a blow you can’t imagine. Otherwise, such a gentle person would never have gone crazy boarding the police car to personally chase down that beast. What kind of people are you, actually coming to make such a request. If I use my daughter as a bargaining chip to exchange for your not reporting him, he will never forgive me.”

The person finally spoke, his voice steady and sincere: “Teacher Yu, I’m not here to make demands, much less to threaten anyone. I just want to discuss with you calmly to find a solution that’s good for everyone.”

“Your mother also kept saying she wanted to help us solve the problem. I drove her out and almost hit her. I never thought in my life I’d have a day when I’d argue hysterically with someone like a shrew. Discuss calmly? Do you think it’s possible for me to remain calm?”

“I apologize for my mother on her behalf, Teacher Yu. I don’t agree with what she did. But your daughter is already six months pregnant. If she has an induced abortion…”

Liu Guanchao happened to be visiting yesterday when Chen Zihui came and heard similar conversation. His face immediately flushed red. “I’ll go drive him away.”

Zuo Si’an suddenly got out of bed, opened the bedroom door and walked out. Liu Guanchao nervously followed behind her. Yu Jia said in shock, “Xiao An, what are you coming out for?”

Zuo Si’an looked directly at them. “Mom, just do as they say.”

“Xiao An, you’re talking nonsense.”

“The woman who came yesterday said if we don’t agree, she’ll keep reporting Dad.”

“I already said, ignore her…”

She interrupted Yu Jia: “She won’t give up, will she? That day at the hospital I heard Sister Yaqin say that induced abortion is almost the same as giving birth. If the fetus after induced abortion is alive, they still have to give an injection to kill it.”

Yu Jia was both angry and heartbroken. Before she could speak, Wang Yujiao had already run out from the kitchen, saying in a fluster, “That dead girl Yaqin, so tactless—how could she tell you such terrible things? I’ll beat her when I get back. Xiao An, don’t listen to her. She just started as a practice nurse at the county hospital a few months ago. She doesn’t understand anything.”

Zuo Si’an didn’t respond and continued speaking on her own: “I don’t want them to keep troubling Dad. It’s already like this anyway. If they want it, just give it to them.”

She didn’t look at anyone. Her voice was flat, clear, and without any emotional coloring. Yu Jia stared at her blankly: “No, your father won’t agree. You don’t need to worry about these things. At worst, I’ll take you back to the provincial capital for induced abortion…”

“I’m not going back, and I won’t have induced abortion. Send me to a place where no one knows me, settle this matter, and then we’ll go home.”

“How can that work? I can’t take any more leave.”

“You go back to work. I don’t need you to accompany me.”

After Zuo Si’an finished speaking, she returned to the bedroom. Liu Guanchao followed her in and stood there dumbly, completely at a loss.

At this time, the man’s voice outside rang out again: “Teacher Yu, please reconsider.”

“What is there for me to consider? You frighten a child like this, using her love for her father to coerce her. It’s truly despicable.”

“I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry about this. No matter what your final decision is, I will do my best from now on to prevent my mother from coming to your home again.”

“But you won’t prevent her from reporting my husband, will you?”

“I’m sorry. My mother deeply loves her younger brother…”

Yu Jia coldly interrupted him: “Don’t mention that person in my home.”

“I’m sorry.” The person apologized again, his voice sincere. “My mother is very stubborn. Both my father and I disagree with what she’s doing, but I’m afraid neither of us can stop her. The reason I came is just to try to minimize the harm as much as possible.”

“At this point, what can be minimized?” Yu Jia’s voice grew weaker, without the anger from before. It didn’t sound like a retort or an argument, but more like bewildered talking to herself.

“Teacher Yu, I know you also have work. My family can take responsibility for caring for your daughter.”

“Don’t even think about it. I absolutely won’t hand my daughter over to your family, and I absolutely won’t allow your mother to come within half a step of my daughter.”

The person said somewhat awkwardly, “That was just a suggestion. We can discuss and find a handling method you can accept.”

Wang Yujiao suddenly interjected, “Teacher Yu, having Xiao An shut up at home like this every day isn’t a solution. Besides, you still have to go to work.”

“Yes, my work unit called me again today, urging me to go back to work.” Just as Liu Guanchao was Zuo Si’an’s only friend during this period, Wang Yujiao from the countryside, who only attended school through fourth grade, was also the only person the highly educated PhD Yu Jia could currently discuss her daughter’s predicament with. In her anxiety, she momentarily forgot about the other guest’s presence and murmured, “I also know dragging this out isn’t good for Xiao An. The county hospital doctors don’t dare take responsibility and have been reluctant to do the surgery, suggesting we go to a better higher-level hospital for induced abortion. Of course I can’t take her back to the provincial capital for such a surgery, but where else can I send her? When I mention it to her father, he turns and walks away, won’t discuss it with me at all. What can I do?”

“Teacher Yu, there’s something I don’t know whether I should say or not.”

Yu Jia was somewhat surprised but still said, “Sister Wang, at this point, what shouldn’t be said?”

“Aborting at six months is really sinful. It’s also hard on Xiao An’s body—there’s almost no difference from giving birth.”

“She’s still so young. How can I let her go through… Absolutely not.”

“But I can see Xiao An is very determined. If County Magistrate Zuo is dragged down by this matter, it would be too unjust. If you trust me, you can send Xiao An to my hometown Liu Wan. Quietly have her give birth to the child and give it to the Chen family. Settle this matter—it won’t affect her future.”

“How can that work?”

Yu Jia was naturally shocked, and Liu Guanchao in the bedroom was also astonished, muttering quietly, “What is my mom saying?”

However, Zuo Si’an’s expression showed no change. She still stared straight ahead. Wang Yujiao outside explained very fluently, “Liu Wan is very remote. There aren’t many people in the village. Girls marry and have children very early. My eldest brother and nephew are both working away from home and only come back for Spring Festival. At home, there’s only my sister-in-law living with my niece. The whole village is just old people, women, and children. If Xiao An goes there, she won’t attract attention. Moreover, my sister-in-law is a doctor. As long as I entrust her, she’ll definitely take good care of Xiao An.”

Liu Guanchao murmured, “That’s actually true. My eldest aunt is a famous doctor in our area.”

Zuo Si’an’s thoughts involuntarily drifted away, as if what they were discussing wasn’t arrangements concerning her, but something that had nothing to do with her.

“Your sister-in-law…” Yu Jia obviously found it incredible that a small village had a doctor, but didn’t know how to ask about it.

“Sister-in-law was originally a sent-down youth from a big city. When she was sent down to our brigade, she married my eldest brother-in-law and stayed without returning to the city. She was already educated. Later she was selected to go study at a medical college in the city. People from several nearby villages who get sick all go to her. She’s very famous in the surrounding townships. She’s delivered babies for many people—Xiao Chao was delivered by her own hands. Besides, Liu Wan isn’t too far from town, and the town also has a health clinic.”

“No, I can’t do this.”

The man said, “Teacher Yu, please reconsider. Here’s my phone number. If you have any thoughts, you can contact me. I will fully respect your and your daughter’s wishes in this matter.”

Yu Jia was clearly unsettled, her tone obviously showing hesitation and softening. “You should leave first.”

As the front door closed, the outside suddenly became quiet. Liu Guanchao looked at Zuo Si’an uneasily. “Xiao An, what are you thinking?”

Zuo Si’an answered woodenly, “Nothing.”

“Will your mom really send you to Liu Wan?”

“Maybe. She’s been getting calls from her work unit these past few days asking when she’ll go back to work. A research project she’s in charge of can’t do without her. My dad… you saw too—he either comes back very late or doesn’t come back at all.”

“Actually Liu Wan is quite nice. The small pond in front of the village has very clear water, and the osmanthus flowers smell wonderful when they bloom. My eldest aunt is especially easygoing and capable, and educated too. And there’s my cousin—her name is Jingjing, she’s also very well-behaved. But,” Liu Guanchao didn’t quite know what he wanted to say anymore. After holding it in for a while, he said, “But I don’t think you should go there.”

Zuo Si’an was silent for a long while. “It doesn’t matter where I go. I just want them to stop making things difficult for my dad.”

2

Gao Xiang went downstairs and walked to his car. Just as he opened the car door, Wang Yujiao chased after him from behind.

“Please wait a moment.”

He turned to look at her. As soon as she entered earlier, he immediately recognized her as the middle-aged woman who had taken hush money from his mother at his home at the beginning of the Chen Ziyu case, bringing her daughter along. When Wang Yujiao saw him, she also showed an uncomfortable expression and quickly averted her gaze. He heard that her daughter Yaqin was interning at the county hospital and realized it was very likely that this girl had reported Zuo Si’an’s news to Chen Zihui. Wang Yujiao suddenly proposed taking Zuo Si’an to her hometown to care for her, and Yu Jia also showed signs of being swayed. He became suspicious but restrained himself from showing it.

Wang Yujiao said hurriedly, “Please don’t tell County Magistrate Zuo and Teacher Yu about that matter.”

“I have nothing to say, but I can tell they trust you and your son as friends. You decide for yourself whether you should be hiding anything from them.”

Wang Yujiao looked at him nervously. “I haven’t hidden anything else, just didn’t tell them that my daughter was also… That day your mother suddenly came to find her, and I only then learned about it. Xiao Qin is already almost eighteen this year. Her father has a quick temper and has always been much stricter with his daughter than with his son. If he finds out, he’ll beat her to death. I didn’t dare mention it to him at all—I could only secretly press Xiao Qin to tell me. She said she was in a relationship. What could I do? Your mother forced the money on me—I never asked for it. I only beg that this matter not be spread around. If I also report him for rape, my daughter’s reputation will be ruined. She’ll never be able to marry for the rest of her life. We won’t be able to establish ourselves in Qinggang, and Xiao Chao won’t be able to continue school either. Xiao An can still go back to the provincial capital with her parents later, but besides going back to our hometown Liu Wan, where else can we go? In that case, Xiao Chao would have no future at all. County Magistrate Zuo and Teacher Yu’s family are all good people. I really want to help them get through this crisis, which is why I thought of taking Xiao An to Liu Wan and having my sister-in-law help take care of her for a while.”

Her words sounded very earnest, but her eyes occasionally flickered. Gao Xiang didn’t entirely believe what she said. However, thinking of Chen Ziyu, he had no heart to investigate his mother’s role in this matter. He could only nod. “That’s for the best. I’ll leave first.”

Gao Xiang started the car and drove away, feeling inexplicably irritated.

He of course understood that the matter his mother had entrusted him to handle was neither emotionally nor rationally appropriate. The reason he yielded was that after repeated discussions with his father, he was unwilling to let Chen Zihui really blow this matter up to an unmanageable degree. But he never expected that as soon as he started talking with Yu Jia, it would become untenable. Yu Jia’s accusations left him speechless. Even he himself couldn’t be convinced by his excuses. Seeing the deep sorrow in Yu Jia’s eyes, he understood that no matter how carefully and tactfully he tried, once he hardened his resolve and opened his mouth, it was actually just as cruel as his mother’s door-to-door threats.

Zuo Si’an unexpectedly walking out shocked him even more.

This was the first time he’d seen this girl. The impact he received was even greater than hearing that Chen Ziyu had committed rape.

She wasn’t tall. Her hair was messily tied in a ponytail. Her face was pale, her neck thin and long, her chin so thin it was pointed. Her slightly curved eyes were dull and lifeless with dark circles underneath. She wore a loose, oversized school uniform. Except for her abdomen seeming slightly protruding, standing before him was clearly just an ordinary adolescent girl who hadn’t yet developed. Her face carried childishness, and from her figure to her appearance, she couldn’t arouse even the slightest inappropriate thought in a normal adult man.

Guilt. He thought only this word could describe the strong, persistent unease he felt after seeing Zuo Si’an.

A day later, Yu Jia called the number Gao Xiang had left her. Her voice was hoarse and full of bitterness. “Please come over.”

When he went to the Zuo home again, Zuo Xuejun still wasn’t home. The door to Zuo Si’an’s bedroom was still tightly closed. Yu Jia looked somewhat haggard: “You’ve won. My husband was called in yesterday by Secretary Hu for a talk. Tomorrow he has to rush to the provincial capital to report on the situation and accept investigation. My daughter has refused to eat for a day and night straight, forcing me to agree to you.”

Gao Xiang quickly said, “I’ve already had my mother write a statement of the situation and submit it to the county government, promising never to bring this matter up again. If necessary, she can accept investigation and testify, withdrawing all her questions about County Magistrate Zuo.”

Yu Jia’s expression didn’t soften in the slightest, but she seemed to have no energy left to be angry. Her expression was cold as she said, “Let’s talk about the details. Please note—this is not a discussion. There’s no room for discussion.”

She spoke very concisely: Send Zuo Si’an to Liu Wan to stay at Wang Yujiao’s eldest brother’s home, have her sister-in-law Mei Yi care for her until delivery. When Zuo Si’an’s pregnancy reaches nine full months, perform a cesarean section. Gao Xiang must move to Liu Wan half a month in advance to ensure that if any unexpected situation occurs, he can immediately drive Zuo Si’an to the county hospital. No other Chen family members are permitted to go disturb her. After the child is born, they can take it directly and need not contact them again.

As Gao Xiang expected, Yu Jia flatly refused the material compensation terms he carefully proposed.

Gao Xiang returned home to relay this to his parents. Gao Ming disagreed one hundred percent, but Chen Zihui showed a smile for the first time during this period. “I knew you could gain their trust. See, you convinced them after all, and won such favorable terms for us.”

This praise left Gao Xiang feeling uncomfortable, and Gao Ming was even more annoyed as he questioned his wife: “What right do you have to drag our son into this matter?”

“Why are you always arguing with me now over every little thing? I want this child—that’s decided. If Xiao Xiang doesn’t go, I have other ways to make them compromise. It’s not like I’m asking Xiao Xiang to deliver the baby or take care of the child. He only needs to stay in that village for half a month or so, and the problem will be solved. What’s wrong with that?”

Gao Xiang saw the two about to quarrel again and had to say, “There really is no other way. Let’s do this. I’ll arrange my work in the provincial capital.”

That’s what he said, but his heart was full of doubt. Going to live in a remote village for half a month was one thing, but his task was actually to watch a victimized teenage girl give birth, then take the child away from her. No matter how he tried to rationalize it to himself, he couldn’t see all this as natural and proper.

On a morning in early November, Gao Xiang drove the family’s Cherokee and arrived downstairs at the Zuo home at the agreed time. After five minutes, Yu Jia and Wang Yujiao led Zuo Si’an down. As soon as they got in the car, Zuo Xuejun suddenly walked over from another street and yanked open the right car door. “Xiao An, get out.”

Gao Xiang turned around in surprise, seeing Yu Jia say angrily, “You’re finally willing to come home?”

Zuo Xuejun ignored her and repeated, “Xiao An, get out of the car.”

Zuo Si’an sat without moving, saying quietly, “Dad, let me go.”

Zuo Xuejun reached out to grab her arm and drag her out. Gao Xiang was shocked and immediately got out of the car. “County Magistrate Zuo, you’ll hurt your daughter.”

Wang Yujiao also said, “County Magistrate Zuo, this won’t do. If she falls, it could cause a miscarriage…”

She was frightened into silence by Zuo Xuejun’s dark expression.

Zuo Xuejun pulled Zuo Si’an out of the car and grabbed her arm to walk home. She was dragged stumbling and had already lost her balance. Yu Jia rushed over to stop her husband, supporting her daughter with one hand while saying in a low voice, “Are you crazy? Do you have to make a scene outside?”

“You actually let your daughter make this kind of deal. You’re completely unqualified to be her mother.”

Yu Jia trembled slightly with anger. “Yes, I’m not a good mother. I didn’t fulfill a mother’s responsibilities. But what about you? Are you a good father? Think about what you’ve done during this time. You consider yourself upright and refuse to make deals with anyone, won’t think more about your daughter, and made things blow up regardless of consequences, forcing your daughter to this point today.”

This sharp accusation twisted Zuo Xuejun’s face. Zuo Si’an broke free from Yu Jia and shrieked, “Mom, stop it!” She hugged her father’s tightly clenched fists and looked up at him, her face covered in tears, pleading, “Dad, don’t fight with Mom. Don’t blame Mom. I forced her to do this. It’ll pass quickly, and then we can go home.”

Zuo Xuejun glanced at his daughter and immediately turned his head away, his face livid, chest heaving, completely unable to speak. At this moment, some windows upstairs opened and people poked their heads out to watch. Zuo Si’an let go of her father and turned resolutely. “Mom, let’s go.”

Gao Xiang started the car and drove away from the dormitory. The atmosphere inside the car was terribly oppressive. Wang Yujiao, sitting in the front passenger seat, tried to make conversation: “Xiao An, are you all right?”

Zuo Si’an looked at her blankly without answering.

“If your stomach feels uncomfortable, you must say so. Before I had Xiao Chao, I was pregnant once before, accidentally fell and miscarried, hemorrhaged badly. Fortunately my sister-in-law was home to save me. It was so painful…”

Yu Jia irritably interrupted her, “Sister Wang, stop talking.” But she still worriedly touched her daughter’s forehead. “Xiao An, should we go to the hospital for a checkup first?”

“No,” Zuo Si’an turned her head to avoid her hand. “I’m fine.”

Gao Xiang had no heart for conversation. Besides giving directions, Wang Yujiao said nothing more. Yu Jia and Zuo Si’an sat in the back seat, both unusually silent. Except for the mother asking if her daughter wanted water and the daughter shaking her head, the two didn’t speak throughout the journey. Yu Jia was preoccupied, staring blankly the whole way. Zuo Si’an shrank in the left corner by the car window, her head turned to look outside, with no exchange or intimacy with her mother.

From Qinggang county town, it was a two-lane county road. After driving over forty kilometers, following Wang Yujiao’s directions, Gao Xiang turned off the highway onto a narrow, potholed dirt road leading into Liu Wan. He was glad he’d brought an SUV. He parked the car in the only flat open space by the pond, picked up the luggage, and followed them toward the Liu home. Along the way, three or five curious onlookers came out. As Wang Yujiao had said, there were basically no young able-bodied men—mostly elderly, women, and children, and most surnamed Liu, with near or distant kinship relations. They greeted Wang Yujiao while their eyes glanced toward Gao Xiang, Yu Jia, and Zuo Si’an.

Back in the village, Wang Yujiao immediately became much more at ease, exchanging pleasantries with them.

“Some relatives from the city have come.”

“I’m going back right away. There are things in Qinggang I can’t leave.”

“I still have to wait until New Year to come back.”

“Xiao Chao’s grades are excellent. He placed first in his class again, second in the whole grade, and he won first prize in the provincial math competition.”

…

Gao Xiang only saw Yu Jia abstracted, her steps hesitant as she fell to the back, while Zuo Si’an followed Wang Yujiao closely, her head hanging very low, shoulders slightly hunched, as if desperately trying to hide herself from everyone’s gaze. He couldn’t help it anymore and slowed his pace. When Yu Jia caught up, he said quietly to her, “Teacher Yu, please comfort your daughter.”

Yu Jia seemed to wake from a dream, looking around, losing her usual composure as tears suddenly welled in her eyes: “I shouldn’t have agreed to leave my daughter in this place, but what else could I do?”

Gao Xiang couldn’t answer and could only say, “Teacher Yu, two months will pass quickly.”

“And then what? Then everyone can start over?” Her expression was miserable. “Before leaving, I said this to my daughter. She looked at me with those eyes—looked until I felt so guilty my tongue tied in knots, couldn’t even fool myself.”

“I promise I’ll take good care of her and send her back to you.”

Mei Yi was already standing at her own doorstep. At that time she was only in her early forties, medium height, short hair tucked behind her ears, dressed simply, no different from the villagers. However, when she invited them in, her conversation was generous, her manner efficient, without any of the awkwardness of ordinary peasant women. Her attitude toward Zuo Si’an was even more natural. She had her sit down, rolled up her sleeves, took her blood pressure, told her she could take off an outer layer in the afternoon when the temperature was higher, then brought out freshly made osmanthus brown sugar rice cakes for them to taste. Zuo Si’an seemed to relax slightly and said quietly, “Smells good.”

A little girl poked her head out from behind Mei Yi. “I picked all these osmanthus flowers from the osmanthus tree in our yard.”

“Call her Sister Xiao An.”

Mei Yi introduced them with a smile. “Xiao An, this is my daughter Jingjing. She’s three years younger than you.”

Seeing a girl about the same age, Zuo Si’an was startled but also seemed to relax. She lowered her head and ate in small bites. After eating, Mei Yi arranged for her to rest in the right side room. She obediently went in without even glancing at Yu Jia.

Yu Jia hadn’t touched the pastry in front of her. Her eyes were already full of tears, barely held back from flowing.

“Don’t let unrelated people come bother her, staring at her like she’s some kind of freak,” Yu Jia begged Mei Yi. “What she can’t stand most is other people’s curious stares.”

“Don’t worry. Village life is very plain. When any family has guests, it causes a round of gossip, but that’s all it is—just gossip. They have no ill intentions. Besides, early marriage is very common in rural areas. I’ve delivered babies for several fifteen or sixteen-year-old girls. They won’t be too curious about having children early.”

Yu Jia’s face twisted, clearly unable to feel comforted.

“Even if my sister-in-law hadn’t earnestly entrusted me, I’m also a mother with a daughter—I can understand your heart. I’ll take good care of her.”

Yu Jia said quietly, “Thank you, Sister Mei. Xiao An just had an examination, and her condition is fairly good. I’ll try to come see her every week. If anything happens, please call us immediately.”

Gao Xiang added, “I’ll also come often. My cell phone number is written below—I’ll keep it on twenty-four hours.”

Mei Yi nodded in agreement.

3

Jingjing’s full name was Liu Yujing. She was a lively, intelligent eleven-year-old girl who attended fifth grade at the town elementary school. She was very interested in the books Yu Jia had packed for Zuo Si’an. While flipping through them, she asked questions, and Zuo Si’an answered mechanically.

“What’s ‘Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea’ about?”

“It’s a science fiction novel written by a Frenchman.”

“What about ‘The Children of Captain Grant’?”

“Also written by this same Frenchman.”

“Sister Xiao An, is this book ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’ good? What’s it about?”

“I haven’t finished it yet. It’s about a girl named Alice who falls into a rabbit hole and encounters many strange things…”

She stopped abruptly, looking around blankly, suddenly feeling as if she too had fallen into some rabbit hole. Everything she was experiencing seemed so absurd and, moreover, terrifying. That afternoon she had been unwilling to recall suddenly leapt to her mind. She forcefully closed her eyes, but couldn’t stop the chaotic images flashing before her.

“…Sister Xiao An, Sister Xiao An.”

She opened her eyes. Jingjing was looking at her with some trepidation: “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

To confirm she was fine was nearly an impossible task for Zuo Si’an.

However, Mei Yi seemed naturally gifted at soothing fears and organizing life into smoothness with maternal instinct. When she was seventeen, she was still a naive high school student in a big city. Following the wave of sent-down youth to the countryside, she came here, learning to do various unfamiliar and arduous farm work. Her fingers and shoulders quickly developed thick calluses. After experiencing repeated crushing disappointments of hopes to return to the city, she married an honest farmer and was held up as a model for taking root in the countryside. Various honors couldn’t offset the poverty of life. Her former classmates left one after another. Her son and daughter were born successively, and the honors vanished with changing times. She became a rural doctor, earning the respect of villagers, and ultimately integrated into the local area.

Initially, Zuo Si’an was wary of Mei Yi. But Mei Yi made no effort to quickly close the distance between them. On the contrary, she respected Zuo Si’an’s aloofness and withdrawal, neither being as cautious as Yu Jia for fear of hurting her, nor like Wang Yujiao who expressed sympathy with all her might while unconsciously revealing curiosity. The care Mei Yi showed toward Zuo Si’an was no different from how she treated her own daughter, without any unnatural feeling.

And Jingjing, as Liu Guanchao had said, was a lovely girl with an open personality, full of curiosity about the outside world. Zuo Si’an simply couldn’t refuse her friendliness.

Neither member of this family treated Zuo Si’an with any special attitude. Every morning, Mei Yi called Zuo Si’an and Jingjing to get up at the same time, arranged breakfast for them, sent Jingjing off to walk nearly fifty minutes alone to the town elementary school. If she didn’t have house calls and no patients came to the door, she would go to the family vegetable garden to do some farm work. When the weather was good, she would bring Zuo Si’an along, watering and fertilizing while chatting with her, teaching her to recognize crops.

In the afternoon when Jingjing came home from school, she would do homework with Zuo Si’an, chat, and listen to the radio. At ten o’clock, they would turn off the lights and sleep on time.

Mei Yi’s home always had villagers coming to seek medical treatment. Initially, Zuo Si’an mostly shut herself in the east side room, but gradually she discovered that although villagers would curiously size her up, that curiosity carried no malice. They seemed easily amazed by details but had a subtle understanding and respect for other matters. They quickly adapted to having an extra girl in Mei Yi’s home and wouldn’t repeatedly speculate and gossip.

Even though Zuo Si’an remained melancholy, she unknowingly fell into the rhythm of life here. She was highly sensitive to her surroundings and others’ emotional changes. Without even needing to look up and observe, she could detect subtle differences. Here, her identity was that of a respected guest, no longer “that deputy county magistrate from the province whose daughter had that incident.” Realizing this, she breathed a sigh of relief and involuntarily relaxed considerably.

Gao Xiang came punctually after a few days on the weekend. He seemed to know Zuo Si’an was unwilling to have close contact with people and always stood a few steps away from her. Whether reminding her that the light in the side room wasn’t good enough and she’d better move to the courtyard to read, or asking if there were any books she wanted to read or food she wanted to eat that he could buy and bring next time, she had no response. Having hit a wall, he didn’t get angry either, maintaining a calm attitude throughout.

Jingjing immediately became familiar with him, entreating him, “Uncle Gao, could you help me bring the newest issue of ‘Fairy Tale King’ this month? I want to read the serial in it. The copy the school ordered got lost somehow.”

He agreed, and after a week, he really brought the “Fairy Tale King” Jingjing wanted, along with a big pile of other books.

For Zuo Si’an, no matter how cheerfully Jingjing chatted and laughed with him, he was just a stranger she didn’t need to acknowledge. She treated his visits as if they didn’t exist, but her mother’s visits weren’t so simple.

Yu Jia had accumulated a large amount of work. After a week, she transferred from the provincial capital on two bus routes to visit her daughter. However, when Zuo Si’an saw her come in alone, she showed no expression of pleasant surprise. “Where’s Dad?”

“He’s very busy. I came directly from the provincial capital. Xiao An, look, I brought you…”

Her eyes dimmed. She shook off Yu Jia’s hand and returned to her room, not even glancing at what was brought. She knew her mother was hurt, but on one hand, she couldn’t bear her mother’s gaze—that look trying hard to appear cheerful and determined yet constantly revealing worry and distress. This look made her sadder than anyone’s curiosity. On the other hand, she couldn’t accept the current near-rupture state between her parents.

Yu Jia still had to catch the return bus and couldn’t stay long. Under Mei Yi’s consolation, she only sat for a while before taking her leave. Hearing Mei Yi see her mother out, Zuo Si’an’s heart felt empty. She stared blankly out the window. She thought, perhaps her father would never love her as he did before. This thought had lurked in her heart for a long time. Now it desperately crawled up, making her want to cry loudly, but her chest felt heavy, her eyes sore—she had no way to cry.

Mei Yi came in and placed a bowl of hot osmanthus fermented rice on the table in front of her. She kept her head down. The steam from the fermented rice moistened her eyes. A tear finally dripped into the steaming bowl.

“Your mother won’t blame you. Parents can never truly blame their children. What they blame more is themselves.”

Mei Yi didn’t ask for reasons or reproach her for being rude. This understanding made Zuo Si’an feel even worse. She of course knew her mother wouldn’t blame her, but what was the use? Everything seemed to have gone onto the wrong track—irreversible, with no chance to start over. Thinking of this, her tears flowed uncontrollably.

Mei Yi moved the bowl away from in front of her and hugged her, gently rubbing her back. This embrace was warm, with a faint sweet fragrance of osmanthus. She had never been a child lacking in care, but in these past six months she’d been far from normal love. After a moment of stiffness, her body—tense from silent crying—relaxed, and she pressed her head closer to Mei Yi.

4

By the weekend, Gao Xiang drove from the provincial capital to Liu Wan again. He was somewhat worried about Zuo Si’an’s state, though he thought that if a fourteen-year-old girl in this situation acted normal, chatting and laughing freely, that would actually be abnormal. Given his identity, regular visits would already alarm her. Expressing further concern would probably only increase her distress.

By this time it was already winter. After the first cold wave passed, the weather was rarely continuously fine, with the sun shining warm, like Indian summer. The courtyard gate was open. From outside he could already see Zuo Si’an sitting by the big osmanthus tree sunbathing, with Jingjing beside her. In front of Jingjing was a small table with books and homework spread out, though the little girl was obviously not concentrating on her homework. She said something, then leaned on Zuo Si’an’s shoulder, biting her pen and laughing. Zuo Si’an didn’t laugh, but her face bathed in sunlight wasn’t as gloomy as before from staying indoors so long, and her expression was no longer wooden either.

Gao Xiang walked over. Zuo Si’an as usual treated him as invisible. Jingjing greeted him, and he handed her the large package of magazines and books he’d bought. This was the only gift Mei Yi allowed her to accept. She said happily, “Now many classmates borrow books from me. I’m planning to donate them to the school library after I finish reading them.”

“If you want to donate to the school, I’ll buy more books next time.”

“Thank you, Uncle Gao.”

Gao Xiang walked inside. He could still hear Jingjing’s giggles continuing. He thought having such a lively girl as company should be very good for Zuo Si’an. He greeted Mei Yi, who had just returned from a house call and was organizing her medical kit.

“Mei Yi, how is her physical condition?”

“She eats too little. I’m afraid her nutrition won’t keep up. Also, her ankles are a bit swollen.”

Gao Xiang was taken aback. Mei Yi explained, “Swelling during pregnancy is normal. If the swelling suddenly increases and weight rapidly gains, we need to watch for pregnancy toxemia.”

“Does she need to go to the hospital now?”

“No need. I’ve already reduced the salt in the food I make for her and have her control her water intake. There shouldn’t be a big problem.”

“Then I’m relieved.”

However, Mei Yi shook her head. “This child has heavy concerns. Her mother comes almost every week. She’s not very willing to talk to her mother and keeps asking why her father doesn’t come. Her mother says her father has been very busy at work lately and has no time. I don’t understand—the mother works in the provincial capital, busy with a research project, has to transfer buses twice to get here, yet still squeezes out the time. The father works right in Qinggang but won’t come. Every time her mother leaves, she doesn’t speak for a long time. I can see that even though she doesn’t say anything, she must be sad inside.”

He couldn’t fathom how complicated the family situation was and couldn’t help feeling sympathetic. At this moment, Jingjing’s clear voice came from outside: “Xiao Chao gege, you’re back!”

Gao Xiang and Mei Yi went out to see Zuo Si’an’s thin, small classmate Liu Guanchao pushing a tall, old twenty-eight-inch bicycle, wearing his backpack and standing at the door talking to the two girls. Mei Yi said in surprise, “Xiao Chao, why did you come back?”

Liu Guanchao steadied the bicycle, wiping the sweat from his forehead, saying quietly, “Eldest Aunt, I brought homework for Xiao An.”

“You naughty child, you must have secretly run back without telling your parents.”

He muttered, “Don’t tell my dad, or he’ll beat me again.”

“He doesn’t need to beat you. You rode your bicycle all the way here over forty kilometers—your bottom must be worn raw.” Mei Yi reached into the back of his collar, both angry and distressed. “Hurry in and change clothes. Be careful not to catch cold.”

“No need to change. I’ll still get sweaty riding back in a bit.” Liu Guanchao hurried to take books from his backpack and hand them to Zuo Si’an. “I brought my notes. If there’s anything you don’t understand, write it down, and I’ll explain it next time I come back.”

Zuo Si’an stared at him blankly without speaking.

“These are the weekly exercises and monthly exam papers. I asked the teacher for a set. After I leave, try doing them.”

Zuo Si’an still didn’t speak.

“Don’t worry. I’ll tutor you. Next semester you’ll definitely be able to keep up with the pace. We’ll both be able to test into Qinggang High School.”

She smiled bleakly and finally spoke: “Don’t be silly. I won’t be going back to Qinggang Middle School.”

“How can that work?” Liu Guanchao became anxious. “If you don’t even finish middle school, what can you do in the future?”

Mei Yi patted his shoulder. “Xiao Chao, Xiao An’s mother said arrangements have already been made for Xiao An to go back to the provincial capital to continue attending the third year at Normal University Affiliated Middle School. That’s also a very good school.”

Liu Guanchao froze. After a while, he said stubbornly, “No matter where you go to school, I still have to tutor you.”

Zuo Si’an lowered her head and said nothing more.

After Liu Guanchao finished explaining the homework to Zuo Si’an, Gao Xiang suggested putting his bicycle in the trunk and driving him back to Qinggang. He shook his head in refusal. Mei Yi glared at him. “What kind of stubbornness is this? Xiao Chao, let Uncle Gao take you back. Otherwise I’ll tell your father, and then you won’t be able to secretly run back anymore.”

Liu Guanchao stopped protesting and got in the back seat. Gao Xiang drove out of the village onto the highway and asked him, “Does Zuo Si’an’s father still live there?”

He got no answer and was somewhat surprised to look in the rearview mirror, finding Liu Guanchao staring at him warily. He couldn’t help feeling helpless. “Do you think I’m also a bad person?”

Liu Guanchao obviously agreed by default.

“I have no ill intentions. I just want to talk with her father…”

“Don’t go bother Uncle Zuo. He won’t want to see anyone from your family again.”

Gao Xiang had to admit that in the eyes of children like Zuo Si’an and Liu Guanchao at this age, the world was black and white. He couldn’t possibly be considered a good person. And what Liu Guanchao said wasn’t without reason. No matter what his intentions were, his appearance before any member of the Zuo family was a disturbance.

As soon as they returned to Qinggang county town, Liu Guanchao asked to get out. Gao Xiang stopped the car. “I go to Liu Wan every week. I’m giving you my phone number. If you also want to go, get your parents’ permission and call me—I’ll take you.”

Liu Guanchao shook his head. “No need.” He wouldn’t even say goodbye, got on his bicycle, and rode away in a flash.

Gao Xiang was helpless but also admired this thin boy’s tenacity and principles.

Work and these visits took up nearly all of Gao Xiang’s time. The only explanation he could give his girlfriend was that his uncle had died unexpectedly and he needed to return to Qinggang every weekend to accompany his grandfather. He could see Sun Ruodi was full of doubt and unease, wanting to speak but stopping herself, but he had no way to console her anymore. He just thought, once all this ended, life could return to normal.

Except for Zuo Si’an.

He immediately thought that at least this girl’s life could never completely return to normal.

This thought troubled him deeply.

5

When Zuo Si’an was seven months pregnant, Gao Xiang handed his work over to his father Gao Ming and moved to Liu Wan.

The two Liu brothers’ houses were right next to each other. The second brother had taken his children to live in town, leaving the house vacant. Mei Yi helped clean it and arranged for Gao Xiang to move in.

Mobile phone signals and cable TV hadn’t reached Liu Wan. The village only had one phone. The person who used it most frequently was Mei Yi. People from neighboring villages often called, either consulting about medical treatment or asking her to make house calls.

Winter was the agricultural off-season. The villagers’ lives were hard, but they were all very content and happy, not busy looking for ways to make money. Common entertainment was playing mahjong, sitting around the stove cracking melon seeds and chatting, crowding into homes with TVs to watch programs on limited channels. These were of course things Gao Xiang couldn’t participate in.

Gao Xiang began experiencing pure rural life and only then discovered he’d made many material preparations but his psychological preparation was completely inadequate. His mother had prepared ample daily necessities for him. He’d bought thick books he’d had no time to read after graduating. He’d brought music CDs. But after living long in the noisy city, accustomed to busy days, this was the first time leaving behind traffic and constantly ringing phones. Having so much free time for his own disposal, he only felt unable to settle his mind. Books became tiring to read, CDs tiresome to hear. Going out for a walk, ten-some minutes would traverse the entire village. There were only ever one or two people to talk to. Every minute was a monotonous repetition of the previous moment. For the first time, he discovered time could be so hard to pass.

He volunteered to drive Mei Yi to distant villages for house calls. The two chatted in the car. Mei Yi laughed, “First time enjoying the treatment of riding in such a nice car to see patients.”

“In this kind of sleet weather, riding a bicycle is too hard.”

“I’m used to it—it’s nothing. You’re a city person shut up here. It’s hard for you. My son Guanwen comes back for a few days every New Year and says he’s bored to death.”

“What work is he doing?”

“He didn’t get into college after graduating high school, so he can only work in an electronics factory in Guangdong. I guess he’ll stay in the city in the future. In recent years, fewer and fewer young people remain in each village. I really don’t know what the elderly will do in the future.”

“Mei Yi, have you thought about going back to the city?”

She shook her head. “The city is very good, but my parents passed away, siblings have their own families and have grown distant. Occasionally visiting relatives is enough. No one needs me there, and no hospital would hire me—someone who came to medicine halfway without systematic formal training. I’m used to it here.”

Gao Xiang had somewhat regretted his question coming abruptly, but seeing Mei Yi’s expression was open and not sad, he felt slightly relieved.

And Zuo Si’an seemed to have completely adapted to this life. During the day, she mostly stayed alone in the side room reading. If Mei Yi came to remind her not to sit too long, she would obediently stand up, go out the back courtyard, walk along a sparsely traveled path for ten minutes or so, then return.

Although they lived next door and ate at the same table every day, she seemed to not recognize Gao Xiang at all—didn’t look at him directly, didn’t participate in conversations. If he spoke to her, she either only answered with monosyllabic “mm” or “uh,” or acted as if she hadn’t heard and didn’t respond at all. She still ate very little, wearing a loose, thick winter coat. The face exposed outside was pointed and thin, fingers slender, just like Jingjing—completely a child’s appearance who hadn’t developed. From her figure to her looks, she looked like an undeveloped child.

Every time seeing her in this quiet, patient posture, Gao Xiang felt oppressed. The unease in his heart made him subconsciously avoid being alone with her. He thought self-mockingly that even if she hadn’t treated him as if he didn’t exist, he actually couldn’t adopt a normal attitude like Mei Yi and Jingjing toward her.

This afternoon, Gao Xiang walked out of the village, planning to walk to where there was communication signal near the highway to call Sun Ruodi. He hadn’t walked far when he suddenly felt something wasn’t right. Looking back, Zuo Si’an was silently following about ten meters behind him. Seeing him stop, she also stopped.

“In such cold weather, what are you coming out for?”

“I want to borrow your cell phone to call my dad.”

This was the first time she’d spoken to him. She didn’t look at him. Her voice was low and clear. He almost said there was a public phone in the village—why follow him so far? Then he thought, of course, like him, she didn’t want others to hear the phone call content.

He nodded. “Okay, walk slowly. Be careful not to fall.”

After days of rain and snow had just stopped, the road was muddy. He knew she wouldn’t accept him going over to support her and could only slow his pace as much as possible while paying attention behind him. Reaching the roadside, he handed her the phone. She shook her head and walked away a bit: “You call first.”

He hurriedly dialed Sun Ruodi. Sun Ruodi asked him, “Where exactly did you go? Why is your cell phone always out of service? I’ve been worried to death.”

He answered evasively, “I’m still in Qinggang. Are you all right?”

Sun Ruodi was silent for a while.

“I’m sorry, Ruodi. I really can’t get away here. After this period passes, I’ll come back and spend good time with you.”

Sun Ruodi after all was a gentle girl. “All right, take good care of your grandfather.”

“Your voice seems a bit hoarse.”

“Probably caught a little chill.”

“Be good—go buy some cold medicine to drink, drink more water, don’t read too late, don’t let the cold get worse. I’ll come back to see you as soon as I can.”

He hung up the phone and walked over to hand the cell phone to Zuo Si’an. “I’ll go over there to smoke a cigarette. Take your time talking.”

He thought Zuo Si’an should have a lot to say to her father and walked farther away, lighting a cigarette. But he’d only smoked a third when he looked back to see Zuo Si’an had already put down the phone and walked to the roadside. Vehicles sped past on the road. On the fields after rain and snow, vegetation was withered and defeated. She wore a long, thick down coat. Her figure was bulky yet appeared exceptionally desolate, as if she could be blown away by the wind at any moment.

He hurriedly threw down the cigarette and walked over, seeing tears streaming down Zuo Si’an’s face. He held out a tissue. She didn’t take it and handed him back the phone.

“What happened?”

“My dad won’t acknowledge me anymore.”

She only said one sentence, then burst into loud crying. Her crying voice was torn apart and scattered by the howling north wind. This completely childish heartbroken wail greatly alarmed Gao Xiang. He didn’t know how to comfort her. Just as he reached out wanting to gently pat her shoulder, she had already shrunk back startled, avoiding him, turning to walk toward the village, still crying, stumbling with each step. Upon reaching the village entrance, she finally struggled to swallow her crying, hanging her head very low.

He followed behind her and couldn’t help developing deep hatred for Zuo Xuejun. He thought, how could a father who claimed to have always been loving suddenly ignore his daughter, reducing her to such despair?

After sending Zuo Si’an back, Gao Xiang told Mei Yi he had something to go back to Qinggang for and would return that same day. He drove directly to the county government compound dormitory building where the Zuo family lived. Approaching dusk, the smell of cooking wafted from many households. He went upstairs and knocked. Zuo Xuejun opened the door. “Who are you looking for?”

“County Magistrate Zuo, my name is Gao Xiang.”

He frowned thinking. “You’re Gao Ming’s son?”

Gao Xiang hadn’t expected him to have an impression of his father. “Yes, I want to talk with you. May I come in?”

Zuo Xuejun let him in and asked coldly, “What is it?”

“Why don’t you go see your daughter?”

“That’s my family matter. Outsiders don’t need to meddle.”

“Do you know her current situation?”

“Her current situation? Do you think I need others to remind me?” Zuo Xuejun’s mouth twitched, revealing an almost ferocious expression. “She’s about to give birth. My fourteen-year-old daughter—she’s still a child herself…”

The man before him was clearly in extreme pain. Gao Xiang’s anger immediately extinguished. He tried to speak in a calm tone: “I only want to tell you she’s very lonely. Her mother comes to see her every week, but she seems to have some problem getting along with her mother. Her whole heart hopes you’ll come.”

Zuo Xuejun collapsed onto the sofa, holding his head with both hands, fingers pulling at his own hair.

“You… don’t worry. Mei Yi is a doctor and taking very good care of her.”

Zuo Xuejun didn’t raise his head or speak. Gao Xiang stood awkwardly, looking around, suddenly discovering all the things in the living room had already been packed, with two suitcases and a large backpack stacked to one side.

“County Magistrate Zuo, are you transferring back to the provincial capital?”

Just when he thought he wouldn’t get an answer, Zuo Xuejun spoke: “An aid-to-Tibet cadre from the province had a car accident in Ali and needs to return inland for treatment. I applied to go replace him. It’s already been approved. I’m leaving for the airport shortly.”

Gao Xiang froze. “You’re not going to see your daughter—just leaving like this?”

“Her mother will go be with her.”

“I don’t know your family matters, but how can I make you understand—she needs both of you by her side?”

Zuo Xuejun fell silent again.

Gao Xiang was somewhat incredulous: “You can’t possibly think that what happened to her makes you lose face, so you’re running away to Tibet. She’s your daughter, the victim, completely innocent. How can you treat her this way?”

Zuo Xuejun raised his head. Under the light, his eyes were full of bloodshot. “What right do you have to lecture me?”

“Does this need any right? Yes, Chen Ziyu is my uncle, but he’s already paid the price for his actions…”

“Shut up!” Zuo Xuejun jumped up and grabbed his collar. “Don’t mention that name in front of me.”

Gao Xiang struggled but couldn’t shake him off. His anger also flared: “That incident brought you shame, so you won’t let people mention that person’s name, won’t go see your daughter, won’t even stay in this place. Is this your way of coping?”

“What right do you have to speculate about my thoughts? You don’t understand a father’s heart at all. Xiao An is my daughter, my precious darling. That year I sat on a train for two days and nights rushing back from out of town, waited outside the delivery room for her to be born, watched her grow from an infant to a little girl. I thought I could always take good care of her until she grew up, watching her marry. But I brought her to Qinggang, was busy with work, failed to protect her well, letting her go through such pain…”

“Things have already happened. She’s still a child. Shouldn’t you try your best to care for her?”

“You so lightly say ‘already happened’ and brush past it. Do you know what choice I went through? She fainted at school, was sent to the hospital, and I only then learned she’d been raped and was already five months pregnant. We lived together, yet I knew nothing. I forced her again and again to tell me clearly exactly what happened, how it happened. She cried herself hoarse but I wouldn’t stop. I went to the Public Security Bureau to file a report, watched them lock down and arrest the suspect, heard his confession—I only wanted to kill him with my own hands to relieve my hatred. After he escaped, I urged the Public Security Bureau to intensify efforts to capture him, even forcibly got on the police car. I caused the officers on duty to all receive disciplinary action. My wife accused me of being possessed, completely not thinking about why that bastard had done evil for so long but no other victim girls’ parents filed reports. I alone made things blow up. What about our daughter’s future? But I had no way to think about it. I couldn’t stop. It’s come to this now—I failed to avenge my daughter. My daughter even has to give birth to that person’s child to save me from being held accountable. I watched helplessly as her life was ruined. What face do I have left to see her? How can I care for her?”

In one breath reaching the end, Zuo Xuejun was already hoarse. He let go of Gao Xiang and said viciously, “Get out.”

Gao Xiang drove away from the Zuo family dormitory, wandering aimlessly for a while, then stopped the car by the roadside. This was only two streets from his home, but he had no desire to go back at all.

He’d grown up smoothly since childhood, but his mother had focused her attention on her young younger brother, inevitably neglecting him. Gao Ming came from poverty and didn’t approve of his wife’s way of educating his brother, paying more attention to his son, with a relatively strict set of requirements, never indulging him. When Gao Xiang was in middle school, he insisted he board at school to adapt to relatively harsh living conditions, while encouraging him to make more friends. Gao Ming’s pains achieved results. Gao Xiang became independent relatively early, more composed than his peers, without the arrogance of privileged circumstances.

After graduating from college, he officially took over the family company’s sales work, doing quite well, quickly able to handle things independently. His grandfather praised him highly. He’d always been very confident in his ability to handle affairs. However, facing the current complex situation, he had a strong sense of confusion, while developing deep doubts about the decisions he’d made and actions he’d taken.

He suddenly very much missed Sun Ruodi. They’d been dating for over two years. Their relationship had no ups and downs. The biggest bump was him missing her birthday due to a business trip, bringing her coquettish anger, a cold war, then making up—far from needing the halo of nostalgia to beautify. But compared to the chaos before him, he acutely realized what attracted him most was actually the simple, peaceful happiness of being with her.

He dialed Sun Ruodi’s cell phone. After ringing for a while, she answered: “What is it?”

She’d obviously already gone to bed. Her voice was low, warm and soft, lazy. He felt comforted and said honestly, “I miss you.”

She was somewhat surprised but also very happy, though she complained coquettishly, “Hmph, this afternoon when you called me, why did you hang up so hastily?”

“So I’m calling you again now. What are you doing?”

“Lying in bed reading. When can you come back?”

As soon as this question came up, he felt somewhat gloomy. “I’m sorry, Ruodi. I still can’t get away here.”

This time Sun Ruodi didn’t say anything more. “Please give my regards to your grandfather and tell him to rest well.”

After hanging up, Gao Xiang opened the car window to light a cigarette, feeling somewhat more relaxed than before. But the phone immediately rang—it was Mei Yi calling. “Xiao Gao, a daughter-in-law from a neighboring village is going into labor. I have to go over right away. I don’t know how long it’ll drag on. When can you come back? I’m a bit worried about Xiao An. She’s been in very low spirits today. She didn’t eat dinner and shut herself in her room, unwilling to say a word.”

“I’ll rush back immediately.”

“That’s good. I’ll have Jingjing leave the door for you. When you come back, quietly check on Xiao An. If there’s no problem, don’t disturb her.”

When Gao Xiang drove back to Liu Wan, it was close to midnight. The villagers had all gone to sleep. The whole village was quiet and soundless. He pushed Mei Yi’s house door—it wasn’t bolted, just ajar. Zuo Si’an lived in the south-facing right side room, but the one with lights on was the left side room that Mei Yi used as a clinic.

He walked over and stopped abruptly. He saw Zuo Si’an facing a wooden-framed full-length mirror against the wall. The long down coat was thrown to one side. She’d pushed up the sweater and underwear she wore inside, exposing her protruding abdomen, staring motionlessly at her own belly.

Gao Xiang had completely not expected she would examine herself in such a strange way on a cold winter night. At the same time, that disproportionately protruding belly jutting from her slender body shocked him into standing petrified like stone, momentarily not knowing what to do.

6

Zuo Si’an’s hands continued pushing up. She wasn’t wearing a bra but a cotton athletic undershirt. She rolled the undershirt up, exposing her small, just-developing breasts. She stopped, not knowing whether from cold or unable to bear the image in the mirror. She trembled, her teeth chattering audibly—slight but exceptionally harsh. This sound frightened even herself. She tried hard to clench her jaw to stop the sound, but it was futile.

She stared at herself in the mirror, like looking at a stranger.

At the beginning of this year, on a day just after winter break when school had just started, Zuo Si’an suddenly felt stomach pain at school and couldn’t concentrate. She thought she’d eaten something bad. Returning home, she lay in bed and drowsily fell asleep. When Zuo Xuejun came home and called her to eat, she discovered there was actually a patch of dark red blood on the bed sheet. In shock and alarm, she shrieked for her father. Zuo Xuejun ran in, took one look, and his face immediately became awkward. Stammering, he said, “I’ll have your mother tell you,” and immediately withdrew.

She knelt on the bed, bewildered and at a loss. At this time, her father’s voice came from the living room on the phone, completely unlike his usual gentle elegance.

“The school here hasn’t even started physiological hygiene class. How am I supposed to explain this kind of thing to my daughter?”

“You as her mother are being too careless.”

“When did you tell her? She has absolutely no preparation.”

“Everyone around here knows me. How can you tell me to go buy this?”

Only then did she remember that when she was in the second semester of first year at Normal University Affiliated Middle School in the provincial capital, her mother had indeed talked to her about the “little secret for girls” she might face. But Yu Jia spoke very euphemistically. She understood only half, and when she curiously asked a few questions, Yu Jia vaguely glossed over it, only saying she’d understand when the time came. She developed late. After nearly a year had passed without seeing any of those “physical changes” her mother described, she’d almost completely forgotten about it.

She climbed up to change clothes, pressing her still-aching stomach, staring blankly at the dirty bed sheet, not knowing what to do. At this time, Zuo Xuejun came in, placed a black plastic bag containing sanitary napkins on her bedside table, told her to answer Yu Jia’s phone call, and, rarely adopting an evasive posture, claimed to go downstairs to buy cigarettes and hurriedly left.

Yu Jia told her daughter not to panic. This was a periodic physiological phenomenon that would appear at a fixed time each month. Follow the usage instructions to change sanitary napkins, pay attention to personal hygiene, keep warm, don’t eat cold things, it’s best to ask for leave from PE class, don’t do strenuous exercise. If the pain is severe, get a hot water bottle for hot compress. Finally she said, “Xiao An, don’t touch cold water these few days. Quietly ask Auntie Wang to wash the underwear and bed sheets you change. From now on, when you need sanitary napkins, buy them yourself. You don’t need to ask Dad about these things—just call Mom directly.”

Actually, without her mother’s instructions, she also realized from her father’s unfamiliar attitude that for her father, her development was a taboo topic. She could no longer, as in the past, have her first reaction when encountering problems be to discuss them with him.

Later, Zuo Xuejun indeed didn’t mention this matter and began keeping a small distance from his daughter. One day he was sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper. She squeezed over as before and burrowed into his arms, sitting on his lap to read together. But he quickly moved her to his side, saying somewhat unnaturally, “Xiao An, you’ve already grown up. You can’t sit without proper posture like before.”

She was greatly upset and protested indignantly, “I’m only in second year of middle school. How am I grown up?”

Zuo Xuejun didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, stroking her hair. “I really wish you could always be a little girl so I could always hold you, take you wherever I go.”

She threw herself into his arms, hugging his neck and swaying left and right coquettishly. “Of course I’m still young. Wherever you go, you have to take me. You’re not allowed to leave me alone.”

By about the same time the second month, Zuo Si’an was on high alert, preparing in advance, but there was no movement. She couldn’t help wondering and called to consult her mother. Yu Jia was in a meeting. Coming out of the conference room, she told her not to make a fuss: “You’ve just started developing. It’s normal for your first period not to have regularity.”

She muttered rather depressedly, “So troublesome. What if it suddenly comes when I’m in class? Staining my clothes would be so embarrassing. Why do girls have to be like this? It would be great if this thing never came.”

“This is a physiological phenomenon. What’s troublesome about it? Think of the good side—next you’ll grow taller, and your chest will develop too.”

Zuo Si’an very much looked forward to growing taller, but hearing about chest development, she shook her head in alarm. “I don’t want to, I don’t want to. Chen Tingting in our class—when she runs, her chest bounces so much, it’s so ugly. All the classmates laugh at her. She wears an oversized school uniform all day, walking with hunched shoulders. She’s almost become a hunchback.”

Yu Jia was taken aback and couldn’t help laughing at her daughter. “Hey, your dad was all sentimental saying you’ve grown up and aren’t a child anymore. Look at you—still so childish. All right, Mom has to go back to the meeting. I’ll talk to you later.”

Zuo Si’an didn’t have her second period until nearly two months later, and afterward it never settled into the twenty-eight-day cycle her mother mentioned. She really hated this chaotic signal that supposedly meant growing up. When no one was home, she’d curiously take off her top to check whether she had signs of development. The conclusion was fairly satisfying: her body was no longer completely flat but only had slight undulation—it wouldn’t attract attention like her classmate Chen Tingting.

However, she never imagined that just a few months later, she would carry a burden far heavier than a developing chest.

That afternoon of June 1st uncontrollably floated before Zuo Si’an’s eyes.

Qinggang Middle School, usually strict about studies to a pathological degree, also gave half a day off to the second-year middle school children to let them enjoy their last Children’s Day. Zuo Xuejun had gone to the countryside to guide drought resistance efforts. Liu Guanchao came up as usual to do homework with Zuo Si’an. His older sister Liu Yaqin, who was attending nursing school, suddenly called, saying she’d take them to the workers’ club of a chemical factory on the county town’s edge to watch a Hong Kong comedy. The two children had just finished their homework and were bored, so they excitedly set out. They met Liu Yaqin at the back gate of the nursing school. Liu Yaqin suddenly remembered she needed to take clothes and bedding home, told her brother to go with her to get them, and instructed Zuo Si’an to wait for them outside.

The nursing school was located in a remote position on the county town’s edge. The back gate was especially quiet. Zuo Si’an sat bored under the roadside tree shade, pulling up small grass blades to weave bracelets. Her fingers were stained slightly green by grass stem juice. That fresh grass and wood scent, like the clear June weather and bright sunlight, made her feel very happy. Suddenly, a brand-new black Mercedes sped up and stopped in front of her.

Next, Zuo Si’an’s memory became chaotic and blurred. When she regained consciousness, she found herself lying in roadside grass, barely clothed. Liu Yaqin was half-kneeling desperately shaking her. Liu Guanchao’s face was deathly pale, standing dumbly to one side. Her eyes were dazzled by sunlight and couldn’t open. The pain in her body suddenly attacked after numbness. She cried out with a “wah,” but Liu Yaqin covered her mouth, saying nervously, “Don’t yell. If people know about this kind of thing, even your father will lose face.”

Next, Liu Yaqin gave her own clothes for her to wear, and together with Liu Guanchao sent her home, instructed her to bathe and change clothes, helped treat the injuries on her body, and even volunteered that evening to stay overnight in place of her mother Wang Yujiao.

Zuo Si’an was in a state of shock and confusion, completely unable to understand what the events meant. Liu Yaqin’s constant prattling to her made her even more frightened and confused.

“This kind of thing is very shameful. I had a classmate who was like this. Later, not a single person in the whole school would talk to her. Her father and mother almost drove her out of the house.”

“Don’t tell anyone. I told Xiao Chao not to say anything either. Let’s just pretend nothing happened.”

“It’s nothing. Tomorrow it won’t hurt anymore.”

“It’s passed, it’s passed.”

“You absolutely can’t say I told Xiao Chao to take you to the movies. Otherwise, my dad will beat me and Xiao Chao to death, and your dad won’t acknowledge you either.”

She’d witnessed Liu Guanchao’s father beating him and his sister. That seemingly silent, honest man could suddenly become so violent—it frightened and puzzled her. But what terrified her more was her own father not acknowledging her, even being ashamed of her. She could only nod in agreement.

Until three days later when her father returned from the countryside, she maintained silence.

However, the enormous fear, sharp pain, nameless shame, uncleanliness, and bewildered helplessness all turned into nightmares she couldn’t dispel whenever she closed her eyes. The secret pressed on her heart like a boulder, making her unable to breathe. She didn’t dare recall how it all happened, didn’t dare look directly into her father’s eyes, had no way to discuss her body’s abnormalities on the phone with her mother who was away in the north for short-term training. She just wanted to try hard to forget, telling herself to treat this matter like falling and splitting her head open requiring stitches when learning to ride a bicycle two years ago.

But the stranger in the mirror before her reminded Zuo Si’an how wishful her thinking was.

Her originally small chest suddenly swelled. Her abdomen protruded even more. Her skin was forcibly stretched thin—she could vaguely see light blue blood vessels under the skin. She hesitantly raised her trembling hand to touch it. Suddenly, under her palm there was a slow but very definite wriggling. She startled and without thinking pressed down hard. But the wriggling didn’t stop—it became even more obvious. A kick-like small force pushed back against her palm.

This wasn’t the first fetal movement she’d felt, but none had been as strong as this one. She hated this signal from inside her body that was completely beyond her will’s control; hated the ugly image in the mirror with protruding chest and belly, disheveled hair, and deathly pale face. She suddenly raised her hand and pushed over that full-length mirror. With the dull thud of the wooden mirror frame hitting the ground, the mirror crisply shattered, sounding especially harsh in the quiet night.

Jingjing, who lived in the back side room, was awakened, frightened, crying, “Mom, Mom, what happened?”

She stood dumbly, having lost the ability to act. At this time, Gao Xiang rushed in, picked up the down coat and haphazardly wrapped it around her, half-dragging, half-carrying her out of the left side room, while loudly comforting Jingjing, “It’s nothing, don’t be afraid, Jingjing. Your mom went on a house call and hasn’t come back yet. She asked me to come lock the door for you. I accidentally knocked over the mirror. Go to sleep—there’s nothing wrong.”

Jingjing said “oh” from over there and went back to sleep reassured.

Zuo Si’an instinctively struggled forcefully to break free from his hand. He didn’t let her go, saying quietly, “Don’t be afraid either. I have no ill intentions. I pulled you out because I was afraid the broken mirror would hurt you.”

She didn’t answer, staring straight at him, as if he were a stranger who had never appeared before her.

This absent state frightened Gao Xiang. He brought her back to her room. “You… do you want water?”

She still didn’t speak. As soon as he loosened his hold, her down coat started slipping down. He hurriedly helped her pull it closed. In his flustered state, she suddenly shook off his hand. “You go out.”

Gao Xiang awkwardly retreated to the doorway: “Xiao An, I know you’re in a bad mood, but it’s already eight months now. Time passes very quickly…”

He stopped. He discovered that on Zuo Si’an’s pale face was a pair of eyes shaped very much like her father’s—not very large, with long, upward-curving lashes, distinct black and white, with a perfect curved arc. Under normal circumstances, they should carry a hint of smile even when not smiling, but now they were full of sorrow, bloodshot, pupils dilated somewhat abnormally. Just as he had nothing to say before Zuo Xuejun’s furious pain, he had no way to comfort this girl either.

She suddenly spoke: “Time really passes quickly—so quickly I can’t even clearly remember how this happened. I can’t understand what’s in my belly or why I’m here. This must be an illusion, a nightmare. What I need to do is wake myself up. As long as I wake up, my belly will become flat again, my parents will be together again, I can go back to school… But why is this dream so long it never ends…”

“It will end, Xiao An. I promise you, all this will pass. In the future, no one will disturb your life again.”

She stared at him, suddenly shaking off the down coat draped over her shoulders, both hands cupping her still-exposed belly. “What do you promise me with? Take this thing inside out right now. All you want is this, right? Fine, take it. I can’t stand it anymore.”

Gao Xiang was shocked. Regardless of propriety, he walked over, picked up the clothes and firmly wrapped her again. She seemed about to struggle. He pressed her shoulders and said in a low voice, “Stop this.”

She was startled, her body stiffening, staring blankly at him. He looked into her eyes. “Xiao An, this isn’t a dream. I can’t comfort you like I comforted Jingjing, telling you nothing happened and you should just go to sleep. You probably won’t be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow you might still face the same situation. In the short term, you’re trapped here. But one thing I can be certain of—all this will pass.”

Her eyes were hollow and empty. He wasn’t sure whether she was actually listening, but could only continue speaking. “Whatever problems exist between your parents, they’ll find a way to resolve them. If you hurt yourself, they’ll be even sadder. I went to see your father today…”

He was at a loss for words, and she finally came back to herself. “Did my dad say anything?”

“He’s very busy with work.” He steeled himself. “He misses you very much. He said… once this matter is over, he’ll take you back. He would want to see you well.”

She stood dumbly, as if trying hard to digest what he said, but tears fell pitter-patter.

“Go to sleep. Everything will pass.”

She still didn’t move. He was completely out of words. Just then, the outside gate sounded—Mei Yi had returned. He involuntarily breathed a quiet sigh of relief, while also feeling ashamed.

Mei Yi walked in, her face full of fatigue. She looked at the scene in surprise. Gao Xiang was about to explain when she immediately shook her head slightly in signal, put down her medical kit, took over embracing Zuo Si’an, saying gently, “Xiao An, get in bed. Mei Yi will talk with you.”

Gao Xiang withdrew, closing the side room door, walking into the courtyard. He heard Mei Yi’s calm voice: “Xiao An, when I went through some things, I was a bit older than you are now, but just as afraid as you…”

The cold wind blew in his face. The big osmanthus tree’s lush branches and leaves swayed. Gao Xiang shivered, walked out of the courtyard, closed the gate, and subconsciously pulled tight the door latch, as if wanting to maintain a safe distance from such deep fear, despair, and anger inside. He felt even more ashamed of this thought.

But he thought, Mei Yi could serve as a comforter, serve as a temporary mother, while the role he played was even part of the chain that caused her current predicament. He really had no way to help her. His heart was full of powerlessness and guilt.

Muffled sobbing like gossamer threads came faintly from inside the wall—not very real. He involuntarily cocked his ear to listen carefully. Besides the howling wind, there seemed to be no other sound. The cold winter night shrouding Liu Wan remained as quiet as always, intact without a single crack, as if nothing had happened.

7

The long village winter night seemed endless. Gao Xiang tossed and turned, unable to sleep, unconsciously remaining alert to movement outside. After struggling for who knows how long, he drowsily fell asleep. When he opened his eyes again, the outside sky was bright. He was startled and quickly checked the time—only six in the morning. Getting up to look, he discovered it had started snowing sometime during the night. Outside the window, a thin layer had already accumulated, and fine snowflakes were still fluttering down.

Walking out, he saw Jingjing in the courtyard trying hard to collect the not-very-thick snow, her nose tip and small hands frozen bright red. “Uncle Gao, quickly help me get down that basket hanging over there.”

Gao Xiang handed her the basket hanging under the eaves. She took a shovel and energetically shoveled snow into the basket, then moved it over. He shook his head watching. “What are you doing?”

“Building a snowman to play with.”

He laughed. “With this little snow, you could only build a rabbit at most.”

“If only the snow could fall heavier.” Jingjing showed an envious expression. “Sister Xiao An said when she was in fifth grade, there was a really big snowfall. Her dad specially took leave to take her to the park for a snowball fight.”

“Her dad sounds really great. My dad never plays with me and my brother.”

“Maybe your dad is just too busy.”

Jingjing said quietly, “My mom is the busy one. My dad isn’t busy at all. My brother says he just doesn’t like us.”

Gao Xiang smiled bitterly. Inadvertently turning his head, he saw Zuo Si’an had come out at some point and was standing under the eaves. She still wore that thick, long down coat, hands tucked in the sleeves, expression calm. She wasn’t infected by Jingjing’s high spirits but also had no trace of being on the verge of collapse facing the mirror the night before. Their gazes met. Zuo Si’an’s gaze passed beyond him, cast toward the distance, as if she hadn’t seen him at all.

“Jingjing, where’s your mom?”

“Making breakfast. There’s no one in the back courtyard—the snow there must be thicker. I’ll go get some from there.”

At this time, Mei Yi came out. “Jingjing, stop horsing around. Hurry and eat breakfast to go to school. Exams are coming up. Don’t be late.”

Jingjing had to reluctantly put down the basket, while muttering, “You won’t let me test for Qinggang middle school anyway. The town middle school—I can get in easily. Why get nervous?”

“I can’t leave the clinic and patients here unattended to follow you to Qinggang to accompany and care for you while you study.”

“You don’t need to follow. I can board at Second Uncle and Aunt’s house, just right to attend school with Xiao Chao gege.”

Before Mei Yi could speak, Zuo Si’an spoke first: “No, don’t stay at their house.”

Her voice was sharp and urgent. Everyone looked at her in surprise. She lowered her head, not looking at anyone, her voice clear: “Jingjing, if you want to go to Qinggang middle school, you can apply to board at school. The school is safe. Don’t go anywhere else no matter who calls you.”

She walked inside first. Mei Yi patted Jingjing soothingly. “When your dad comes back for New Year, I’ll discuss with him about where you’ll attend middle school. First go in and eat breakfast.”

Gao Xiang realized Zuo Si’an probably knew something about Liu Guanchao’s sister. He felt somewhat sympathetic but was unwilling to think more. Turning around, he discovered Mei Yi’s eyes also held shadows, her expression distracted and uncertain.

“Mei Yi, Jingjing is very smart and her grades are good. If she wants to study in Qinggang, it’s a good thing.” He added, “What Xiao An said is right—school is safe.”

Mei Yi smiled bitterly. “I’m not entirely worried about safety. Rural areas more or less favor boys over girls. Jingjing’s father won’t agree to spend money sending her to the city to study. Next month, he and Jingjing’s older brother should come back for New Year. I’ll try again to see if I can persuade him. Second Brother’s family is the same. Back then their Yaqin had good grades, but Second Brother insisted she attend nursing school after middle school to get out and work earlier. Alas, that girl…” She shook her head without continuing.

“Mei Yi, I’ll get a mirror to send over later.”

“No need. An old mirror isn’t worth anything. As long as Xiao An didn’t hurt herself, it’s fine.”

“Mei Yi, Xiao An looked much calmer emotionally today. Thanks to you counseling and comforting her.”

“Alas, an outsider, no matter how wholeheartedly—it’s only comfort after all. Poor child, forced to bear this kind of thing at this age. It’s too hard on her. She told me she wants to go to the hospital early for surgery.”

Gao Xiang hesitated somewhat. “Won’t it be too early? Seems like it hasn’t been eight full months yet.”

“I’ll try to persuade her again.” Mei Yi rubbed her temples and sighed. “But Xiao An hasn’t developed well—her pelvis is narrow. Natural birth is impossible. Teacher Yu feels Xiao An’s emotions are getting more and more unstable. She also can’t bear to drag it out anymore. She’s been discussing with me about the time and place for cesarean section surgery. I’ll try my best to persuade her again, but you should still have your family make preparations in advance.”

Gao Xiang knew when his mother heard news of premature birth, she’d definitely nag, but he couldn’t not notify her. He walked through snow out of the village to near the highway where there was signal and dialed the home number.

Chen Zihui indeed made a big fuss: “Too irresponsible. Premature babies’ health will be much worse. No matter how much she wants to unload the burden, it’s not like she can’t wait this month or half month. Wouldn’t it be better to wait until full term? How could you agree to them doing this?”

“What standing do I have to object?”

“How big is her belly now?”

This nearly nonsensical question made him recall that girl standing before the mirror last night. He suddenly felt irritated. “I don’t know.”

“Should I go to the provincial capital again to talk with her mother, persuade her…”

“Mom, how can you be so selfish?”

Chen Zihui was stunned. After quite a while, she got angry: “Gao Xiang, is this the attitude you speak to your mother with? That child is your uncle’s flesh and blood. What’s wrong with me hoping it’s born as safe and healthy as possible?”

“But Zuo Si’an is also still a child. Have you considered her and her family’s feelings?”

“And who has stood in my position to consider my feelings? Should my brother whom I raised with my own hands deserve to die young?”

“He committed a crime…”

“So he deserved to die, right?” Chen Zihui’s voice was already beside itself with anger. “You’re just as hard-hearted as your father. Even if Ziyu did something wrong, what did he do to wrong you? Never mind anything else—you grew up together. How can you judge him like everyone else, even wishing he’d die?”

He had nothing to say and could only sigh deeply. “Mom, no matter what he did, I would never wish him dead. You know that.”

A sob came through the receiver.

“Don’t go looking for Teacher Yu. You threatening her husband about this matter was already very excessive. The decision about when to give birth doesn’t rest with you or me. Let’s not fight about this anymore. Just arrange everything that’s needed in advance.”

“I’ve given birth to a child. I don’t need you telling me. Everything’s been prepared long ago. When will you send her over? I’ll wait at the hospital.”

“No, that girl can’t be stimulated anymore. You must not…”

“What would I stimulate her for? I’ll wait outside to take the baby home.”

Gao Xiang didn’t want to say more and hung up the phone. He took out cigarettes and a lighter. The north wind howled. With his back to the wind, he struck the lighter many times without being able to light the cigarette. In a fit of anger, he raised his hand and flung the lighter away.

He thought not only could Zuo Si’an and Yu Jia no longer bear dragging this out—since moving to Liu Wan, his nerves were just as tightly strung. As time passed, his guilt and sense of wrongdoing actually increased rather than decreased—something he’d completely failed to anticipate.

8

Gao Xiang was about to walk back when he saw Jingjing running toward him. He called to her, “Hey, be careful. School’s still early. No need to rush.”

Jingjing ran up to him and grabbed his hand, out of breath: “Uncle Gao, Sister Xiao An fell. Mom wants you to come back right away.”

Frightened, he took off running toward home. Jingjing followed close behind, explaining aggrievedly as they ran, “My mom scolded me to death. I really didn’t ask Sister Xiao An to help me sweep snow. I don’t know how she ended up at the well in the back courtyard and fell. She bled so much—it was so scary.”

They ran back home panting. Mei Yi was waiting at the door. “Xiao Gao, she’s bleeding. We have to get her to the hospital immediately.”

Gao Xiang carried Zuo Si’an out and hurried to where the car was parked. Mei Yi followed behind. He placed her in the back seat, straightening up to see a large dark red bloodstain on the lower part of his clothes. He went around to the front of the car to clear snow from the windshield, then got in and started the car, driving out of the village. Once on the highway, he handed the phone to Mei Yi. “Mei Yi, call Xiao An’s mother. Have her come from the provincial capital to the hospital.”

Zuo Si’an, who’d been silent the whole time, spoke: “Call my dad first.”

Gao Xiang groaned inwardly. “Better to call your mom. Your dad… went on a business trip yesterday.”

Zuo Si’an was somewhat surprised but said nothing more. Mei Yi dialed Yu Jia’s number and briefly explained the situation, then held the phone out to Zuo Si’an. She shook her head, refusing to speak. Mei Yi had to continue: “Don’t panic. Xiao Gao is driving toward the county town. We’ll meet at the hospital.” She hesitated, then asked Yu Jia, “Teacher Yu, I’m afraid it’ll take you at least two hours to get here. The hospital might ask whether to save the adult or the child.”

Yu Jia was obviously shocked: “In this age of advanced medicine, they still ask such questions?”

“When I went for training, I heard that provincial capital hospitals don’t allow this question, but Qinggang is a small place. In unexpected situations, they still have to ask. Besides, Xiao An isn’t even an adult yet.”

Gao Xiang interjected: “Mei Yi, no need to ask. Of course save Xiao An.”

Yu Jia immediately said, “Right, save Xiao An. Thank you. I’ll definitely get there as soon as possible.”

Inside the car with the heat on, the temperature quickly rose. Gao Xiang smelled an unfamiliar, indescribable strange odor. Somewhat puzzled, he adjusted the air conditioning vents, suddenly realizing this was actually the smell of blood. Even cracking the window slightly—though wind howled in—couldn’t dispel it.

He looked in the rearview mirror. Mei Yi looked very calm, holding Zuo Si’an. Zuo Si’an had her eyes slightly closed, leaning in her arms, her pale face showing not a trace of panic either, as if what was happening had nothing to do with her at all. As if she weren’t bleeding continuously, speeding toward the hospital, preparing to undergo surgery.

The weather was overcast. The snow fell heavier and heavier. Visibility was very poor. The road was even muddier and bumpier. This was Gao Xiang’s first time driving fast in such weather. He had to concentrate fully. Soon his back was slightly sweating. Forty minutes later, they arrived at Qinggang Hospital. Zuo Si’an was immediately sent into the delivery room.