A’Shui made a pot of fish porridge, roasted two fish, and prepared a bowl of fish head soup. After Yu Furen delivered Yu Tuan’er and A’Shui to Jihe Valley, he had already departed. At dusk, the four sat around the wooden table in the kitchen eating.

“Fish would be perfect if they didn’t grow scales or bones, and were just meat all over,” Fang Pingzhai slurped his fish porridge noisily. “I like eating fish but I’m too lazy to pick out the bones, just like I love eating peaches but hate that they’re fuzzy.” Yu Tuan’er rested her chin on her hands, staring intently at Liu Yan. “Then you should marry a wife in the future to pick out fish bones and peel peach skins for you.” Fang Pingzhai lifted his chin. “Oh! Then would you be willing to pick fish bones and peel peach skins for me?” Yu Tuan’er glared at him. “No!” Fang Pingzhai clutched his heart with a pained expression. “Then would you be willing to pick fish bones and peel peach skins for my master?” Yu Tuan’er snorted. “He doesn’t even like eating peaches.” Fang Pingzhai pointed at Yu Tuan’er’s nose. “Look, look, everyone look—obvious favoritism, differential treatment. Master-aunt bullying master-nephew.”

A’Shui couldn’t help but smile slightly. Fengfeng sat in her lap, staring intently at Liu Yan with such concentration that Liu Yan seemed like a strangely shaped candy or a new toy he’d never played with in his eyes. Liu Yan silently let him stare, not finding Fengfeng’s gaze difficult to bear. Sometimes he also gazed at Fengfeng—one big and one small man’s gazes meeting, each with their own thoughts, neither knowing what the other was thinking.

Sitting beside Liu Yan, Yu Tuan’er seemed very happy, as if her whole being had been renewed. A’Shui fed Fengfeng fish porridge spoonful by spoonful. Fengfeng gripped the chair’s armrests with both hands, and being completely focused on Liu Yan, he ate whatever A’Shui fed him. Fang Pingzhai watched Fengfeng with interest—this little child had grown somewhat, those dark round eyes staring so wide, as if he really could think.

Liu Yan ate his fish porridge in complete silence. He never looked at A’Shui, and even Yu Tuan’er gradually noticed this was deliberate avoidance. Her smile gradually dimmed. Fang Pingzhai’s gaze darted between A’Shui’s and Yu Tuan’er’s faces with great interest.

“A’Shui.” Liu Yan didn’t look at A’Shui but suddenly spoke after finishing a bowl of fish porridge. “A word in private.” A’Shui was startled and put down her chopsticks. Liu Yan supported himself with his crutch and walked out unsteadily. She had wanted to bring Fengfeng but hesitated for a moment, handed Fengfeng to Fang Pingzhai, and followed Liu Yan outside.

Liu Yan walked unsteadily to a grove outside the manor. A’Shui remained silent the entire way. She didn’t know what Liu Yan wanted to say to her, but clearly it wasn’t about love.

The forest night was exceptionally dark. Liu Yan walked to a large tree and leaned against it. That posture of seeking support made her unconsciously want to reach out and help him. But she didn’t—she just stood quietly before him. She shouldn’t give him any illusions. The person who was best to him was Yu Tuan’er, not A’Shui.

“He…” Liu Yan’s voice carried a slight hoarseness when he spoke. “Has he… done anything to you…” A’Shui bit her lip. “Who?” Liu Yan said, “Tang Lici.” A’Shui’s lip line trembled slightly. “He’s very good to me.” Liu Yan seemed to let out a cold laugh, but in the darkness it also sounded like a bitter laugh. “Really?” A’Shui nodded. She didn’t know whether what Tang Lici had said and done that night when he was stimulated in Chengfeng Town counted as… being bad to her. He had tried to harm her, perhaps he really wanted to kill her, but in the end… he did nothing.

He said he hoped she would willingly die for him.

Such words… vaguely couldn’t be considered bad to her either.

The night wind was very cold. Liu Yan was silent for quite a while. She didn’t know if he was disappointed by that phrase “he’s very good to me.” Taking a deep breath, just as she was about to say she wanted to leave, Liu Yan asked another question: “Is he well?”

She was startled. She knew very clearly how much Liu Yan hated Tang Lici. Fang Pingzhai had told her that Liu Yan teaching him sound-killing techniques was half for the purpose of having him kill Tang Lici. But after several months of not seeing each other, he could actually discuss Tang Lici with her calmly, even asking if he was well? Had something happened?

“He’s… quite well.” She actually couldn’t judge whether Tang Lici was well or not. He always wore a smile, gentle and refined, as if capable of anything. Even if he sometimes became hysterical, brief hysteria couldn’t be considered “unwell,” could it?

“What is he doing now?” Liu Yan asked quietly, his tone actually carrying some concern.

“He’s recruiting people at Haoyun Mountain. Once the antidote for the Crimson Ghost Nine Heart Pills appears, he’ll deploy troops to Bodhi Valley to eliminate Fengliu Shop.” A’Shui said. “He’s very busy now, sometimes going days and nights without rest.” Actually, she didn’t understand what Tang Lici was really doing. Even trying her best to explain, she didn’t know what to say for him.

“What does he eat? What does he drink? No rest?” Liu Yan suddenly became angry. “Does he think he’s an immortal god again? Is he tormenting himself again, playing the hero holding the pass against ten thousand enemies?”

A’Shui bit her lip. “He…” She paused and finally said something that wasn’t as stiff as a puppet’s response: “He’s very tired, just holding on, not telling anyone.”

Liu Yan shifted, and that face exposed under moonlight looked quite terrifying. “He doesn’t say, can’t you ask?” He said angrily. “In his whole life he rarely cares about anyone, yet you don’t care about him.”

A’Shui was speechless. “I… I…” She sighed and said gently, “What happened? Didn’t you used to hate him very much?” Moreover, Liu Yan had previously flown into a rage over the ambiguous relationship between Tang Lici and her, but now he blamed her for not caring enough about him.

Liu Yan punched the tree trunk, and thin snow from the branches fell to the ground. “He… he…” The words stuck in his throat for a long time before he said hoarsely, “He can’t eat flavorful foods, can’t drink alcohol, can’t fight with people, needs to rest well…”

A’Shui trembled slightly as an ominous premonition descended. “Why?”

“Because he’s about to die.” Liu Yan said quietly, then punched the tree again. “Because he’s… about to die, but he himself… doesn’t know it.”

The night wind rustled, the winter night wind chilling people to the bone. A’Shui’s eyes widened instantly, as if suddenly losing their spirit.

“Has he abstained from alcohol and forbidden martial arts?” Liu Yan asked in a low voice.

She shook her head, bewildered and not knowing what she was thinking.

“Has he gone alone to do anything dangerous?”

She shook her head again. “I don’t know. He just… spends all day… all day drinking with various heroes who come to Haoyun Mountain. They all think he’s wonderful, everyone respects him greatly… everyone trusts him…” Liu Yan said coldly, “He buried Fang Zhou’s heart in his own belly, damaging his own organs, and has delayed for three years—it can no longer be saved. It looks fine now because his constitution is too good, but no one… no one knows how long he can last…”

Hearing such shocking news, she should have felt very sad, but she couldn’t cry at all. She often felt her soul was nowhere to be found, and now her entire being felt empty. “Don’t you hate him very much? Aren’t you happy? Young Master Tang is about to die—your wish should be fulfilled.” She didn’t know why she said this. Normally she wouldn’t speak this way—speaking like this would hurt others.

Liu Yan’s entire body swayed as if he might fall. This time she didn’t think to support him, just stared at him blankly, her gaze unfocused.

“I used to think…” Liu Yan said with great difficulty, “he was utterly evil.”

This was a ridiculous answer. The number one evil demon of the jianghu martial world, Liu Yan, resented Tang Lici, the leader of jianghu chivalry, because he felt Tang Lici was utterly evil.

But A’Shui didn’t laugh. She didn’t want to understand how much complex enmity lay beneath this simple answer—her eyes just suddenly reddened.

“But actually he just has too strong a desire for control. He wants to protect others but doesn’t know how to guard them… so he controls others.” Liu Yan said hoarsely. “He wants to protect others because he wants everyone to care about him. He likes having everyone care about him. But he… always achieves the opposite effect. He controls others, always making everyone fear, hate, and dislike him…”

“So he no longer dares let people know what he’s thinking. Once people discover he works so desperately because he wants to be liked, and even working desperately still doesn’t get everyone’s affection, he would die of shame and anger.” A’Shui said quietly. “So he simply makes everyone fear, hate, and dislike him from the start. That way he won’t be disappointed or hurt.”

Liu Yan didn’t answer. A’Shui breathed out deeply. “He’s like a child.” Liu Yan nodded. “He’s afraid of being understood because he’s never been understood. He’s afraid to a degree he absolutely cannot accept. Once I asked him why he made people hate him, and he hid away and wouldn’t talk to me at all.”

“I know. He wants me to willingly die for him. I said I couldn’t do it. I said I couldn’t because I felt others were better than him. At that time his expression… was like… like he was going to die right then.” She said tremblingly. “I didn’t know he couldn’t bear this.”

A jade-white hand reached out from the dark tree shadows and grasped hers. Liu Yan left the tree. “He rarely cares about anyone. He said he likes you. Though when he likes you he torments you, I hope… I hope you can be more patient, hope you can understand he’s actually not too bad.”

His palm felt very warm in the cold night. She saw his face—his face was terrifying, but those eyes were still beautiful, still full of sorrow. In such darkness, his eyes were so gentle. Her lips moved slightly. “You… aren’t you… very… fond of me?”

His entire body shook. “I…”

“Tang Lici is about to die. He’s so childish, he can’t bear stimulation, he has so many flaws. Why don’t you tell me how terrible he is, then say you want me to be good to you?” She was trembling, beginning to lose control. “You’ve hit me, scolded me, raped me, and looked down on me, but we’ve spent far more time together than Tang Lici and I have. We were once so intimate, like husband and wife. Why don’t you say you want me to love you? Why don’t you say you want to be with me? Do you know we… we had a child, but he… died in that water dungeon… I never said it, I never said it, but I can’t forget. Do you know how much I suffered when you hit me, scolded me, raped me, and looked down on me? Do you know what it felt like when I lost the child in the water dungeon, when death would have been better than life? I don’t hate you. I know you treated me that way because you wanted to be good to me but didn’t dare. I know you suffered too. There are many things in this world beyond our control—I’m not the only unfortunate one! But you—you’re telling me to love Tang Lici now—if you don’t want me at all, why torture me?” Her tears fell, so cold as they crossed her cheeks. “I don’t want to fall in love with Tang Lici, I don’t want to! I actually don’t want to understand him at all. I just want to stay as far from him as possible, neither hearing his voice nor seeing him. Whether he dies or lives wealthy and glorious—what does it have to do with me? Everyone tells me to treat him well, even I often tell myself, because he’s such an important person, because he relates to the safety of the entire jianghu, because he’s so persistent and good to me. He saved me, saved Fengfeng, gave me everything imaginable in this world, so I can’t wrong him. I must be good to him, try to make him happy and satisfied! But—has anyone thought for me—thought about what the consequences of falling in love with him would be? I… I’ve never dared love him. Do you know how much effort I’ve spent, how much time I’ve used thinking about how not to fall in love with him? It’s easy to fall in love with him, but I can’t fall in love with him. He’s a hell! A hell that would really make someone willingly die for him!”

Liu Yan stood rigid as a wooden carving, as if unable to move at all.

A’Shui staggered forward two steps. “Save me. I don’t want to fall in love with Tang Lici, really don’t want to! If you say you want me now, I’ll follow you. I won’t betray you, will take care of you for life. Is that alright?”

Before she finished speaking, burning arms tightly embraced her. Liu Yan pulled her into his arms, his burning breath touching her face. He seemed to want to kiss her, but thinking of his current appearance, he ultimately didn’t kiss her, just held her tightly.

She desperately let him hold her. She wanted neither dignity nor face now, didn’t even consider Yu Tuan’er—she just wanted a master who could take in her rebellious soul.

His entire body was very hot. After a long time, Liu Yan said hoarsely, “What happened before… I wronged you.” She shook her head. She didn’t want apologies—she just wanted to exchange that pain for a destination, for a place without Tang Lici. Liu Yan paused and continued speaking. “Now… as long as it’s not Tang Lici, whoever wants you, you… can accept?”

She suddenly became cold from head to toe, and for an instant even her breathing seemed to suddenly disappear.

He was still speaking, and how she wished this moment would stop or reverse, so he could never finish.

Liu Yan said hoarsely, “It’s not that I don’t want you. I swear… I love you more than he does… I don’t even know if he truly loves you, but… I understand better than you that in your heart… your heart actually already…” He didn’t continue, changing to: “If I said I wanted you now, could your heart come back? Even if he’s about to die, I wouldn’t let go and let you leave. But it’s not like that—it’s not like that at all—no matter who says they want you, no matter who you follow, could you love someone else? You notice him, care about him, think about him all day, but you won’t admit it yourself.” He breathed deeply. “You love him. He’s about to die, so I hope you can be better to both him and yourself. Self-deception… self-deception can’t make you happy.”

“Slap!” She pushed Liu Yan down to the ground, her face pale as death. “You’re wrong! You’re wrong, you’re wrong, you’re wrong! The person I love is Fu Zhumei, not Tang Lici!”

Liu Yan fell to the ground, his elbow bleeding from the impact. “Do you know what you look like right now?”

She stood trembling in the cold night wind, her face full of terror and helplessness. Hearing his words, she involuntarily reached up to touch her face. Liu Yan looked at her coldly. She looked at Liu Yan with extreme despair and frenzy—even on the night she was raped, she had never had such an expression.