The truth Qiuniang spoke was no longer a secret to Zhenzhen. Although she was unwilling to accept it, this was a fact that reason had already made her silently acknowledge. Yet hearing Qiuniang speak it now, Zhenzhen still felt inexplicably sorrowful, as if the image of herself nestled closely with her mother was being forcibly torn apart by some irresistible force. She worried that Qiuniang would see her emotions, and even more feared seeing Qiuniang’s surely deeper sorrow at this moment, so she turned her head, reminded herself of her current duties, and forced herself to remain calm. After a while, she looked back at Qiuniang and asked in her usual tone: “Later you all escaped Lin’an together? How was Liu Sishan discovered and taken away by the Qi family? Were you and Imperial Physician Zhang present then?”

Qiuniang lowered her eyes and said sadly: “We first fled to a village near Shaoxing, lived under false names for several months, waiting for Michu to give birth. That village was very small, and no one from the capital came to search. After a long time, we were no longer as vigilant as when we first escaped. Zhang Yunqiao began treating villagers at their request, and I occasionally went to nearby towns to buy things the village didn’t have. A few days after your full moon, Zhang Yunqiao went to a neighboring village to treat someone. I was preparing to go to town again to buy new clothes for you when Michu suddenly asked me to take her along, saying confinement was boring and she really wanted to get some fresh air. She pleaded repeatedly, and seeing she was always healthy and in good spirits then, I agreed. So we hired an ox cart, took you in my arms, brought her along, and went to town together. Afraid she’d get tired, after browsing briefly, I had her rest in a teahouse with you while I continued shopping. Unexpectedly, while looking at baby clothes at a shop entrance, suddenly a man in yellow palace uniform came galloping toward me on horseback, his eyes fixed on me with murderous intent. His clothing looked like someone under Cheng Yuan’s command. My mind roared in confusion, I dropped the clothes and ran… When we first escaped from our Lin’an residence, Cheng Yuan had personally led some palace guards to chase me. I don’t know if it was on the Late Emperor’s orders or the Empress Dowager’s. I hid in flower bushes by West Lake, watching his horse gallop past. His expression then was serious with some anxiety, brows tightly knitted, his gaze very sharp, making me shudder. I thought then that I’d rather die than fall into his hands…”

“Were the people chasing you in that town sent by Cheng Yuan?” Zhenzhen asked.

Qiuniang sighed: “I was convinced it was so then and fled desperately. Fortunately, that small town had winding streets with many alleys. I managed to temporarily shake off that person and returned to the teahouse. I told Michu that Cheng Yuan’s palace guards were coming to arrest me. She immediately picked up the child to leave with me, but just as we reached the door, we heard hoofbeats approaching from the distance—this time it sounded like more than one person. We retreated back and hid upstairs in the teahouse. Our commotion was too loud and woke you from sleep. You began crying loudly, which made Michu and me even more frightened, worried your crying would attract the attention of whoever was coming. The hoofbeats indeed grew closer and closer, about to reach the teahouse. Michu suddenly told me that she and Cheng Yuan had a decent private relationship. When she escaped from the palace, she had encountered him face to face, but he turned a blind eye and didn’t stop her. So if the arrivals were Cheng Yuan’s people, they should also spare her. Even if they didn’t, when she met Cheng Yuan later, if she pleaded with him, he would likely let her return. After saying this, those on horseback had already reached the teahouse entrance, and someone dismounted to enter and search. Michu immediately urged me to take off my outer garment and exchange it with hers, then thrust the child into my arms. Wearing my clothes, she rushed downstairs and outside, indeed attracting those people’s attention. They all turned to chase her, leaving the teahouse. I hid behind a second-floor window observing the situation outside when suddenly someone on horseback turned back toward the teahouse. In that instant, I discovered that person was actually a guard who had once been sent by Qi Xiao to escort me to his outer residence to teach his daughter music and dance…”

Zhenzhen also felt her heart sink: “So these people were sent by the Qi family?”

Qiuniang closed her eyes and nodded. After a long while, she continued: “I only realized later that the Qi family also had many eyes and ears in the palace, so the eunuchs who came to arrest us weren’t necessarily all Cheng Yuan’s people—they were also mixed with the Qi family’s henchmen… Fortunately, that person only looked around and then went in the direction Michu had run. After they were far from the teahouse, I quietly escaped through the back door with you… I knew Michu couldn’t escape the pursuit of so many people by running like that, but I didn’t have the courage to look for her, so I took you and fled all the way back to the village…”

Thinking of what Yin Qi had described about her birth mother’s tragic death at the hands of the Qi family, Zhenzhen felt a mix of grief and anger, her heart aching sharply. Looking at her adoptive mother before her, she understood that she bore some responsibility for her birth mother’s death, but considering her background and circumstances then, she couldn’t bring herself to blame her harshly. Finally, she only asked indifferently: “Did you tell Imperial Physician Zhang about this truthfully when you returned?”

“When I returned, my mind was in chaos. I didn’t know how to face him, so I quickly changed out of Michu’s clothes and hid them. When Zhang Yunqiao returned, I told him we were being pursued, but I didn’t dare tell him everything truthfully. I only told him I had taken Zhenzhen to buy clothes while Michu rested alone in the teahouse, and when I returned to the teahouse, I saw from a distance that she had been taken away by some palace guards…” Qiuniang said. “He went crazy when he heard this and wanted to rush out to save Michu. No matter how I pleaded, he wouldn’t listen. He left me and the child and went toward Lin’an. A few days later, he returned dejected, saying he had learned about Michu’s fate from friends outside Lin’an city… She had already been executed by the Qi family.”

“So you and he continued fleeing with me?” Zhenzhen asked.

“Yes. Qi Xiao hadn’t died long then, and the Qi family’s power was deeply entrenched and couldn’t be eliminated immediately. Their followers were still hunting Zhang Yunqiao. He couldn’t return to Lin’an, and fearing the people who had captured Michu would come search again, he could only continue fleeing with me and you,” Qiuniang said. “We changed direction and fled all the way to Xuanzhou, now Ningguo Prefecture, before settling down.”

“Old Lady Song told me about what happened then,” Zhenzhen told her, “saying you didn’t know how to cook and didn’t know what to prepare for us father and daughter, so you went to learn culinary skills from her.”

“That’s right,” Qiuniang smiled bitterly. “Before fleeing, I had never entered a kitchen and had no idea how to cook… I had never taken care of children either, and even disliked them. Whenever I heard babies cry, I got irritated and wanted to stuff a cloth in their mouths.”

Zhenzhen was somewhat surprised and couldn’t help saying: “But in my memory, you were always a very gentle mother, not only to me but also kind to all the sisters at Shizhen Lou.”

“Because you changed me,” Qiuniang looked up at Zhenzhen again, her eyes full of tenderness, but the slight smile at the corner of her lips was quite bitter. “I felt deeply guilty toward Michu, so I was determined to take good care of you, but I never imagined how hard it would be to raise a baby… You ate and slept, slept and ate, waking several times each night. Every time you woke, you cried earth-shakingly, indicating hunger and wanting food, refusing to wait even a moment. You always woke me up, forcing me to fumble in the dark at midnight to find goat milk or rice soup to warm for you. For a whole year, I never slept through the night… I also heard that babies couldn’t grow well on just goat milk and rice soup, so wherever we went, I would go door to door asking which families had nursing wives who could feed you a little… Sometimes after you drank milk, as soon as I held you, you would vomit it all out. Later, I learned from women who had raised children that after feeding babies, you must hold them upright and gently pat their backs to burp them so they won’t easily vomit… Besides this, there were mountains of diapers and clothes to wash every day. In those early days, I was so tired I wanted to cry every day. Sometimes I couldn’t help thinking that it must be because of the great sin I committed regarding Michu that I was stuck with such a big trouble… until one night…”

Thinking of that night, her voice became even gentler, her smile deepening: “You were over two months old then. You woke in the middle of the night, and I drowsily got up to warm milk for you as usual. After you finished drinking, I sat on the bedside, half-closing my eyes while holding you upright against my shoulder, patting your back to burp you. As I patted, you began hiccupping—’hiccup’—sounding like a little bird chirping… After burping, you, who had been lying against my left shoulder, suddenly pressed both hands on my shoulders. Your little neck, not yet grown strong, tremblingly raised your head, opened your round black eyes to look at me for a moment, then your chubby little face slid to the right, your head softly flopping onto my right shoulder as you fell into peaceful sleep. You so carelessly and thoughtlessly entrusted yourself completely to me, intimately depending on me. I suddenly felt moved in my heart. Though clearly very happy, my eyes grew warm. I held you tightly, feeling a kind of moist happiness that made my heart feel like it was about to rain.”

Zhenzhen gazed at Qiuniang’s joyful brows and the starlight-like gleam in her eyes, also sensing that “moist happiness” she experienced as a mother in that moment. She barely suppressed the urge to reach out and embrace her, continuing to ask flatly: “What about Imperial Physician Zhang then? Didn’t he help with child care?”

“He…” Qiuniang hesitated before saying, “Initially he was in a bad mood and very depressed because of Michu’s situation, so I tried to do all the housework and not bother him with child-related matters. Later he pulled himself together and began treating people again, earning money to support the family, so he became busy and didn’t have much time to spend with the child… I learned cooking from Song Wuniang, bought her small courtyard, and became her neighbor. She often helped me take care of the child. When you were two years old, one day Wuniang suddenly asked you in front of me and Zhang Yunqiao: ‘Daddy, Mommy, and Granny—who do you like most?’ You giggled and unhesitatingly threw yourself at me, saying: ‘Mommy.’ …Yes, from the time you started speaking, you called me ‘Mommy.’ Actually, I never deliberately taught you, but you naturally called me that… Wuniang asked again, ‘Daddy is going to town to play soon and will buy lots of candy. Do you want to go with him or stay with Mommy?’ You still laughed and hugged me tight, not even looking at your daddy, repeatedly saying: ‘Mommy, Mommy, Mommy…'”

Speaking to this point, Qiuniang showed a slight smile but lowered her head to wipe tears from the corner of her eyes, covering her mouth. After a moment, she continued: “At that moment, I suddenly realized I was no longer alone. Finally, someone loved me wholeheartedly… You were laughing while hugging me, but I was so happy I wanted to cry. I could only hold you, bury my head, and silently let tears flow into your embrace.”

Zhenzhen couldn’t suppress her emotions and used her sleeve to wipe away the tears that welled up. After a moment, she spoke again, but her voice was quite hoarse: “How did this peaceful life end? Before leaving Ningguo Prefecture, what happened between you and Zhang Yunqiao?”

Qiuniang was silent for a long while before finally beginning to answer: “For over two years before that, although we lived under the same roof, we always maintained distance, sleeping in separate rooms. He wasn’t naturally a warm person, and after experiencing Michu’s situation, he became even less talkative. Between us, except for necessary explanations, we had nothing else to say. However, after living together for a long time, seeing me wholeheartedly caring for the child, he also trusted me quite a bit, or perhaps viewed me as family. He would give me all the consultation fees he earned for household expenses. I would take a portion and try to return the rest to him, asking him to keep some for himself, but he would push it all back to me, saying he rarely needed to spend money, and if he really needed it, he would ask me… He couldn’t cook, but one day, after I gave him a newly sewn garment, he seemed somewhat moved… That afternoon, you were sleeping, and I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when he suddenly came in and silently helped me cut vegetables. But this wasn’t something he was good at—after cutting a few times, he cut his finger. I quickly got cloth to bandage it for him, holding his hand and wrapping it for a long time. When I finished and looked up, I found him staring at me in a daze. He had never looked at me with such eyes before. I was flustered by his gaze and turned to leave, but he suddenly grabbed me and kissed me… Later, later…”

Seeing she couldn’t continue for a moment, Zhenzhen hesitated but still asked: “Did you marry?”

Qiuniang didn’t answer directly but used a different way of saying it: “He was my first man, and also my last… Neither the Late Emperor nor Cheng Yuan ever shared a bed with me… Although Cheng Yuan married me, on our wedding night, he told me that seeing our names together on the marriage certificate was enough satisfaction for him. Like the Late Emperor, he was timid about intimacy and wouldn’t offend me. Then he left the bridal chamber.”

“Didn’t my father give you a wedding ceremony?” Zhenzhen thought again and asked, “Did you like him?”

Qiuniang smiled faintly: “After living together for a long time, there were naturally some feelings, I suppose. However, when he embraced me, the first thought that flashed through my mind was: this isn’t bad either—I can truly become Zhenzhen’s mother…”

Zhenzhen was speechless and silently lowered her eyes. Qiuniang continued: “He wanted to give me a wedding ceremony, but I felt that after all these years of outsiders seeing us live together, they already considered us husband and wife. If we held a wedding ceremony, it would surely arouse suspicion and questions, easily causing trouble. It would be better to just quietly continue as we were. He thought about it and said that regardless, there should be a ceremony—we could bow to heaven and earth at home by ourselves. I agreed, so we decided to have the ceremony three days later… For the next two days, he went out excitedly every day to buy wedding clothes and related items. I also purchased many fine ingredients, preparing to cook a sumptuous wedding feast myself… Among them was his favorite pufferfish…”

Zhenzhen’s heart sank, but she still asked hopefully: “You made a cooking mistake that day—it wasn’t intentional, right?”

Qiuniang smiled sadly: “The day before the wedding, I thought of Michu and felt extremely sorry for her. The daughter and husband I possessed were actually hers… While your father was out, I took out the clothes Michu had exchanged with me that year and worshipped her in the back yard, apologizing to her. I said that because of me, she had left this world, but I would do everything possible to take care of her family. I asked her to rest in peace and be reborn soon, and to allow me to burn those clothes for her. From then on, I would bury this secret deep in my heart and use the rest of my life to repay my past mistakes… But then Zhang Yunqiao suddenly rushed over from behind me and snatched away those clothes… He had returned early and heard what I said to Michu.”

Zhenzhen couldn’t help but widen her eyes, imagining her father’s anger then: “He thought you had betrayed my mother?”

Qiuniang nodded: “He furiously berated me, saying I had a heart like a snake or scorpion and must have deliberately lured Michu outside and handed her over to the Qi family… I begged him to listen to my explanation, but he wouldn’t listen. He kept asking if I was jealous of Michu—whether I was jealous that the Late Emperor favored her or because I wanted to steal him from Michu…”

Recalling this, Qiuniang couldn’t help but laugh coldly: “Hearing this speculation, I really didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So all my careful care for him over the years, and later giving myself to him, had all become evidence that I loved him and wanted to steal him from Michu, thereby killing Michu!”

“So…” Zhenzhen asked, “His assumptions made you feel wronged, and then you developed murderous intent?”

“It wasn’t because of that,” Qiuniang sighed. “I was full of grievance and indignation then, but I didn’t hate him enough to want to kill him. I just thought there would be no wedding—fine, if there wasn’t one, I didn’t care… But your father quickly went into the house, picked you up, and was about to walk out. That’s when I became terrified and lost my soul, rushing over to stop him, asking where he was taking you. He said he wouldn’t allow the person who killed his wife to touch his daughter again. He was taking you away from this place and would never let me see you again…”

Speaking to this point, Qiuniang suddenly burst into tears: “I grabbed his sleeve and knelt down, begging him not to separate us. I could be a slave or servant to atone for my sins, as long as he let me continue staying with you. But he completely wouldn’t listen. He broke free from my grasp and was about to leave, while you were frightened and crying loudly, desperately reaching toward me, constantly calling ‘Mommy’… You cried heartbrokenly, and I fought with all my strength to snatch you from his hands, asking him if he had ever taken care of you for a complete day, if he knew what you liked to eat and didn’t like to eat, what you liked and what you feared, what you couldn’t touch that would cause rashes… He couldn’t answer, but still tried to take you back. I had no choice but to cry and tell him you were hungry, and even if he was leaving, he should wait for me to properly cook a meal for you both. At least pack some luggage and leave after this night. Your father saw you were extremely heartbroken then, clinging tightly to me and refusing to let go, so he had to compromise and agree to stay this one night, leaving the next day.”

Zhenzhen’s gaze fell on the deep night outside the window. She felt her hands and feet ice-cold at this moment, and her voice trembled slightly: “So you cooked pufferfish for him, deliberately not removing all the toxins…”

“Initially I hadn’t thought of using pufferfish to harm him. I was very careful throughout the process of handling the pufferfish, just like usual,” Qiuniang said. “But when I finished making the pufferfish soup and was about to serve it, I found him packing your belongings—the clothes and shoes I had sewn for you stitch by stitch, the small bowls and spoons you used daily, the cloth dolls and rattles I had let you choose yourself when I carried you shopping… all being packed by him from the house where we had lived together into travel bags… You timidly watched him coldly doing these things, constantly hiding behind me, tearfully calling ‘Mommy’… Watching him gradually erase your traces from the house, thinking that you would ultimately be taken away from my side by him, making me never see you again in this lifetime, I truly went almost mad. So I turned back, picked up the bowl containing pufferfish organs, strained out some blood, and dripped it into the soup.”

Qiuniang covered her face with both hands, hiding her tearful eyes and avoiding seeing Zhenzhen’s expression at this moment. After a moment, she continued: “That night, we had dinner together quite peacefully. Every time we ate pufferfish before, I would drink the soup first and wait a moment for any abnormalities before letting him eat. But that day, I didn’t taste it first, and he didn’t find it strange. He silently drank the soup and also ate some pufferfish meat. After dinner, you went to sleep first, and he continued packing his luggage. After a while, he suddenly staggered into my room, asking if the pufferfish I gave him was poisonous. I didn’t answer, only avoided his approach. He angrily tried to grab me, but I closed the door and ran out. When I returned later, I found him collapsed on the ground, already breathless. But his hands were clenched into fists, veins bulging, eyes unclosed, still staring directly at me. He must have hated me extremely…”

“His clenched fists weren’t entirely expressing anger,” Zhenzhen reminded Qiuniang to look at the small porcelain box she had shown before, explaining a fact to her. “He clutched this small porcelain box that looks like it held medicine pills in his palm, with two pufferfish bones sealed inside, preserving evidence for people to deduce the cause of his death.”

“Heh,” Qiuniang laughed coldly, “Worthy of being Imperial Physician Zhang—even when his life hung by a thread, he could think to preserve evidence.”

“Were you sad after he died?” Zhenzhen asked again. “Old Lady Song said she heard you crying that night. Did you cry from sadness or fear?”

“When I saw his corpse, I was a bit afraid but didn’t cry. I just felt completely bewildered, not knowing what to do. I went back to his room and took out your belongings he had packed one by one. Suddenly I discovered that beside this travel bag, there was also a wooden box I had never seen before—it should have been something he brought back that day. When I opened it, inside were several plant bulbs, and there was also a piece of paper in the box with a red golden lamp flower drawn on it, with four characters written beside it—Lycoris radiata. Only then did I understand that when I had asked him years ago what lycoris radiata was, he had always remembered and silently searched for it. Now he had finally found it and originally wanted to give it to me before the wedding as a gift… I was filled with mixed emotions, feeling that fate was playing tricks on us. Why did it let me encounter such a misplaced love… I cried hard that night in the wind and rain, then dug up the flower garden, dragged him in, placed those lycoris radiata bulbs on his chest, and covered him with earth.”

“Later, a patch of brilliant red lycoris radiata grew there, blood-like,” Zhenzhen said, “just as enchanting as the patch I saw at Shi’an Garden.”

“Shi’an Garden…” Qiuniang murmured, “Yes, Cheng Yuan was also always searching for lycoris radiata for me… Back in the palace, I could sense his unusual attention to me, but I only felt uneasy and never responded to him. Later, when imprisoned by him, I never gave him a good face until I learned you might be executed because of Crown Prince Zhuang Wen’s matter. Only then did I use marriage as a bargaining chip, begging him to find a way to save you. To gain his trust, I told him about what had happened over the years, including the cause of your father’s death. Seeing that I had told him even such matters, he finally let down his guard, saved you, and allowed me to see you once…”

Qiuniang then smiled sadly: “With this leverage, he naturally wasn’t afraid that I would talk too much with you or that you would try to take me away from him. Otherwise, he could tell you the truth about your father’s death, which would be what could truly make you leave me completely.”

Zhenzhen gazed into Qiuniang’s eyes and asked: “Then why are you now telling me all this so frankly?”

Qiuniang also looked at her and slowly asked with a smile: “You’ve already guessed most of it… May I ask… Director of the Palace Kitchen… how will you… deal with me?”

“You murdered a court official. This crime has already exceeded the scope of what the Director of the Palace Kitchen can punish,” Zhenzhen said calmly, looking at her adoptive mother as she stated her decision. “Tomorrow I will report this matter to His Majesty, first removing you from the palace registry, then turning this case over to the Censorate or Ministry of Justice for trial. Your crime will be determined by them.”

Qiuniang still maintained her smile and blinked: “Good.”

“I’m sorry,” Zhenzhen apologized to her and explained further, “I previously swore to His Majesty that as Director of the Palace Kitchen, I must judge fairly, not violate laws, not show favoritism, and not seek personal gain. At this moment, we are not mother and daughter—I can only act according to palace regulations.”

“I… understand… you did… right…” Qiuniang said with a smile, but her voice was intermittent and her speech became somewhat unclear, as if she was dizzy, and her body began to sway.

Zhenzhen sensed something wrong and quickly stepped over, catching Qiuniang in her arms just as she was about to fall.

“Mother, what’s wrong with you?” As an ominous premonition struck, she finally cast aside all restraints and called Qiuniang as she used to, anxiously examining her.

Qiuniang smiled and reached out to touch Zhenzhen’s face, struggling to control her increasingly numb tongue: “I just… swallowed… a piece of… gallbladder…”

Gallbladder! Zhenzhen suddenly remembered Qiuniang’s earlier coughing fit and immediately understood that she had quietly taken out the pufferfish gallbladder from the organ bowl and swallowed it while her back was turned. Now, the poison she had taken was beginning to take effect.

Zhenzhen gently set her down and stood up in panic, searching everywhere in the kitchen: “Cabbage, artemisia, reed sprouts… wait, Old Lady Song said these vegetables cooked with pufferfish won’t cause poisoning. I’ll help you find them for detoxification!”

“It’s useless, don’t look for them…” Qiuniang reached toward Zhenzhen, “Let me… atone… like this… it’s good…”

It wasn’t the season for artemisia and reed sprouts. After frantically searching and finding nothing, Zhenzhen had no choice but to return to Qiuniang’s side, tearfully taking her into her arms.

“I don’t want… to make things difficult for you…” Qiuniang wanted to wipe Zhenzhen’s tears, but her hand only lifted a little before softly dropping down. She was obviously gradually losing control of her limbs, and even breathing became difficult.

Zhenzhen looked at her adoptive mother’s face in her arms as the color drained away, feeling her body gradually becoming stiff, as if she too was being strangled by an invisible hand, in pain almost to the point of suffocation.

The palace candle flames danced, light and shadow flickering in the sound of cold wind striking the window lattice in the early morning. Zhenzhen closed her tearful eyes as scenes of moments spent with her mother floated through her mind: on summer days when she napped on bamboo mats, her mother held a fan, carefully seeking out every tiny mosquito and fly, driving them out of the mosquito net… in winter when she happily went to school with classmates, her mother chased out to stuff a warm little hand warmer into her hands… her mother blowing on still-steaming porridge, feeding it spoonful by spoonful to her when she was sick in bed… when she cried in panic in the burning kitchen, her mother rushed into the flames and scooped up her daughter… when she held her mother in the small building at Shi’an Garden, telling of her lover’s death, her mother returned her embrace with warmth, giving her courage to live on…

“Mother, Mother, I didn’t want you to die…” Zhenzhen held Qiuniang tightly, regretting the heartlessness she had just shown her, sobbing uncontrollably. “Right now I am the Director of the Palace Kitchen, and I can only strictly follow laws and righteousness, making such arrangements for you. But after noon today, I will step down. After taking off this official uniform, I’m still your daughter Zhenzhen. I will beg His Majesty to forgive you, ask the Empress, the Second Prince, Counselor Shen, and everyone I know to speak for you. If the Censorate and Ministry of Justice still won’t spare you and sentence you to death, even if it means breaking you out of prison, I will risk my life to save you, then take you to Guangzhou, to Yaizhou, to places where no one knows us. We’ll be mother and daughter again…”

“No need…” Qiuniang could no longer move the corners of her lips to smile at Zhenzhen, but her gaze remained gentle as she looked at her tear-stained daughter and struggled to speak her final words: “Thank you for… accompanying me… for sixteen years… Sixteen years, we… loved each other… wholeheartedly.”