1

Zhu Xiaoyan had always believed that the nights in bustling downtown areas were even more noisy and restless than daytime. Even living in a high-rise apartment, she could feel the endless stream of traffic on the streets below, the flickering neon lights, crowds swarming through intersections, noisy music coming from shops… She’d lived in this environment for many years and was long accustomed to it, but these past two days she’d been somewhat anxious and restless, unable to persuade herself to calm down.

She looked at her phone once again—nearly eight o’clock. She dialed Gao Xiang’s number. After two rings, he answered. She asked in as calm and natural a voice as possible, “Hello, where are you now?”

Before he could answer, the sound of a public bus announcing stops came through the receiver: “Next stop, Shenyang Road. Passengers getting off, please move to the rear door.”

She’d been dating Gao Xiang for nearly a year and had never seen him take a public bus. She was quite surprised. “You’re on a bus?”

Gao Xiang seemed somewhat distracted and only said “Mm.”

She couldn’t help asking, “Why would you take a bus?”

“It’s not a bus—it’s a trolley.”

This could hardly be called an answer. The doubts in her heart grew larger. “What happened, Gao Xiang?”

“You’re at home, right? I’m coming over now.”

Putting down the phone, Zhu Xiaoyan subconsciously went into the bedroom to change clothes. She picked out a dark green silk long shirt dress to wear—it complemented her fair complexion nicely. But it reached her calves and needed high heels to make her look tall and graceful. Wearing it like this at home was too formal and deliberate. So she picked out a thin knit top with gray athletic pants. After changing, she arranged her hair in the mirror and suddenly felt somewhat sad.

To receive her boyfriend at home also required such painstaking effort—the sense of insecurity in her heart had almost reached a point where she couldn’t face it directly.

She was unwilling to think more and came out to quickly tidy the room. She liked home decorating. The small apartment was arranged very comfortably and stylishly. When Gao Xiang first came to her home, he’d praised this, and she’d always been proud of it.

She organized the scattered magazines, turned on the stereo, selected a Lisa Ono CD and put it in, adjusted the volume to barely audible, trimmed the slightly withered petals from the lilies that had been in the crystal vase on the table for two days and rearranged them nicely, then went into the kitchen to make coffee.

Gao Xiang loved drinking coffee and had even bought that cafe called Green Door, doing the simplest renovation, only selling coffee and simple freshly baked pastries, not expanding, not advertising, not promoting—it had quite a reputation among regular customers. Zhu Xiaoyan had to admit that when he took her to that cafe, she was truly moved, feeling this seemingly overly rational and mature man who was hard to grasp also had a sensitive side. Thinking of this, she was slightly dazed, not quite certain whether this judgment came from her own imagination or rational consideration.

When the doorbell rang, the coffee had just finished brewing. Zhu Xiaoyan invited Gao Xiang in, brought out the coffee, and according to his habit didn’t add sugar.

“You look very tired.”

“A little.”

“Have you finished the business in Qinggang?”

“Finished.”

She said in a half-joking tone, “How did you think to take a trolley? Are you being nostalgic? I bet you don’t even know what the trolley fare is.”

“You guessed right. Fortunately, after finishing coffee and paying, I got two coins in change, or I’d really have embarrassed myself.”

“When was the last time you took a bus?”

He thought back and laughed. “Probably when I was in college. Xiaoyan, I want to talk with you properly.”

She looked at him. There was a seriousness in his eyes that made her even more uneasy. She suddenly wanted to change the subject and said lightly, “Auntie called me this evening and said next week is her birthday. She wants to invite me to eat at home. I didn’t expect her birthday to be so close to mine. What do you think I should buy as a gift for her? I’ve thought about it, and nothing seems quite right.”

He knew his mother had chosen this time to call Zhu Xiaoyan with ulterior motives and smiled bitterly. “Xiaoyan, this is exactly what I want to talk about. As I’ve told you, I’m not an ideal marriage candidate.”

Zhu Xiaoyan was startled and stared at him intently. “What do you mean?”

“I can’t delay your time anymore. Let’s break up.”

Zhu Xiaoyan’s face turned pale at once. “So my suspicions weren’t groundless. That Zuo Si’an is your ex-girlfriend, and she’s come back to rekindle things with you.”

“No, that’s not why she came back…”

“Gao Xiang, I’m not a fool. A year ago your mother arranged for us to meet. You came to see me purely to humor her. At first you told me you didn’t want to get married, but later you agreed to try dating. You also acknowledged I was your girlfriend. Last month you even took me to eat with your son, giving me the feeling you weren’t as opposed to marriage as you claimed at the start. As soon as Zuo Si’an appeared, you want to break up with me. I don’t need to use brain cells to figure out what’s going on.”

Gao Xiang couldn’t answer this question.

“It’s ridiculous that she even lied to me with wide eyes, saying something about going abroad over ten years ago, not seeing you for ten-plus years.”

“She didn’t lie. She really did go abroad thirteen years ago. I also haven’t seen her for eleven years.”

Zhu Xiaoyan was both shocked and angry. “Eleven years without seeing each other? How old was she then—at most fourteen or fifteen, right? Gao Xiang, are you a pedophile?”

Darkness suddenly flashed in Gao Xiang’s eyes, anger passing through. Zhu Xiaoyan froze. She’d known Gao Xiang for so long and had never seen him lose his temper. No matter what he encountered, he always had an attitude of making light of heavy matters. Seeing him actually change color, her heart couldn’t help jumping in alarm. However, Gao Xiang almost immediately controlled his emotions, put down the coffee cup, and kept his tone gentle: “She’s a year older than you—thirty this year. The year she went abroad, she was seventeen. But that’s not the point. Xiaoyan, you’re still young, with the right to have a marriage with love. You don’t need to settle for me.”

“Settle?” Zhu Xiaoyan was equally stung and laughed loudly. “Your word choice is truly tactful and pleasant. As soon as I turned twenty-eight, I became a leftover woman in my family and friends’ eyes. I’m neither exceptionally beautiful nor particularly talented. Suddenly getting a successful boyfriend, everyone thinks I’ve had tremendous good fortune. You’re so polite—willing to say I’m settling.”

“I’m not being polite. I’m ten years older than you, with a son. That you don’t mind me—I’m very grateful. You’re pretty, smart, well-mannered, considerate to others. But…”

“But you don’t love me.”

Gao Xiang knew that saying anything more would be futile and could only remain silent.

“When I first met you, I only regarded you as a marriage candidate worth investing in. But getting along with you, I’ve already… fallen in love with you, Gao Xiang. Otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much effort on you.”

“I’m very sorry, Xiaoyan.”

Zhu Xiaoyan’s voice was already somewhat trembling: “So do you love her? You would love a girl who wasn’t even an adult for so many years, not marry because of her, and as soon as she reappears, you immediately realize you’ve never loved anyone else and can’t possibly love anyone else.”

Gao Xiang didn’t plan to argue: “Xiaoyan, investigating my past life has no meaning.”

“But since we’ve already reached the point of breaking up, we might as well make things clear, so we don’t leave behind unclear unwillingness.”

“I do owe you an explanation, but not everything can be explained one, two, three, four.”

Zhu Xiaoyan sneered: “Try it. I think my comprehension ability is not weak.”

Gao Xiang pondered for a moment: “Xiaoyan, have you ever loved someone in the past, loved to the degree you could abandon everything for them?”

Zhu Xiaoyan’s eyes widened. She couldn’t believe such words with emotional coloring actually came from Gao Xiang. Yet Gao Xiang’s manner was composed: “I’ll be frank—I have. And I believe everyone has times when they lose themselves, only differing in length.”

“So you’ve decided to search for your true love?”

Gao Xiang smiled bitterly. “It’s not as you think. She already has her own life.”

“I really am asking to be hurt. You only met your old flame and already feel you can’t continue being with me.”

“Xiaoyan, I really was preparing to propose to you, but you definitely wouldn’t like my reason for proposing. I just felt two adults getting along pleasantly, you’d be a quite good wife, and together we could give my son a more normal and complete growing environment.”

Zhu Xiaoyan stared at him blankly, not knowing whether she’d received some kind of comfort or suffered an even greater insult.

“But after seeing her, I suddenly realized you’re still young, you have expectations for feelings, you have the right to have more. I can’t satisfy your needs in this area. Doing this is very unfair to you. I’m sorry, Xiaoyan. I hope I can compensate you.”

Her anger rose again: “Compensate with what? Money? Of course, you have plenty of money, so you’ve always looked down on me, thinking I’m with you simply because I value your money.”

“I’ve never looked down on you. If I didn’t think we got along happily, neither of us would need to waste each other’s time. I’m very sorry for making you waste a year. If we continue wasting time, I’d be even more unable to forgive myself.”

Zhu Xiaoyan stared at him blankly. She thought, while he certainly hadn’t deceived her, her intuition had never deceived her from the start either. A man with sufficiently good conditions who’s still unmarried at thirty-seven or thirty-eight always has reasons. She decided to take a gamble. When he took her to meet Gao Fei, she thought she’d gambled correctly. But who dares say they’ve already won before the very end?

After quite a while, she finally said slowly, “So you came specially to break up with me.”

“I’m sorry.”

She smiled bitterly. “That kind of sorry has no meaning. Please leave.”

2

When Gao Xiang returned home, Chen Zihui was sitting on the sofa watching TV, but obviously restless. As soon as she saw him, she stood up, lowered her voice, and asked once again, “She really left?”

He nodded. Only then did she breathe a sigh of relief. “Thank heavens.” Then she began complaining. “She said she’d never come back, then ran back without a sound. Really don’t know what she’s up to. I said back then we simply couldn’t trust her. I hope she won’t play new tricks in the future.”

Gao Xiang was unwilling to listen further. “Where’s Xiao Fei?”

“In his room doing homework. After coming back from the movie, he’s been gloomy. For dinner I made his favorite cuttlefish braised pork ribs, but he didn’t eat much either.”

He nodded and went upstairs to Gao Fei’s room. Gao Fei’s homework was spread across the desk, but he himself was lying on the bed, hands pillowed behind his head, staring blankly at the ceiling.

He sat down at the head of the bed. “Little friend, was the movie good?”

Gao Fei said listlessly, “Not good. They’re obviously all robots, but they insist on fighting with fists like it’s the cold weapons era. Not interesting at all.”

Gao Xiang sighed. “Last year whenever a new movie came out, you’d ask me to take you. In the future, I’m afraid Dad will be relegated to the cold palace with no more chances to watch movies with you.”

Gao Fei was amused by him. “Come on, don’t try to provoke my guilty conscience. You obviously have a girlfriend to accompany you.”

Mentioning girlfriend, Gao Xiang couldn’t help having nothing to say and could only also lean against the headboard, hands pillowed behind his head, staring ahead absently. Gao Fei suddenly sat up and looked at him seriously. “Dad, do you remember your first love?”

He was somewhat shocked and somewhat embarrassed. “Why suddenly ask this?”

“Never mind that. You answer my question first.”

He had to say, “I remember.”

“When did you meet her?”

“In college. She was a school junior one year below me.”

Gao Fei tilted his head to size him up. “Wow, you didn’t have your first relationship until college?”

He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “What’s the problem?”

“You don’t seem like the bookworm homebody type. But you matured strangely late—not having a girlfriend until college. Didn’t you like any girls when you were in middle school?”

“I attended Qinggang Middle School—strict school atmosphere, heavy study pressure…”

“What kind of reason is that? School atmosphere and study can’t suppress puberty.”

He looked at his eloquent son. “Are you trying to tell me you’ve already entered irrepressible puberty and have a girlfriend?”

Gao Fei deflated at once and flopped back down. “Originally had one, but we broke up today.”

Gao Xiang was both annoyed and amused. “Mm, very good. Saves your class teacher from calling me to school again to lecture me about your puppy love.”

“I suffered such a big blow and you still say that. Do you have any sympathy at all?”

“I’m very sympathetic to you.”

Gao Fei looked at him skeptically from the side. “Your tone is too bland—doesn’t sound like sympathy.”

He had to admit with a laugh, “You don’t look too sad, so I don’t need to lavish sympathy. Besides, there’s still so much time in the future, too many uncertain factors. First loves breaking up is very normal.”

Gao Fei’s curiosity was piqued. “Your first love wasn’t my mom.”

Gao Xiang was momentarily speechless. When Gao Fei was young, he of course also asked about his mother. But no matter how Gao Xiang objected, Chen Zihui had a ready-made story about his mother dying in childbirth, with details from her own mother who died of postpartum complications—very credible. When Gao Fei grew a bit older, he inevitably wondered why his father’s room had many of his photos but not a single photo of his mother. Chen Zihui solemnly told him in secret that his father was so heartbroken by his wife’s death that it took him a very long time to pull himself together, so she’d put away all the photos—absolutely don’t mention this in front of his father. Gao Fei was so moved his eyes filled with tears. He deeply sympathized with his father and indeed never brought it up again.

After his father Gao Ming told him about this, Gao Xiang was so angry he was speechless for a long time. But when he protested to Chen Zihui, she retorted, “Otherwise what do you want me to say? How do I explain to a child just starting kindergarten that you’re not his biological father but his cousin, I’m not his grandmother but his aunt? Since you let him take your surname, you must give him a reasonable background. Otherwise why did we move away from Qinggang? Why did you give up the distillery your grandfather worked so hard to build up?” He was speechless and had to admit Chen Zihui wasn’t entirely without reason.

Now facing Gao Fei’s question, he decided that even if he couldn’t tell the truth, he absolutely wouldn’t make up lies, so he shook his head.

Fortunately, Gao Fei’s focus wasn’t on his mother: “How long will a person remember another person?”

“That’s hard to say—depends on whether the feelings are deep enough.”

“Then your feelings with your first love definitely weren’t deep, or you wouldn’t have married my mom right after graduating from college and then had me.”

He fell silent again. Gao Fei saw his expression and suddenly remembered the family taboo. Secretly reproaching himself, he quickly changed the subject. “Actually I’m not particularly sad, just somewhat depressed.”

“All right, tell me—how long did you date, and why did you break up?”

“Three months.” Hearing this time period, he wanted to laugh. Gao Fei looked at him sideways. “Today she told me her mom wants her to focus on studying. I think that’s an excuse—her grades haven’t been affected at all. She’s still the best in our class.”

“Your grades have been very affected. Your class teacher…”

Mentioning grades, Gao Fei could only smile sheepishly. “Yes, yes, yes, our class teacher told you to discipline me properly. But you’re the most enlightened dad—you’ve always opposed exam-oriented education, emphasized cultivating my comprehensive quality, don’t approve of me being a book-reading nerd, won’t give me too much pressure.”

He was helpless. “Stop using those words to block my mouth. You should also remember the other things I said—people need certain goals, the ability to focus on doing necessary things well.”

He became serious. Gao Fei actually didn’t talk back. “I remember everything you said. I just sometimes can’t control myself very well. Besides, there are too many fun things in this world, and studying is too boring. It’s not like I’m not studying—I just don’t want to spend all my time on it.”

“There are so many fun things in this world. What’s the point of studying so seriously?”

This happened to be what Chen Ziyu used to tease Gao Xiang with.

Thinking of Chen Ziyu now, Gao Xiang felt somewhat gloomy. He turned his head to look at Gao Fei. Gao Fei had a clever face, a straight nose bridge, eyes that always held hidden laughter—the same as before. These inherited features made him feel emotional.

“Are you somewhat disappointed in me?”

Gao Xiang shook his head. “No. You’re my son. I have expectations of you, but I hope more that you’re happy.”

Gao Fei grinned. “Then I’m relieved.”

“I have to go out for a few days tomorrow. Stay home and listen to Grandma—don’t make her angry.”

“Where are you going?”

“Tibet.”

“What?” Chen Zihui was bringing them a late-night snack and happened to hear. She immediately became anxious. “What are you going to Tibet for again?”

“I have something to handle.”

Chen Zihui was about to speak but met his gaze and abruptly stopped. After they finished the snack and Gao Fei started doing homework, they went downstairs. She forcibly pulled Gao Xiang into the kitchen.

“You want me to wash dishes?”

She glared at him. “Tell me honestly—you said Zuo Si’an left. Did she go to Tibet?”

He didn’t want to lie to his mother. “Yes, her father is still working there. She went to see him.”

“What are you running over there for again? Even if you won’t think of me, you should think of Xiao Fei…”

“I’ll go and come back. It won’t affect Xiao Fei.”

“What will you tell Xiaoyan?”

“I broke up with her.”

Chen Zihui froze. After a long while she spoke, her voice trembling with anger. “How can you do this? Do you really want to never marry?”

“I don’t want to marry for the sake of marriage. That’s also unfair to Xiaoyan. Don’t bother arranging blind dates for me anymore.”

“You’re telling me to stay out of it and stop interfering in your life.”

He smiled. “Don’t overthink it. I can handle my own matters. Now Ali also has flights. A trip won’t take much time. I should be able to rush back to celebrate your birthday. What gift do you want this year?”

“Stop going in circles with me. I’m your mother. Tell me directly—why must you go to Ali?”

“I’m worried about her.”

Chen Zihui was very annoyed. “Worried, worried—you always say this. What is there to worry about? Never mind that you don’t owe her anything—even if you did, last time when you sent her over, you almost lost your life there. That should have repaid her. And that time in America too…”

He frowned and interrupted her: “Don’t drag things further and further.”

“She’s an adult now, settled abroad, maybe already married. What exactly are you worried about? Is she pestering you again?”

“Don’t worry, nothing will happen to me. Last time in Ali I just carelessly caught a cold. This time I’ll be careful.”

Chen Zihui knew clearly that Gao Xiang was filial but not obedient to her. She’d never been able to truly change his decisions. Although her heart was full of anger, she could only say irritably, “As soon as you said she came back, I knew nothing good would come of it. What can I do if I’m not at ease? Karmic debt—I knew this was karmic debt.”

Gao Xiang returned to his room and began organizing his luggage. He traveled frequently for business and leisure, having been to most of the world, but no trip left as deep an impression as his last visit to Ali in Tibet—and that time was also for Zuo Si’an.