“Ugh… cough cough… cough cough cough…”

Yu Tuan’er brought another basin of hot water. A’Shui sat at the bedside supporting Tang Lici, who was continuously vomiting. His entire body was covered in cold sweat. Ever since he had driven A’Shui out earlier, he had been vomiting until now—first food and water, then gradually even blood came up. Now that there was nothing left to vomit, he still couldn’t stop dry heaving.

Yu Tuan’er discovered something was wrong with his condition and broke down the door to enter. Tang Lici could no longer speak; apart from vomiting and coughing, he hadn’t said a single word. A’Shui continuously wiped him with a hot towel, but his clothes were quickly soaked through with cold sweat. In the cold winter climate, touching him felt terrifyingly icy, as if the person inside the garments had no temperature at all.

“He… what’s wrong with him? He won’t die, will he?” Yu Tuan’er asked A’Shui in a low voice, frightened by what she saw.

A’Shui silently wiped him down. Wasn’t she the one who had been terrorized and harmed? Why did this perpetrator of violence and abuse look more like a victim than she did? He looked more like… someone about to die than she did? He… he…

What exactly did he want from her in his heart so that he wouldn’t be harmed? Was it because she refused to obey, refused to love him willingly and sincerely from the heart, refused to die for him, that he had become like this? Her eyes stung with tears. How could anyone be so domineering, so mad, so selfish, so cruel? But… but he was just this mad yet fragile, someone she simply couldn’t abandon…

Like a… child desperately trying to win the attention of someone he liked… so desperate, so fantastical, so shy yet so humble and pitiful, so fragile that he seemed like he would die if he didn’t receive attention.

Tears welled up in A’Shui’s eyes. You… you… you’re so fragile, but what hurts most isn’t your fragility—it’s that the person whose attention you want to win fundamentally isn’t me.

Isn’t that right? Whose care do you want to gain? Whose love that “could die for you” do you want?

I feel that person fundamentally isn’t me.

Tears flowed down A’Shui’s cheeks. I fundamentally don’t dare love you because you fundamentally won’t love me. But every time you do something to hurt me, why do I always feel sad and disappointed? No matter how clearly I think about it in my heart, I’m always disappointed. I think… that’s because I see you being good to others, protecting others, yet specifically hurting me. I feel… very unwilling, don’t I?

Her gaze toward Tang Lici gradually became gentle. She changed the towel in the bucket. Who did you mistake me for as a substitute? Who wronged you, didn’t care for you or indulge you, making you so sad and disappointed?

She thought… she had already touched the emptiness in Tang Lici’s heart, only… she couldn’t save him.

“Sister A’Shui! Feel this—there’s something strange here.” Yu Tuan’er was pulling at Tang Lici’s clothes, wanting to change him into clean undergarments. When she pressed his abdomen, she felt a strange mass that was somewhat harder than normal. A’Shui reached out to press lightly. The mass was about the size of a fist. When she applied force, Tang Lici’s brow furrowed and his entire body broke out in cold sweat. Though he didn’t speak, he was certainly in great pain.

This was that mass she had glimpsed once but didn’t think resembled a human heart. After pondering for a long while, she had Yu Tuan’er leave, closed the room door, and undid Tang Lici’s clothing. Tang Lici’s skin was soft and smooth, but his exposed flesh bore many scars—two were relatively fresh wounds, while many old injuries were of unknown origin. After undoing his garments, she gently pressed. That mass was buried very deep in his abdomen. Tang Lici’s clothes were half-undone, his silver-gray long hair flowing loose at his sides. A martial artist’s entire body was firm with muscle, curves even, without an ounce of excess flesh. Perhaps exhausted from vomiting, Tang Lici remained motionless, letting her manipulate him. His eyelashes occasionally trembled slightly, but he wouldn’t open his eyes.

She wiped the cold sweat from his body, changed him into clean undergarments, and sat on the bed’s edge silently watching him. After looking for quite a while, thousands upon thousands of thoughts flowed through her heart—an indescribable weariness and bewilderment.

“Young Master Tang,” she said in a low voice. “You… the heart buried in your abdomen may have undergone some kind of change.”

Tang Lici lay with eyes closed, motionless, as if he hadn’t heard at all. She continued, “It… might be more frightening than Brother Shen’s knife wound.”

Tang Lici remained motionless, but she knew he wasn’t unconscious. After waiting a good while and Tang Lici still not answering, she asked as gently as possible, “What’s wrong? Do you feel very uncomfortable?”

Her hand lifted, and gathering her courage, she gently placed it on Tang Lici’s head, slowly stroking his gray long hair.

Tang Lici’s right hand moved slightly. She stopped her hand and watched as his right hand’s five fingers opened, firmly grasping her sleeve. He didn’t open his eyes, just gripped tightly like that. The veins on his pale hand bulged with tension, as if using all his current strength, as though if he didn’t firmly grasp something, he would immediately die.

She said nothing more, sitting quietly to accompany him.

The sky gradually darkened. The evening sunlight slowly came through the window, shining on her light azure embroidered shoes. The embroidered thread’s luster flickered with an old, gentle gleam.

Night slowly descended, the entire room growing dark until they gradually couldn’t make out each other’s faces.

Tang Lici still firmly gripped her sleeve. She heard his breathing suddenly become rapid—that urgent, disordered breathing continued for quite a while.

“Why isn’t it beating anymore?”

He spoke a sentence, but she completely didn’t understand. “What… isn’t beating anymore?”

His breathing became even more agitated and restless. “Why isn’t it beating anymore…” A’Shui stared at him blankly. She didn’t know what he was saying. His hand gripped tighter and tighter. “So strange… so strange…”

He repeatedly said “so strange.” She didn’t know what he found so strange. Slowly raising her hand, she once again gently placed it on his head, stroking his long hair for the second time. She felt even more afraid than the first time, but if she didn’t do something, perhaps… perhaps he would collapse?

So strange… why do things that never seemed like they would change always change? There were already so few things to believe in, yet always… always… they would turn bad, would disappear…

Tang Lici used his right hand to tightly grasp A’Shui’s sleeve, raising his left hand to press against his eyes. Why didn’t they love him? He was their biological… but they always hoped he had never existed… Why would Fu Zhumei be better? He never thought so before, and didn’t think so now either… Why did A’Yan have to turn bad… Why did Fang Zhou have to die… Why did Chi Yun have to die…

So strange… why wasn’t even Fang Zhou’s heart beating anymore?

He had already tried so desperately hard, he had done everything he could possibly do… Why still couldn’t he protect anything?

A warm hand fell on his forehead. He didn’t dodge.

“I… think… there’s no way I could ever understand what you’re thinking, is there?” A’Shui said in a low voice. “Actually, many times I think I’m only one step away from understanding you, but that step is always very, very distant. You say ‘so strange’—what exactly are you finding strange?”

Her hand slowly left his long hair. “I often find it strange—what does ‘naturally alluring’ mean, and how does it attract people? Why are there always unfamiliar men who like me… I’m very unwilling, always very unwilling, and I’m afraid too, but no one has ever wanted to know my thoughts. Many people say they love me, yet can’t explain what exactly is good about me. Some have ruined their families for me, abandoned wives and children for me, even died for me… yet he only treats me as a female slave. If he only wants a female slave, what difference is there whether it’s me or someone else?”

She sighed softly. “I feel very empty. All these years of experiences have made me feel very tired, but no matter how many people I’ve met, no matter how many among them have been very kind to me, still… no one wants to know what I truly feel in my heart.”

As she spoke, unconsciously she gently stroked Tang Lici’s long hair again. “Am I too calm in my behavior? I feel I shouldn’t complain. Perhaps those who suffer most are the men bewitched by this face of mine. They devote themselves wholeheartedly to me, even lose their lives for me. I’m the one who owes them, so I can’t complain. I should try my best to be good to them, try to keep them from feeling angry and disappointed…”

Her voice stopped. After quite a while, she slowly said, “I continuously take care of people—encounter this one and care for him, encounter that one and care for him… Yet in men’s hearts, I first become a servant, then later become a prostitute.”